ReadaholicN

A prodigy prince named Evanovich Fear vi Balthazar is captured for instigating an uprising in the Elysidia Kingdom. He is sentenced death in five days. Unknown to everyone a gamble which may stop the 500 years long war in the continent of Vraizevux is being committed.
Follow Evan as he journeys through the world of magical beasts and beauties to become the one who has the last laugh.

Ardent sama, I made a few changes, maybe they might make the chapter more descriptive. Thanks for reviewing! 


Then this new guy smirks, before making that smirk terryfying, followed by making this same guy produce a new object. And immediately afteward, a guard, which wasn't escorthing Evan when he came, or never even approached, not footsteps, nothing, really, turn up and opens the locked doors. And is immediately forgotten.

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Now flow of a sentences.

"He smiled "Comfy in there, Evan?"" Can you notice the problem with this sentence?

If he smiles, he can't talk. If he talks, he can't smile. He could happily say something, or say something with joyous tone, or something similar, but he can't smile and talk. At least I don't think that's possible without interrupting one or the other. He could, for isntance, talk while breaking sentence to laugh in between. But again, he can't do both at the same time.

So the sentence would flow better if you make it: "He smiled before addressing him, "Comfy in there, Evan?"

Another problem with this sentence is, that only after re-reading it nor the third time did I understand that the `newcomer` is the one talking about, which is another MAJOR problem. So this sentence should be restructured into something like this: "The newcomer smiled and addressed him, "Comfy in there, Evan?"" Now we can properly understand who is talking, have proper sequence of events, and inculde the actual speech.

"Evan smirked." Only now, after the third re-read I actually know that the MC is called Evan. (or is he?), emphasizing the need for sentence restructuring.

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The point is, don't switch focus around too much. If you switch focus to something new, DON'T SWITCH IT BACK in the next sentence to a focus you just barely abandoned! Be consistent. Focus is changed when you are done with that. So don't come back to it immediately afterwards (well, unless it is a special occasion).

You need to work on your paragraphing. Haven't yet come beyond this first chapter, but already you are making paragraphs blindly. For instance:

"There he was." You begin talking about him. Are you gonna continue talking about him, his state of being? Are you gonna explain the `where`? "Sitting in the cold cell that had been his home for a week." Yes you are, so you continue the paragraph.

Now, you begin describing him, what he is wearing, so you aren't really talking about his state of being any more (well, you could probably continue the previous paragraph as well, but I'd like to think keeping things consistent is the way to go). So the focus of this second paragraph becomes his appearance (clothes and appearance, and clothes aren't part of him) and not HIM anymore, hence you split here. "He was clothed in a golden robe and bedroom slippers, unsuited to the grim jail cell." Now, if you included the previous sentence with the first paragraph, then you'd HAVE to make it from here a new one. But since I decided to make appearance a new paragraph for it all, I'll just be continuing it. "He had blond hair with 2 tails flowing at either side of his forehead. His expression could be described as a cross between madness and happiness."

The focus now switches to talking about his location, so a new, third, paragraph is in order: "This was a place under the castle of Elysidia, known as the rotting kingdom."

Now the focus is unknown (well, you talk about sound which is independent of his location) so another new paragraph: "Footsteps echoed around the hall." Now this is a tricky one, but if I were writing it, I'd simply continue the paragraph and take those footsteps and `sound` from the previous sentence as an indicator of time of the `when` he looked up, hence continue this paragraph by writing: He looked up and saw a blond haired guy with full spiked back hair observing him. He smiled "Comfy in there, Evan?"" So this paragraph becomes about observations, perception of his environment and his response to it.

And now you split it again, because you talk about this new character giving a response: "Evan smirked."

And again split a paragraph, because now you describe this response (well, maybe it could still be a continuation, but if you want to emphasize that appearance, then splitting a paragraph is a must).

So I chose to split it: "It could give terror to the the person seeing it but he didn't mind."

And now you need a new paragraph, because you aren't talking about that `terrifying smirk` anymore, but instead talk about an item newly introduced to the scene. "He produced a chessboard."

And now focus shifts to the third person: "A guard came and opened the lock of the cell. The blond haired person came in and the guard locked the door behind him."

I'll stop with paragraph restructuring, since it'd be pointless for me to correct everything this way.

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You need improve your sentence structures. You are shifting focus around too much, as well. For instance, first you talk about how he was sitting somewhere, but don't explain where (a `cell` can have too many meanings… For instenca, `wine cellar`, jail, etc.). You also can't really call a jail cell his home, because a definition of `home` isn't appropriate. It could be his living place, or many other things, but home just isn't it. Home is a refuge you own, feel safe in, and return to, not something others lock you up in.

Then you suddenly switch focus to talk about his clothes, before in that same sentence explaining what kind of cell he is in... And then you again switch focus to talk about his appearance, before again talking about his location.

Group things better. And this isn't the only problem with your structuring.

He hears footsteps, but the next moment the person who should only be approaching him was observing him. It could work, but it appears awkward at best.

There he was. Sitting in the cold jail cell that had been his refuge for a week. He was clothed in a golden robe and bedroom slippers, unsuited to the grim jail cell.


He had blond hair with 2 tails flowing at either side of his forehead. His expression could be described as a cross between madness and happiness. 


This was a place under the castle of Elysidia, known as the rotting kingdom.


He looked up and saw a blond haired guy with full spiked back hair observing him. 


The newcomer smiled and said "Comfy in there, Evan?"


Evan smirked. It could give terror to the the person seeing it but he didn't mind. He produced a chessboard. A guard came and opened the lock of the cell. The blond haired person came in and the guard locked the door behind him. 


He put down the board with a smack. "Play me" he ordered. 


Evan replied "You sure, Dem, pretty sure the count is 199-0", He added "You never played with me since then. "


"Shut up, I can see your smile." Dem said. "I know you the best. You aren't one to back up from a challenge."


Twenty minutes past in what seemed to be a second. The prisoner looked at the chessboard in front of him. His enemy's queen, both knights, one bishop and one rook had been eliminated. 


Dem took the other rook and thought. He used it eliminate Evan's queen. Evan moved a pawn forward. Dem used the enemy bishop to eliminate his rook. His pawn moved another step. Dem moved the rook to eliminate a knight. Checkmate.


"I Win! You sure have gotten Clumsy Evan..." 


Evan laughed. He moved the pawn diagonally eating another pawn. Dem's king was in check! His pawn was protected by a bishop and kings exit points were blocked by two rooks. 


Dem murmured clearly annoyed, "Hmmm?..." 


Dem looked at him "Shameless as always, huh". 


Dem picked his rook and struck out the enemy King. 


Evan used the pawn and struck Dem's king and said "Hahaha, you're still naive nee-san". He took out the pawn and put a queen at his place. 


Dem said "WHAT?! You... Yoou... Ahhhhn". 


Then what happened could be called a one sided slaughter. Evan won eliminating all the enemy pieces. This was hardly unbelievable as Evan could be considered a super genius since he was young. He could've finished the game in third of the moves but he chose to not go all out and went with 'Deathmatch' which he knew his brother was an expert in. 


Chess could theoretically be always won by a person who memorized its three billion configurations. But Evan had never lost any chess game in his life and was rumored to have intelligence and memories rivaling the best chess masters of Elysidia. So maybe he did remember the 3 billion chess configurations. 


But who knew what a giant chessboard the world would become for Evan as he journeyed his way to the top of the heavens.


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Table of contents

Volume 1 :Gamble

Chapter 1 - Redemption