"Daddy!"
Looking up, I saw a cherub with almond eyes, high nose and pouty lips waving happily at me as he rode on the carousel. He was really a miniature of me, and I couldn't help but smile and wave back at him as I watched him spin round and round.
"Moonbin, be careful son. Hang on tight!" I called out as I leaned closer to the railing, my eyes, never wavering on their vigilance. He was only four and very active. If something happened to him, I wouldn't know what to do or what to tell my wife.
The ringing sound followed by vibrations in my pocket alerted me about a call, and I didn't think twice to answer it. I brought my personal phone, so most likely, the caller would be family – meaning it was either my wife who was very much pregnant at the moment and was on bed rest, or my sister who I asked to look after my spouse while I took my son to the amusement park. I had no other relative aside from an older male cousin who I hoped not to see ever again.
"Hello?" I answered with practiced speed, my eyes narrowing as I waited for the caller to speak.
"It's me Ji Hye," the caller, my sister said anxiously and my heart began to race as I anticipated her next words. "What's wrong?" I honestly didn't like her tone. It was as if she was readying me for a very bad news.
"Oppa, Ian is back…"
Like ice, her words washed over me, cold and harsh and I felt my heart and mind freezing. It can't be! The cousin I was hoping never to see again was back. "Where…where is he?" I asked quietly as I saw the carousel stop at the corner of my eyes.
"He's here. In your home," my sister answered and I felt like the world would spin. No! This can't be happening. Why now?
"I'll be there." Without waiting for an answer, I dropped the call and waved for Moonbin to come to me. Our trip would be canceled today. My son might be disappointed but there was no choice. I needed to go back home as soon as possible. My wife…
I might lose my wife… and I couldn't let that happen.
"Dad? I want to go and ride that one next," Moonbin told me eagerly as he pointed at the Ferris wheel but I shook my head no. "Why?" His cherub face crumpled in disenchantment, and I felt my heart breaking. It was rare for us to go out, as I was mostly busy with work, being the owner and president of a large company. This was supposed to be our day, but I had no option. It's more important that I get to my wife as soon as possible.
"Daddy, you said we can ride anything today," Moonbin's voice cracked as fat tears began to fall from his eyes. "You said we can spend the whole day together."
Feeling my son's pain in my chest, I crouched down in front of him as I wiped his tears away. "I know son, and daddy's really sorry for this." I tilted his small face so he could look at me and see how sorry I was. "But daddy needs to come home immediately."
"Why?" My son asked as his eyes widened. Even at four years of age, my son was already a little mature and had a wide understanding of things around him. "Is it mom? Is mommy okay?"
"Mom is okay, but daddy still needs to check," I told my son who had stopped crying and nodded his head solemnly. "Thank you." I pulled my wonderful child into a hug and picked him up as I stood. "Since we can't stay here, why don't I buy you ice cream and pizza? Just don't tell mom okay?" Jaeyoung would surely get mad at me if she found out.
At the mention of his favorite food, Moonbin's face brightened up, and we had a good time bargaining which flavor to choose as I carried him to our waiting car.
As soon as we reached home, I assisted Moonbin out of the car and carried the take out we bought on the way. Ji Hye welcomed us at the doorway. "Aunt Ji Hye!" my son cried excitedly upon seeing his favorite relative and threw himself in her arms.
"Hey!" My sister caught him and spun him around as they laughed. "What were you up to today?"
"Daddy and I went to the amusement park and we bought pizza and ice cream!" my toddler said enthusiastically and my sister glanced at my direction as she answered. "Really? Why don't we see the goodies you bought in the kitchen so that daddy can go to mom?"
"Okay," my son readily answered and I gave Ji Hye a thankful look. Moonbin ran towards the kitchen as I handed my sister the packages. "Ian left already," she told me and I nodded as my expression grew indistinct.
"Where's Jaeyoung?" I asked as I searched the living room which was visible from where I was standing but my wife wasn't there.
"Jae-unnie went up to your room. She's having a headache so I told her to rest," Ji Hye answered me and I nodded. I was about to leave but hesitated as a question popped into my mind. "Ji Hye, did she see Ian?" I asked the dreaded question and my breath almost hitched up my throat when my sister nodded solemnly.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
"Did…" I swallowed hard as I tried to form another question I was dreading to ask. "Did she remember anything?"
Silence greeted my question as Ji Hye tried to recall what happened earlier in this house in my absence. "I don't know," she told me after a while. "Oppa, I think you better go to her," she continued and I nodded once more.
As I walked across the room towards the staircase which would take me to the second floor of our house where the room my wife and I shared was, my heart began to falter. I never knew real fear as I did right this very moment. Glancing at my surroundings – the family photographs, the toys haphazardly left on the floor, the mismatched furniture Jaeyoung loved so much, my heart hurt knowing that all these – the family I'd worked hard to build for the last five years would break apart.
And it was my entire fault.
For years, I knew that one day this would happen. I never even imagined it would take this long, but I knew it would happen. But now that it did, I still couldn't find the courage to face my wife. What would I tell Jaeyoung?
Honestly I had no idea. All I knew, and the one reason I could think of why I did what I did was because I loved her so much. Loving her was my only sin.