What
A
Mask
Hides
Day 1.
"Today is the day!" I thought, climbing those big and steep steps.
Finally, I climbed them up. But then I saw her. A girl, standing on the ledge of what must be the tallest building in the town.
A feeling of jealousy washed over me, why, how, what did I do to deserve this? Then it happened, with a heavy breath I screamed:
"Stop, don't do, it, please?"
I then went ahead to question myself:
"Why, why did I scream? I could not care less either way."
Then the girl turned around, it was just now that I realized what she was wearing. She had a brown coat underneath it white shirt and casual gray baggy pants. Her head was covered by a small brown hat, underneath the hat, red braids covered her distressed face. As tears made tear marks before they would fly off into the air.
"I will listen, tell me what's wrong, just, don't, jump'; please!"
She stepped away from the ledge and sat down on the floor. I aproached her and sat down next to her, I heard her sobbing.
She spoke softly, "You heard it all before, I had a crush a, boy so gentle and soft like an angel came down to make me happier. We ended up together, but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, he was not what he appeared, after he removed his mask, it was all clear as day, once he got bored, he, he..." She broke down in tears.
I felt a spike of anger suddenly. I stood up and told her with a seemingly angry voice:
"Look me into my eyes and tell me, do you really think that is a reason to take away your own life, do you think it is fair to others to take a loved one from their lives? Think of your mother, one who gave birth to you, raised you and loves you, think of all your friends, some with only you will have nobody. If you don't want to live for yourself then live for them, because there is always, somebody who needs you!!!"
She shed a tear and jumped to give me a hug. I must admit I shed a tear as well.
"You are right, I will check on my friends right away and hug my mum when I come home! Thanks, on the advice." She said while in the hug.
As she was leaving, I told her:
"And remember, there are more boys in the city!" She cracked a smile and waved goodbye.
After this I also felt demotivated and went to my flat just a flat under.
As I unlocked and opened the door I was greeted by a sound of emptiness. I dressed in my froggy pajamas and went to sleep. As I was lying in bed I couldn't stop thinking of that dear girl and my own reason for being there. I couldn't fall asleep, so I went to go get my sleeping pills, as I opened the cabinet, I couldn't find them. I shook the cabinet a little. I can't remember names very well, so I remember the packaging. It is a soft purple with a moon drawn on it. "Oh, a purple packaging!" I thought, but it had a frown, I didn't bother reading the name, it was empty anyways.
I finally found my pills and fell asleep.
Day 2.
This morning, I really didn't want to wake up. This feeling is much more often than before.
I got up, brushed my teeth and had a shower. It took me like half an hour to do my hair. Once I got out of the bathroom, I had my coffee while reading the newspaper. It seems that the tensions are only rising between my homeland and the neighboring country.
My county, the land of progress, Proodos. We are an interesting specimens. They would kill for progress and future. But why? Why waste energy on future when the present is so flawed? I, I just don't understand.
I finally got dressed and went to school. The very moment I got out of my flat I was greeted by my neighbor Sonezaki in the hall. She was my closest Neighbour, if I recall correctly, she lived with her mom and newly born sister.
"Good morning, Muslammas, Ready for school?" She greeted me warmly.
I don't know why she is so nice to me. I am quite socially awkward, so I don't talk to people much.
"Yes, I uhhhh, yes, I am ready, yyy-yyou, what about you."
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, ohhhh no, I totally fucked this conversation. Now she will think I am fucking weird. Oh, dear god.
"Ahaha, Muslammas, you are so cute." Sonezaki blushed "What do you say we walk to school together?"
She was as red as a pepper. I could hear her heart racing from a meter away. But why, why would she want to walk with ME? Why would she lie to me, there is no chance that she thinks I am cute. It is likely a trap, and if I decide to go, she will humiliate me with her friends.
"Thanks, but I am busy, I, I have to rush to school." I said stumbling to get to the stairs.
"Oh, I see, ..., Ok; see you then." She said with a sad smile. She really wants me to fall for her traps, doesn't she? I climbed down the stairs and left my building. The city is ohh so lively, I mean you can imagine the capital of a land of progress, so called the city of opportunity.
The all known morning rush, everyone rushing to their school, job, kindergarten turning a blind eye to people needing help. Turning a blind eye to the suffering of their loved ones, jobless ones, homeless ones, (with a deep breath said) parentless ones.
I got onto a bus to get to school. Brand new technology, they are bragging everywhere. The bus would use magnets and travel on its own tracks, it travels three times faster than an average bus, not even considering that its roads are empty. The man who made it in an interview said that his main goal was to make more accessible and cheap public transportation. That man disappeared, in the end, his invention can only use the dirty rich people, and students whose university pays. His wish was forgotten, vandalized and he diapered with it. That is what he was given in return for giving his life for progress.
Looking at the roads where the normal cars drive, I noticed a big crowd. Its then that I remembered that these prideful citizens of this city are having an a "Parade of progress, where they march to celebrate the progress of our country." bullshit in my opinion.
Finally, I arrived at my university seeing it made me remember that my first class starts at 10 am. Now it
was 7:50. So I went to the library and started reading "No Matter What" by Debi Gliori.
Reading smaller books helps me relax, this one especially.
When it finally hit 9:50 I went to the "Ins and outs of mental illness" my first class of the day. Our professor was the only one in the room. He wore a sports shirt of his favorite team. I was never too much into sport, so I forgot the name of the team. He had some casual gray pants on, flip-flops, hair tied. He is a very chill professor.
I settled down and started preparing for class on my laptop.
"It seems that everyone got caught off guard by the parade." Professor tried making some small talk.
"Huh, oh, oh, yes it seems so." I was also caught off guard by his attempts at small talk. Normally people don't talk to me.
I prepared everything for class, but because we were the only ones there, we decided to wait for others.
While waiting we decided to watch a movie. As this is a psychology class, we watched a movie about suicide. It's main point was that everting can go wrong no matter how much control you think you have.
Finally, others came. I saw Sonezaki, she seemed down. She didn't talk to anyone. She just sat down and stared. Then, well, then she looked at ME. I awkwardly looked away. I didn't want her to think that I am some kind of cre..., oh, who am I kidding, she already thinks that.
I listened to the class, it is quite hard to focus thou, I have so many things on my head, it's not important.
