As Guanyin, my world view, value, and view of life are free from corruption. I want to roast this thing but there are too many points I can pick at that I don't know where I should start.
I say to Manjusri and Samantabhadra: 'Well, not all men in the world like women. This idea will not work at all. Think about this: if we try hard to test them and then we find out that they don't like women, isn't that our omission? Since they are already the designated people, even if they are not sincere, but they have been through half of the way, can we replace them now?'
After my words, everyone is silent for a while. We look at each other but no one wants to start talking.
Then, Samantabhadra says: 'I think Guanyin is right.'
Manjusri snorts: 'So what? Do you think Lishan Mother is someone reasonable?'
Then again, Manjusri says slowly: 'Guanyin bodhisattva, I think this idea cannot help three of us get out of the sufferings.'
We used to think that we were the ones to help others get out of the sufferings. We didn't expect today when we are already deities. This is really a cause-and-effect. The Dao will never miss one being.
I have complained about it many times in the past that how can we not have any female deity in our Western Paradise where we chat about gender equality and they even ordered me to cross-dress to cheat the believers.
Later, I thought about it. It cannot be more reasonable for Western Paradise to have no females—because the dresses we offer here are not pretty at all. No female deities want to join our Western Paradise and enlighten humans wearing an ugly dress. They all hop to Heaven to wear the beautiful Xian dresses.
This is the only difference between females and males here. Males think that Xian is Xian. No matter what Xian wears, Xian will look good. Whatever we wear will be the standard Xian aesthetics.
Unexpectedly, our aesthetics is too straight that any powerful female deities are not willing to work for Western Paradise and when the situation got emergent, we could only use men to act like women!
I have suggested to Buddha a long time ago that we should change our overall attire to a better looking one, but he rejected it. He said that as Buddhists we needed to have a high level of ideology to realize that everything is the same although they have different physical appearances. All humans are just skeletons with pinkish red covers. They will age and become ugly anyway. If they don't have such awareness and instead favor pretty things, then they are not qualified to be a Buddhist.
Although his idea seems to be right, who will believe in an ugly yokai if you are going to preach?! At the end, we still compromised that we needed to clean our attires. I feel that Buddha is too obsessed with ideology and our Western Paradise has lost too many opportunities. Also, there is nothing wrong with favoring pretty things. Isn't it a virtue to favor pretty things? Those female deities aren't judging others based on appearance, but they just want themselves to look clean and pretty. Why is this a problem?
In conclusion, because his ideology is too straight, there is never enough labor force in Western Paradise and I have to sacrifice myself to replace those female deities who are not willing to come to Western Paradise to work and preach on Earth wearing a dress. When I began to do that, Buddha said nothing.
Three of us are getting together and worry for the thing of acting as women. Lishan Mother comes back to check us after she finishes constructing the villa and the farmlands. She sees that we are not practicing how to act as women at all and says: 'Manjusri, Samantabhadra, you both are bodhisattva but how come you don't know the behaviors of beings? Look at you. Although you have transformed into a woman with woman's clothes on, your actions or words doesn't look feminine at all. This will not work.'
Manjusri says: 'Since I arrived at Western Paradise, it has been several hundreds of years without seeing any female human. Even if I saw one female, it would be a female deity. I didn't see any females from Earth.'
Lishan Mother points at me and says: 'Look at Guanyin bodhisattva. He can act as a woman, superb flawlessly.'
I: '...'
Samantabhadra says: 'Lishan Mother, I and the Golden Cicada know each other. No matter how hard you try to persuade me, I cannot seduce him. Please change my target person.'
Lishan Mother: 'Fine, I will deal with Xuan Zang. Except for the Xuan Zang monk, the hardest one to see through is Sun Wukong. Guanyin bodhisattva, you are the strongest here and he is your target.'
I: '...'
I prefer to die.
Yes, I save and enlighten beings in the world, but it shouldn't be in this way.
I press down my impulsion of shouting abuse and try to use a vernal tune to say words one after one to Lishan Mother: 'Sun Wukong, is a monkey.'
You asked me to act as a woman to seduce him! Why don't you just catch a female monkey to do this!?
I thought I had enough reasons. Who knows that Lishan Mother confidently and seriously says: 'Guanyin bodhisattva, do not be picky. Work hard.'
