She was tired of remembering.
But now, she finally understood.
Now that she has died and was now living another person's life, she finally understood.
Her past self, her naivety, her cluelessness…
Her childhood…
All of those were what she truly hated in her past.
She didn't hate the people that bullied her. She didn't hate that psycho girl who manipulated her.
No, she didn't hate them anymore.
In fact, she even nearly forgot what they look like and what their names were.
The hatred she felt was never about them.
It was all on her. On how of an idiot she was back then.
Her hatred stemmed from regrets. Regrets that made who she was. And the anger came from the fact that she could never erase nor change those regrets because they were already part of who she was no matter how shameful they might be.
And so, what she's doing now… what she's trying to aim by telling Raghnall… she's basically just releasing her regrets. All memories that made her who she was. Everything about her.
This was the moment when she finally realized…
Damn, so this is what it feels like for it to finally dawn in her that she's dead.
Like an old lady accepting her impending death, she's sharing all her regrets in life as though she's afraid no one will remember her after her death.
Heh, it's quite accurate but ironic at the same time.
She's selfishly releasing them so that Raghnall can accept it all.
So that he can accept her regrets.
So that he can accept… her.
Even if he understood nearly nothing of what she was saying.
Because she knew that after this, she'd have to be someone else again. She'd have to be Ingrid Lidden, the girl found in the Miasma Forest. She'd have to be Ingrid, that Lily class student who didn't deserve to be in the academy. She'd have to be Inna, the talentless when it comes to magic.
So today, she's releasing her regrets. Because, staring at the statue in front of her, she knew that the identity of Inna Lovenhart was now nothing more than a statue.
A remembrance of her life before that was planted in a new foreign land.
Always present but it no longer held its significance and life.
And so, she vowed that after this day, she'll instead try to live her new life as though she was truly reborn.
But for now, she's going to revel at the past--at her origins. So that she won't ever forget where she came from.
And so, with a newfound direction, she smiled lightly as her eyes teared up. Her shoulders began to tremble and she began to sniff which greatly alarmed Raghnall.
"D-do you want to… stop? I-I can understand. I'm sorry to ask you of this. I really am. I feel so guilty right now because I swear every time I ask you something it seems to only hurt you more and more. I'm really so--"
Inna hushed him with a small chuckle as she shook her head. Then she turned around as she wiped away her tears.
"No, no. Don't be. I'm grateful, really. Just… let me have my moment. I'm feeling weirdly emotional and sensitive right now. All these thoughts just keep popping up and it must've been the alcohol that's triggering all these… maybe I'm just in the mood to be dramatic tonight."
Raghnall nodded in understanding as he patted her head.
"Okay, I understand. It's just that… you can stop if you want to, y'know. I can live without knowing your past."
Inna snorted at the lie. He obviously was the kind of person who'd do everything just to quench his curiosity. Still, she appreciated his effort as she willed herself to continue.
"Now… where was I… okay. It was at those times that I was… at my lowest.… It was then I realized that enough is enough. I didn't want to live like that anymore. And so, I refused to go to school. I holed up in my house for nearly a month and whenever they would force me to go out, I'd throw the biggest tantrum as though my life depended on it. My parents soon got the hint and gave up on trying to take me to school. Instead, they contacted the school and told them I'd be having a short indefinite break and that I can just take everything I missed once I come back from the break."
"And so, then began my life of monotony which only consisted of eating, sleeping, and watching television. It went on for about a month. That month was actually my birthday month as well but I spent my birthday holed up in my room with the TV on and with a blanket wrapped around me for security. I remember that on that day, there was this big thunderstorm and my parents were stuck in traffic and so, I spent that day alone and afraid. Afraid because I used to be scared of lightning and thunder."
"At first, I thought it was one of the worst birthdays I've had. But looking back on it now, it was probably the most important and memorable one. It was because, despite the mishaps on that day, I was able to stumble upon something that changed my life forever."
Inna smiled fondly at the memory.
"Officer Astria, The Bearer of Justice. It was one of the best TV shows that aired its first episode on that night. I stumbled upon it by chance when I accidentally threw the remote from fright because of a flash of lightning."
"It was an R-rated show because of its counts of violence and mature dialogue but I really didn't care because the story seemed interesting."
"The main character was obviously in the name of the title, Officer Astria. She was a policewoman who had to track down a series of murder cases that involved in the trafficking of drugs. She was undercover as a guest in a certain casino and she looked absolutely innocent and delicate that they didn't even suspect her of anything. In fact, I didn't even realize she was the main lead until minutes later when she was able to seize the drug lord running the place. That was when she took out her gun to point it at the guy's head all the while declaring her name."
"Well, after all, she really didn't seem like a policewoman. Instead, she looked more of a model or a celebrity. But when she raised up her gun, I was really shocked by how quick she changed from an innocent lady to a policewoman who held an aura of fearlessness and strength despite her pure appearance. She fit the name so well since Astria, in greek mythology, was the goddess of not only justice but also of innocence, purity, and precision."