Elissa was beat for the day. Nannade hadn't eaten lunch, because of a certain incident, and was now catching up with most of it. Elissa was still with her, but Garrett was already snoring in his bed. After Nannade had gotten her fill, Elissa invited her outside. They sat on the porch. Their earlier talk about some important things had been interrupted and she wanted to finish it now.
They sat down on the chairs on the porch and Elissa got out two cups and a big green bottle. Then she poured both of them some wine.
Nannade looked confused. "What? I shouldn't, you said not until after my first dance!"
"Screw that, today is a good day to let go of some rules."
The girl accepted and inspected the dark red liquid. She sniffed the cup, took a tiny sip and squinched up her face.
"You'll get used to it, don't worry." Elissa told her. "But not anytime soon, this is only for tonight, understood?" The girl nodded quickly while taking another sip. Elissa let her thoughts wander. "You have to be so careful with men. Not just because they might take advantage of you or something like that. Also because they're so fragile on the inside."
"Really? Garrett always seems tough enough."
"Yah, he is tough enough most of the time, but has his sensible sides." Elissa quickly peeked through the window and checked whether his snoring was still calm and in rhythm. "Don't tell him I said that."
"You grew up together, what was he like?"
"Oh, not much different. He'd get into fights more often. He really likes fistfights. He once got scolded by his teacher for spending his entire allowance gambling on some backyard brawl. And when they were sparring, his teacher didn't go easy on him like Garrett does with you. No elegant grasping and twisting of limbs. Full on brawling and grappling until someone was about to suffocate in the mud."
"What was his teacher like?"
"Some guy named Mannerdon. Gruff and boring. And about as humorous as a funeral."
"Not much different from today's Garetas then?"
"Eh...Garrett can be funny. He just doesn't like showing you, he's more open to me."
Nannade put on a coy smile. "And... did the two of you?"
"Did we what?" Elissa tried to read the girl's face, but she was already almost to the bottom of her cup and the girl had barely touched hers.
"You know. What we talked about!?"
"Oh that, oh. Oh no. I mean, I tried. Really hard, but it wasn't meant to be."
Nannade furrowed her brow. "Why?"
"Oh, you know, he's a lost cause."
"Come on tell me!" Nannade was intrigued by Elissa's reservation.
"It's a long story, and not that funny, you know."
"Oh come on! I told you everything about Carsten, now spit it out."
Elissa really didn't want to tell the story now of all times, but the girl wouldn't let go once she had her eyes set on something. She peeked through the window to check on Garetas again, then she emptied her cup in one go, poured herself another and got up. "But you absolutely have to promise me, you'll never tell him I told you, alright?"
"Of course, sure!" Nannade nodded enthusiastically, curiosity burning in her eyes.
"It was when I was fifteen, the night before the summer solstice...
It had long been dark, but the summer heat of the day lingered still on the fields and river. The next time the sun rose, it would stay up longer than any other day of the year. Elissa lay in her bed, in her room, in Tirana's house, in a village not far from Sosken. Tomorrow she would dance along the river, trailing the communion of people and spirits behind her. Her dress was ready, she had memorized each step, Tirana and many others had confirmed her that she moved gracefully and looked beautiful. But she was still unhappy.
She threw the thin blanket off to vent out the hot, sweaty air. She got up, took off her night gown and looked down her body. Tirana had said so many times that she was beautiful. Her hair fell down upon her shoulders in dark waves that gleamed in the moonlight, her breasts were taut and big for her age and would still grow, Tirana and Susanna had assured her, her butt had that beautiful apple shape that men could not take their eyes off from, but she still had a niggling doubt in the back of her head.
"You're beautiful, stop worrying." Tirana had said many times. "Your dress is gorgeous; it shows your best sides." But Elissa didn't want to hear it from her. It had to be someone else.
Last night, Garrett came home late again. Mannerdon didn't come by every day anymore, he was keeping the boy mostly in Tirana's care and teachings, so Garrett wasn't as scared of his teacher anymore. She knew where Garrett went. There was a loggers' camp outside the town where some of the men would have fist fights for money. They wrapped straw or cloth around their fists and fought with their shirts off. "Come watch me, they'll let me fight tonight." Garrett had once said to her.