...?
How am I picky?
This is already a cross-species thing!
You asked a man to act as a women to seduce a monkey. This is no different from asking a male monkey to act as a female monkey to seduce a man.
If this works, then I cannot imagine how great that love story will be. They shall not be the labor of scriptures. They shall promote species equality and cross-species love.
Obviously, Samantabhadra thinks my words are right so he backs me up: 'I think Guanyin's words are very convincing.'
Who knows that before I can be happy for his support, he says: 'Why don't we ask Guanyin bodhisattva to be a female monkey to try? This will be more realistic.'
...
I smile at Samantabhadra lovingly: 'Zhu Bajie is a male pig. Why don't you transform to a female pig?'
Samantabhadra: '...'
He stares at me for a while and then he says decisively: 'I have no thoughts. I will support Guanyin's idea anyway because his words are always right.'
Manjusri also says: 'I think Guanyin is right as well. I support his stand.'
Lishan Mother amiably looks at this temporary group of us. Then, she mildly says: 'Good. We have decided that Guanyin as a woman to seduce Sun Wukong. Samantabhadra gets Zhu Bajie. Manjusri gets Sha Wujing.'
...
What is the difference between this and the previous decision?
Lishan Mother says: 'I believe that this is an auspicious sign. Tathagata said that I was too dictating before. Now with Guanyin's suggestion, we finally have democracy and equality. This cannot be better!'
...
Then, she smiles amiably at us: 'Do you have any other suggestions? Just say them and we can talk about them.'
Immediately, there is no voice. No one even wants to echo.
Three of us are frozen here and the whinny of a horse comes from outside. On the tree shades, a white horse runs onto the mountain fast like thunder and Tang Sanzang on it is holding the halter tightly until the horse stops running.
Lishan Mother says: 'Hurry up! The Tang monk and his disciples are coming!'
Right after, she turns around and becomes a gracious woman. Although she doesn't look young, she still looks beautiful and sexy with the accessories on her hair and on her body. She orders us: 'You transform, so that the truth-seeing monkey cannot see your flaws.'
Manjusri says with a long face: 'How?'
Lishan Mother points at me and says: 'Look at Guanyin's face to transform. You can only look better than his look. I don't allow you to look less pretty than him. I want you to have curvy eyebrows, white teeth, pinkish cheeks, and smooth skin. You'd better wear a sexy dress and walk slowly and half step just like female humans do. Do you know how to twist your waist? I want you to have an unparalled beautiful face and attractive postures.'
She said a lot but Manjusri asked her confusedly: 'So, how?'
...
Why did you even talk about so many complex details to a straight man who has not seen any human women for hundreds of years?
Lishan Mother is hopeless at the comprehending ability of his, so she just says: 'Okay. Transform to a good-looking woman, like Guanyin.'
Samantabhadra and Manjusri take a tumble and transform. Although they look like pretty girls now, they are standing there with their original posture. They look like girls who are possessed by a monk spirit.
Lishan Mother sighs: 'Fine, fine. Stay behind and I will host them. If I don't call you out, none of you cannot show up!'
After that, she turns around and hurries to the outside.
Samantabhadra has transformed to a girl and he enquiringly stares at himself in the mirror for a while: 'Guanyin bodhisattva, I think it is very dangerous if we keep this form.'
I say blankly: '...Ah?'
Samantabhadra pats his sleeves and then picks up his dress, looking at himself in the mirror: 'I transform myself to be too pretty. I am afraid that I will fall in love with myself soon.'
...
After a while, he transforms again to another girl. He was a comely beauty with a pair of dewy eyes, silk-like hair resting on the shoulders. Now he changes to a sexy beauty with a pair of limpid eyes, peach-blossom-like cheeks. He cannot stop playing with transformations now.
After a while, he says to me: 'I probably have opened a strange gate to the new world. Ayyy.'
...
He is going to change again, I hurry to pull his sleeve and drag him to sit: 'Okay okay. Don't play with the transformation anymore. You may be seen through by that monkey. You know that he was burned for forty-nine days by Taishang Laojun in the furnace that his Eye-of-Truth is powerful. He may be able to see through our idolum.'
Three of us sit together but we don't have much to say. We look at each other quietly.