I had a few more classes, but there is one that sticks out. It's my "Atoms, detailed look at theories and facts about atoms." I personally am not a fan of the class, barely scraping by type of not a fan. The only reason why I have it is because I needed another subject and I will not stand religion. People often ask me "Why not religion, it is quite connected to human psychology." well my main reason for it is because I can't listen to some kind of God. Why? Because if God was real I, I would not exist.
So, on that class about atoms I sat next to an amazing student, truly great, notes everything, passes 100 on every test just the perfect student. But today he seemed, he seemed weird. He didn't take a single note, he just anxiously sketched a machine.
"Hey! Muslammas right." He spoke, I almost had a heart attack. "You study psychology, right?" Again, he said this anxiously.
"Yes, I do. Why?" I was confused.
"Why would he want to talk to ME? Sonezaki there is a much better choice." I thought to myself.
"Great!" He spoke. "I need someone who will just listen for a bit. I this you last class?"
"Yes, yes, it is."
"Great, so what do you say about a coffee, I know a great cafe in the area." He spoke, I would say almost relieved.
"Sounds like a plan to me." I spoke to him.
He just stayed silent and continued sketching.
I listened to the end of the class and looked for "my new friend" to leave, but he was nowhere to be found.
I collected my stuff, packed my bag and started heading home when...
"Oh, thank lord, took you long enough. C'mon, let's go to that cafe." He spoke. He was waiting for me at the exit of the classroom.
"Sooooooo, what's your name again. I am not very good with names." I spoke as we walked out of the university.
"Hah, we sat next to each other for a solid month and still did not remember, huh." I felt quite embarrassed. "No big deal thou, It's Sense thou."
As we walked into the cafe, I finally realized what kind of clothes he wore. His clothes were wrinkly with scribbles on them, they were like formulas. His shoes were worn-out.
We finally sat down, I ordered qajari coffee and Sense ordered a "Biohazard". Our coffee came. Sense started stirring his right of way. I looked him in his eyes, he looked exhausted, tired deprived of more than just sleep. Then he started talking.
"I just don't know what to do? I have to finish my new invention, but I don't know how to. And if I don't, I will starve for the whole month. But it's not about me. If I don't finish this, my sister will starve. And I don't know what to do, I am slowly cracking under all of this pressure, and I don't know what to do. (Takes a deep breath and breads out), that feels better, thanks."
He then went ahead to pay for both of our coffees and left.
I sipped my coffee in silence as I thought of what I will do when I come home. I drank up all my coffee and left the cute little cafe. I was in no rush, so I decided to walk home. It was 5 pm, and my house was quite close, with the parade over it should take me around 30 minutes to an hour. I guess everyone who was on the parade earlier is now sleeping, explaining why it was so silent.
Finally, I came to my street, Aokigahara my building was number 30, so I had a solid few more minutes to walk until I got to my building.
I entered my building, climbed to the 13th floor and entered my flat. It was cold, lights turned off and it felt dead. I knew I needed to study but, I just couldn't be bothered. I changed my clothes and went to cook. I made some slowly cooked tuna with a side of eggs. I ate it with some bread, and for dessert made some low-fat yoghurt with walnuts. While eating I was reading "I had a black dog" by Matthew Johnstone.
Later I heard someone ring the doorbell, so I went to answer it. It was nonother than Sonezaki herself, ringing at my humble door. "What might she want?" I wondered as she said:
"Good evening Muslammas, I wondered, would you help me do my homework." she asked very politely.
"Uh, uhm, okay, why not, let me help you." I had no other excuse, so I agreed.
"Amazing, she exclaimed, my mom will be so happy to meet you." She was so happy, but why? Why would she be happy with me coming over, why would anybody be happy with ME coming over. I can't understand.
We entered her home. The very moment that door opened, I was hit with a wave of joy, happiness, warmth. Her mother standing there, near a fireplace holding Sonezaki's little sister, you could see the love in the eyes of her mother.
I was instantly greeted warmly by Sonezaki's mother:
"Good evening, Muslammas: right."
"Good evening" I greeted them.
"C'mon, don't be shy, sit down, want something to eat, drink. Oh, yes, my name is Rika." Sonezki's mom offered me a bunch of thing, I was just so fucking confused, people aren't usually that kind to me.
"Oh, dear god, mother leave him alone, he came to help me with my math homework."
"And why are you even studying math for GOD'S SAKE, you want to be a psychologist, no need, for, FUCKING MATH!" Rika screamed, like sheesh mam, it is not that serious.
"AHH, mother." Sonezaki gasped.
"Oh, oh, I am so, so sorry." Rika said covering her mouth with her hand. "Let me make us some hot chocolate and then you can get to your math.
"Okay mother, c'mon Musla, can I call you Musla, I will call you Musla, let's sit down here." Inezaki said, showing her sofa. I didn't have anything against her calling me Musla, I hated my name anyways.
We sat down and shortly after Rika came with hot chocolate. She took her baby into her hands and started putting it to sleep.
"What is her name?" I asked while sipping my hot chocolate.
Rika looked at me and said "Sara."
"What a beautiful name. Why did you pick that one specifically? I asked Rika.
"It was the name of my husband's grandmother, she was a great woman." She responded to me.
"Oh, and where is your husband?" As I asked Inezaki started crying.
"After we had Sara, he became abusive, he would beat me whenever she cried, he did not want us to have Sara he wanted an abortion." Rika said through her tears. "If he would even catch Inezaki listening to him beating me he would beat her as well. We had terrible bruises from him. Inezaki could barely go to school. Until, until one day Inezaki had enough, she heard him beating me, took a knife and stabbed him 32 times through his chest. We buried him that day, moved here and never looked back." Poor Inezaki I thought.
"Ok, c'mon Musla, let's go do that math homework."
She grabbed my hand, stood up, and pulled me along. We entered her room, it was such a lively place. Open window with the curtains dancing with the wind, TV buzzing, papers on the desk, a messy bed. Visibly, somebody lives here. I got to work right away, she laid on her bed, resting her head on her hand. She was looking at me for the whole time there.
"Ok, your homework is done, and it is getting late, so I have to go." I told her as I stood up.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh, come on, please stay just a little longer." She begged and looked sad.
"I have to run, sorry." I said as I left her room.
