Dissociation: a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.
*
I sat in the front room, in the middle of tying my shoe, when the front door sounded. I quickened my shoe-tying pace so I could answer the door only for Bonnie to come barrelling from her room, disturbing any peace in the dorm, and approach the door herself.
Mia appeared from the hallway and watched Bonnie open it. Behind her an older woman, and by older I mean maybe mid to late fifties, stood behind her. With accordance to a psychiatrist's advice, Mia had been given a piano teacher to provide her with 'proper focus in the ambitions she enjoys.' Mrs Borski was her name, and she gave every child she laid eyes on a toffee, so we all liked her.
Bonnie struggled to open the door, to the point where I almost got across the room in time to open it before she managed on her own.
At the door stood a somewhat absent looking Amelia. "Hey Amelia," Bonnie greeted, "Just give me a second, I left my jacket in the kitchen."
With that, Bonnie reversed from the door and disappeared towards the kitchen.
Mia was leaning heavily on the corner of the hallway, eyeing Amelia from across the room. Her focus only distracted by Mrs Borski, "Come, dear. Let's continue the lesson." Whether it was willingness or absentness, Mia didn't object to the tug by her piano teacher's arm as she disappeared back down the hallway.
I held the door open to keep it from closing, "Would you like to come in, Amelia?" I offered, gesturing to the front room, "I'm just going for a run, but Bonnie won't be much longer."
It was like speaking to a brick wall.
Amelia's eyes stared at the centre of my chest, yet it was like she didn't see me. While subtle, I noticed she swayed back and forth, as if she had just gotten off a boat. "Hello? Amelia?" I waved my hand to catch her attention, to which she blinked and seemed to catch sight of me.
"Oh, hello," she greeted rubbing her eye, "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
"Just asking if you wanted to come in," I reminded, chuckling at her tiredness, "Where're you guys heading today?"
"Umm." Amelia's eyes slowly looked behind me, her brows twitching as if she tried to look at something behind me. I glanced upwards, noting the chandelier but nothing more of note. "A few girls are going to Windmill Lake," she informed, her fierce stare narrowing on what I was wearing, her eye travelling from my shoes, to my pants, to my shirt and jacket, until finally blinked again and shook her head. "Yeah, we're going to Windmill Lake," she moved her arm, but it seemed heavy, "Go for a walk and then maybe get some ice-cream. We like ice-cream."
I nodded, "Is that so?" Amelia seemed very off to me. I leaned forwards, her natural act of stepping away from me or getting flustered at my presence nowhere to be found as I asked, "Amelia, are you alright?"
It was like my small movement made her lose track of me, for a second she was lost for where to look, until she found my eye and nodded, offering a quick smile, "I'm just tired. A lot of stuff going on."
Before I could inquire further, Bonnie came back into the front room. "And I'm good to go," she informed, her blue jacket on her lap, "Are the other girls meeting us there?"
Amelia rolled her shoulders back and blinked a few times again before saying, "Of course, Bonnie."
Bonnie started for the front door, I caught the handle of her wheelchair. "When do you guys think you'll be home?" I asked.
Bonnie shrugged, "I dunno. Maybe a couple of hours or so, why?"
"Robyn and I are making dinner. Any objections to kale salad and smoothies?" I joked.
Bonnie scoffed, "I have many objections, thank you very much."
We chuckled a moment before I clarified, "How about burgers then? We're gonna start once I get back. Any preference?"
She shrugged, "Do we have any wedges?"
"Estelle beat you to it. Yes, there will be wedges."
"Then I'm all good." She straightened, "Do we have enough for another person?"
I considered the request and shrugged, "We could probably make another. Why?"
Bonnie looked to Amelia, still standing in the doorway, "Amelia, do you wanna come back afterwards? After dinner, we watch some crappy TV shows and make weird desserts when we have guests."
I had never had Amelia over for dinner, and I imagined her company would be nice. But when I looked to her, waiting for an answer, she seemed far away again, furrowing her eyes as she looked back and forth between us. "You good, Am?" Bonnie asked, impatient for an answer.
Amelia blinked away her daze and nodded, "Yes. I'm fine. You ready to go?"
Bonnie nodded, "Yep."
Amelia stepped to the side to allow Bonnie the room to move and stood there for a second longer than Bonnie. I had expected a farewell, maybe a squeak of a goodbye like she usually did, but after trying to focus on my eyes again, she turned on her heels and followed Bonnie out onto the main road.
As I watched them leave, I closed the door behind me, giving myself a quick stretched before I went off for my quick run, heading in the opposite direction to the girls so Bonnie couldn't accuse me of following them.
I hadn't done much running since Amada left, at least not deliberate running. With each step I took, I was reminded that I didn't have the occasional complaints of Amada to keep me company, the wheezing and groans of protest to break up my otherwise dull strides. I made quick work of my jog then I anticipated.