Then, Manjusri says suddenly: 'By the way, is your disciple Huian leaving you right?'
I am puzzled and was going to gloss it over. He says again: 'I heard that the Heavenly King Li wants him to resume a secular life. How does your negotiation go?'
I have never heard of such news, so I can only say: 'I did not know any of this. Please tell me more.'
Manjusri says: 'Li Jing has a total of three sons. All of them have joined Buddhism. He has no support in Heaven. Although his third son Nezha is working under him, they have enmity in between, so he wants Huian to learn spells from you and then go back to work in Heaven. Kill two birds with one stone! However, Huian has been by your side for too long and he has no connection in Heaven to help him and he needs to marry someone to solidify his position first. He has been picking in-law-relatives for a while now. How could you not know any of this?'
I say: 'It is not I didn't know any of this. Since his first son is a Dhammapala of Buddha, it is hard to get him back. He has only Huian left. When he sent Huian to me, he said that Huian would not be joining any conflicts. I knew this day would come but if he didn't say it, I have to act blind and deaf.'
Huian is different from his older brother. He is dronish by my side. He just sweeps the floor with his besom everyday. There is nothing really for him to do. Buddha told me that Huian was just here to get a piece of certificate and even though I raised him up for his father, he would have to go back to work for Heaven in the future.
Huian's background is so noble but with me he can just be a Xingzhe. The title of Xingzhe is embarrassing because even a monkey like Sun Wukong is a Xingzhe as well. When Sun Wukong meets people, he also calls himself "Sun Xingzhe", but I am afraid that he has never seen any Buddhist scriptures.
If Huian goes back with his father to Heaven, he can lead those thousands of ten thousands of Heavenly soldiers. He will be more prestigious than being a Xingzhe by my side.
However, he the Heavenly King Li has planned for everything for Huian. He has never asked if this is what Huian wants. Does he want to be a free deity on Earth? Does he want to stay in Heaven and worry about his life controlled by Jade Emperor? Does he want to just sweep the leaves in my Nanhai black bamboo grove for his whole life?
Manjusri says: 'Guanyin bodhisattva, why are you so kind? What does Li Jing think our Western Paradise is? Since his son has joined Buddhism, he shall never seek his son back! If I were you, I would for sure clear all his cultivation and then he could return to Heaven to work for his father!'
Samantabhadra was addicted to looking in the mirror and he senses that both of us are chatting, so he interrupts as well: 'Tathagata has said that this is a diplomatic problem. It is troublesome. Anyway, I cannot interfere. However, if you Guanyin one day go into an argument with the Heavenly King Li and you need someone to back you up, I can take everyone from my Mount Emei to support you.'
I am touched by his claims that I almost begin to cry.
Sure enough when any man puts on a woman's dress and acts like a woman, he will be much friendlier!
We are chatting and suddenly we hear a quarrel burst out in the outer room. Lishan Mother who is acting as a widow says: 'I have hundreds of mu of good farmlands. I also have fruit trees in the mountain. My villa has stored so many grains and silks that we can never have them all. If you marry into my family, you don't need to work as a laborer. Why do you not want to do that?'
Samantabhadra pops his head out to glance once and he hides back: 'What are they talking about?'
I say: 'She is acting as a rich beautiful widow saying that we have money and food and if these monks are willing to marry themselves to us to live with us.'
Manjusri is a little extreme: 'I think Lishan Mother's aim is to make them once bitten and twice shy. If they encounter such a good offer in the future, they will not dare to try it. They will be doubting if it is bodhisattva's test so that they will be turned off.'
Samantabhadra is mild. He peeps out and says: 'I thought Lishan Mother was bored so she was going to teach the Tang monk.'
Neither of them got it right like I did. I am sure she is doing this to make political contribution.
Samantabhadra feels shy since he is the only one still peeping so he asks me: 'Guanyin bodhisattva, don't you want to see them?'
I say: 'I don't. All of them are familiar with me. I am afraid I will be seen through. Just tell me what you see.'
Samantabhadra says: 'I have never seen the Golden Cicada being scared of someone, but when Lishan Mother says that she is going to marry him into the family, just look at how scared he is!'