I wished Rika and Sara a good night and left. Then I started climbing upstairs. I hoped "Please let this be the night." as I clutched my fists. Finally, I came to the roof, but there was somebody already there, standing on the edge of the roof. She had long black hair which stretched to her waist, wore a short black skirt, white high heels and long knee high black socks. She wore a short white shir with an exposed chest.
"STOP IT, DON'T DO IT PLEASE." I screamed at her.
She turned around and saw me before having a break down. I went to her and sat down right next to her.
"What makes you want to take this blessing away from yourself, and your loved ones?" I asked her.
"I had a loving family, a brother, mother and a father. I have some problems with my psyche, so I had to eat these candy to be stable. One day I forgot to eat some. I went to school and once I returned everything went on as normal. I had lunch with my family went to my room and was there for around 3 hours, Then, then" her voice trembled with fear "I remembered about the candy. I started rushing to the kitchen, to eat my candy. But on my way, I was attacked by these monstrous demon's. I, I, I, I, I was just so afraid. I rushed past them and got to the kitchen. I was rushing to find my candy before the demons came. I Finally found them. Quickly I ate them and took the biggest knife in the kitchen. As I pulled it out of the drawer one of the demons entered the kitchen. I quickly jumped onto it. It led out a blood boiling scream. I sliced its head clean off its head. There were two more demons remaining. They led out terrifying screams as they saw one of them get killed. I stood up and started rushing towards the two. The bigger one kicked me, throwing me to the ground. I crawled to its leg and stabbed it in it. He fell backwards, I took my knife and stabbed it directly through its small heart. I stood up and approached the last demon. It was crying. I stabbed it through its throat, so I didn't have to listen to its disgusting voice. Then I ran to my room and hid in the closet. I tried to fall asleep but all I could hear were their screams. Next morning I woke up. Carefully exited the closet. I left my room just to scent blood and see all my family brutally killed. Now all I hear are screams, and I, I, I don't know what to do!" The unfairity of this lady's situations touched me somewhere deep down. So, I did something that is considered bold. Grabbing her hand, I told her.
"Dear lady, your situation is more than just unfair. Feel free to come with me to my flat until we can get you back on your feet. What do you think?" I doubted that she would come with me, I mean, who would. I wouldn't have judged her if she declined. At the end of the day, I wouldn't have come with myself if I didn't have to.
"Really, you would do that for me, a psycho like me! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, thank you so, so, so, so, soooooo much. I cannot describe to you how grateful I am." She looked really touched. She was looking for me directly into my eyes. But I still don't understand why would she be so happy to live with someone like me."
She grabbed my hand and based on her body language she wanted to get closer but then her eye snapped back. She waved and said "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, need something." Confused, I asked.
"Is everything OK? Did you take your candy today?" I started getting a little worried, I know how unstable she can be without that "candy".
"Yes, yes. Everything is ok, and yes, I did take my candy. Thank you for asking. I just, it seemed like there was somebody there watching." she said, looking worried.
"Ok, let's go to my flat, it is just a few floor's down." I spoke standing up, giving her a helping hand.
We went down a few floors to my flat. I opened the door to that familiar feeling, the complete opposite of Sonezaki's flat. Dullness, death, disgust.
"Ok, you will be staying here for a while. It is nothing much. Come, let me show you where you will be sleeping." I told her as I walked into the flat, turned on the lights and started heading to my room. "So, this will be your bed while you are here." I told her as I showed her what was once my bed.
"Oh, but where will you sleep." She asked me in shock.
"Hmh, don't worry about me, go get some rest." I told her as I exited the room.
I did my evening routine: brush my teeth, get tomorrow's outfit, prepare my laptop and go to sleep. The very second, I touched that bed I fell asleep.
Day 3.
"Please daddy don't, STOP!" I screamed and pleaded to no avail. He beat me, I eventually stopped feeling pain, his belt would with each, and every hit dug deeper into my flesh, until the feeling of it not being there started feeling weird. My daddy would only whisper things to himself while beating me. He would say things like, "It is all your fault!" and "Why, did we have you?". Finally, after what felt like hours my mommy opened the door. I ran up to her, to hug her, but instead of love, again, all I got was a sharp look of sorrow. Then she said, with not even a single emotion in her voice.
"Why do you even try anymore? It won't do anything, and you know it well." She said, with pure agony in her voice.
"I know but, ......" My daddy said with despair.
"C'mon, let's do what we should have done a long time ago." My mommy said and she and daddy started leaving the house.
Before they had time to leave, I rushed and gave my mommy a hug. Then I asked her.
"Mommy, do you love me?" I asked her.
"No sweetie, I don't. And nobody will ever love you. Nobody loves you, you just ruined everything, I, I hate you." I was devastated, why does she hate me, what did I do to her? Why doesn't anyone love me? I kept asking myself through the purest tears of sorrow a human can make.
My parents rushed outside. I followed them. My tears dropped onto the floor like silent morning rain. They climbed onto the roof. They climbed onto the fence and held each other's hands.
"We will live together in spirit for all eternity together." My daddy said to my mommy.
"I am ready." My mommy said to my father.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed through my tears, but it was too late.
I ran down to the entrance and hugged them both. I was covered in their guts, all I could do was to scream to no avail.
"Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy!"
"Hey, hey, are you ok, do you need my candy." I woke up, it was that nightmare again, she was there, the girl from yesterday evening. She was in the same clothes as yesterday. It was just now that I realized that we haven't introduced each other yet."
"I am fine, I am fine. I do not need your candy, thanks. I am Muslammas. I've just now realized that we haven't introduced each other yet, what's your name?"
"Haha, you are silly. My name is Renata." She looked at me with care. "How are you feeling, are you sure you don't need my candy?" She asked me looking concerned.
"No, I don't, thanks." I told her still lying in my bed.
"Ok, if you are sure, c'mon, I made you some breakfast." She said while leaving. The only thing on my mind at the time was "Why would somebody make ME breakfast?"
Still in my pajamas I took out one of my bags of gold from my saving stash and went to the kitchen. I saw Renata siting at the table eating the breakfast that she made us.
"Morning sleepy head, have you finally decided to come." She smirked while talking and eating her pancakes. I sat down next to her and started eating some of the pancakes.