When I entered the house again, Ava was coming down the stairs, hopping from one to the next with as much haste and wonder as a little girl. When she got to the last three, she just jumped and landed on the ground. "Have you gone for your run yet?" she asked, seeing me by the door.
I wiped my brow and nodded, "Yep. Just came back."
She raised a brow, checking her watch. "That was quick. Where'd you go?"
"Usual route. Just normally takes longer with Amada," I explained, airing out my shirt. "I'm going to get changed then I'll help Robyn with dinner. Oh, can you tell her we have to try and make an extra burger, Amelia might be joining us." My words were as I walked up the stairs.
Ava nodded, "Will do."
After a few minutes, I got some impatient knocking from Estelle, demanding the use of the bathroom mirror. Once I cleaned my face, I gave her the bathroom and headed for the kitchen, in time to see Robyn chopping onions with oversized goggles covering her eyes and nose.
I paused at the sight of them, and then paused at the sight of Ava, who was sitting across from her at the kitchen counter, wearing a matching set. "Did I miss the memo or something?" I asked, getting a waft of onion scent as I entered the chopping station of the kitchen.
"Robyn feels silly wearing these things on her own," Ava informed, her voice nasally from the goggles.
"Did you have to use scuba masks?" I asked, checking what was still needed for burgers.
"They were the only ones we could find," Ava informed, "Besides, I think we look positively smashing." She struck a pose on her seat, as elegant as a model showing off sunglasses.
Robyn looked up, her chopping ceasing at the sight of her girlfriend's sudden pose. Amused, Ava signed the context. Robyn turned to me and signed, "We couldn't find any others!"
Ava and I laughed as I asked what I could do to help. Robyn pointed to some potatoes on the opposite bench, cleaned and ready for cutting up. I gave her the thumbs up and went to work, beginning the wedge cutting until:
"Mia!" Mrs Borski called, "Come back for your lesson now. You've had quite enough break time!"
Seconds later, the pianist waddled into the kitchen, adjusting her glasses as she scanned the room. "Is Mia in here?" she quizzed.
Ava shook her head, "No, Mrs Borski," she answered, "She isn't here."
"Oh dear," the old woman crowed, "Then I haven't the faintest idea where she's wandered off to. She told me she wanted to have a break to have some water. I haven't seen her for nearly ten minutes."
Ava frowned, groaning as she arched her back, "Oh dear." I shared a similar reaction to Ava, and I assumed we had the same idea; Mia had gone to hang out with Bonnie and her friends, again.
"She really needs to stop doing that," Ava stated, standing from her chair to explain the situation to Mrs Borski. I agreed with her as I abandoned my prep station to search the house for her.
Like we expected, she wasn't here. Neither Estelle, Amia or Alexis had seen her in the past hour.
By the time I had returned to the kitchen, Ava was doing the potatoes, and Mrs Borski was nowhere to be seen. "I sent her home," Ava informed, "No sense in wasting her time further. She gets to catch an earlier bus this way." Like Robyn, Ava was rather skilled with a knife as she made quick work of the potatoes. "Any chance you could go get Mia?" Ava queried, "We really don't need another sisterly argument tonight. They're already in a weird spot."
I nodded, "Yeah. I'm on it. I know the girls were headed for Windmill Lake, so hopefully, it won't take too long to find them," I informed, "Start dinner without me if I'm not back in time, and text me if Mia comes back, I'm taking my bike." The last bits of my sentence was yelled as I walked down the hallway towards the backdoor.
As I was out on the road, I was trying to call Bonnie, knowing she had her phone on her, but each time it went to voicemail. "Now's really not a good time to ignore me…" I murmured hanging up and pocketing my phone. I wasn't in a great rush to make it to them, so I enjoyed my little bike ride into town. By this point, a lot of people knew my face, and many offered me smiles and waves as I went past.
As I started to roll down a hill, I had an idea. I flicked through the contacts of my phone and found Garcia in my phone, one of the girls I knew Amelia and Bonnie hung out with regularly. Within five rings, she answered, "Landon?"
"Hey Garcia, how's it going?" I asked, swerving around a mother and daughter strolling down the road.
We had small chitchat before I brought up the subject of Bonnie and Mia. "So, I'm on my way to you guys now because we think Mia is trying to partake in your little get together again," I informed, "Can you let me know what part of the lake you guys are at? It'll be easier to keep an eye out for her that."
There was a long pause before she answered, "Lake? What're you talking about?"
I hit the breaks on my bike, kicking up a cloud of dust behind me as I held the phone tighter to my ear, "Bonnie and Amelia said they were going to the lake to hang out with you guys," I informed.
Garcia paused again, "No. We didn't have any plans for today," she corrected herself, "Well we did, but Penny got rung into a dinner date with her parents and their bosses, and Scarlett and Carman are on a double-date. We all bailed on the plan."
