Heuristic: enabling a person to discover something for themselves.
*
My Mother and Father had some choice words when the hospital called them. Amongst their words of worry, my Mother voiced her colourful opinion of those men. Since neither were in the country, I was discharged from the hospital well into the evening after a series of emails discussing the legality of a few things.
My heart issue was believed to be caused by the sudden temperature difference of hot air and cold water, and likely from such a stressful event.
Zietta sent a car for me.
I sat in silence, for the most part, staring at the floor as my hands ran over the new pill bottle I had to add to my collection, with yet another combination of words I could scarcely understand.
Night time had settled by now, making the walk from the front counter to the dorm a dark and slow one. When I breathed in the cold air, my chest seemed to tingle, recalling the unfortunate feeling I had endured hours ago.
I still felt sick. Sick with guilt, worry, terror. The muscles in my arms and legs ached from how tense I felt. For the past few hours damning thoughts lingered in my head, how could I let this happen? Why did I let this happen?
I knocked on the front door as these thoughts buzzed around my head. On my second knock, the door opened, Alexis standing in the doorway as she sniffed the air. I didn't need to tell her it was me. Her eyes welled with tears as she reached forward and hugged me, against my neck I could feel how tightly she clenched her jaw. I embraced her, pleading with myself not to tremble as I pulled her close. After a while of silence, she lifted her head and spoke, "Thank God you're okay." She pressed her forehead against mine; her eyes closed as her tears dripped down her cheeks.
I didn't know how to answer, so only offered a gently wipe across her cheeks.
Everyone was still here. After contacting everyone's parents, some were understandably choosing to blame me while the others put more blame on the men, everyone decided to stay for the rest of the holiday at the resort. Almost everyone was in the living room of the house, like our own in the dorm four lounges were bordering a lit fireplace. However, there were also some bookcases lining the walls and an elegant looking chess set and table occupied by the twins, half-heartedly playing a game.
When we entered the living room, everyone there lifted their heads. At first, we got silence, likely none of us sure what to say, or if there was anything worth saying.
Mia ran up to me and hugged my waist, her small hands scrunching handfuls of my shirt. She pulled away and started drawing in my hand; I noticed the hand with the shell gash had a thick bandage over it. At first, I didn't understand what she was doing as she seemed to trace shapes into my hand, quickly, I noticed they were letters.
S-O-R-R-Y
I dropped one of my knees as I held her hand and forced a smile, "You have nothing to be sorry about," I said, "If anything, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let any of this happen."
"It wasn't your fault," Estelle croaked. I hardly noticed her curled up on the edge of the lounge, her body encased in a thick blanket, covering her head and her front so I could only see her face.
I shook my head, "No. I'm your guard, and I should've been more careful."
"You're our Dorm Guard," Ava's voice rang out, her voice more even then Estelle's. "You don't have any responsibility to us outside of school." She was lying on Robyn's lap as she ran her fingers through Ava's hair. "Are you okay?" she sat up, "You were the only one who went to the hospital."
I blinked, "I thought I saw those men go in an ambulance."
"We don't care about them, Landon," Ava answered, "What was wrong?"
I pondered how to phrase this, but everyone sounded on edge, Ava's expression was hardened, almost angry, while everyone else, Robyn, the twins, Estelle, had a deer in the headlights look, each in a state of shock. I didn't want to worry them any more than they already were. "I didn't feel too well," I informed, "They suspect I got whiplashed when I jumped into the water. I got told ice packs and rest." I looked around the room, "Where's Bonnie?" She wasn't in the room.
"She locked herself in her room," Amia mumbled, knocking over Amada's pawn.
"She hasn't been out all afternoon," Amada added in a similar tone.
I noticed something amongst the five, they each gave cautious glances at Estelle, periodically staring at the blanket she had draped over her. "Is everyone else okay?" I asked. I had never felt a room glare at me quicker than that moment. I cleared my throat and tried again, "I mean considering the circumstances of course."
Ava hopped over the lounge and playfully punched me on the arm. She tried to hide a wince, but the twitch in her cheek gave it away. Before I could ask, I felt someone's presence behind me. I turned and saw a snobbish looking butler standing in the doorway, his posture impeccable and his nasal voice matching his black-and-white uniform, "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."
With that, he left.
