Qiu Ling froze and looked at Jing Yi in a daze, getting merely a smile in return. This … Was he imagining things? Could it be that he had missed his beloved a little too much while he had been gone to ask the old geezer for advice?
Jing Yi could see that Qiu Ling's thoughts were going somewhere unexpected and almost wanted to laugh. After so much time of Qiu Ling always trying to get closer to him, they were suddenly in a situation where he was the one taking the first step for once, making Qiu Ling doubt himself. Previously, he wouldn't have been able to even imagine such a day.
Jing Yi smiled to himself. Well, he couldn't just give up because of a little setback. He had to give it a try. In the end, Qiu Ling wanted this, didn't he? He was just confused because he hadn't expected him to take the initiative. As soon as he got over that shock …
Jing Yi continued to hold onto Qiu Ling but still craned his neck, giving him another kiss. He closed his eyes, not bothering to watch Qiu Ling's expression any longer. Anyway, it was just important to get back into the mood. Everything else would fit into place by itself.
Unfortunately for Jing Yi, Qiu Ling was indeed mulling things over a little too deeply. He also couldn't help but think of how often he had tried to do exactly this. Lying in bed with him, kiss him gently, showing just how much he cared about him and then, finally, making all of this official.
He had longed for that. He had imagined that scene over and over again but now that the time had come, he could hardly focus on what was happening. His heart was beating madly but it was not the excitement he had hoped for. Instead, he felt a guilty conscience.
He closed his eyes in the hope of somehow getting these feelings under control but all he could see was Jing He's sweet smile. The graceful arc of his lips that could only barely hide his fear while his sparkling eyes betrayed his hopes … Just imagining it filled him with a bittersweet feeling, making his guilty conscience grow.
On that last day before Jing He had left, they had made all those promises. Never leaving each other, returning to each other's side, finally getting married when they saw each other again …
It had sounded like a matter of course. And to him, it had been one all along. Jing Yi was Jing He. They shared the same soul despite having a different body. It made no difference to him. And for the longest time, he had even thought that it would make a difference to his beloved either. He had thought that Jing He would feel even sweeter when he woke up and remembered what had happened in his mortal life. That he would be happy to know that his lover loved him so much that he couldn't bear to be without him even for these two months.
In fact, Qiu Ling had still believed this until a short while ago. But when he saw that Jing Yi was jealous of Jing He … He couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't be the very same the other way around. And what if it was? What if Jing He wouldn't be able to see Jing Yi as himself? What if he felt that Jing Yi was a different person just like Jing Yi thought of Jing He? What if instead of being happy when remembering this, he instead felt like the love of his life had cheated on him?
That would break his heart.
Qiu Ling opened his eyes and pulled back with a heavy heart. He gave Jing Yi a smile that he hoped wouldn't look too forced and then brushed back his hair. "I guess it's pretty late. We should probably go to sleep." He didn't wait for Jing Yi's answer and just pulled him onto his side, covering them with the blanket. He extinguished the candle burning on the table with his spiritual energy and then closed his eyes, pretending to fall asleep in record time.
Jing Yi's expression fell. He had known that Qiu Ling was still unsure of how to deal with some things even though he had accepted to first spend some time with him. He hadn't thought that it would be to this degree though. Something that he had always wanted … Was it suddenly not true anymore now that he had realized that he and Jing He could never exist together? If that was the case …
He clenched his hands into fists and couldn't help but resent his past self up in the Nine Heavens. Why did that person have to exist? Why couldn't he just be a past life that had already ended? Why did he still need to be able to wake up later on? Would he take everything from him? Not only his life but even those experiences he wanted to make? Did he really want to keep him from marrying Qiu Ling?
He tried to see Qiu Ling's expression but it was already too dark. Jing Yi turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling, the resentment in him not subsiding at all. He wouldn't let him do this. He wouldn't just accept this outcome. No, he'd stubbornly fight on!
Even if Qiu Ling didn't agree right now, there were still many days and nights ahead. In one of them, he would not say no. In one of them, he would agree to what he had originally wanted. He just had to wait for that moment.
It would need a lot of patience but he could do it. He could definitely do it. He had to. Otherwise, he would really lose this person. And he was not willing to accept that outcome.