"Mhmmh, these are delicious, you really know what you are doing. And you know, ..., I've noticed that you are in the same clothes as yesterday, sooooooo, I was wondering..." I said while chewing. She blushed.
"Well, you know, after the incident, I didn't really have time to take much." She said going redder with every second.
"Here, take this." I pulled out the bag of gold and handed it to her.
"Wait, wait, wait! For what? Are you sure? You really don't need to do this, if anything I need to give it to you. You saved my life, gave me a space to live." She nervously said while almost choking on her food.
"Yes, you need this more than me." I calmly said to her.
"Even so, this is too much. With all this money you can buy yourself at least a brand-new car." She said red as a tomato.
"Don't be a drama queen, go and buy yourself some brand new clothes, shoes, really whatever you need. Alright?" I told her as I stood up and went to get dressed.
"Fine!" She spoke knowing that there was no other way.
I got dressed, took my bag and greeted Renata as I headed out of the flat. In the hallway I heard something that sounded like muffled crying. I shrugged it off as I went downstairs and exited the building. I took the bus to the university again. I was running short on time, unlike yesterday so I had to hurry. The bus was crowded. Roads on the other hand empty. Cars are too expensive, so most people walk or ride the bus to get to wherever they are going.
It was quiet today at the university. I had "Ins and outs of mental illness" for the first class of the day today, as well. We were doing schizophrenia today, but I just couldn't concentrate. I had way too many things on my mind. Renata popping up in my life just like that, what Sense told me yesterday. I feel very sorry for that poor kid. Neither did he or his sister deserve the situation they are in, and I am just purely useless. I can't help them, I can't tell them anything smart, and then, and then Sonezaki. She didn't even show up for university today. She worries me, but I just can't tell you why. Later I had my "Atoms, detailed look at theories and facts about atoms." class, but, guess what, Sense didn't even show up today. How could I even think of anything now? Only thing I could think about is whether he is alive or dead, and about his poor little sister. Finally, I was free from the university. I rushed to the hotel but, it felt dull today, it was full but, something was just lacking. I ordered the same coffee as last time. I pulled out my laptop and went onto the web page of my university. There with my student ID (13 666 12 8 11) I can access our school files. Only some very minor ones, but more importantly, other student accounts. After a while I found him. Albert Senze. Addressee: Tal der Genies 3. I drank up my coffee and rushed over to his house to check on him. His street was beautiful. Everything was mechanical. From butterflies to children. Talking about them, they were playing in a backyard. They looked oddly creepy, it felt like they wanted a soul so, so bad but they just couldn't have one. Eyes looked full of joy but empty. Their movement was oddly organic but still mechanical. I didn't even try knocking because I still had to get to Senze's house, and I did not have time to wait.
Finally, I got to Senze's house. The backyard had an overly complicated security system. On it his sister greeted me.
"Hello good sir!!! How can I help you?" she asked me with a cheerful voice.
"Hi, I came to visit Albert Senze." I told her.
"Oh, ok, I'll get him right away!" she said so cheerfully.
The house was huge, it had a gigantic backyard with an overly complicated security system. The house had gigantic gates, like a castle as a front door. The house was quite big and very technologically advanced.
Finally, out of those giant doors Senze came out, and spoke.
"Muslammas, fancy seeing you here. Why did you come? He asked, clearly meaning no harm.
"Ohhh, I just came to check on you. You weren't at the university today, so I came to see is everything alright." While I was telling him that his little sister came out of the house, and while jumping made at least four circles around me. She scanned me from head to toe.
"Oh, yes, yes. I am fine, I guess. C'mon come inside, I will make us some coffee." He said nervously, his eyes red, clothes messier than the usual.
"Oh, no thanks, I had a coffee on my way here." I said embarrassed.
"Come on, just one coffee so we can catch up." He said while shaking.
"Ok, fine." His sister jumped out of excitement as soon as I spoke, Senze just nodded and entered the house. As I was entering the house his little sister held the door open for me. That poor little girl, so frail, so cheerful, always a smile on that poor girls face, behind it hiding such great pain. She was thinner than a tooth pick, her hair was very frail and gray.
Their house was enormous. It all felt so futuristic, everything was automated. Their floors were made out of what looked like quartz. Their chandeliers instead of glass were made of diamonds. Instead of any screens they used interactive holograms. I sat down opposite of Senze on their giant circular couch made out of the most comfortable fur I ever felt in my life. And his sister sat right beside me. She wore an almost transparent dress made out of what looked like pure silk. It looked like it was originally all red with a bit of white, and then like something ate all the red, leaving mostly white.
"What is your name dear?" I asked her with as dear of a voice as I could fake.
"Cadaver!!!" She said as happily as it gets.
"What illness do you have dear?" I asked her with the same voice as I could.
"She has "Radiorum Necrosis"." He said with a depressed tone of voice.
"I have never heard of it before, what is it?" I asked, confused.
"You remember the tragedy of 26th of April 1986. The explosion of the Pripyat. The terrorist attack on our power plant, from what was once the west part of the land of progress, after which the war between what was once a united land began, separating us into Neglegens, once the west part of The Land of progress, the land of cruelty, pain and biology, and us. Anyways, my sister and my parents were on a trip there when it all went down. Our parents died, it was a miracle Cadaver even managed to survive all of that, sadly she was left with this illness. She is the first ever bearer of it. Doctors ran a multitude of experiments to find out what is happening, and that only because we had loads of money. They found out that all her cells began to decompose because of the energy released from the explosion, permanently damaging her cells." He said on the verge of tears.
"But, don't cells split, we do not have a fixed number of cells." I said, trying to understand all this info dumping that happened.
"You are right there, but sadly, her body is completely fucked. Her cells instead of splitting would just pop, dyeing in the very same moment. Luckily, after extensive experimenting doctors found out that a certain combination of vitamins and minerals can help her cells split, and they've also found out that the opposite combination of vitamins and minerals can completely stop the process from happening, stopping the loss of cells in the body. But that medication is extremely expensive, and you know what… "He told me motioning me to change the topic. Poor Cadaver was completely oblivious to what was happening to her.
"And dear Cadaver, how is it in school?" I asked.
"Oh, it is great, I love school. I have this one friend, her name is Macayla, she is so kind. And above all, we adore gossiping about others. And you won't believe what happened, yesterday, teacher Ana hooked up with a male student, worst part, he is 15. Now she is fa..." She said all with a huge smile and excitement in her eyes. I could barely look at her without tearing up.