She didn't like it very much. It was brutal and disgusting. But she did enjoy watching him fight. Most of the men were fat or at least halfway to ugly. "Don't look at their faces, look at their technique. Look at how that one can just take one hit after another and keep on going." Garrett had tried to convince her. But it was not for her.
She went to her cabinet and went through her clothes. A dress for running errands in town, a dress and apron for work at the cauldron, a dress for out on the fields and in the woods, a dress for formal occasions, and a robe for official businesses with the Lodge. And one last she had. The simple yellow one she got a while ago. Its cloth was very light and thin, its cut simple. She put it on. It felt breezy enough for such a summer's night. She put on her straw sandals and carefully opened the door, then she tiptoed down the hall to Garrett's room and entered carefully.
He was already asleep. She went over to his bed, knelt down and stroked his forehead until he awoke. He was still half asleep but he recognized her. She put her finger to his mouth, then said with the hushest of voices "Come with, I want to show you something." He tried to ask her what, but she would not let him. She just pulled him up, told him to get dressed and follow her.
Elissa was pulling Garrett along by his hand and he would still try to get out of her what she was planning on doing, but she kept her mouth shut in a coy smile. He still obliged and so she led him to a certain part in the forest, to a smaller river that would later flow into the large stream. Its waters were clear and just deep enough to bathe. There, she had seen a nice big boulder, smooth and flat.
They sat down, next to each other, on the boulder. She had often thought about this. What she wanted a man to do, not say, when he saw her. Susanna had told her what men loved about women and what they liked to do, or have done to them. "All men's groins beat to the same rhythm. They want to feel like victorious warriors." She had told Elissa. She had also told Elissa where her mother kept a peculiar bottle of that medicine she gave to the careless, frivolous girls that came to her under the cover of the night. Just in case, of course.
She was ready. She knew what she needed to do and she knew Garrett was the right one. They had been close for a long time, but Garrett seemed too friendly when it came to girls. He had no qualms beating and grappling any of his male friends. He was willing to charge into any fight head long. And she knew for a fact that he had killed. But with women, he was shy to the point of being hamstrung. "They want to feel like victorious warriors, but they are still little boys at heart, yearning for adventure, yet too afraid to set out from the threshold. Someone needs to take their hand and guide them a little bit until they get the taste for conquest."
"Now, what was it you wanted to show me?" he asked with annoyance in his voice.
Elissa had to chuckle. He really was thick-witted tonight. She took off her dress and let herself slide to the ground, feet in the water. Naked she walked to the centre of the brook and turned around. "This, you loveable oaf."
His face had gone to pieces. She walked back to the boulder and grabbed his ankle. "Will you join me or do I have to drag you down here?" she asked him.
He quickly took off his clothes and joined her in the water, but he was still shy, still carefully placing his hands out of reach of any of the fun places. She tried to take his hand and guide him while they kissed, but he seemed to have no interest in exploring or taking whatever he wanted. She tried to feel him, but what Susanna had told her about men, had not yet happened.
She stopped kissing. "Is everything alright with you?" She asked him.
Something appeared on his face, she couldn't quite tell what it was in the dim moonlight. He quickly shook his head and said. "No, everything is fine, totally... fine." and quickly got back to kissing her. He started to do what she had expected, but he was rough, as if he was not into it or didn't care about her. She pushed him away.
"What is wrong with you?"
She saw that tears welled up in his eyes. He looked at her as if she represented his shattered hopes and wishes. He turned around. For a while, there was only the sound of flowing water and rustling leaves. She approached him and put her hands on his shoulders from behind.
"I don't think this is what I want." Garrett finally said.
Elissa didn't understand. She felt weird. "Am I not beautiful?"
"No, it's not that, I... I don't know if you're beautiful."
"WHAT?" Elissa understood even less. "How can you not know? Are you blind?"
"When some of the other guys look at women and say Oh, she's a looker! Or Look at this one! And all that stuff, I never know what they're talking about. It's like I don't see the appeal, but when I ask them, they get all weirded out and look at me in some manner that..."
