Hi, surprise, I'm still not dead.
I'll try to make this brief even though I still have a hard time stopping my fingers from dancing about the keyboard.
Its been almost a year now since the last Born from a divine gamble chapter, or a chapter of any other story for that matter, I am very conscious of it.
First of all, let me be clear, this isn't an update to say that I'm giving up on the story. Even though its been so long since the last chapter, I still love this story and I want it to continue for a long time to come. I love writing, I still write every day in fact, but I haven't managed to come back around to BFDG yet.
The reason why there isn't any chapters coming out is because I keep scrapping them. I feel like I'm back six years ago, my head is boiling with an infinite amount of ideas that don't go at all with each other or the stories I'm currently writing and I'm trying to clear up space by trowing them on paper for maybe later. Since the last BFDG chapter, I've started up 25 other stories but none of them go anywhere and my mind keeps trowing new things at me.
To write BFDG properly, I need my mind to be calm and it isn't right now. Its hard to talk about something in particular while my head keeps pulling me away to more and more irrelevant things. Its different from a writers block, its the exact opposite. I have too many ideas and I can't keep still. When I get up in the morning, I never know what I'll be writing about and the hitch for a new BFDG chapter hasn't been strong enough yet to pull my focus back to it entirely.
Also, once I do feel like I absolutely need to write a chapter of it this instant, I'll probably have to read through all my notes and some of the chapters again just to remind myself of all the details. I know where I was going and what the next chapters are meant to be about but the details are getting blurry. It sounds bad but its good news instead, usually its when it gets most blurry that I feel the urge to write about things again.
Maybe I'll do some sort of reading/writing stream once I'm there. It sounds sort of dumb but my computer can't handle gaming streams XD.
Aside from the writing stuff, this year continues to be an absolute shit year. Since September last year, nothing has gone right for me even once. Every time I get something out of the way, something else comes up to disturb and worry me. Newest thing on the list is that my grandfather has been in an hospital for the last couple of weeks because one morning he just didn't wake up (as in "the sleeping beauty" not as in "he's dead"). He's getting better now, getting back his strength slowly, but still, I feel like my year has been stupid enough already.
When I said I'd take a short break for my birthday last September, I seriously didn't think I'd go a full year without a chapter of this but here we are. Everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong and I don't want to say that everything is fixed now because I just don't know what else could possibly come slap me next.
I had an amazing track record of chapter updates, I was consistent and I was proud of it but I fucked it up and I feel really bad about it. I feel like I'm letting the readers down and its upsetting me. Yet, I can't bring myself to just say "Let's put this all behind me and start working on this earnestly again."
I'm tankful for all the readers of my different stories and I feel atrocious but I feel even worse about myself and my family. I'm losing so much time writing and/or doing nothing productive, I still don'T have a real job and I feel like a giant leech. I am disgusted with myself and I don't know what I should do with myself.
I feel like I was blinding myself with the numbers here on webnovel. Here look, I'm slowly gaining readers, isn't that great? Man my dream of writing for a living is slowly getting closer, how do I improve and how do I gain more. That shit year has been like a slap in the face, multiple ones. I've been thrown about and made to realise that I actually don't have anything.
My strongest desire in life is to write but I feel great guilt every time I do because its just my selfish wish, its not a real job.
I don't know what to think or how to fix this. I don't know what I should do. I have no practical skills, I don't like to talk to people face to face so I always leave extra bad impressions in job interviews.
Sorry, I said I was going to be short but I'm getting sidetracked.
Next chapter: Yes.
When: ???
I just need to sort out the chaos in my mind or get infused with an Iron will.
I need to send my book to an editor like I've been saying I would for years but never do in the end because I'm too nervous and then I need to find some help getting some sort of job I guess. They were looking for people at the paper factory, they have a weird schedule though. Maybe I should apply to some Vtuber agency. Guys don't get as many viewers but it could be fun anyway.
I'll leave it all at that for now. I feel dizzy from the vaccine and the storm in my head. I know it doesn't really give you all any indication of when I'll finally be back but that's the best I can provide for now.