Danny's Accidents
Men join the military for all sorts of reasons: duty, glory, honor, defending the fatherland, and all that noble nonsense. Danny, however, joined for just two things—money and women. And if he could get both at the same time, even better.
Sergeant Rock, a man whose charm was only rivaled by his inability to keep a promise, sold Danny a dream. “Fight for the empire, boy, and I’ll get you knighted,” Rock said, rubbing his hands together like some kind of cartoon villain. “The emperor will give you land, the crowds will cheer, and the women? Oh, they’ll want you. All of them.” Danny, who had the intellectual depth of a puddle, believed it. Why wouldn’t he? It was a great deal. No one ever said war wasn’t a dirty business, but at least it came with perks, right?
Well, turns out, Sergeant Rock was about as reliable as a wet paper towel. No knight’s title, no land, no women throwing themselves at Danny. What Danny did get was a front-row seat to endless slaughter, where the only thing harder than the fighting was pretending there was honor in it. The blood ran thick, the bodies piled high, and Danny was left wondering if all those promises were just someone’s sick joke. Probably Sergeant Rock’s. He had that kind of face.
But Danny wasn’t the sort of man to break a promise, especially not the one Rock made about "being a man of your word." So he slogged through the mess, stabbing pigs, fighting witches, and generally doing what he was told, hoping against hope that maybe the lies would somehow come true. Spoiler: they didn’t. The war was lost, the emperor got a sword through his royal gut courtesy of some flying freak, and Danny? Well, he was now famous for being very bad at war crimes.
After the war, Danny was tried, convicted, and sentenced to 296 years in prison. He served them all, because apparently, the universe has a sense of humor. Now, after an excruciatingly long vacation, Danny’s free. All he wants is to be a better man, which is a bit like saying you want to learn to juggle chainsaws while standing on a tightrope. It sounds good, but there’s a reason no one tries it. The reason? There’s a demon inside him, and it’s got a very bad attitude. All it wants is death, destruction, and general mayhem. But hey, Danny’s trying. And that counts for something, right?
