As I opened the door, I was greeted by the wonderful sound of silence. The chaos from just a few minutes ago had already subsided into nothing.
*What a relaxing atmosphere. Nothing beats this.*
The reason that breakfast was one of my favorite parts of the day was simply this. Most of the time, by 07:00 sharp, my parents had already left the house to go to work, leaving me alone. However, today and the next few days would be special occasions - my sister would be home from out of town to celebrate the holiday season. Frankly, I had mixed feelings about her visit. Although I did enjoy her company, it sometimes felt like she was trying to show off her mental ability to me for literally no reason. Yesterday was a prime example of this.
The feeling of annoyance towards my parents and the relief that they were gone was short-lived, and the fact that I had to face despair again sunk in.
*Oh, "Let's play chess, Jon! I want to see how much you've improved your skills!" Right. Do you want to see how much I've improved, or do you just want to beat me into the ground again?*
I knew that there was a zero percent chance of her letting me win - she would never go easy on me. Even the game we played yesterday, which was seemingly close, was her way of teasing me. Despite that thought, I still accepted the challenge. Deep down, I really did believe that I'd improved at least a little bit.
*Even though my recent track record at the chess club doesn't really reflect that...*
Yet that belief was crushed pretty quickly when I had to face her again. And the response I received?
*"You really have improved, Jon! Maybe next time you'll even be able to beat me!" Yeah, right. Next time? What an arbitrary measurement of time.*
Next time. Whenever that was. Next time could be a few years from today. It could even be a few decades. But it could also be this morning. After all, it was still technically the "next time" I was meeting her.
Knowing this, I apprehensively closed the door and began my melancholy walk to the kitchen.
My bedroom was located at the end of a long and narrow hallway that eventually made its way towards the living room. I looked around the hallway for another moment. There were a few doors here and there, but the majority of the hallway was just a long wall. If it weren't for some of the works of art on the walls, it would have been a pretty boring whitewashed hallway. For better or for worse, my parents had made sure to renovate this hallway even if it was only just a little bit. Maybe it was an act of goodwill towards me, making sure I wouldn't be bored as I made the trek twice a day. Or maybe it was for a different reason entirely, like good feng shui, or something. Regardless, these art pieces never failed to grasp my attention if even for a few moments every day.
The first one I would see after leaving my room was on the left side of the hallway. It was a family photo of me and my siblings from a while ago. My eldest sister, Jeanna, was standing boldly behind a chair while a confident smile was emblazoned on her face. She was also sporting her signature peace sign with her left hand. Even though it had been quite a number of years since that picture, her confidence doesn't seem to have wavered in the slightest. Of course, sitting on that chair was a toddler version of yours truly. Nothing to see there. Just another child clueless about the ways of the world, that's all.
*Not like I really have any more of a clue now, anyway.*
Finally, there were my twin siblings, Jonah and Jeanne. They were, of course, very competitive with each other. Not a surprise given what type of family we were, especially with Jeanna as a role model. They absolutely did not want anything to do with each other in this picture. They were turned slightly away from each other, but their eyes were nearly glaring - a severe contrast from Jeanna's dazzling smile. The twins obviously let contempt show on their faces. But maybe because they refused to smile for the camera, it was possible to remember their traits better, making this memory charming.
The second picture I'd see was located on the right side of the hallway. It was a picture of my parents during their wedding. My father looked as sharp as always, and my mother looked like she was having the time of her life, even though she was merely smiling for the camera. The little engraving on this framed piece at the bottom read, "Jie and Ember Xu". That was it. No details about what the image was for or when it was taken. The simplicity of the plaque reflected my parents' attitudes towards life. Their anniversary date wasn't important enough to be talked about, because why did it matter? The only thing that did was that they were together. But... this was the picture that least interested me.
The third photo was once again located on the left side of the hallway. This time, only the face of Jeanna was visible. This picture seemed to be taken at an even earlier date than the family picture, because she was really young, maybe just three or four years old. And the most eerie thing was that her expression didn't have a hint of its current charm. Her face was so uninterested that her eyes seemed to be almost glazed over. It was creepy - what sort of three-year-old would you have to be to be exhausted with life? I always had a slight aversion to this one. Why was her face like that? What did she go through? And... is the confident, upbeat Jeanna that shows her face around me... really her? I didn't want to think about it, because what if my conspiracy was true?