He still hadn't turned around, but she could hear that his nose was getting congested and he couldn't keep his breath calm anymore. Still standing behind him, she hugged him, tightly. He fell to his knees, dragging her down with him, stuck his head under water and screamed. He screamed so loud the fish in the ocean must have heard him.
They had been sitting, side by side, naked, on the boulder for probably an hour or two. He had mostly calmed down and had told her about everything. How the other men talked and he couldn't join in, how Mannerdon had offered him a round in the brothel and he refused, how he had acquired a lewd deck of cards to get the other men off his case, how he felt nothing in particular when looking at the cards, and what he was thinking about when he was with himself. She was not sure what he was exactly talking about, but she knew that he was hurt, deeply at odds with himself, and agonising over it. She had an open ear for him, tried to help him back up on the inside, and generally tried her best, but she still felt powerless to help him.
At the end of it all, when he had no more pain to share, she took his chin, turned his face to hers and told him "You always carry yourself with such pride and confidence, don't falter now."
"But I don't know how."
"You don't have to join in with them, even if you were like them, there is no reason why you should join their gawking and leering, they wouldn't join yours either, or would they?" he carefully shook his head. "Is your teacher not teaching to keep yourself hidden?"
He tried to say something, then reconsidered, and finally said "But, I don't want to hide from everyone."
"I am sure you're not the only man like this, even if you feel alone, you'll find someone." she felt so stupid for telling him phrases she didn't entirely understand herself. "And until then, you'll never have to hide from me, I promise."
A bittersweet smile appeared on his face. They remained on the boulder for a while, but Elissa wanted to be fresh and spritely in the morning. After they had gotten dressed again, Garrett spoke up once again.
"Please don't tell anyone."
"Of course not." Elissa couldn't imagine what kind of person she'd have to be to tell anyone this about her closest friend.
His face spoke of uncertainty and fright. "Do you promise?"
She kissed him softly on the cheek. "I promise."
… I was so tired the next morning, but it was worth it, for his sake." Elissa's voice had gained a thick layer of melancholy and nostalgia.
Nannade still looked at Elissa with as if under a spell.
"So don't forget, never tell him I told you."
The girl nodded slowly. She was lost in thought. After a while she brought forth "But how does that even work, how woul-
"Don't ask. I won't tell you because I'm not sure I want to know either. Now finish your cup, I don't want to be the only one drunk and rambling!" Nannade took a few deep gulps from her cup and Elissa sat back down again. "So, now you know what I mean when I tell you that I know what it means, when what a foolish girl's heart makes a mistake and gets broken. You know what I'm talking about."
Nannade smiled knowingly. Elissa was glad the girl could already smile about that.
Elissa stared into the distance and reminisced about her old days. As if they were thinking about the same thing, Nannade asked her "So, Susanna is Tirana's daughter?"
"Yes, she is. Garrett actually picked her as a candidate to be your future teacher."
"What will she teach me?"
"Etiquette and social behaviour."
"No magic?"
"No, Susanna is no caster. The children of mediums are not any more likely to be mediums themselves."
"Did you grow up together?" Nannade seemed really interested in Elissa's past. Maybe because she had no reference points how other girls grew up.
"Sort of. She is seven years older than me, so when I first met her, she was a bit younger than you are now. She was sometimes like a big sister to me, but the moment that I came into her mother's care, Susanna was basically air for her, I got all the attention, and Garrett just made it worse. She might have disliked me for that at first, but I never noticed at the time. We became friends later. Anyway, she became an entertainer, then she invested in establishments in Halonnes. Now she owns several establishments and is a courtesan."
"What's that?" Nannade was still taking these careful and tiny sips from her cup.
"Think of it as someone who organizes all the lavish parties that the nobles and rich in the cities love so much. A festival of prancing dandies and stuck up bods."
"And I need to learn that why?" Nannade had finished her cup and Elissa had already gotten to refilling it.
"Oh, Garrett said something about blending in and being able to live in every strata of society."
"Sounds exhausting."
"It is!" Elissa couldn't suppress her guffawing.
