Musa kept his promise; he brought the laptop accompanied by my phone. Miracles still do happen as long as you believe and have the faith. Faith, prayer and fasting are the keys to breakthrough to overcome obstacles. When he handed me my phone and his laptop, my heart was filled with joy, it was like I was about to text sweet romantic messages to my girlfriend.
The minute I switched it on, there it was, a screen saver of Lindy and I in happier times, on joyful days. My eyes began to be teary, not because am not appreciating what my younger brother is doing for me or its hard to remember, but because memories flashed right through my eyes and I could see those happier times of where and when the pictures were captured. When coming out of a Coma, normally patients who were injured on brains suffer memory loss, and sometimes its permanent and some tend to regain a few of the memory well I guess I'm among the lucky ones. I have started to regain my memory just after coming out of Coma I have started to remember a few things.
"Are you alright?" he was concerned.
"Yeah…" I wiped my tears. "I'm just great full that, your brilliant ideas are now helping me out i…"
"Am glad they could help… hold the phones… are you trying to tell me that you remember?" he probed.
"Yeah… a little bit though… one step at a time moos."
He jumped up excitingly and embraced me so hard, he wanted to cry, he tried not to, but eventually he sat down and leaned his back to the wall and wept.
"Hey… why are you crying… you are supposed to be rejoicing and celebrating with me… but you are doing the exact opposite…."
"Am sorry… its just that, I have sacrificed a lot for your health," he said.
"What do you mean?"
"No, its not important," he said.
"If it concerns me… I have the right to know,"
"Ok… if you insist, I'll tell you… your name on the medical aid account had gone out, our parents savings, went all out the only option I had was to take my tuition fee for my first year in varsity…" he explained.
"Oh… that's sad… but isn't dad a business man?"
"He struggled to make business… clients weren't delivering, every time there was something wrong with the equipment's… he was on the verge of selling his last cars…" he continued.
"Was it really that bad?"
"Even worse, the paintings you painted, some of them were sold to help pay your medical bills…"
"My paintings..."
"Yes… after my varsity money was out, mom and dad were under a lot of stress, mom didn't get any money to import and export her outfits for her boutique..."
"Aren't I in a public hospital?"
"Have you been listening to every word I've been telling you?" he probed.
"Yes, but…"
"I wouldn't be telling you all of this if you were admitted at it… and on a public hospital, we would have long buried you…" he said.
"I didn't know that, my being here was causing a lot of strain to my family."
"How would you have known, because you were unconscious for a while and hardly heard anything?" he said.
"So…um… what happened to my paintings?"
"A reliable source, connected us with Mr. Ngozi… who is so fond of you and he donated a R150 000.00 to your Medical bill."
"What? A R150 000.00 … wow he's definitely a Good Samaritan hey."
"He is… he donated all of this money because the hospital was about to shut down your life support machines…" he continued.
"Well, why didn't you let them do it?"
"Because bro… nobody can fight fate… only a few believed that you deserved a second chance, and when you get up, you'll forfeit all we've lost and we'll be back to normal like we used too." He said.
"And how do you suppose I do all of that?"
"You'll paint and sell your drawings and you'll be famous." He was so positive.
It was so intriguing to have known that I had an interesting life before the accident, my parent's lives were turned upside down and Musa's life was on hold because of me. I had to pull myself together to be the same old Joseph they all loved and cared about. I just needed time to settle myself and be the best man I can be.
"I promise you Musa everything will be back to normal but all in good time."
"Yeah I hope so too bro…" he said.
"Tell me, how did it come about that Lindy had to leave and emigrate in France?"
"She was scared to see you losing your life and all because of his ex-boyfriend..." he said.
"What ex-boyfriend?"
"The same guy who has cost us a half and quarter of a million rands of operations including hospital bills…" he said.
"So Lindy left because, she thought I was going to die?"
"Yeah, I know so because according to her information, she probably knows that you are no more…"
"…visiting hours are now over son… perhaps you should come later in the evening…" said the security guy.
"Its ok… brother, I'll see you tomorrow… is that cool with you?" he probed.
"Yeah… and I need some time to … um… find myself."
"I love you bro…" he said.
"And I love you too Moos."
He smiled and gave me some love, a brotherly love hug.