I was going to see the Golden Cicada's face, but before I could stand up, a sudden coldness strikes me as if I was in the nether world's abyss. I am frozen, and I hear Xuan Zang speaking in my ears: 'Oh no, Guanyin sister, this old woman wants to marry us into her family when we ask for a stay!'
...
Why do you even want to tell me this? What do you want me to do? To save you from being married?
This calling ability was taught to you for emergency, not live streaming!
No, I have to talk to Tathagata after this is over. I can only handle one, Sun Wukong or the little monk. If I have to handle both, I shall die!
Lishan Mother says: 'Monks don't know how good a secular life can be. We have new clothes every spring, lotus in the summer, rice wine in the autumn, and warm houses in the winter. We sleep on a soft bed every night which should be much better than being a monk walking in the mountains.'
That little monk is scared the most when someone interrupts him. He wants to say something but he cannot say anything bad about them or explain because it is an old woman who offers to help them so he just stutters in a whisper: 'Although there is not much to talk about as a monk, we are happy and satisfied. After we became monks, we have been freed from gossips or aging skins...'
Then, he thinks he just got too harsh, so he hurries to explain: 'No, I didn't mean it. Old lady, please don't get mad at me!'
Right after, he despondently pulls the tiger skin miniskirt on Sun Wukong and whispers: 'They want to marry someone into their family. How about Wukong marrying into them?'
Sun Wukong says: 'I have promised Nanhai Guanyin that I will guard you to Western Paradise. Am I an ungrateful person? Unless Nanhai Guanyin comes here by himself to tell me not to guard you to Western Paradise, I will not leave you.'
I, Samantabhadra, and Manjusri feel ashamed behind because he is solely here to return my favor, but we are testing him. What a shameful thing to do!
Sun Wukong says again: 'Bajie seems to be very eager to stay. Why don't you stay here? Huh?'
Zhu Bajie obviously has an unsettled mind, but he doesn't dare to say so in front of his shifu and his fellow so he just murmurs: 'You all just know to tease me. I have never seen her daughters. How can I marry them?'
Sun Wukong hears this and bursts out a laugh. He hugs his cudgel straight in order to stand still: 'Shifu ah, this Zhu Bajie doesn't care about his own ugliness but he is afraid of girls born to not have a good look!'
Zhu Bajie is snapped so he anxiously says: 'Who told you that? I didn't mean it! My mind is solely for Buddhism...'
Lishan Mother calls to the inner room: 'Zhenzhen, Aiai, Lianlian, come out to see our guests!'
Our goose skin rises when she calls us.
What the fuck are these names?!
Manjusri suddenly says: 'I know now. She is not coming to tease those monks but us. Unfortunately, Ksitigarbha isn't here. Otherwise, we could have another guy to be—'
Lishan Mother: 'What are you shy about? Come out to see our guests!'
Samantabhadra sighs: 'Ayy, if they find out my true identity this time, I shall not be a bodhisattva anymore. I am going to resume a secular life.'
I say: 'Why do you both care so much about the appearance? Look at me. I am already used to wearing a woman's dress.'
Three of us come out together and no one raises their face. We are waiting for the next order from Lishan Mother.
Expectedly, Sun Wukong fails to recognize any of us and he just wants to tease Zhu Bajie so he says immediately: 'Ayyy, how can we know if these girls look pretty or not if they don't raise their heads? If not, I am afraid that this idiot will dislike and avoid them.'
Lishan Mother sneers: 'Oh? You dislike and avoid my daughters?'
Zhu Bajie immediately says: 'No, no, I really don't dare to do so! These girls are as beautiful as Xian. They look so pretty!'
As soon as he says "Xian", three of us shiver together.
Samantabhadra says: 'Let's agree with this first: who is Zhenzhen? Who is Aiai? Who is Lianlian?'
Manjusri says: 'Fuck off these Zhenzhen Aiai Lianlian weird names. I don't want any of these names.'
We stand embarrassed in front of these monks for a while and then Lishan Mother finally says: 'Okay, you guys go back. They dislike you!'
We turn around as if a huge burden was taken off from our back but unexpectedly that little monk cries out in a surprise: 'Wait a minute! Wait a minute...'
As he is speaking, he chases up to us happily and drags me: 'This sister, I have seen you in the past!'
At this moment, I feel like I was in an ice abyss. If there is a crack on the ground, I will go in and never come out again.