His announcement got everyone to their feet and file out of the cozy living room to the dining area. Everyone sat down silently, either staring down at the silver cutlery laid out for us or their eyes wandering around the décor of the walls.
I felt a lump forming in my throat seeing everyone in such a state, and I silently prayed someone would try to ease the mood, try to talk or crack a joke, anything. I looked at Estelle across from me, hoping maybe she would try to lighten the mood, but her spirit was just as sombre as everyone else's as she lolled her head back and forth, staring at the ceiling.
"The air seems stuffy," Amada declared, his mood significantly brighter than everyone else's; he seemed more alert than the others. His attempts were in vain, as everyone either stayed silent or offered a mumble of agreement.
Cutting through the quiet, the slight creak of a wheelchair squeaked in the air. Bonnie appeared in the doorway, unlike everyone else she held her chin high and rolled her shoulders back as she moved the wheelchair towards the dining table, parking beside Mia, who offered the smallest of smiles to her sister before returning to her gaze to everyone's faces. Her faces caught my attention, her nose twitching as she tried to frown, but ended up sucking in her cheeks, her face returning to its blank slate.
Bonnie blinked as she looked down the table. "Hey everyone," she greeted.
Only the twins voiced an acknowledgment, everyone else offering a tic of a smile before dropping their gaze.
"It's kinda tense, huh?" Amada stated weakly.
"Amada…" his sister elbowed him, offering a shake of the head and a fierce glare that sent a chill down my spine.
While that happened, the butlers were placing platters of bread rolls on the table, ignoring the conversations that followed. Bonnie rolled her eyes as she reached for some bread, ripping it apart in her lap as she fitted small bits in her mouth. She was the only one eager enough to eat, while everyone else grabbed their rolls with less enthusiasm, Robyn struggling to swallow her food.
The silence followed as the other dishes of food came out. Plates of steaming delicacies displayed before us like some strange art piece, each a different colour and scented with mouth-watering flavours. Despite this effect, I didn't feel overly compelled to eat, nearly no one at the table reaching for dinner straight away.
A thin line formed on Bonnie's face as she rolled the wheelchair closer to the table and reached for some of the food, snatching some crab legs and salad that was directly in front of her. I watched Mia stand on her chair to reach to a pitcher of milk, Ava eventually halting her, "I'll get it, sweetie." She picked up the pitcher and poured Mia a cup, when she was done she poured the twins a cup and Robyn one, by the time she had filled her cup the pitcher was empty. A butler quickly took it off her when the final drop dripped out.
"You want anything?" I asked Alexis, scooping a small portion of potato bake onto my plate.
Alexis gulped, almost appearing sick herself, "I think I can smell pork…"
I looked across the table and eventually saw some meatballs, the only thing I could guess was pork. I served her some, watching as she fitted one into her cheek.
By now, everyone had started placing things on their plates, the only verbal interaction requesting to pass things or a word of thanks. Cutting through the small talk was the loud cracks of Bonnie snapping the joints of her crab legs, pulling out the meat to munch on hungrily.
"Are we gonna talk about what happened today?" Amia suddenly blurted out. Amada responded with an elbow, nudging her side from the sudden outburst, but she dismissed his attempt. "I mean… we're obviously not okay."
"I'm fine," Bonnie answered, fitting another mouthful of crab in her mouth.
"Of course, you would be fine…" Ava muttered.
Bonnie scoffed midway through her bite. "I thought you weren't talking to me anymore," she mocked, eating the rest of her crab leg.
"Trust me, I don't want to," Ava spat, sipping her water.
Bonnie rolled her eyes, placing the crab shell on her plate.
There was a pause in the conversation, but Ava slammed her cup down on the table, sending an earsplitting noise across the table. I thought she had shattered her cup. "What the hell did you do on that Platform, Bonnie?" she snapped. Robyn grabbed Ava's forearm but was shaken off, "And everyone's told me their stories, so you better not go making some crap up."
Bonnie scoffed in disbelief, "Seriously? I stood up for myself, what I did was try to help."
"What you did was stupid and reckless!" Ava snapped, standing and leaning over the table. Her cheeks flushed, and her eyes were full of rage.
"You weren't even there!" Bonnie yelled.
I widened my eyes, unsure what was going on. "Wait, what are we arguing about?"
"Bonnie taunted the men who attacked us," Amada informed.
