Ryu Tanaka's last memory was hurling his controller at the screen. Eternal Valdris Online had glitched again—third time that week. He'd spent six hours grinding a raid boss, only for the loot drop to be a single pixelated sock. "Fix your damn game!" he'd yelled, right before the power surged and his rig sparked like a fireworks finale. Then, darkness.
Now, he was falling. Fast. Wind roared past his ears, and a stench hit him—wet fur and something like burnt tacos. Ryu's eyes snapped open mid-plummet, just in time to see a cave floor rushing up. Above him, a glowing blue rift pulsed, spitting out random junk: a chair, a rubber duck, half a sandwich. Below, a pack of goblins snarled, waving rusty daggers like they'd won the lottery.
"Shitshitshit—" Ryu flailed, no parachute, no plan. A translucent screen popped up in his vision, flickering like a bad CRT monitor:
[System 2.0 Initialized. Welcome to Valdris, Player: Ryu Tanaka. Class Assigned: Glitch Knight. Weapon Bonded: Snarkfang. Objective: Survive.]
The text glitched, letters swapping places: Snarfkang. Surivve. Then, a sword materialized in his hand—black steel, jagged edges, glowing red runes. It vibrated and spoke.
"Nice landing, dipshit. Try not to splatter on day one."
Ryu yelped, nearly dropping it. "What the hell?!"
The ground was seconds away. Instinct kicked in—he swung the sword, hoping for some anime-style air slash. Instead, a gout of green gas erupted from the blade, stinking of rotten eggs. The goblins below gagged, one puking mid-cackle. The gas slowed Ryu's fall like a fart-powered parachute, and he hit the dirt in a roll, crashing into a stalagmite. Pain flared—real pain. This wasn't VR. This was isekai'd.
The system dinged again: [Skill Unlocked: Stink Slash (Rank F). Effect: Deals 1 damage, 100% chance to disgust. Cooldown: 30 seconds.]
"Stink Slash? Are you kidding me?" Ryu groaned, scrambling up. The sword pulsed.
"Could've been worse. Last guy got 'Trip Over Nothing.' You're welcome."
"Shut up, you—" He ducked as a goblin lunged, dagger aimed at his throat. Ryu swung Snarkfang again. This time, a glitchy pixel wave shot out, clipping the goblin's arm off—except the arm kept attacking, flopping like a possessed fish. The system flickered: [Critical Hit! +5 EXP. Bug Detected: Detachable Limbs.]
The other goblins charged, five of them, drooling and screeching. Ryu backpedaled, slashing wildly. Snarkfang misfired half the time—one swing sparked a disco light show, dazzling a goblin into dancing; another spawned a loaf of bread that bonked Ryu's own head. [Item Gained: Stale Baguette (1 HP restored if you dare).] "This system's drunk!" he yelled.
"Or you're just trash," Snarkfang retorted. "Swing me harder, noob."
Ryu gritted his teeth. He'd beaten Dark Souls blindfolded—this was child's play, bugs or not. He baited two goblins into a corner, then triggered Stink Slash. The gas cloud exploded bigger this time, glitching into a neon-pink mist. The goblins choked, one passing out, the other clawing its own eyes. [Double Kill! +10 EXP. Bug Escalation: Toxic Party Fog.]
A new popup blinked: [Quest Assigned: Slay 10 Goblins. Reward: 50 Gold, Random Gear. Time Limit: 10 Minutes.] Ryu smirked—easy. He hacked down two more, Snarkfang cackling with each hit. But at goblin number five, the system spazzed: [Quest Complete! Reward: Pet Rock.] A pebble plopped into his hand, googly eyes glued on. The remaining goblins froze, then bolted, screaming about "the rock lord."
"Wait, what?!" Ryu stared at the rock. "Five isn't ten! Where's my gold?"
Snarkfang snorted. "Welcome to Valdris, bug-boy. System's got more holes than your strategy."
The cave trembled. A roar echoed deeper in—something big, pissed, and not goblin-sized. Ryu pocketed the pet rock, gripping Snarkfang tighter. "Any tips, wiseass?"
"Yeah. Run. Or glitch harder. Your funeral."
The rift above spat out a toaster. Ryu sighed. This was gonna be a long day.