This time I'm right outside the door but still, I don't want to be here, not this. There I am, behind Mom, crying.
"Maria!"
Dad shouted to Mom as he threw a wine
glass at the floor.
"Paul, I'm sorry!" Mom replied sobbing.
"How could you do this to me? To us? To the family?"
Dad cried as he spoke.
"Please forgive me, it's my fault, it was never my intention to get us to this point. I was selfish! Please forgive me Paul please! I don't want us to be hating each other!"
Mom begged for forgiveness.
"Too late, I'm leaving, let's go Lin!"
Dad grabs my hand.
"No! Paul! Don't take him!! Please not him!"
Mom said.
"Dad no! Where are we going? I want to be with Mommy!"
I screamed.
Dad began to slowly let me go, his eyes were watering. I could tell that he wanted to die from sadness. He nods his head then smiled,
" Okay then Lin, see you!"
He smiled even though he was sad, he tried to laugh when he was crying. I couldn't understand why he left then.
"Mom, where will Dad go?" I say to Mom crying.
"He went somewhere far, Honey, don't worry son, I'll be here for you. I'll take care of you. I'll tell you everything when you're older alright?"
Mom said.
"Okay!"
My child self replied.
Again, I was brought to tears, I didn't know what to do, I thought I could change the past but no, even if I tried, it won't let me. It already happened, what can we do about it?
--
I've never felt like this before, I'm underwater, waves and tides pull my skin apart and I don't know what to do. I've never- felt like this before.
I was so scared, I keep remembering about the dreams I keep having.
I'm so scared that it will happen again.
I'm so scared that I'll lose you if I tell you how I feel.
I won't tell you how I feel for now but always remember that I will always be loving you.