We continued sipping our coffees, I said goodbye and went my way.
As I walked, I could only think of Cadaver, poor girl with so much joy held back by her circumstances. Then I remembered that Renata was still at my place, so I started thinking about her. What could she be up to? Finally, I came to my building. I entered it, went to my floor and entered my flat. When I opened the door, I felt a certain feeling of warmth. The lights were on, and it all felt alive. Renata was waiting for me, the flat was nice and tidied.
"Hi, Mr. Nowhere to be found, how was your day?" she asked me warmly. "I made you lunch, mashed potatoes and steak, I didn't know how you like it, so I made it medium rare. Also, I made you a Cesar salad as a side dish." Only thing I asked myself was why. Why does she care?
"Thank you very much, but I have one question. Why? Why do you care for me?" I asked her.
"Why do you care for me?" she asked puzzled.
"Because you are a human life, you deserve care." I told her agitatedly.
"And you just answered your question, The same stands for you." She came closer and took my arm, and led me to the already set table, before sitting me down, then. Then she sat down opposite me. "Enjoy your dinner know." she told me warmly.
As I was eating, she asked me.
"You know, I still didn't buy myself new clothes, so I thought that you could come with me to help me choose. What do you say?"
"Yes, I am down!" I told her while eating.
"Great! It's a deal then!" She said happily.
"By the way, this steak is absolutely amazing. How did you learn to cook like this?" I asked her.
"Oh, you know, my mother taught me while she was still alive." She told me a little sad. "By the way, what do you study at that university"
"Oh, psychology what about you."
"I studied biology, I was at my last year, I specifically went to the route of an a surgent, and a biological scientist." she said proudly.
"We have to get you back to school, such a talent can't be wasted." I told her.
I finished my meal and got up from my chair. I got myself ready to go to the mall with Renata, and once I was finished, I came back to the living room. There I found Renata waiting with a sad face.
"What's wrong Renata, you look sad?" I asked her.
"Well, you see, I don't have clothes to go shopping, these are by now worn out." She told me, with a sad tone.
"Come with me." I told her as I started heading to what is now her room. Deep in the closet I dug out an old box, out of it I pulled out a beautiful red dress, black high heels, red lipstick, gold earrings and a gold hairpin.
"Here, this was once my mothers, but know you get to have it." I told her with a smile. Renata burst into tears and ran out into the kitchen. I rushed over to see what was wrong. She sat there, on the floor of the kitchen, crying. I sat down next to her and started comforting her.
"Renata, what's wrong?" I asked her as I placed my hand on her shoulder."
"Nothing dear!" she said while wiping the tears off her face. She then grabbed my face by my cheeks, looked me in the eyes and hugged me. "It is just that you reminded me of my brother, he too had that stupid smile." Now only thing that I was thinking about was "Why is she hugging ME?" But regardless, we stood up, and she went to shower and get dressed.
After around 30 or so minutes she came out, she was gorgeous. We exited the flat and started heading towards the mall.
"So, where are we going?" she asked excitedly.
"There is a mall nearby, they have excellent clothes, it is a 10 minute walk from here. What do you say?" I told her as we were leaving the building.
"Great!" She spoke.
We calmly walked together to the mall. The night was quiet, a few cars every now and again. And we weren't walking near a bus road, so we saw no buses. We calmly walked to the mall. Finally, when we arrived the atmosphere was nice, the buzzing of the people, the beeps of the cash registers. I didn't shop in so long that I missed this feeling. Renata was like a child in a candy shop. She said that she needs about 7-8 outfits, so she went shopping. One of her outfits was flamboyant, with a long pink dress, a cape that stretches from her left arm to the right, and then falls covering her waist, big lavender colored boots, large black sunglasses, yellow earrings and a green lipstick. Another one of her outfits was quiet. She had a long black dress that would cover her feet, red heels and a red lipstick. Then she asked me to choose her one, so I did. An elegant black shit of very long sleeves made out of wool, a skirt that would go to her knees, it was black with purple highlights, some black shoes with purple lases, a purple, a purple scarf and a purple lipstick. Nothing special, but elegant. I never saw Renata this happy before, and I even felt a certain feeling of warmth within my chest. We slowly started walking back home, Renata spent almost the whole bag of gold, but we had at least eight bags of clothes and a few bags of food.
"I think that we are set for a month with all of this." I told her with a smile.
"For sure, plus we had a ton of fun. Right?" She told me while jumping back home.
Finally, after 15 minutes of walking from the mall we came to my building. But something felt wrong.
"Renata is it just me or does the street smell of blood." I told her while walking. But she just stood there with a thousand-yard stare. I aproached her and waved Infront of her face but nothing. "Renata, are you okay?" I asked her, grabbing her by her cheeks.
"Yes, yes, I am alright." She told me. "It is just that this smell reminds me of THAT morning." She told me and continued walking. "You've got so much joy in your eyes. Are you usually like that or just today?" She asked me while smiling.
"Do I really have joy in my eyes or is she just exaggerating?" Was the only question I kept asking myself. I stayed silent and did not answer her question.
Finally, we came back to our building, but the sight was anything but welcoming. There she lay, in her own blood and guts. Her lifeless eyes looking directly into mine, letting free all joy still trapped in them. Renata cried out for help and went to hug her lifeless body. She screamed and cried but to no avail, she was already gone. There she lay, what was my only friend for the longest time, Sonezaki. I just stood there, I felt like my own soul left my body. If I just tried to do it today, I could've saved her. The chaos around me was unreal. Renata crying and hugging Sonezaki. Neighbours calling police. Sonezaki's mother hugging Sara, rain falling and then me, just standing there doing nothing as always. I took Renata's bags and went back to our flat.
I barely unlocked the door. And once barely in the atmosphere was cold and depressing. I went and sat down on the couch. I thought about what the actual fuck is happening. It all felt perfect moments ago and now all my life is crashing down. So, then I saw Renata's new clothes, so I decided to go and put them in her closet. I carefully hanged her clothes in her closet. Then I went back to the living room and saw the police lights, just to be reminded of what I saw moments ago.
I let out a long sigh and fell on my bed, instantly passing out.
Day 4
"No, no please, it is not my fault."
