Dear M,
I've been thinking a lot about what is the best way to say goodbye, even if it is just in my head. Lately, I can't stop thinking about You and what we could possibly be together. Lately, I can't function properly because yesterday was our last day being together, and by "together" I mean standing next to each other and me secretly looking at you from afar while admiring your diamond mind. Sometimes I ask myself why do I like You? Is this love what I am feeling? People around me often say I like you only out of pity, or I've just created an illusion and fall for it. They say our life together would be full of problems and unhappiness. They say I don't need you… Unfortunately, I don't care. Why is it unfortunate, you ask me? It is because of my everlasting stubbornness that refuses to listen to anyone but my heart and for that, I've got burnt a lot of time before. However, when I was younger, a parson I really admire told me the life wouldn't be beautiful without its difficulties and I've been thinking about it since. What if you are a difficulty that will make my life beautiful? What if you are a "difficulty" only existing in other people's narrative, not in my own? You should know that when it comes to you, all of my guards are down and I want to wholheartedly embrace every single atom of your being, so burden me, be difficult and unbearable, because I just want all of you.
Actually, the real problem is that sometimes I think my feeling are shallow, passing and I fear that I will never be good enough for you or, maybe, you won't be able to give what my worn out mind needs. But how can I know anything when I never tasted togetherness with you?
Let me honestly ask myself why do I like you and since when? To be honest, I think there was something since day one. First time we met and you stayed a little longer to tell me what you need, I thought to myself: "Gosh, imagine falling for this guy, the only guy I shouldn't look in any way other than 'business'." Ironically enough, today you are saved as "Important business" in my contacts. Now that I let my mind float around thinking about you, I can surely say I fall for your smile first. There are three "scenes" with you I saved in my mind and in all of them your beautiful smile is the protagonist. I don't even know what you were talking about, but I only remember how angelic everything around me felt. I also fall for that look in your ocean eyes – the look full of wisdom and struggles, yet so innocent, even childish at times. I've never believed in it, but I finally understand what it means to be haunted by someone's eyes. I love those times we would roam the empty streets and got lost just because you let me be stubbornly determined to rush us into the unknown. Do you remember those times we would turn simple shopping at the supermarket into picnic, commenting all the products in the store and learning each other's likings? I always gave my best to help you in any way possible. Without being jealous, I would often listen about girls you liked and advise you what to do to be noticed by those you currently fancy. Why would I be jealous of something I will never be part of or be sad because you are happy with someone else? In fact, all those little moments and things collected together made me see you differently and appreciate you for who you are. However, can those little moments be enough to proclaim one's love? I will forever wonder… Only thing I know is that with you, I feel like I am home and that's everything that matters to me.
P. S.
You love reading old, romantic stories wishing You were the hero who saves the beautiful girl, leading the way afterwards. But I see You differently, I see You as someone who is to fragile and unaware of the world around, to naive but nevertheless brave. Hence I have the urge to protect you and be the guiding light I believe you need.
P. P. S.
Actually… I am sure You already felt the cruelty of this world on your own and You are aware of all the things I will never know, so can I ever be good enough to help you relieve the pain even for a bit?
P. P. P. S.
I came back to this unsent letter after two years and my feelings haven't changed.
Always yours,
V