Bonnie shot him a dark look. "Way to snitch, chicken." Amada sunk down his chair. "And I didn't taunt them; I just told them to go away."
"After antagonising and insulting them," Amia snapped, her anger bubbling to the service.
"Was anything I said untrue?" Bonnie snapped.
"That's not the point, Bonnie," Ava countered, "It wasn't just you that was up there today, all of you were."
Bonnie pushed off the table, sending her chair back slightly as she adopted an exasperated look, "You're joking. What, are you blaming me for what they did?"
"Of course not," Ava's voice managed to soften, but the quelled anger was still in her eye, only wavering when she tried to say, "It's just given your position, everyone's position, it doesn't help to go insulting a bunch of large, drunk men."
Bonnie's mouth hung agape. "'Given my position.'"
I leant over to Alexis, "What happened?"
Alexis pressed her napkin to her face, looking slightly annoyed but kept it to herself. "Ava had everyone explain what happened," she informed under her breath, "The men followed them up there, and Bonnie made an off-handed joke about the way they walked. One of them took the comment to heart and started taunting her back while his friends started hitting on the others." She pressed her lips to her glass, "God I wish this alcohol."
"Bonnie, you use a wheelchair. You can't go around insulting drunk men, stuff like this might happen," Ava informed. Robyn was tugging on her sleeve, prompting Ava to lower her voice.
"None of you should go around doing that. It's not safe, and it's certainly not fair on myself or Landon-"
"Oh, boo-hoo. I'm sorry, I didn't know this incident was going to be all about you," Bonnie countered.
Ava shook her head, "It's not."
"Then what do you expect I do? Learn karate or self-defence of something stupid like that? How do you expect me to learn anything like that?" Bonnie was replacing Ava's raised voice.
I watched as Ava's hands scrunched into fists, grabbing hold of the white tablecloth and dragging everything an inch closer to her. I wanted to object, to chime in with something, but I didn't know what to say or if I should say anything. As I looked at everyone's faces, they all agreed with Ava in this argument, even Mia, but none seemed brave enough to speak out.
Ava seemed perplexed by Bonnie's last statement, "That almost proves my point, Bon."
Bonnie slammed her hands on the table, using her arms to make herself taller as she lifted herself off her chair, "I'm not helpless, Ava, and I refuse to admit I did anything wrong!" She threw herself back onto her chair, crossing her arms, taking on her pouty expression as she turned her head away from Ava.
I watched Ava's arms tremble, everything from the waist up tensed including her jaw, her neck and her shoulders. Despite her sudden shift in body language, her voice was eerily calm, "You worried a lot of people in pulling that stunt, Bonnie," she informed slowly, "You antagonised him-"
"You weren't there Ava!" Bonnie yelled, "And so what if I did? Was I supposed to let him do whatever he wanted to us without protest? We have a right not to feel scared on a stupid Platform! He groped Estelle for Christ's sake!"
This new information formed an icy lump in my stomach, spreading to my veins and making me shiver and feel sick.
Estelle's chair screeched by her sudden rise, her hands braced on the table, her blonde hair cast over her face, and deep scratches in the floor. Her sudden movement startled everyone, beneath the shadow of her hair. Her lips quivered as she was fighting tears. In a fleetingly sad moment, Estelle flicked her hair from her eyes, lifting her chin in a forced prideful way as she said in a smooth voice, "I'm going to bed. Excuse me."
"Star…" Amia attempted.
Estelle forced a smile as she sniffed, touching her nose with her emerald napkin before placing it on her plate. "I'll be fine," she weakly assured before walking from the room, her chin still raised, and her shoulders slumped back to maintain her glowing posture as she disappeared down the hallway.
Ava shook her head and sat back down, resting her head on her hand as she made an elongated sigh. Robyn gently patted her on the back, looking around uncertainly at the table.
Alexis sighed, taking her napkin and placing it on her plate. "I think I'm done for the evening," she informed standing, "This whole day is something we all need to put behind us. It's happened and scolding each other isn't going to take away the severity of it." I had never heard Alexis with such a mature tone, at this moment she reflected her status as the eldest. "Bonnie, you may think we're trying to attack you, but we were all worried about you. I still am."
Unlike with Ava, Bonnie didn't seem confident enough to object to Alexis' even-toned claim, opting to look down at her plate with a sour expression.