But what really freaked me out was the people behind her. Yes, though Jeanna was the subject of the shot, there were two people standing behind her. One appeared to be male and the other female, but they were too tall to have their faces visible in the frame. Their clothes were the only things that could let me tell them apart; none of their skin was showing. The male wore what seemed to be a black leather glove, and the woman was wearing one of those white gloves that was seen straight out of the 1950's. Their figures were also out of focus, making it even harder to discern their identities. To this day, I still had no idea who those people were, and Jeanna doesn't seem to remember, either, claiming it was too long ago, and she was too young.
Fortunately, I didn't have to eat breakfast with a solemn attitude thanks to the last image in the hall.
It was one that never failed to fascinate me, and was by far my favorite. Unlike the others, this one was an oil painting, not a photograph. If one looked at the scenery in the foreground and background, it would be nearly impossible to tell whether or not it was a photograph. The short blades of grass wavered elegantly on the windy hillside, complimenting the meticulously placed evergreen trees. The sky displayed its many evening shades across the canvas, ranging from warm oranges near the horizon to cool purples in the expanse. It wasn't until you saw the subject that you could clearly tell it was a work of fiction.
I must have stared at the painting for too long again, because my sister's voice roused me from my trance.
"Jon? You still over there? Hurry up and come eat! You've been standing over there for like five minutes!"
*Oh... she's right. What am I doing?*
Surprised at how much time had passed during a useless activity, I rushed out of the hallway, took a right turn into the living room, and took a sharp left back into the kitchen... but not before knocking the oil painting right off its hook.
It tumbled towards the ground and landed on the carpeted floor with a quiet *thud*.
*Oops. I'll get that later, or I really will be late to school. It's not like it'll get damaged by sitting on the ground for a few hours.*
With great haste, I sat myself down at the breakfast table and expressed my gratitude for the meal so I could finally start eating. Jeanna was kind of a stickler when it came to manners, and I didn't want to embarrass myself on the first morning of her visit.
But... I didn't realize how hungry I was, and started scarfing down the toast and omelets with complete disregard for said manners.
In complete seriousness, though, eggs were legitimately one of my favorite foods. They're so versatile; they can be used in practically any dish due to the variety of ways they can be prepared. Honestly, it sometimes doesn't even have to be prepared. A raw or undercooked egg in a burger or on rice is seriously delectable. They can act as a glue by binding the essentials of baked or fried goods together. They're very cheap, but that's not really something I need to worry about as a high schooler. Adult problems require adult solutions. Fortunately, I was only sixteen years old. I still had a ways to go before I crossed the threshold into adulthood!
"Hey Jon, did you forget I was a stickler for manners?"
"Um... sorry, I -!"
Before I could fully apologize, a piece of toast fell down the wrong pipe, leaving me coughing in a somewhat pitiable manner.
*Ah... Why?*
Why was I always so pathetic in front of her? No matter what it came to, she was always looking down on me. And nothing I did could prove my worth to her.
I was trying my hardest, but nothing I did yielded any results, leading to feelings of helplessness and frustration. I wasn't easily provoked, but no matter how many times I reconstructed my temperament, Jeanna would always manage to flick that one switch that set me off.
Probably sensing my internal monologue, she gave me a sweet smile that was not smug in the slightest.
"And, by the way," she continued, "you're almost seventeen, nearly at the threshold of adulthood. What do you even plan on doing in the future?"
I nearly spit out my drink at that line.
*Man, I don't know! What am I supposed to say?*
I had to make something up on the spot.
"Well you know, I could just become a millionaire through playing poker, you know? I've got some good friends who are amazing at these psychological battles, you know? They'll set me on the fast track to success real quick. Ha ha."
Wrought with nerves, this was the best answer I could muster. What a terrible response.
Jeanna closed her eyes and sighed.
"You know, Jon, it really is okay if you don't know what your future will hold. The statement about the threshold of adulthood was just to get a reaction out of you. You're so easy to read. How can you play poker like that?"
She emitted a small laugh, covering her mouth with one hand. If I weren't on the short end of the stick, it could even be called adorable.
Maybe it was that laugh that catalyzed my temper.
"What do you mean, so easy to read? How? Why is it that whatever I do is instantly seen through by you? I've tried so much to not be useless, but you humiliate me every time!"
"Hmm... I'm not trying to humiliate you. Haven't you noticed that you've significantly improved yourself over time? You're only comparing yourself to me, which is extremely unfair to you. Why don't you go outside and compare yourself to where you were even just a year ago?"
