Chereads / Deviant || Jeon Jungkook / Chapter 31 - Am I Real?

Chapter 31 - Am I Real?

Unlocking the door of my apartment, my mind was still full of what Mingyu had told me.

My stomach twisted as I repeated his words in my head again and again.

I bit my lip at that. So many questions making their way into my head.

But as soon as I stepped inside my bedroom looking for Jungkook, my purse dropped down the floor, my lips parted, in the next second forgetting everything else as my eyes landed on the boy I was searching for.

Jungkook's eyes widened in shock, seeing me looking at him.  In other words, seeing himself caught by me, he quickly, like a reflex, tried to gather and hide everything behind his back. Like that would work.

But after two seconds he gave up, his cheeks becoming pink from embarrassment as he dropped his gaze down playing with his fingers.

"I am sorry.  I promise that I will clean everything up. Everything will be in no time at their places. I actually memorized from where I took them."

I bit my lip to the blood. Why would he think that I would be upset?  How could anyone be upset over this?

Tears gathered in my eyes as I was digging in everything that was displayed before my eyes.

A Jungkook sitting onto the white carpet, in the middle of my room. Legs crossed as he was surrounded by all my books, CDs, albums with me and my family, pictures and other meaningless things.

I swallowed hard trying with all my might to not actually go there and grab him, hug him and kiss the hell out of him.

My bad boy was so sweet at that moment. So flustered and lost. His gaze pinned on his hands as he was chewing his bottom lip ashamed.

"You don't have to apologize. I am not mad, upset or anything. Actually, I am happy seeing you so curious about my life." I somehow managed to speak normally as I approached him.

Jungkook lifted his head, confusion was all I could see in his eyes as he was looking up at me. It was like he expected me to yell at him, or anything else but not how I was reacting. And once again I understood how his parents must have been with him.

Did they yell at him?  Did they beat him?

"What were you reading before I interrupted you? " I asked as I moved some books out of my way before sitting down on the carpet next to him. Then my eyes landed on the open book which was laying somewhere close to his right knee.

I picked it up and ran my gaze across the cover. Then I threw a glance at Jungkook.

"I... "

He couldn't speak as he swallowed hard avoiding my gaze.

'Persons with mental problems' was written onto the cover, and my chest tightened at his lost expression.

Why this stupid book had to be in my library? 

But did he actually understand the book?  He had read more than half of it. And it has a lot of medical words. A person who isn't used with the terms, can't actually comprehend anything. Then for my surprise, he stood up and started to pick up some books, then arranging them to their places. My books and everything was now in their places. Even the albums.  And they were many. He must have memorized them by their cover colors.

But even so, he had a great memory.

Once again I came to the conclusion that he was smart. I was aware of that from the first moment our eyes locked. But I didn't know that he was that smart.

"Did you understand the book you just read? "

He didn't answer though. His eyes stopped in mine the moment he finished arranging everything he took back at their places.

Then he sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes empty as he was thinking at something.

I pulled out my phone and stood up from the floor. Sitting next to him on the bed, I placed the phone in his hand and pushed the earphones into his ears.

"I am sure you wanted to listen to some music.  So here." I smiled as our eyes locked. Then he stared at the phone in his hand. I was sure that he was familiar with phones, but maybe not with an iPhone. Because he was staring at it like he had no idea what it was.

"No matter what would you do, the phone will be alright. Just do not drop it. It costs more than my salary per month."

Jungkook's eyes widened at that as he grabbed the phone with both hands before squeezing it against his chest.

"It was a joke. " I laughed. He was too funny.  Poor Jungkook.  "I am so sorry but your expression is priceless." I laughed as I placed my hand on his head, without realizing what I was doing running my fingers through his soft brown hair.

_

Jungkook eyes softened as he was watching you laughing. It was the first time seeing you laughing from the bottom of your heart. It sounded wonderful in his ears. And it brought a small smile onto his lips as well.

But what he read in that book, it was still fresh in his mind and that small smile didn't last long.

It's hard for a person with mental problems to become normal again. If he has dissociative identity disorder is because something must have happened in his childhood. After all the cause is believed to be due to childhood trauma. Maybe abusive parents.

A powerful shock surely made the patient not being able to confront the reality anymore. 

According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DID symptoms include:

1.the presence of two or more distinct personality states accompanied by the inability to recall personal information, beyond what is expected through normal forgetfulness.

2. Include a loss of identity as related to individual distinct personality states,  and loss referring to time, sense of self and consciousness

3. The patient can experience distress from both the symptoms of DID (intrusive thoughts or emotions) and the consequences of the accompanying

symptoms (dissociation rendering them unable to remember specific information)

Identities may be unaware of each other and compartmentalize knowledge and memories, resulting in chaotic personal lives.

They may be reluctant to discuss symptoms due to association with abuse, shame, and fear.

DID patients may also frequently and intensely experience time disturbances.

The majority of patients with DID report childhood sexual or physical abuse, especially during early to mid-childhood. Severe sexual, physical or psychological trauma in childhood has been proposed as an explanation for its development; awareness, memories, and emotions of harmful actions or events caused by the trauma are removed from consciousness,  and alternate personalities or subpersonalities form with different memories, emotions, and behavior.

Jungkook chest tightened again. It was because of fear. Everything what he just read, everything was the same thing doctor Mingyu had told him. 

It wasn't a lie.  He thought. I was abused. That man... He actually did that to me? And it's something wrong... right? Parents don't do something like that to their child, even if they love them, right? Or it's normal because maybe I was bad and it was like a punishment?

I don't know. Why don't I know the answer? 

What is wrong?  What is right?  I can't make the difference.

You were aware of how Jungkook became restless all of a sudden. He was deep in thoughts, his eyes on your face. He seemed scared. Lost. And once again you didn't know how to approach him and what to say to him.

You didn't know how to behave with a person like Jungkook.

"Am I real? "

Jungkook asked you all of a sudden. The question seemed odd but you couldn't ignore it. You could see on his face how important that question was to him.

"Why are you asking me something like this, Jungkook? "

"What if I am just one of those false identities? What if I am not real, to begin with? I have so many gaps in my memories.  I can't remember my parents' faces. I can't remember the last few days with them. I can't remember me being abused. I can't remember any of that. So I am asking myself, what if I am not real, to begin with? "

"This doesn't mean anything. That's why you have DID, to begin with because you do not want to remember. Because it was too painful for you. Because that man hurt you this bad. So throw these ideas out of your head. Because I believe that you are real."

You pulled him in a tight embrace and closed your eyes as you felt the pounding of his heart against your chest. Of course, you had thought about that. The possibility of this bad boy being a product of the real Jungkook's mind. Just like the playboy one was. You didn't know what to believe anymore. And you were aware of the fact that only after he will become a whole, then you will stop asking yourself so many questions.

It was normal for him to not remember some things from his past.  After all, he was drugged all the time. His mind was foggy because of the powerful drugs.

Mingyu: Y/N, when we brought Jungkook to the hospital, the doctor had told me that Jungkook had drugs in his blood.  And here I am not talking about antidepressants. Someone else was giving him drugs behind our back.

Mingyu: You told me that someone was giving him chocolates as well.

And I can only think of one person.

This person knew Jungkook's father. They were doing business together. And this guy every time he saw the little Jungkook, every time he was giving to him white chocolate.

It's the director, Y/N. Only he has the keys of his cell apart from you.