Alexis reached a hand out to me, touching my shoulder, "I'm going to bed."
I placed my hand over hers as she walked around me, using her hand to brace herself against any corners and the doorframe, before disappearing.
Taking the cue, everyone started rising from their seats, the twins saying goodnight to Bonnie with a light kiss on the cheek before leaving. Robyn responded similarly, making a goodnight gesture before following. Mia had dismounted her chair and leaned on Bonnie's right wheelchair arm, biting the inside of her cheeks and her lips periodically out of nervousness as Ava stood on her other side, arms crossed.
Ava sighed through her nose, looking from Mia to Bonnie, as she gravely said, "Bonnie… I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming you, I'm not." Her voice sounded sad, like Bonnie, her eyes were weighed down to the floor. "But do you even know what Mia did? What she tried to do when that man threw you over?" Almost on instinct, I watched her reach to her chin and scratch at a band-aid stuck to it. "It's not just you I have to think about…" she confessed, she reached a handout, I expected to provide a comforting touch, but halfway through decided against it, dropping her hand back to her side. "I'm glad you're okay, Bon."
Bonnie made a shallow scoff, turning her head away from Ava, almost in disgust. Her eyes caught sight of Mia, who was fiddling with the stitching in the old wheelchair.
I knew Mia was a smart little girl, but watching her absently playing with the loose string, choosing to ignore the conversation around her, she looked like a naïve child, unaware as to what she almost did a few hours ago. Her façade distracted Bonnie for a moment, and I watched her mask crack, showing a second regret.
"Come on, Mia," Ava urged reaching a hand out for Mia to take.
A little too quickly, Mia took Ava's hand and left the dining hall. It was now just Bonnie and me.
Bonnie seemed physically annoyed, crinkling her nose to blink away whatever tears of frustration were forming.
I made a faint sigh through my nose as I rose from my seat, forgetting my napkin on my lap as it fell to the floor, and walked around the long dining table to Bonnie. "Am I gonna get crap from you too?" she spat, scratching under her eyes.
I ignored her question. "Do you want me to take you to your room?" I offered.
I could almost hear Bonnie's teeth grinding. "Everyone hates me," she commented. I took hold of the handles, noticing resistance in the wheelchair as I rolled it away from the dining table. "Look, I am sorry that I got everyone worried, but I can take care of myself." I made it to the doorway and looked down the hallway beside the stairs, recalling Bonnie's room was on the ground floor.
I took Bonnie to her room, upon opening the door I saw Mia wasn't there. Like my own, Bonnie's room was needlessly large, but they had two beds pushed against the wall on the left and a sitting space before a brick fireplace to the right. At night, the room cast shadows, providing a gloomy atmosphere as the only light was from the moon through the windows. I rolled Bonnie to the centre of the room. "Do you think what I did was wrong?" Bonnie asked, looking up at me.
I didn't know what to feel, or how to feel. On the one hand, I felt like guilt was strangling me for letting this happen, and on the other, I felt angry, but I couldn't understand what at. Bonnie? Those men? Myself? Mia? Ava? I could appreciate Bonnie's feelings. If it were me insults would be the last thing I threw at them, but that was the weird thing, I could have done something about it if I were there. Bonnie physically couldn't. I was trapped in the middle of the two arguments, unsure which was the correct one, or if there ever was one.
However, at the moment, my worry overtook my guilt and anger, and I felt I needed to do something about it.
"Say something!" Bonnie pleaded, turning in her chair. I was holding the handles of her wheelchair with a tighter grip then I thought, her words pulling me from my thoughts.
"Goodnight, Bonnie." My fingers released the handles with stiff objections as I turned to leave her.
"Landon, wait!" I heard Bonnie struggle to turn her chair, the temporary one she got given was not as fluent or free-moving as her other one, which was still in the ocean. "It's not wrong… that I shouldn't have expected something like that to happen." She seemed to relax with a sigh as she said, "I'm… I'm sorry that I caused you so much worry. I never thought it would get out of hand like that. So, thank you. I owe you one."
(I turned and leaned over her chair, one hand on each armrest, and towered over her. While she leaned back, she didn't seem scared of me. "You know, if you want to, you could pay me back with your body."
My statement lingered in the air, causing the smallest of delayed reactions in Bonnie, who tilted her head and muttered, "Pardon?"