"You killed me Muslammas, it was your absence that led to my death, are you happy?"
"Are you crazy, of course I am not happy, none of this should've happened!"
"Muslammas, are you okay? Please answer me! I can't lose you too."
I heard her voice and woke up. She sat next to me and sobbed while trying to wake me up.
"Renata, are you okay! Why are you crying?" I asked her, still half asleep. As soon as she heard my voice her eyes lit up and she hugged me.
"I thought I lost you too for a second." She told me through her tears, behind her joy still so much pain from last night.
"You see what you've done. Are you proud of yourself?"
"How is all of this my fault?!"
"..."
"Answer me!!!" I screamed yet to no avail.
"MUSLAMMAS!" Renata grabbed my hand. "Are you okay? Do you need my candy?" She asked me, the joy which hid her sadness in her eyes before, turned into pure fear.
"No, no thanks. I just need some fresh air." I stood up and went to change from my pajamas.
Today I wasn't going to go to university. I just couldn't get myself to go out there without her. I changed my clothes and went out, I went to Rika's house to give her my condolences. I came in front of her flat and started knocking, and after about 30 seconds she finally answered.
"Yes, what is it?" She opened the door, her eyes doll from what I imagined was all the crying.
"Good day miss, mine and Renata's hearts go out to you during this time of sorrow." I told her tear dripping of my face.
"Oh, dear boy, thank you. Come, come enter!" She told me with a bit of joy peeking out of her dull eyes.
I entered and sat down on their couch. The only difference being that she is not now with us.
"Here I just made some hot chocolate, we can talk while drinking it." She told me with a smile that she barely managed to fake.
"Thank you miss Rika. Do you maybe know what happened yesterday.?" I asked her as respectfully as I could.
"Well, I am not sure." She barely mumbled through her tears. "Day before yesterday, shortly after you left, she went to throw the garbage. She shortly came back in a rush, ignored me and went straight to her room. Then she locked her room, and I couldn't enter for the next whole day. Then tomorrow she did not leave her room. I knocked but nothing, and I just wanted to give her space. Until I went to do laundry, I was in there for at least 30 minutes before I heard screaming from outside. Her room was wide open, I rushed down, and there I saw her." She started crying even harder. Her tears poured down like a waterfall.
"Mam, may I go to her room." I asked Rika as politely as I could.
"Yes, yes dear. Feel free to go and see, everyone copes on their own ways."
So, I did. I went to her room and checked for any more reasons for why she did what she did.
Her room was anything but a lively place. Shut windows curtains still without a sign of wind, TV off, her table tidy with only a note and a book and her bed perfectly tidied as well. Her room felt dead. I went and read the note on her table.
Dear mamma, please don't read what is within this book, I want Musla to have this. That is my last wish.
That is what was written on her final note, covered in tears. Underneath there was that book she wanted me to have, so I took it and started reading it.
Wednesday 25. 9. 2058.
I just can't believe daddy will leave us. Poor mamma, she must take care of us while making money and paying bills alone. But at least this city is fabulous. Extra points our Neighbour is very cute...
Monday 11. 10. 2058.
Today I started going to university. I love psychology so I really want to be a psychologist. And the best part of the university so far is that I share classes with my cute neighbor...
Thursday 19. 11. 2058.
I just don't understand anymore. WHAT DID I DO WRONG! Why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? It has already been a month since I moved in, and I can barely name a friend. While my neighbor (His name is Muslammas), it's like he is ignoring me.
Friday 6. 12. 2058.
I still don't have any friends to name, but at least I found a way to get closer to Muslammas. I must force more interactions between us.
Tuesday 7. 1. 2059.
NO, NO, WHY! DOES HE REALLY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND? AND IF NOT, WHO IS THAT GIRL SO CLOSE TO HIM AND TOUCHING HIM ON THE ROOF, HOW DOES HE EXPLAIN THIS!!!
This world simply hates me. I finally understand that. There is no love left for me here.
Wednesday 8. 1. 2059.
Musla, if you are reading this...thank you. You opened my eyes to the fact that there is no love for me in this cruel and unforgiving world. I will be leaving now, if you care you may join me, feel free.
Just wanted to tell you that I always loved you.
See you on the other side.
I flipped through those heart tearing pages, and I feel read enough.
"See, you did kill me. When will you finally accept that? You can't always run from your responsibilities." I just ignored the voice, said goodbye to Rika and went to my flat.
I opened the door to our flat, the air was dull but the beautiful smell coming from the kitchen still gave the flat some depth. Renata stood in the kitchen preparing lunch right as I came in.
"Hi, Muslammas, I am just preparing lunch. Care to sit down with me and eat something?" She told me while in the kitchen. I came to our table and sat down. Renata made us some creamy pasta with cheese.
"Renata, did you know miss Sonezaki?" I asked her while eating amazing pasta that she managed to cook up in our kitchen.
"No, I did not know her. Why?" She asked me while eating that damn good pasta.
"Why did you cry then? When you saw her dead, why did you let your tears stream down your beautiful cheeks?" I asked her enjoying what can only be described as god's work of pasta.
She looked at me in shock and said "Of course I cried, that person took away their own life. Imagine the terror of her family, friends. I am sorry if you don't understand that. Plus, I am sure she was a good person." She told me, almost insulted.
"Yes, she was a great person, and even greater friend." I told Renata.
The rest of the lunch was silent. We didn't talk much, just enjoyed our pasta. Once I finished eating, I went to study and do what I missed today at the university. It was mostly nothing, they were just confirming old lessons through quizzes. Then I went to study for our next test. It is about depression. I studied causes of depression, symptoms, repercussions of depression and finally, how to treat it.
Finally, when I finished it was about 21:30.
"Come on, do it. Join me, I know you want to."
It was right. I sneaked out of the flat and went to the roof. As I opened the door separating my building's interior and rooftop, I saw a familiar face.
"SENZE! GET AWAY FROM THAT LEDGE THIS VERY SECCOND!" I screamed at him. He turned around in Schock as he heard my voice.
"W-what are you doing here?" He asked me in what seemed like shock.
"What, you mean on top of MY building, you better sit down there and explain me what is going on!" I went and sat down next to him near the ledge of the roof top. Soon he followed. "Tell me, why do you want to end it?"