Sun Wukong is holding his cudgel in his arms chuckling behind: 'Wow, this monk says he doesn't have a sexual desire everyday but as soon as he sees a pretty girl, he just said he had met her in the previous life! How smart he is!'
Xuan Zang is so worried after hearing Sun Wukong calling him lascivious that he sweats and explains: 'I wasn't sure at first so I looked at her for a long time. Yes, it is true that I have seen this sister in the past. I recognize you, but do you recognize me?'
I: '...'
Only the Dao will know how you can recognize me.
In order to not be seen through by Sun Wukong's eyes, we put our real power into our transformation. How could you a mortal human be able to recognize me every single time you see me!?!?
I really offended you in my previous life that I cannot get away from you in this life.
Who knows how much this little monk hates me. He dies in every reincarnation during his ten lives on Earth, but he can recognize me no matter what form I am.
I fake my voice and say: 'Little shifu, you must have misrecognized me. There will be nothing left if one dies. How could you remember things that happened in your previous life?'
The little monk joyfully pulls my sleeve and smiles at me with his white-bun-like face: 'I become very happy when I see you. There is no way I can misrecognize you! As soon as I see you, I really want to recite scriptures to you! This is so strange. Although I know you will dislike me if I do so, I really want to discuss Buddhism with you. Sister, do you read scriptures?'
...The Golden Cicada as expected really hates me! Those scriptures that he didn't finish in his previous lives are going to be dumped into my ears in his current life as a human!
Sun Wukong grins like a Cheshire-cat to his two fellows with the cudgel in his arms: 'You didn't know that our shifu always picks the prettiest girl to say these words. When he sees Nanhai Guanyin, he also pulled his sleeve to say that he had met him in his previous life!'
After that, the three of them are laughing together. As soon as they laugh, we as deities are frightened into a cold sweat.
This is really scary.
Although all in Western Paradise know that the Golden Cicada has a grudge with me, I didn't know he has such a heavy grudge.
Lishan Mother says: 'Oh? You take a fancy to my third daughter. Are you going to be a son-in-law now?'
Xuan Zang is shocked and hurries to wave his hands carefully: 'No, no. I just think that this sister has a fate with Buddhism that I just want to recite some scriptures...'
I knew it.
This Golden Cicada has only one obsession: He didn't win when he argued with me so no matter how many times he dies, he is not reconciled.
I am embarrassed at the moment, but someone just makes me feel worse. Manjusri was standing aside still but he suddenly says: 'Oh? You recognize my sister. How about me?'
...
Why are you looking for more trouble?
Once the little monk hears this, he seriously comes up to look at his face. He opens his eyes big, looking at him from left to right and says blankly: 'I didn't see this sister in the past. Only this sister...There is no way I will make such a mistake. I have seen you in the past...'
Lishan Mother says: 'Since you two have such a connection, why don't you marry my daughter?'
The little monk is horrified, and he keeps shaking his head: 'I cannot. I cannot. I am going to receive the scriptures. If this sister is willing, she can come with me also. You have a Buddhist look. Possibly, you will also be enlightened when we arrive at the Nalanda Temple.'
...
Your ambition to bother me to death is on fire!
Lishan Mother sneers: 'Are you daydreaming? I am willing to let my daughter marry you if you stay here. Why are you so greedy and want to take away my daughter?'
Xuan Zang is just snapped by her so he says anxiously: 'I am a monk. A monk doesn't resume a secular life...'
Then he pulls Sun Wukong's sleeve and says: 'You go to talk to them and tell them that we are monks from the Great Tang. We are going to receive the scriptures.'
Sun Wukong makes fun of him on purpose: 'Since then, why did you say that you had met this girl in your previous life? You showed your interest but then you didn't want to marry her. How can this be right?'
The little monk blinks his eyes perplexedly: 'But I did meet her. If I have met her, then I have met her. If I haven't met her, then I haven't met her. Monks don't lie.'
He is the kind of person who keeps banging their heads against the wall. No matter how hard others try to explain, he will not listen to.
Lishan Mother says: 'You the little monk is so unreasonable. You pulled my daughter's sleeve to say some bullshit about your previous life, but you aren't willing to marry her! Enough!'