"What do you mean? I still don't have any friends, my grades are still shit, and I still don't know what I'm going to do in the future. I'm pretty sure my abilities have actually regressed rather than advanced. Tell me. Where? Where have I improved? If my life continues like this, I'm not going to go anywhere. I'll be stuck in the same cesspool of society for the rest of my life, and I'll die without having accomplished anything at all. Tell me where I've improved, Jeanna!"
"Jon, you think I wouldn't notice by just being around you? Do you think I'm lying when I tell you that you are significantly better at all games we play every time we meet? Besides, you're only sixteen. You're way, WAY too young to be having an existential crisis. Just calm down and live your life. Trust me when I say you're doing fine."
"Games? GAMES?! Life isn't a game! It's just shit! All this time, what are you even trying to accomplish? Challenging me to games at random and crushing me! You're saying that I improved? You're just trying to prove that you're the best! It's not fun for me! It's really not fun for me! I hate it! Honestly, why don't you go search for opponents of your own caliber rather than destroying me all the time? That's what should be fun for a normal person, but you're anything but normal!
I have to force myself to remember that I'm better than most people at this kind of stuff, so I should be feeling proud of myself, but no! There's always this shadow over me that I can't escape, and it's yours! I can't even act normally around you because of how pathetic I feel! Seriously, what are you doing? You're a monster, Jeanna!"
And there it was. It was something I shouldn't have said, but it was too late.
Even if you say "oh, I take it back", strong words can never be completely forgotten. And this wasn't something I could take back, even if I wanted to. These were my raw, unfiltered emotions that had been stirring within me for years; it was a cathartic experience to tell her how I really felt.
Jeanna was in mild shock for a moment, then she also seemed to realize what I said. I could see her eyes starting to water slightly, which definitely hit me hard as well. An immovable wall, someone with the fortitude of a boulder, my confident older sister, was about to cry.
*Dammit, don't cry now...*
I didn't know whether that thought was directed towards her or myself, but that didn't matter right now.
"I see. So that really is how you saw it."
"You... knew?"
A violent swirl of emotions began to stir up again within me, but this time I had the rationality to keep them down. I needed to know how she would respond.
"Of course. Didn't I say you were easy to read? I had suspicions that this is how you felt, but you've just confirmed them."
Tears were more visible in her eyes now. Seeing such a strange sight made me unwilling to make another rash move. But I had to know.
"So then why..!"
"But you always accept, don't you?"
"What?"
"You always accept all of the challenges I issue. Most of them without hesitation."
This... was true. Whenever she asked me to play a game or participate in a challenge, I could never remember a declination. This meant that she only challenged me when I was certain to accept.
*How is that possible...?*
I had no response, and was forced to reconsider my disposition towards her.
"You see, Jon, I wanted to see you get better. To push past your own limits. And time and time again, you really have."
"..."
"I know you don't believe me, but you really have gotten close to beating me on several occasions. Sometimes your improvements were so rapid that it was scary!"
She laughed again, and this time I couldn't help but calm down a little. How could I not in front of that face? But I still had to know something. Something about her monstrous behavior.
"Then... why did you never go easy on me?"
"Because I can't."
"Huh? Why not? If you go easy on me, then I'll at least feel like I can win next time! I wouldn't have been in despair all this time if you let me win a few!"
"That's true, but think about it this way. If I barely let you lose every time, you would gain false hope. Would you rather cling on to false hope for years? How would you react when you realize what I was doing? In a similar outburst, you would say I was toying with you. But... there's another reason why I don't. And it's somewhat of a weakness."
*Jeanna has a weakness?*
This information was almost like music to my ears. Even though I was already paying attention, this sentence from her made me sharpen my focus to a point.
"After seeing your reactions so far, you may really be thinking that it's impossible for me to have a weakness, right? But I do. My criminally insane determination to win and inability to take a loss... is the real reason I never went easy on you. Haha."
*That's her weakness? What?*
Her response was sincere, yet it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. So naturally, I laughed.
She tilted her head slightly and wore a mildly surprised expression, but I knew that deep inside, she was bewildered beyond belief.
"That's... your weakness?!"
I finally was able to get a sentence in between my pathetic wheezing. Her expression hadn't changed. Her head was still tilted slightly, as if she really didn't have a clue as to what I was thinking.
"That's... such a terrible weakness! It's so stupid. That can't possibly be considered a weakness!"
She closed her slightly agape mouth, cleared her throat, and stared at the cooling coffee cup in front of her. Then, she gave a small, content smile.
"You're right. I guess it's a nice weakness to have, isn't it? I didn't think you were going to say that."