Days gone, weeks gone, months gone and seasons changed as I was still at the hospital, I felt like I was a slave of the bed, felt like was held hostage; it was like I'm a held captive in a foreign country. Its not easy not being able to help yourself, not being able to move around was painful. Being crippled on your youth is so painful, nothing is better to be crippled or being normal, but we all experience or endeavor the same pain, pain which hurt most. An injury pain and a heartache pain seems to triple the pain, when you are hurt the pain goes straight to the heart and when you are heart broken and hurt too, ouch that's when the pain is tripled, tripled because you have already been hurt and you are still hurting because you have lost that adorable person you have admired once in a lifetime.
The pain I was feeling then was nothing compared to the pain Jesus felt on Calvary. I longed to see Lindiwe just to see her beautiful face, none other touch it, when I see the clips, where she was pouring her heart out, hoping I was going to make a move or a sound telling her that everything would be alright. It breaks my heart even more, it breaks it to pieces.
On the clips she would sleep all day and night on my chest, listening to my heart beat and tears would run out of her eyes. There was this one day when they took her away, thinking that she would die out of hunger and she might develop crazy acts, they thought that she might go crazy, by the look of things she was definitely losing it.
When her parents found her in my ward, dressed with hospital clothes gazing at my face, they asked her politely to come home with them, to France but she just sat there on the wheelchair and kept quiet.
"Lindy dear" said his father Mr. Maseko "there's no use crying over spelt milk."
"My dear child" said her mom Mrs. Maseko "you'll find love again… and when you've found it please love like you have never had your heart tarnished before."
"Mom and dad" she said. "How… how do I tell him that I'll be gone from here… gone from this place…"
"… sweaty…" said Mrs. Maseko
"… How do I tell him that, my parents are taking me away from him?" she said.
"Listen Lindy… you are still young, you'll find love again… and perhaps find a good young man that'll…" said Mr. Maseko.
"… I don't need any man… I want Joseph… if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be lying here…" she said.
"My dear, stop blaming you…" said Mrs. Maseko.
"It's not fair on him or on me, I'm the cause of all this and yet you want me to leave him." She said.
"Um… darling" said Mr. Maseko "All hope is gone… and you know it…"
"… No… I don't… and I know J.R, he'll overcome this…" she said.
"Lindy," my father called out her name. "We don't have a choice, we have used all our savings and Musa's Varsity money… it pains me too, to see my eldest son lose his life like this at his young age."
"He hasn't died yet!" she said, the way she spoke she knew that I was going to make it out alive, she believed in our love, in our bond, that when two people love each other nothing can come between them.
My father said something that unsettled her, something that was so painful and was obnoxious in her heart. He set the time on when they were going to unplug the machines.
"Tonight doctor" he paused for a while and took a deep breath. "At 7h30pm we'll switch off the machines"
"Are you sure Mr. Radebe?" the doctor asked.
"It's not an easy decision to make… but I have to…" he said.
"Ok then, I can see that… you all don't want him to live… I won't be here then when you murder your own son…"
"Lindy," cried out mom.
"… at 6h30pm, I'll be leaving South Africa and emigrate in France" she got up and left the room and came back changed to her clothes. She stood by my bed and gazed at me after a while she then started to talk. She didn't just talk but she rhymed a poem, not just any written poem by a poet, but she rhymed a poem that came out from the bottom of her heart.
How I have wished to be your wife,
How I have wished to be the mother of your children,
How I have wished to grow old with you,
Perhaps we were not destined to be together,
Maybe in the afterlife we will meet again.
How I wished that you'd die a peaceful death,
But yet its been recommended that you die a painful one,
It might look peaceful, but it's a painful one to me because my heart is not ready to let you go…
I have loved you from the day you showed me love,
The day you rescued me from my own self,
I have loved you, I love you now, and I'll always love you,
I hope and pray that you go well and be safe in the arms of the good LORD.
Maybe, maybe in the afterlife the good LORD will give us another chance to embrace our love,
If you have loved me that much and I have loved you this much…
I am sure in the afterlife we'll love each other more.
You have filled my heart with so much joy and happiness,
Laughter was my middle name… ever since I have met you,
You have showed me the colors of love,
The colors which you and I could only see,
Am sad to say that am leaving,
And my heart is yearning for you,
You're leaving me like this! Is not acceptable,
I love you JOSEPH RADEBE,
If you could hear me, please do know that I will rather die single than love again,
Because only you were only available to give me the sweetness of love,
None can fill the gap that you had filled like you did,
Good bye.