I shook my head, "No, no Amelia didn't say anything about that."
There was another pause, only filled when Garcia swore and said she'd call me back.
*
I don't know why but I just wanted to hurt her, to satisfy this hatred resting in the pit of my stomach.
I felt heavy, somewhat dizzy, but I felt the hot, bubbling sensation resting in my stomach as Bonnie got in front of me.
"I always like coming out here when the sun goes down," she said. I struggled to focus on what was before more, managing to look out to the water, note that it was very shimmery and bright in the setting sunlight. We were standing at the top of a hill, next to a windmill, and close to the edge of the water. The consistent droning beside us wasn't helping my focus.
When I didn't say anything, Bonnie spoke again, "When are the other girls coming? Do you know?"
I stepped forwards, reaching and clutching the handles of her wheelchair so she couldn't roll away.
Why didn't I want her to roll away?
"Your life is just so perfect," I spat.
There was a pause, and she spoke, "Pardon?"
I don't know where these words were coming from, where this sudden loathing came from, but it felt good to act on it, it felt good to feel it. "You've got the looks, the money, the prestige," I listed. My hands turned white from how tightly I held her chair. "And you've got the sympathy of being in a freaking wheelchair. No one can touch you."
The girl held onto the armrests of her chair, her posture straightening as she looked forward. "Oh?"
I reached forwards and, with as much force as I could muster, pushed the break as far as it would go. I wondered how scared she was, how scary I was.
"Everything just comes so easy to you." I spoke with a weird, toneless voice, not quite reflecting how I was feeling, but it intensified it, "You're family, your friends, your boyfriend."
The girl in the chair didn't say anything, or I didn't hear her say anything. I stared at her mouth, and it didn't move, and beyond the continued droning of the windmill, I couldn't hear anything. Was I even speaking aloud?
"You have everything handed to you," I murmured. I managed to put this anger into thoughts, slow thoughts. It started when I had seen them together, standing in the doorway. Were they flirting? Right in front of me? Why would Landon be with a girl that was so horrible to people? So rude for no reason? Who wears nothing but a mask?
"You've got nothing to work for. Nothing to prove yourself to because you are nothing, like the rest of us. Why is everything so easy for you? Why is everything handed to someone so horrible?"
And still Bonnie said nothing?
"Since the start of the school year, you could just run away from your problems, you and everyone from the Disability Ward." I pulled out a box cutter, and slowly clicked the blade further out until it gleamed in the light. I could feel it in my hand, but it was like I was watching someone else do it, someone else was holding it out to…
Holding it out to Bonnie.
"Well try and run away from this."
I didn't know what I wanted to do, how far I planned on going with this. On one level I wanted to disfigure her pretty face, cut off her hair, make her as ugly on the outside as we all knew she was on the inside, make sure no one can fall for that sweet disabled girl mask again. I wanted to get rid of the mask.
With both hands she snatched my wrist with the box cutter and yanked me forwards by the arm, surprising me with her strength as I was forced forwards, only to strike me in the middle of my face with her elbow. The blow was more then I expected as I stumbled backwards, dropping my box cutters. I laid there stunned for a moment, my head feeling weird as I sat up, red droplets falling down my front.
I tried to focus on the drone of the windmill for a second, but it morphed into noise.
I pressed my hand against my nose, confused when more red came off on my hand.
Behind me, I could hear someone breathing. I blinked, watching a figure in a chair become frantic. Bonnie? Her calmness before was nothing more than another one of her fake masks.
The more I blinked, the more I saw. She was pulling at her break, trying to loosen the tension in her wheels she could roll away, run away from me.
With somewhat blurry eyes, I managed to sit up, finding the box cutters by feel alone. By the time I got them, Bonnie had unhooked the break, but in her attempts to flee, she started rolling down the hill and somehow flipped her wheelchair, momentum sending her sideways as she and the chair crashed two-thirds of the way down the hill. She yowled in sudden pain as she laid face down on the grass and punched it, her chair a few meters to her left, her legs useless.
She couldn't get away.
My legs led the way I as I went down the hill as she tried to crawl, getting up on her elbows and trying to make it to the pathway. But I already knew, there's no one in sight of us. And even if she called out, the windmill's drone was too loud, no one would hear us.
She was at my feet.
I kicked her in the gut, the momentum sending her to the side and coughing, my second strike made her upper body curl around me.
Bonnie fought back more then I expected, when I straddled her hands and arms struck my stomach and slapped away my arm. I expected insults, swearing, demeaning comments of some kind, but she gritted her teeth, her eyes stung with tears of fright as she fought me off, only occasionally screeching a yell for help.
Eventually, I pushed past her arm, pinning one with one hand and the either with the ball of my knee by her side. When I pressed the box cutter to her neck, every whimper, every yell, every little peep she made stopped. Her eyes grew wide, so wide I could see someone reflect against them.