At that moment, I heard words from Jeanna's mouth that I had never heard before.
*"I didn't think you were going to say that."*
It was the first time living under her suffocating shadow that I managed to do something that caught her off guard. After years upon years of losing, something I did finally slipped by her.
"Can... I take that as a win in this game then?"
Jeanna gave another small laugh, and said, "You said life isn't a game, but aren't you treating it like one? So sure, why not?"
My first victory against her. Even if it was small and meaningless, it was still the first. I felt more liberated right now than I ever had in the past. The shadow of the insurmountable wall I lived under really was just another human being. I can't believe it took me this long to see that.
Just as I was about to feel relieved, I remembered something that seemed quite important.
"Wait... The game yesterday. I barely lost. I analyzed that game and it seemed like you were teasing me. I don't believe what you said is true... Didn't you go easy on me there?"
"Hmm... Well, how do I put this? I almost lost for real."
"Huh??"
"It's embarrassing, isn't it? I happened to play terribly, and you played way above your rating. It's just one game, but the stars almost aligned for you, Jon."
*I almost beat her? Me? Beat Jeanna at chess?*
I couldn't believe it. What should have given me a boost of confidence didn't feel real.
"... It really is scary, though... how quickly you improved, I mean. How did you do it?"
"Did I really improve that quickly?"
Jeanna narrowed her eyes at me, as if I were asking the dumbest question in the world.
"You climbed from 1000 to 2200 in two years. You're asking if that's fast? Hmph. Well, it doesn't matter too much to me... As your elder sister, it makes me happy to see lil' Jon grow up so strong~"
"Um... Like I said earlier, I have a friend who's quite good at this kind of thing... I guess..."
*Now that I think about it, his personality may not be so different from my sister's. He's worse than her at everything, so I guess I couldn't feel significant pressure from him...*
But how could I compare anyone in this world to my sister? It was just unfair. So I shook my head and explained the details about my best friend to her. His mindset was similar to hers, so it was possible that they could get along quite well.
"Hmm..."
After my explanation, Jeanna fell into a long, contemplative pause. After a while, she finally spoke up.
"I see. It's good that you have a friend, but don't get carried away by him."
"... What do you mean by that?"
"Oh... Nothing in particular. I guess I'm just being overprotective of my little brother? I shouldn't be saying much if he's the only good friend you have. After all, when I was sixteen I was the most popular girl in school and-"
"Okay! That's enough of that!"
Jeanna's popularity was the last thing I wanted to hear about right now. I quickly changed the subject.
"Oh, I know. Why don't you come to the chess club after school today? Since you guys have the same mentality when it comes to games, I can only imagine the look on his face when you kick his ass. Heh heh..."
"Oh..? Is he really so important that I need to take him down? Or is it a challenge? As you know, I can't back down from a challenge."
"Why don't we say it's a challenge, then. I challenge you to beat him as many times as possible in a row."
"Challenge accepted. Using my weakness to your advantage, now, are you? You really do learn fast. Now, now, hurry on to school, or you'll definitely be late!"
*Already?*
I checked the clock on the wall to the right of where I was seated, which read 07:28. Thirty-two minutes before the start of school. Panicking, I quickly stuffed the rest of my breakfast down my throat. The eggs, toast, and fruit blended into a strange smoothie in my mouth. I almost gagged, but I stayed strong and forced the food into my stomach.
"Don't worry, I'll excuse your manners this time, think of it as a reward for your first win!"
*What a lame reward for an extravagant accomplishment... and stop smiling at me like that again!*
With breakfast done, dishes in the dishwasher, and backpack on my back, it was finally time to leave the house for school.
07:30. Thirty minutes before school. Leaving right now would let me be exactly on time for class. It was perfect. However...
"By the way, what did you drop on your rush to the dining room?"
I froze on the spot.
*How does she know about that? There's absolutely no way she could have heard it fall!*
"Um, nothing important! Just one of the pictures in the hallway near my room... don't worry about it, sis, I'll fix it after I get home."
"Okay, then! Have fun at school! Don't fail any of your tests today!"
Now, if I had a drink in my mouth, I definitely would have spit it out. Of course, this reaction made Jeanna laugh at me again.
"Seriously, go! You're guaranteed to be late now."
I checked my phone's clock. 07:31 and 27 seconds. If I hurried, maybe I could make it on time. But why would I do that if I was guaranteed to be late anyway?
So when I arrived at my first class, it was 08:13. I was thirteen minutes late, and had a disadvantage against my peers on the first test.