She then came closer to my face and gave me her last kiss, if that is not true love then I don't know what it is, my lips were dry, like a corpse that has been on ice for days in a mortuary but her lips covered my lips like a warm blanket keeping me warm. I wished I could have kissed her back and tell her that I am here darling am not going anywhere. She then moved away and stormed out of the room. The words she had spoken gave me hope, if only I could go back and turn back the sands of time, I would and start afresh and propose to her before that moron did, but then what I should do is get myself together and perhaps I could get another chance and give her the love she deserves, nevertheless her ex-boyfriend has crippled me.
Some would say life is totally unfair, well when is it fair? When everything is running smooth and there are no troubles along the way that could stop you and that is fair? Well that would be called a fair life? No its not, life has its ups and downs but in the end its just the way it is. All we got to do is grab life with both hands and go with flow, wherever the wind is blowing to the other direction try and face the direction its blowing towards and go the opposite way and by that you won't get any dirt on your eyes but when you face it, you will say the wind isn't fair.
The days of the week are not the same, Monday can never be compared to Tuesday or the following day. Neither compared to the following week, that's just how life is just accept whatever life may bring. Whether good or bad its just how it is, just the way it was planned, planned to happen on that day. Stop saying life is unfair, who wants bad things to happen to him or her alone always? No one... why then life has to be smooth on you always, if you don't come across challenges how then will you help a friend and solve a problem out if you don't come across one.
Enough about life teachings, I was then discharged from the hospital after a month, I was ready to go home ready to breath the freshness of the trees and the flowers. I wasn't just discharged because I wanted to inhale fresh air, I was discharged because my physiotherapist said my bones were coming alright and yeah the thought of sleeping on hospital bed every day was weighing me out, I yearned for my bed back home even so I don't remember quite well how it felt like when sleeping on it. I longed for the days I would spend with my entire family and having home cooked meal.
I would go for check-ups and do my exercises every now and then just to stretch my muscles.
I thank God Almighty for his goodness and mercy that he never stops showing me each day, being alive and kicking is all because of his grace, I did say alive and kicking right, which is true I am kicking but not like I used to but am able to walk even though my other leg hasn't fully recovered, I had to use a cane just to get my balance, it was my third leg.
It was on a Saturday afternoon when Trevor came in to visit, he found me staring at my paintings, admiring my own work, by the look of things I wasn't really sure I painted all of that… Trevor just read my mind.
"You are looking at the paintings…" he said "… as if you are not pretty much sure that you did all of that."
"You have just read my mind." I said.
"Come on man, I know you did and your paintings are story telling."
"Seriously man, am not quite sure if I still have it in me, the guy who painted all of this is talented…" I said.
"… of course he is talented, and that guy is you… have you painted anything new yet?"
"How can I paint, if I don't know where all this inspiration came from?" I spoke with anxiety.
"You had always loved drawing" he said "and you loved painting pictures, not only just pictures but also your dreams."
"My dreams… did all of this paintings come from dreams?" I probed,
"Not all of them, but some of them… see the 'some of them' which I'm referring too were inspired by Lindy." He said.
"How is that?"
"You used to admire her beauty a lot, as if she is the only pretty girl on earth." he smiles "and I would find you painting her pictures." He explained.
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah… man." He replied.
"Was I really that attracted to her?"
"Sort of, cause you were like a magnet towards her." He said.
Trevor explained everything to me; from the first day I told him that I am falling in love with Lindy from scratch, from how I rescued her from her crazy boyfriend. I then put two and two together and understood why I ended up in hospital. Why Lindy left, some of my memory did bring some of the things that used to happen, it was all in Trevor's hands to rescue me now. He did try to bring Lindy closer to me, and all that has happen you have read it already. He is a true friend, I didn't know if this time around he would come up with serious stunts to bring Lindy back to me. Well then, no one knows what is going on, on one's mind only him and God knows.
"Yeah Mon… I have told you everything and now, you just need to find your inner self and get your groove back." He said.
"At the moment my friend, nothing inspires me, am just accepting what is given to me each and every day."
"You know what my friend; my friend J.R was full of life…" he said.
"Please don't mock me Mon…"
"…Am not mocking you, am just stating the facts…" he said.
"Oh really now,"
"You were so ambitious about life… you wanted to reach new frontiers… what happened to you?" he probed as if he never knew.
"Life is what happened." I said.
"Just paint ok, paint whatever comes to your mind, find yourself man."
"I don't know what to paint, am not even sure I am able to hold the paint brush anymore." I said.
"You just grab that paint brush and start painting…" he said.
"…Paint what?"
"Are you kidding me? There's always something to paint on that brain of yours."
"Really… something like what?" I probed.