What colour were her eyes? They were brown.
Was that me in her eyes?
Despite having her at knifepoint, I could feel her arms pulling against my restrictions.
The more I stared at her eyes, the stronger the heartbeat in my ears throbbed. I thought she feared me, but there was a fury in her eyes? An annoyance? Her heavy breathing was not panic but frustration, her tears were out of anger not fright?
"Why aren't you scared of me?" I eventually asked, pressing the knife harder against her throat. A small line of red formed under the sharp edge and dripped around her neck. I wanted to push harder.
Bonnie's mouth remained clamped shut, her eye looking upwards to the sky. I slowly followed her eye to the sky. Blue? Purple? Orange?
Bonnie released a gag. When I looked back down, I had pressed the blade harder against her neck. Eventually, she managed to choke a word I could understand, "Amelia…"
My name?
My name.
Something struck me from the side, something of considerable size but not much weight. Whatever it was, it pushed me off Bonnie and crashed on top of me when I hit the ground. When I composed myself, I saw it was that little blonde girl, the one who always followed Bonnie around.
The little girl managed to get to her feet, quickly pulling the blade from my hand in my confusion. She tossed it immediately, throwing it into the shallow of the lake. Ignoring me, she looked around, found the chair and ran over to it to push it upright, Bonnie was saying something, instructing something.
It was both easy and hard to get to my feet. Everything felt weirdly light as I looked around, but my limbs and feet felt heavy. When I looked down at my hands, I saw they were tight fists.
As the blonde girl managed to upright the chair, I shoved her to the ground, despite her ability to use her legs she was easier to weigh down then Bonnie. I started hitting her, trying to incapacitate her so she couldn't run off and get help or disrupt my attack again. She covered her head from my strikes, like Bonnie barely saying a word in response to me, or at least ones I could understand. This made me angrier, this made me just want to hit her more, to fuel it more.
Unlike Bonnie, she was quicker to start crying and more frantic with her attacks. But being so little they were nothing more than violent brushes against my arms.
All the while, Bonnie was behind me shrieking something at me. I managed to turn and look, to make sure it was Bonnie. In a single moment of distraction, the girl below me got past my arms and latched onto my likely nose, the motion sending tears streaming down my cheeks.
I pulled away, giving Mia the chance to get out from under me and try to flee. Blindly, I caught her leg, and she hit the ground, managing to crawl a few feet before I caught her again.
We were by the water's edge, and, without even thinking, I grabbed a fistful of her hair and shoved it under the water surface. Mia threw her arms and legs around, sending waves of water splashing around us and soaking my clothes.
Everything slowed down, and there was a split moment where I was amazed, I was doing this. I needed her to stop, or she'd go tell on me.
All at once, I heard: "No! Leave her alone!" Bonnie screeched, trying to hastily crawl towards me.
The girl scratched at my hands, tried to pry my fingers from her hair, but she was too weak, too small. I barely felt a thing.
Eventually, her motions became sloppy, slow, until they ultimately stopped struggling altogether.
Bonnie's yelling turned to stunned breathing, shaky whimpering, and eventually sobbing behind me.
I rose from the small body, my skirt heavier then I thought it would be as I looked around for my box cutter. Bonnie was too busy to say anything to me, hanging her head and crying so hard her tears dripped from her face onto the grass.
That other girl shouldn't have gotten in my way.
I didn't plan on killing anyone.
I weighed the box cutter in my hand and went to continue what I was trying to do in the first place, but in the last moment, I saw something move in the corner of my eye, a blur. Before I could turn my head, something rammed me, knocking me off my feet. When I hit the ground, I felt I was unable to breathe.
I coughed, my eyes blurry again as my hearing continued to muffle. A figure stood over me for a second before running over to a now hysterical Bonnie, squatting down to them and asking if they were okay.
"Landon…?" I breathed, watching him try to check Bonnie's neck before Bonnie pointed to the little girl. "No… don't fall for it…" My head was hurting so much, everything was throbbing in and out of focus. One second, he was with Bonnie, the next he had pulled the motionless body from the water and placing her on the ground. "Landon…" I pressed my forehead against the ground as I tried to get up, but everything suddenly started hurting.
Landon was fussing over Mia, pressing an ear against her mouth before pushing against her chest. Everything kept going black, the next thing I knew Landon was consoling Bonnie while two other adults continued CPR on Mia.
Bonnie was clutching onto his arm, Landon holding her like he was holding her back, but what use was that? It's not like she could run to her.
Why was he with her?
Why?
A man and woman rolled me over, shining a light in my eye and trying to speak to me. But I could barely hear them, I didn't want to look at them, I tried to look at Landon. That feeling of hatred slowly fading, replaced by a sudden, deep sadness.