I am sitting on a chair (actually my only chair in the apartment), with a pile of books and notebooks in front of me. I heard message notification and thought:
"Oh damn, I should really change this stupid ringtone... It's starting to annoy me!"
Suddenly, a message from one of my best friends popped up:
"Hey, girl, check out these exercises, those are really effective and it takes only 10 minutes a day to work out!"
"Hello! Thank you very much for the suggestion, I should really push myself and finally check it out! I really should do something for myself..."
I was indeed thankful to her for sending me those videos, because, you see, people actually worry about me, I am not alone! However, on the other side, this feeling of agonising loneliness is not leaving me alone. "Alone with my loneliness..." - it sounds so funny. My whole existence is funny... But still, I am really happy for having at least couple of people around me with whom I can feel free from the burden of this robotic world. Maybe they are my reason for deciding not to end it all... Yet... But, it's not like I haven't tried it already, but there was always some kind of light in the end of a miserable tunnel... Maybe I should've tried harder? Or... ANYWAY, let's stop talking about this, shall we? I really want to move to my bed now to continue studying. It feels more comfortable! I know, I know, you should have different "spaces" for studying, for eating, for sleeping, for everything. But I just don't have that much freedom around here. Or this is just my excuse to go to the bed again.
I was intensely staring at those books in front of me and those books were staring back at me. Funny, I can feel them staring at me for real. I am not joking here. And wait, have I ever told you about that feeling you get when you look into someone's eyes for the first time? It's strange, but I honestly feel as if I can look into the person's soul. In that moment some kind of intense feeling starts taking over my mind and I can see if the person standing in front of me is genuinely good or bad and a lot more. Maybe, my self-conscious is playing around with me or I have some kind of strange eye contact anxiety. Whatever it is, the eyes are the only never-changing point of a human being. You can hide behind a make up, behind all those expensive clothes, but eyes are something else, something transcendental.
I remember seeing his eyes for the first time. He was so exalted and even a little bit lost. It was his first important, public performance. I just happened to work at the place where he started performing. You can call it faith or curse or a sign, whatever, but there was something in his eyes, something I've never seen before in my life! And believe me, I am not even exaggerating! In that short moment, his big, round eyes were telling me he is a good person, he is warm and caring. Or was this just something I wanted to see in a handsome, tall and misterious man? We can never escape lookism, right?
He was passing by me and asked me where is the dressing room. His voice was manly, deep but a little bit shaky because he was rushing to get ready for the show. In that moment I forgot everything - where I was, what was my name and I just silently stood there for a second. After finally saying what he wanted to hear, he left with a huge smile on his face, thanking me for the help. I can already see that his eyes were holding an immense power. Again, it was something I've never encountered before. And that's how I started getting interested in him, in his eyes...
Oh, and it really is more comfortable sitting on the bed. Your mind just starts flying everywhere, you can't stop it from floating on a cloud of countless thoughts and possibilities. I really love sitting on the bed.
Come here, sit beside me! You are my imaginary friend, aren't you?