"You painters, always look at this world with a different perspective…"
"… And what would that be?" I said.
"I don't know, try something man."
"Ok, ok I'll try and stop being pushy." I said.
"If I have to, I will and I won't let you throw your talent away just like that." He expresses.
"Ok then, just give me a glimpse of what used to inspire me."
"I told you already… Lindy used to inspire you." He said.
"But she's not here now." I said.
"Think of something then and yeah you can paint."
"But why her now,"
"I don't know what used to come to your mind when you would think of her, and you would paint and paint." He expresses.
"So you are actually saying that she inspired every picture that is in this room?"
"I think so" said mom "I don't know what love portion that girl gave you, but yeah ever since you met her, you would paint none stop." She said.
"Really Mom,"
"Yeah…" replied Trevor "You should find another inspiration and start painting."
"You think so…"
"No, we don't think so, we know so" they both spoke "Look Joe, you are talented just keep that in your mind." he said.
"You should begin son." said mom.
"Look at the time… I should be going; I promised Mercy that I'll take her out to lunch…" he said.
"Lucky you man."
I said that because I did not want them to know that I knew why Lindy left. In my mind I wanted to keep calm and be patient until I have fully recovered. It pained me each and every day whenever my memory would remember how she wept on my hospital bed, and even so no one has tried to find where she's based in Paris.
"Yeah… man you can say I am happy but am not really that happy because you are not happy." He said.
"No man… you go on and be happy, I'll be fine… I'll just try my best and pick up the pieces of where Lindy and I left off."
"Don't be too hard on yourself, ok son?" said mom.
"Yeah, I won't but now, I would love to be alone." I said.
"Ok," said mom "I'll leave you alone, make sure you take those." she pointed at my medication and lunch.
"Yeah man… please try, Lindy wouldn't be pleased to see you sulking like that…" he said.
"… Perhaps you are right…"
"… You better lift your head high and stop regretting it's been years and you are still holding back come on…" he said.
"… Yeah, yeah you should probably go."
"Yeah,"
"Thanks for the lovely chitchat my friend, I appreciate it." I said.
"You get out of this and paint pictures; there are so many stories to tell out there." He said.
"Yeah… thanks for the heads up."
"Am going now… you look after yourself," he said.
I was starting to let go of a lot of things, life did not matter at all to me, and I was just accepting whatever life was bringing nevertheless looking myself on the mirror, I did not care how I looked like, I had no ambition, I was just a loner. All I could do is wonder what was Lindy doing with her life instead of fixing my own. Perhaps she had moved on and married to a French guy and all I do is feel sorry for myself than pick up the pieces, in life it's good to fall facing the front than facing back, because if you had fallen with your back that simple means you were reversing you weren't going forward, it's good to fall facing front because you were going to reach something that'll help you be something else, to be something you've always dreamed off or you were reaching your goals rather than fall back trying to fix yesterday's mistakes, yesterday's date is gone, today will soon be yesterday all we can do is dream of the day after tomorrow that we can try not to repeat the same mistakes done by others.
In life it is good to learn from other people's mistakes and it is also good to take their advices even though it won't be everything but something that will benefit you, which is worth considering whether you'll fall back or fall forth.
The next day was Sunday, on that morning when I got up and cleaned myself, shaved my beard and combed my hair, took out my best outfit and dressed up. Life is not about feeling sorry for yourself, the moment you put your life on hold, just take a sit and watch, isn't that your life is on pause button, time is moving and it waits for no man, while you are sitting down your peers are busy building their future out there and when they succeed you'll get envious and that won't bring you any good but will only lead to sin, rather than sitting watching what is going on around you, use your skills, your ability, your talent to be your profession even though you might not be taken seriously today but your day is coming.
I felt sorry that I was crippled and probably no girl would take a look at me, but guess what the moment you think it's over God has already prepared something more valuable than the first one you had given up on, am talking about opportunity, I was busy deceiving myself thinking that its over but the moment I went back to church, singing, dancing shouting praises and giving God all the praise. He definitely showed me that those tiny small drops of rain of blessings I thought it was heavy rain it was nothing He still has something in store for me a huge storm of blessings that I couldn't bear.
Indeed I needed to thank him about the blessing of life he has given me, nothing is more important than having your soul still in union with your body, many wouldn't have survived the odds that I have went through but it was all because of his greatness not my own doing but only his merciful love, it was all in his graceful hands that pulled me back to life. When God says yes no man can say no, and it'll never be over until he says it's over.