"It, it's the stress. I just can't take it anymore. I can't come home every day and see my sister basically on her death bed. I can't go to my workshop knowing that if I don't finish this invention, we won't have enough money to pay taxes. I just can't take it anymore. Even the house reminds me of once alive parents. So, I thought why live a life if I can't enjoy it." He told me with a cracking voice barely speaking through his tears.
"So, you just hate your sister!?" I told him with a cold voice not having the courage to look him in the eyes.
"No! NO, NO, No, no, of course not! What is wrong with you, I love her more than myself!" He told me, voice shaking.
*SLAP! *
"Then get a hold of yourself. If not for yourself live for your sister. She needs you the most right now. You can't just walk away from the circle of violence. If you want a better life for your sister, yourself and people like me. LIVE, live to make a change if nothing else." I told him, barely keeping eye contact holding him by his cheeks. "Do you know Sonezaki, we shared a class?"
"Uhhh, yes, I do remember her. Why?" He asked me confused. "Even thou, now that you do bring it up; I haven't seen her in a while."
"She ended it here yesterday." He looked at me in shock as I muffled the words I myself hate. "That is why we live Senze, to remember the ones who aren't with us anymore and to minimize the amount the people who aren't with us anymore. There is a future in you Senze, I know it. You have what it takes to make a change."
A light of joy and purpose lit up in his before dead eyes as he said "Thank you, you really are a great psychiatrist I hope you know that."
"Thank you, by the way, why did you come to jump of this building. It isn't that close to your house nor is this building that high." I asked him as he was preparing to leave.
"Hah, I hoped to see the best psychiatrist in the city so he can talk me out of it. Luckily, I did! I have to go, see you soon." He told me as he was leaving the balcony and heading to the building exit.
"Jump! Do it, end it! Join me in the world beyond."
"No, no, I can't. I can't end it while he is so near, and I just talked him out of ending it. I can't end it now." I told her.
"C'mon, no one will care once you are dead. Trust ME, I know best."
"Tomorow." I answered her and went back to my flat.
As I entered the flat Renata was already asleep. She must be tired from all the work around the house she does. I prepared an outfit for tomorrow and my bag, got ready for bed and went to sleep.
Day 5.
"C'mon, wake up Muslammas, God, they gave you an ugly name. WAKE UP, we must do something."
"Huh, grandpa, what are you doing here? What even happened?" My grandpa stood Infront of my bed, and I laid in my bed. Last, I remember something bad happened.
"I am here to sort out the mess your parents made." He told me nervously. Grandpa is a skinny tall old man. He is basically just bone and skin. He is nice thou, but always busy.
"Where even are my parents?" I asked, confused.
"Definitely not seven feet under, nor will they be, they don't deserve it. What I can say for sure is that they are in the same place as your grandma. But c'mon now. Get up, I must teach you basics." He told me rushing around the room.
I finally got up and went to the kitchen with him.
"Ok, today you are cooking breakfast yourself. I will help you for what is necessary." He told me as he sat down at the table.
This wasn't my first time cooking, we have a subject in school to learn how to cook, and I had to practice a lot at home. Mom just isn't always feeling well enough to cook. So, I easily cooked up some pancakes and we had breakfast.
Then, grandpa led me out of our flat for what he calls the next lesson.
"Now, you will be navigating around town with as little of my help as possible. You will be leading us to the supermarket."
Luckily this wasn't the first time that I was on my own in the city. Dad sometimes gets quite angry. But I had no problem getting us to the supermarket. And it is quite close anyways. Once we got there, grandpa taught me the next lesson.
"Now we will be buying what we need from the supermarket. Remember, before leaving the house to get to the supermarket always make yourself a list of everything that you need. You don't want to forget something, nor buy yourself something you don't need. You must buy everything from this list for as little money as possible. This time I made you the list, normally you have to make it yourself." He told me. Still anxious.
This lesson was easy, I would say impossible to fail. You just have to find where that item you are looking for is and the smallest price tag. After which, I navigated our way back home and grandpa taught me my next lesson.
"Chores. I will now teach you how to do your chores. None of them are that complicated, and I believe that you already know some of them."
So then first I showed him which chores I know. I know how to sweep the floor, how to mop the floor, do the dishes and wash the windows. Then grandpa taught me how to load the dishwasher, the dishwasher and the dryer. I took notes on it, so I hope I do well. Then I had to make lunch. I made some simple pasta. Right before grandpa took me out to teach me my "most important" lesson.
"Now, I will be teaching you how to do your taxes. You only have to do this once a month, but it is certainly complicated."
Then he went ahead to teach me the hardest thing I ever saw in my admittedly short life. I hope I do get a hang of it. Finally, it was time for dinner where we ate some chicken with mashed potatoes and some gravy. While eating, grandpa told me a few more very important things.
"So, dear child, I will be leaving tomorrow. I will be gone for a week. When I return, I will bring you 6 bags of gold. After which, every month I will be sending you 3 bags. So please be careful how you spend it. Prioritize your taxes first, and then what you really need. The rest you should save. My advice. Finally, when it comes to buying clothes, it goes the same as when buying groceries. Only what you need the most and always have a few outfits to wear." He told me worried.
"Grandpa, are mommy and daddy in the closet?" I asked him equally as worried.
"Yes, but don't worry. What is left of them will be leaving with me tomorrow."
Soon we finished dinner, and grandpa went to put me to bed.
"Don't worry dear, I will always be there for you." He told me with a smile.
"Grandpa! Will mommy and daddy return with you next week." I asked him.
"Oh dear, they are gone, and that is a good thing, c'mon repeat with me."
"They are gone, and that is a good thing."
"They are gone, and that is a good thing."
"They are gone, and that is a good thing."
"She is gone, and that is a good thing."
"She is gone, and that is a bad thing."
"She is gone, and that is a bad thing."
"Muslammas! You really have to take my candy. This is getting out of control. C'mon, wake up!!!"
And then I am awake, in the same bed just around 13 years later and instead of my grandpa being over me it is Renata.
"Did you take your candy Renata?" I asked her.
"I did, now come on, come and eat your breakfast." She told me leaving the room.
"Are you today finally coming with me to the beyond, so we can spend our eternity's together, uh Musla."
There I turned around to see Sonezaki, as beautiful as ever standing in my room still talking to me.
