"The little shit basically manipulated me into thinking that d-doing… doing something like that is… i-is a better choice! And of course, me being the little clueless kid that I was, I believed her. I agreed to what she offered. And I failed to see that evil glint in her eyes as I basically fell into her trap."
"As soon as I went home, I did it. A simple slash on the finger. And I went to my parents to show them. But both of them were on their phones so it took them long before they started to notice me. And when they did, they called in for the nanny to clean and treat my wound instead."
Inna blinked furiously as she tried to hold back the emotions welling up inside her from the memories she kept hidden.
"I… I t-thought that they didn't have that much reaction because the wound was small and it closed up pretty fast. And so, the next night, I tried again. I cut my palm with a knife I was able to get from the kitchen. But before I could show it to them, both my parents had to leave for an emergency meeting, leaving me with my nanny who took care of the wound wordlessly."
"I thought to myself that they probably didn't notice me at that time because they left before they could see me. And so, I told myself that I'll d-do it properly next time. But the next time I did it to my other palm, they still called for my nanny to treat me and then they ended up leaving soon after to fix some issues in their company. They didn't even… speak a word of goodbye... They just immediately went out the door and left."
Inna sighed as she buried her head deeper into Raghnall's side. She didn't want to talk about this but she couldn't understand why she felt like she really should.
"Back then, if I didn't go to school, I would've passed off their behavior as the norm. I thought, maybe that's how they show affection. They try to earn as much money as possible to give me a great and comfortable life. I was comfortable with the distance as well since they just let me do whatever I wanted."
"But at that moment, I finally opened my eyes and felt that maybe I was wrong. And I began to think… M-maybe they never really cared for me to begin with... Maybe I really w-was an unwanted child, after all. Maybe, I was just… unneeded."
"Those words haunted my mind for numerous days. I desperately tried to prove my own thoughts to be false by cutting again and again but I soon gave up on showing it to my parents since they always disappear after getting me from school. And so, instead of doing it to prove something, it just became a habit of release."
"Every time something happens in school, a simple cut on the finger was enough to make me forget about it. The deeper the cut, the number I felt with everything that was happening around me. I didn't know why and it certainly was strange. But I was far too consumed by my self-destructive thoughts to think rationally about my situation."
Inna flinched slightly from the memory as her hand instinctively grasped her wrist.
"But, even though my hands and wrists were full of scars, I wasn't able to lie to that psycho. How could I when, at that time, the confirmation that my parents didn't care for me was the undeniable truth. That fact can be read on my face like an open book. And so, that psycho most likely had fun watching me getting ganged up on and bullied in nearly every single day."
"The b-bullying persisted for weeks but I no longer had any courage to talk to her m-much less fight against h-her. Th-the only thing I w-was thankful for w-was the fact that it d-didn't seem to leak... the f-fact about me b-being adopted. B-but other than that, I w-was too exhausted to care about anything else. A-all I r-remember was… hiding in the c-comfort rooms for n-nearly the whole d-day… w-wanting to just… d-disappear… and go to a place where there w-was... no one except me in it."
"I... in those weeks… I was just… s-seven… but I just wanted everything to e-end… right then a-and there… I w-was horrified of the future… what if I g-get thrown out… what if it g-gets worse… will I have to live with this t-treatment for y-years and years to c-come? I was s-scared… I was s-so so scared a-and tired… so much s-o… I just w-wanted to… I… I just… wanted… to… I...I'm s-sorry. C-can I just… b-breathe… for a m-moment…"
Inna gasped out as she clutched her chest. She tried to calm herself when she felt the dizzying impact of a panic attack starting.
Her heart started pounding against her chest and she felt her visions starting to turn hazy.
But she didn't want to worry Raghnall so she clenched her eyes shut as she tried to endure and reign it all in.
She didn't want to look weak. Not right now.
She's strong. She got this. She can get through this like she did last time.
There's nothing to get anxious about. There's nothing to panic for. She's strong.
She's like her. She is Officer Astria.
The bearer of fucking justice.
Chanting those phrases she used ever since she was a child, she soon slowly learned to calm down. And after a few more deep breaths, she finally was able to compose herself enough to continue on.
"S-sorry… Pretend… that d-didn't happen..."
Inna huffed out as she removed her hand from her chest. Raghnall wanted to ask her what was wrong and start to chant a healing spell but Inna didn't seem to want his help.
But then, he suddenly caught a whiff of the scent of blood.
And when he traced the cause of it, Raghnall felt panic in his heart when he saw that Inna's hand was clenched around her wrist so tight that it started to bleed. Certain images flashed into his mind--images that all consisted of Aril's lifeless eyes staring at him as his cold body swung slowly, with blood dripping from his neck.
He quickly shook his head as he tried to get rid of the images but even after they all went away, he couldn't stop his hands from trembling in fear just from remembering.
But this time, instead of dwelling on his feelings of remorse and hatred at himself for what happened with Aril, he was far more worried about the present… on what was currently happening to Inna.
And so, without a word nor a warning and despite his trembling hands, he quickly pried her hand away from her wrist and wrapped his arm around her shoulders as he guided her head to rest on the side of his chest. He didn't know how to comfort her, and he knew that she didn't want to face him. And so, the only thing he could do was to hold her hand and share his warmth with her, hoping it'll make her feel that she wasn't alone--that he was there, listening to her even if he didn't fully understand some of the words she was uttering.
When she was pulled in, Inna protested at first by stiffening. She refused to move in fear that she might accidentally face him and meet his eyes and he might see the ugly expression she was wearing. But feeling the warmth emanating from his palm while he held her hand and gently guided her head to rest on his chest, she stopped her futile resistance and instead, just relaxed into him with a heavy sigh.