Neeta got into the car and looked at Pavan angrily. . Pavan was yet again late to pick her up, even after her multiple reminders. It was a Saturday evening and Pavan was at home while Neeta had to come to the clinic. They had plans of going to a movie and then dinner. But as usual, Pavan was late and now they were going to miss the movie.
"Don't look at me like that. I told you there was traffic and that's why I am late." Pavan tried to explain in his defence.
" You have been living in this city for so many years and you know that there will be traffic around this time. Could you not have left home early? Anyways. No point in arguing. Lets just go to a shopping mall now. "
Pavan agreed to her suggestion and the car headed towards the mall. Arav was sitting in the backseat and was playing games. Neeta started telling Pavan about her day and how one of her clients was enraged for no reason and was yelling at her. She was in the middle of explaining something when Pavan suddenly spoke,
"Did you remember to send my clothes for dry cleaning? I have an important meeting on Monday and I need to look professional. "
Neeta was quiet for a second before replying "yes." She did not continue the conversation and Pavan focused on driving. While gazing out the window, Neeta thought, 'How did I get here.' For the outside world her life was perfect; Good looking and earning husband, house, car, nice career and adorable son. Even her own family thought that Neeta was lucky to have such good husband and life in general. But her life was far away from perfection.
Although Pavan and Neeta married out of love, they were very different people, who wanted different things from life. They were not exactly compatible. Neeta had realized this pretty early in the marriage when disagreements and fights were more than the harmonious moments. She had thought at that time, that it was common among all the couples and they would be able to improve their relationship as they understand each other better. They were two people who fell in love and got married. Neeta firmly believed that they could navigate through any situation as long as they loved each other. But the reality was much different than her imagination.
Neeta wanted a companion who understood her and supported her always; She wanted a career where she could help people and at the same time she did not want to miss out on family life as well. So she constantly tried her best to juggle between multiple roles - of a wife, a daughter a daughter-in-law and a mother. The expectation was that her partner would be there to support her emotionally and physically by helping her in everything; including household chores. But Pavan wanted a wife who took care of his needs and his family's needs. His idea of partnership was very simple. Being a man he was responsible for taking care of the materialistic needs; while his wife was supposed to be the one who was responsible for making a house, a home. Pavan was not going to come in between his wife and her career. Continuing work after marriage or after having a child was Neeta's choice and he was fine with it as long as she could manage both family and career. But since it was her choice, there was no reason for him to sacrifice his comfort in order to help her with household work. It was a woman's work and how can I man interfere in a woman's world?
Their fights and difference of opinion stemmed from this, however it was not limited to just roles and responsibilities. After a while Neeta noticed that her materialistic and physical needs were taken into consideration but there was always a disconnect in emotional support. Pavan never made an attempt to understand her opinions or emotional state. If she was sad because of a case at the clinic, he would simply say ' don't be so emotional' or 'You can quit the job if its too much to handle'.
Sometimes we share our problems with closed ones not because we need a solution from them; it's simply because we want them to understand us and just be there with us. A simple empathetic sentence like ' I totally get what you are saying and why you are saying that' works better than solution. All Neeta wanted from Pavan, was this exact thing. She wanted him to understand her.
When things fell beyond control, Neeta briefly thought about separation. Because sometimes love without understanding is way worse than understanding without love. As always, parents from both families intervened and convinced Neeta that a child could make everything different and their relationship was going to surely improve. Neeta believed this as she really loved Pavan and badly wanted to make their relationship work. For a brief period during her pregnancy, everything felt better. Pavan was attentive, caring and he even tolerated her mood swings.
Everything changed after Arav was born. Neeta again had to take control of the whole parenting with little or no help from Pavan. It was not like he did not love the child; but his love was limited to 1-2 hours a day when he felt like or when Arav was being a good child. Rest of the day and all the tantrums, cries and mishaps were Neeta's responsibility. It was physically and mentally exhausting to Neeta, as she had no time for enjoying many day to day activities. Like having a peaceful meal or a bath or even sleep. On the other hand, there was no change in Pavan's life; he still could sleep normally, eat in peace and watch TV. Because the captain of the parenting ship was Neeta.
From then on, Neeta knew this was going to be her life. Taking care of everyone else, while no one cared about her. No one cared if she was tired after back to back sessions at the clinic; or she missed her carefree days.
Neeta knew there was no going back now, especially after the child, as separation would be bad for Arav. So she was stuck and eventually lost all hopes in life. Only good part about all of this was she was doing the one thing that she liked. The fact that she could still make a small difference in someone else's messy life was the only satisfaction she had in her life.
While Neeta thought about her fate and her life, the car reached the parking lot of the mall. They went on with shopping and dinner with Neeta pretending to be happy and no one noticing her fake happiness.
***