"A-are you real? A-are you alive?" I asked her as my voice trembled through pure fear and joy. I couldn't believe my eyes.
"No, no I am not dear Musla I am gone, but that doesn't mean we can't be together. I know you want it, so why not? Let's be in the great beyond together, Musla."
"Muslammas, for god's sake, come on already, it will get cold." She screamed at me.
As I turned around to look at the door and then looked back at Sonezaki; and she was gone. So, I went to the kitchen for breakfast. Renata made us some eggs and pancakes. We ate in silence, nobody had anything to say, I guess. So, after breakfast I went and got dressed for university.
As I walked towards the bus she spoke again.
"Ah, Musla, I just love our walks towards the university. I can't wait to see you on the other side, there we can walk like this all day, every day. No responsibilities, no stress, no hate, pure peace. When are you coming with me Musla?" She walked by me in the same outfit she wore 3 days ago. Walking by me like nothing happened.
"Soon, soon we will be together aga..." I spoke as someone shouted.
"HEY! YOU GOOD, NEED HELP?" He yelled from the other side of the street. I ignored him, but when I looked back, she was gone.
I got onto the bus where the ride was peaceful. It is Friday, so the atmosphere is peaceful. Everyone minding their own business, getting ready for the weekend.
Finally, I got to my university. As I said before, it was peaceful. Most of my classes today are from a singular subject, ethics. I never shared this with Sonezaki nor Senze, making it that much more boring now.
"Can I come with you? I will at least be learning something instead of tooting away in the library." She told me, standing next to me.
"Yes, yes feel free to come with me." I told her before looking at the students around me. They all had a worried expression washed up on their faces. And again, when I looked back, she was... gone.
Ethics passed by quite quickly, it is as boring of a subject as it gets. I basically slept through it. And the same was for the rest of the subjects, only thing that worried me was that I didn't see Senze.
Finally, we were free for the weekend. So, instead of going straight home, I decided to go check up on Senze. I took the same path as the last time I came. I always admire how advanced this street is, I just can't get over it.
"This street is beautiful. Isn't it? I wonder how is it that I've never been here before." She said, again walking besides me.
"It truly is beautiful." I told her with a smile.
"Who are you going to visit again? A friend of yours?" she asked me, while cheerfully, almost jumping around.
"Yes, we are going off to see a friend, his name is Sense, he is brilliant, just sadly he isn't doing the best when it comes to his psyche."
We came to Sense's house, he was in the yard, throwing out the trash.
"Hey, Sense!" I yelled so he could hear me.
"Hi, Muslammas. How are you doing." He asked me and came closer to me.
"As, bad as possible." I told him with a smile. "Why didn't you come to the university today?" I asked him.
"Ah, Cadaver isn't doing so well, so I stayed home to nurture her." He told me with a worried expression.
"Oh, can I go and see her." I asked him worriedly.
"Better not, she will get excited, which will just worsen her condition even more."
"Oh, okay. Then we will be on our way. See you tomorrow." I said as we started turning around and heading home.
"O-okay, see you soon." He waved goodbye, but his expression was a mix between worried and confused.
"What do you think, he is a nice guy." I told Sonezaki, but once again, she was... gone. So, I slowly made my way back home alone. The day was quiet, and when I finally arrived it was 6 pm.
Renata was waiting for me patiently in the flat. She cooked us lunch, but looking at the time, it was more of a dinner. She made us a steak with some mashed potatoes with wine on the side and for dessert, a fruit salad. I sat down at the table, next to Renata, and we started talking.
"Renata, what are you planning for the future?" She looked at me confused and a little shocked. And then she answered.
"Well, first I have to make a new identity, nobody has recognized me yet, but if they do end up figuring out who I am I will go to an asylum, which truly is the place I want to be in the least at the moment. Then with a new identity, I would go back to university and get a degree, so I could start my studies." She told me while eating her food."
"And what is this study of yours exactly?" I wanted to know what kind of world problem would such a gifted mind solve.
"Oh, well, I always wanted to cure cancer. It killed my grandma. So, I got the inspiration from there." She told me, clearly sad. "And why aren't you eating." She asked me a little mad.
"W-well I am, I-I just don't have any appetite to eat right now. Why?" She glared at me, clearly worried.
"Muslammas, you have eaten barely anything today. You are thinner than a tooth pick. If you continue like that you will die." She yelled at me. Clearly worried for me.
"I-I just am not hungry, sorry." I got up and left the room. It was already very late, around 19.
"Musla, are you going to do it now. The sooner you do it, sooner we will be reunited, and I cannot wait for that." She was here again, this time she wore a beautiful white dress, even more beautiful white shoes and a cathedral veil on the back of her head.
"Yes, I will. But before, just let me write something." I told her and went to write.
Dear Renata,
I just wanted to leave you this letter before I go. I just wanted to tell you that you may stay in this house for as long as you wish. In mail you will be getting around 1.4 million dollars monthly in gold. Make sure to take it, and don't let anybody see you. There are 2 safes in the house. One behind the mirror in the bathroom, code for it is 720 000. And there is one in your room, in the closet, on the very bottom of it. You will have to dig a bit to find it, the code for it is 933. Take everything you need and build a beautiful future for yourself.
Muslammas.
So, before heading out, I left the letter on the table, and I went to the roof. I shook with excitement as I opened those doors and there was no soul on the roof. I got out of my shoes and aproached the fence.
"Now you see this is how it was when I came here 2 days ago." She told me as she aproached me from behind and climbed the fence. Giving me a helping hand. I grabbed her hand and climbed up as well. As I held her hand, she took my other hand and spoke.
"We shall now be united, forever, as death shall not do us part, nor any sickness. We shall be united in happiness no matter what." Her voice was beautiful, it pierced all sadness I might have felt, so then I spoke.
"We shall be reunited once again after the deed is done, no sadness, no poorness, nor even death again shall do us part." She looked at me with joy before speaking.
"So, is it finally the time?" I looked at her, all my uncertainty, turning into determination as I spoke.
"I-I guess it finally is." I spoke as I jumped. Only memories of the ones who I will miss the most flashed through my mind, even thou there weren't that many. I thought of Renata, and her beautiful future. Senze and Cadaver and their tough journey to overcome her deadly illness. A tear dripped slowly of my face as I asked.
"Is... it finally... over?"