Nannade seemed to have a lot of questions on her mind. "Garrett said magic runs in the family, that's why the nobles try to keep their blood pure. But it's not the same with mediums?"
"No. Nobody knows what makes a medium. Some think it's pure coincidence. In the cities, with the universities attracting so many mages and whatnot, you'll find many arcanists, but on the land it's much less. Mediums are even rarer in cities than on the countryside. Tirana once said the records do not speak of changing numbers of mediums in the land. So no matter how densely packed a land is, there's not going to be more mediums in total. Some witches say that the land itself chooses its mediums, some believe that communing with spirits while they are still with child improves the odds, so they do that, bathe in places of power, sleep on ley lines, all that stuff. But I also heard many of their children arrive twisted, deformed, "blessed too much". The sisterhoods who still do this are... unpleasant to say the least."
A silence fell between them. Nannade broke it after a while.
"The spirit of the werewolf talked to me." Her voice was rife with melancholy and guilt.
Elissa knew this too well. She too had to put down those that wanted too much. "That's always unpleasant. It was in pain, wasn't it?"
"Yes. It sounded so sad and regretful."
"Just like the human body turns to wolf, the wolfen spirit fuses with the human soul and inherits its regrets and shames and fears."
"I just wish I could have killed it quicker, with less pain."
"Don't let it get to you!"
Nannade still looked down. "Do you think that my kind stems from things like this?"
"Oh girl, you better not start with the theories where your kind comes from, there are more opinions on that than stars!" she was starting to pour another cup.
"Do you really think you should be drinking so much?" Nannade had seen Elissa a bit drunk once or twice before but never seen her actually drinking.
"Oh shush, you drink another one too."
Nannade seemed a bit squeamish but agreed. She downed what remained in her cup and then held it out.
"Nothing like a girl's talk after the little boys have gone to bed." Elissa said, almost proud of her deep wisdom.
"Will you ever marry?"
"I don't know. I'm probably worse in picking my men than you are. The snoring bastard in there is proof of that!"
Nannade stared into the distance. "I was so dumb, thinking I could be with Carsten. I'll have to leave soon anyway. I'll go to Fiona and tell her."
"Tell her what?"
"That I'm through with Carsten."
"Why Fiona?"
"She told me that she had a crush on him when I was twelve, but made me swear never to tell anyone. After Carsten approached me, she begged me not to answer him, but I did, and she hated me for that."
Elissa nodded. "You should tidy things like that up before you leave. It's not good leaving something like that behind."
Nannade nodded, half absent from the conversation. Then she turned to Elissa again. "Since it wasn't Garetas, who was your first man?"
Elissa chuckled. "I won't tell you that tonight. Maybe later. Maybe after you had yours and we can talk like women of experience."
"But I wanna know what to do!" her voice started to take on a begging undertone.
"Not knowing is the best part!" Elissa couldn't help but snicker at the thought of Nannade being as helpless as she was. But she would probably be much more active and headstrong. As Garrett had said: "That girl will one day run headlong into a wall."
"And it will be a great opportunity to learn." She whispered to herself.
When Nannade accepted that she would not make progress with Elissa any more, she got up and stretched her hands to the sky. Then she started to do a cartwheel. It was decent, but the landing was a bit wobbly. The girl found her balance again and tried again, until she finally landed on her butt with a loud SMACK. She groaned in pain and the two snickered.
"Oh girl, I could watch you all day. Remember when we first met and you tried to get up on the roof from the chopping block?"
"I managed to grab the edge, though!" The girl interjected.
"Yah, for half a second."
Nannade walked to the roof. She stretched her arm up and managed to lightly brush against the roof's edge. "I don't even need the chopping block anymore." she exclaimed proudly.
"How the years went by." Elissa thought about the ones that were still to come by.
They were both talking and laughing for a while longer, Nannade leaning against one of the porch's supports, Elissa in her porch chair. Eventually, the girl fell asleep while still leaning against the support and Elissa decided it was time for them to get to bed. The two went to bed, opting to stay in Elissa's bedroom, as to not disturb the sleeping oaf.