In one swift movement, the two of us were lying on the bed, Bonnie on her back looking up at me. I had one hand either side of her head, pinning her down with my presence alone. She was smaller beneath me, and with the cast of the moonshine had an almost unnatural beauty about her like the first time I met her when she was stuck on the hills at Windmill Lake. Her eyes had a soft expression, but she seemed perplexed beneath me, arms resting either side of her head loosely, in a state of vulnerability.
I wanted to scare her, to demonstrate the extreme of my point, how ignorant she was being at believing either of us was on the same level, the same ability.
I maintained my resolve. "You should rethink your gullibility. That things have nothing to do with a person being a boy or a girl, or able or disabled." I made my voice even, still staring down at her, "You've made the mistake of leaving yourself open." My hands scrunched handfuls of the blanket either side of her, but she didn't even flinch. She didn't seem frightened by my presence, upset or concerned by how close I was, by what I could do if I wanted to, she appeared almost absent, pensively looking at me with her gentle stare.
"You won't do it, Landon," she said matter-of-factly. My grip on the sheets loosened around her, and she continued, "I mean, there isn't anything to be gained by getting into it with me, right?"
The potential naivety of Bonnie's word forced the smallest of smiles from me, her final words hanging between the two of us as we just stared at one another. My thoughts wandered in the silence, until the loudest one reminded me of how much Bonnie reminded me of my sisters, how brave, how vulnerable, how desperate they were to seem normal.
I agreed, "True enough." I pushed myself up and sat at the end of her bed, running my fingers through my hair while the bed shifted as she sat up.
"Interesting tactic," Bonnie commented, her hair shadowing her face, covering the strangest smirk on her face until she tucked some of her black locks behind her ears. "But if you wanted me to believe that, you need to be far more aggressive."
I raised an eyebrow, "I picked you up from that wheelchair to this bed, how is that not aggressive?"
Bonnie adjusted her legs, so she was almost kneeling. "You're too passive, and nice, to even consider doing something like that. As I said, you wouldn't gain anything from it.")
She sniffed, before adding, "I am sorry, Landon."
I reached a hand out and took hers in mine, holding onto her fingertips and running my thumb over her knuckles. "Don't say sorry if you don't understand what you're apologising for," I started, "You probably think that Ava and the twins or whoever had a go at you because you stood up for yourself, but no one is having a go at you. Everyone was just terrified by how reckless you acted, how angry, how stubborn you are." Despite my words, Bonnie didn't take back her hand, just listened to me. "Whether you like it or not Bonnie, you're a girl in a wheelchair. You are disabled, people, whether you like it or not, can and will take advantage of that. It's horrible, but it's true."
Bonnie turned her head away from me, but I could see her jaw shaking and the struggled attempt to swallow a lump in her throat. "You've got to let us help you, to trust us that will help you."
"Where did everyone's help go today?" Bonnie asked, sniffing, "Everyone completely froze up there, Landon. What else could I do?"
"And I don't know if you know this, but Mia jumped off the Platform after you today." Bonnie's head flicked back to face me, tear streaks running down her cheeks and her eyes wide with surprise. "Ava caught her, almost falling off herself." Bonnie used her free hand to wipe her eyes and cheeks. "It's unfair, I know, but it's reality," I assured, "Shitty reality."
I managed to make Bonnie smile as she took her other hand and used both to rub her face. She sighed through her nose, hands still pressed against her cheeks, "I… I just don't want to be helpless."
I shifted closer and placed a hand on her back, gently patting her. I wanted to tell her she wasn't helpless, that she was strong, she was wonderfully stubborn, deliberately cocky, bright, intelligent, so many beautiful things and above all incredibly naïve, but I didn't know how to say them to her in a way she would believe me, in a way that wouldn't make me sound like a hypocrite.
I ended up saying, "Bonnie are you okay?"
She didn't answer right away, but when she moved it was slow. Bonnie turned to me, reaching her hands out and wrapping herself around my shoulders, clinging to me like a small child, and trembled while she silently sobbed.
Tears can mean so many things, happiness, sadness, fear, frustration and even relief. At times, I couldn't ever tell the difference between them, but at this moment, Bonnie wept in a delayed sense of terror, unable to voice it until her trembling voice managed; "I was scared…" Her arms tightened around me, hearing her cry sending a painful hallow feeling within me as I embraced her. "I'm scared."