Right after, she knocks away his hand which was pulling my sleeve and says angrily: 'Since then, you shall stay in this room!'
After that, she brings us to the inner room.
There, Samantabhadra whispers to me: 'Guanyin bodhisattva, what did you guys argue about in his previous life? How come he still remembers it?'
I say: 'How do I know?! I was walking alone talking to myself and he just began to talk to me when he heard it. I have forgotten what I was saying, and I only remember him saying Amitabha below my lotus seat!'
Manjusri says: 'Well, my previous topic with him obviously didn't leave him with a deep impression. I was arguing with him why men don't give birth. He didn't remember me.'
...
You who are living in Western Paradise are really unoccupied.
We walk to the backyard and see that white dragon horse being tied there. Samantabhadra asks me: 'So this is the little prince of the Dragon King of the West Sea?'
I say: 'Yes. Now he is a mount of the Tang monk. Watch your mouth. He understands your words.'
The little white dragon glares his eyes big and tilts his head at us. He looks at Manjusri and then at Samantabhadra. Immediately, he is shocked and tries to kneel down to us to kowtow. Manjusri likes trouble so he seals the ability to talk of the little white dragon after one swing of his arm: 'Please forgive this offense, little prince.'
We were talking in the backyard and Sun Wukong suddenly appears with his cudgel. He really has a deep affection with his cudgel and he always has it in his arms no matter where he goes. When he doesn't use it, he also puts it in his ear. It is like his baby who has to stay with him all the time.
He is calling after us: 'Ms. Lianlian, please wait!'
As he calls, Samantabhadra says: 'I have told you to divide the names. Now, who knows who?'
Manjusri says: 'It doesn't matter. I am not going to respond anyway. I am deaf now.'
None of us talk, so Sun Wukong comes up and pulls me: 'Girl, I have something to tell you.'
Obviously neither Manjusri or Samantabhadra want to be related to this monkey so they leave here quickly after knowing that I am "Lianlian".
Sun Wukong says earnestly: 'Girl, do not misunderstand my shifu to be a frivolous man. He said that he had met you before because he misrecognized you with someone else. Also, he just wants to preach Buddhism and he has no intention to molest you, but he is too stubborn. I shall apologize for him to you here.'
I say: 'I am not mad. Please don't be so courteous for it, Zhanglao (A referential title for monks). My family also worships Buddha and I can understand what the little Zhanglao means.'
Sun Wukong salutes to me and speaks reverently: 'Well, he just has this one single bad habit. He always misrecognizes people. When he saw Nanhai Guanyin's statues, he also said he had met him before. He is a muddleheaded monk. Please don't mind it.'
At this moment, Zhu Bajie suddenly runs out from the room and says: 'Fellow, fellow, I have to negotiate this with you.'
Sun Wukong says: 'We are just staying overnight here. Why do you need to negotiate? Do you really want to stay here to marry them?'
Zhu Bajie says: 'You just know to laugh at me. Don't you have the same intention? If not, why do you stop her here alone!?'
Sun Wukong wants to kill him out of rage. He looks at me and then at him. He is struggling with whether he should beat his fellow in front of me. It was fine when he wasn't looking at me closely, but when he does, he is shocked—I am also looking at him when he looks at me.
Then, he shivers and jumps far away from me. He glares his eyes big at me with his monkey eyes up and down. He also glances at my dress quickly and points at me feebly and trembling: 'You...'
???
What do you mean?
Impossible. This monkey can never see through me!
Even Tathagata cannot see through my transformation within a short time. How could he?
I look at myself up and down. I am sure I am flawless, so what does this monkey mean?
He looks at me. I look at him. Zhu Bajie looks at me. He looks at Zhu Bajie.
Sun Wukong points at me feebly: 'You...'
Zhu Bajie says jealously: 'Wow you aren't letting her go now.'
Sun Wukong says: 'I give you three seconds. Get out of my sight! Three! Two!'
Zhu Bajie is shocked, so he runs away immediately. While he is running, he says: 'If you didn't have something on your mind, why do you want to talk to her alone! Who knows what you guys are going to do next! Ha, I am going to tell shifu!'
Sun Wukong afraidly trembles with the cudgel in his arms. He points at me shivering:
'You you you—'
I have an inexplicable bad feeling now.