Chapter 1: Swipe Left for Rebellion
"There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and transmigrating into a gigolo."
—"Self-help Guide for Failed Time Travelers"
Prologue: Death by PowerPoint
The last slide of my doomed IPO pitch still burned behind my eyelids.
"By leveraging blockchain-enabled..."
BANG!
My fiancée's Louboutin heel smashed through the Tesla's touchscreen. Elena's reflection grinned in the rearview mirror as we plunged toward the Hudson River.
"Darling," her voice purred through Bluetooth speakers, "your liquidity crisis just went... literal."
Goldman Sachs executives materialized on the riverbank, clinking champagne flutes. Through oxygen-deprived bubbles, I saw their toast:
"To short-selling Romeo!"
I. Concubine Mark™ 1.0
I awoke to peach-scented capitalism.
"Third Young Master Ning!" A maid yanked open bed curtains embroidered with what looked like the S&P 500 chart. "Madam demands your... performance review."
My mergers & acquisitions-trained brain dissected the nightmare:
Asset Valuation: The jade chamber pot alone could fund a Silicon Valley startup
Hostile Takeover Risk: Silk-robed woman entering with divorce papers = Shen Qiao, CEO of Shen Trading Empire
Branding Issue: The glowing red mole between my eyebrows pulsed like a failing stock ticker - Concubine Mark™, System™ informed me
"Still cosplaying comatose?" Shen Qiao's hairpin hovered near my jugular. Its pearl swung hypnotically, matching the rhythm of her verbal 10-K filing:
"Since last night's consummation failure, your debt-to-equity ratio..."
I grabbed her wrist, applying the pressure point technique that once subdued a hostile board member. "Let's restructure this merger, Ms. Shen."
The air crackled. Crimson warnings flashed:
[OOC VIOLATION! Character Setting: Cowardly Gigolo] [Penalty: Thunderstruck Jade Pillow (Mild)]
ZAP! The jade pillow beneath me conducted lightning like a pissed-off Tesla coil.
II. Tinder 0.9 AD Edition
The courtyard resembled a Bloomberg terminal gone feral.
Concubines in peony-print Hanfu swiped left/right on jade tablets that glowed with eerie familiarity. One giggled at her "match" - a tax collector whose profile boasted:
Li Si
Age: 42 (Zodiac: Bankrupt Rat)
Skills: Creative accounting (A+), Flute-playing (F-)
Swipe Right Perk: Free post-nuptial audit
"Madam's new matchmaking system is miraculous!" A concubine showed me her matches.
My blood ran cold. The floating interface wasn't ancient magic - it was Elena's "E-spouse 3.0" algorithm from our failed dating app startup.
III. Hostile Code Acquisition
I tracked the signal to the ancestral hall, where a glowing tortoise shell served as "server."
"Let's see your tech stack, honey." I drew Python symbols in incense smoke.
Hexagrams morphed into familiar code:
python
while Shen_Qiao.power >80%: husband.append(Ning_Chen)else: execute(husband, method='silk_strangulation')
So my wife was running corporate espionage through matrimonial machine learning. Time for a boardroom coup.
IV. Disruptive Courtship™
At Duchess Jinghai's poetry banquet, I unleashed my weapon - lipstick forged from crushed AirPods (courtesy of System™ black market).
"Your Grace." I kissed her hand, leaving QR-code-shaped glitter. "Scan this celestial message."
The Duchess squinted. Her jade "smartphone" (a carved turtle shell with glowing runes) decoded:
Salt mine maps
Shen Qiao's offshore shell companies
8th-century remix of "Never Gonna Give You Up"
"Divine revelation!" The Duchess trembled. "The gods demand... free market competition!"
V. Shareholder Rebellion
That night, Shen Qiao cornered me in the crypt-like accounting room.
"You turned my Oracle Bone Cloud into a Ponzi scheme?" Her dagger pinned my collar to a scroll listing my "husband KPIs":
Monthly dowry appreciation: ▇▇▇▇▇ 12%
Nightly performance metrics: ▇▇ 3% (Default imminent)
"Baby, I'm the best bad investment you'll ever make." I flicked a abacus bead at her AI-powered hairpin.
The System™ glitched:
复制
[New Achievement: Financial Foreplay] [Reward: Blockchain Divorce Agreement (Beta)]
Outside, the Duchess' army chanted my invented battle cry: "TAX THE TEMPLES!"
Epilogue: Short-Selling the Moon
As Shen Qiao's guards dragged me away, I glimpsed servants auctioning my "cursed" pillowcase on eBay...
Ancient eBay.
A eunuch bidder waved jade tokens: "I'll pay 30 taels for the Thunderstruck Relic!"
The System™ whispered:
[Market Insight: Concubine Economy Bubble Detected] [Recommended Action: Marry the Moon Goddess]
I grinned into the chaos. Wall Street had nothing on this dynasty.
Next Chapter Teaser:
"Chapter 2: Wolf of Chang'an Street" - Where rice futures meet bloodshed, and our hero accidentally NFTs the Imperial Seal