i'm 18, how did i become 18?, i still don't understand why time flies so quickly, i was just 15 playing dbd with salem moments ago, and look at me, an 18yo
living alone, crying alone, away from my house's problems, away from my brothers, who did things i can't even write about, I hate it.
living alone may sound fancy to some people but it's afwul, i miss my mom waking me up everyday to go to school, i miss when she made me food, i miss when she gave me medicine.
i miss mom.
i miss my old room.
i miss my old self.
I just want to go back in time and redo everything, not meet alot of people, enclose myself on a partecilar group only, but what can i say.
collage is awful, the people there are atleast 4 years older than me, the closest one is 20yo, i entered collage and started living alone when i was 17,
my friends there are not really friends, just classmates. we don't even text eachother and only talk once a day in collage.
it strains the person. sometimes i feel pathetic for no reason, sometimes its because someone said something to me that unknowingly to him, made me feel bad for 2 days straight.
why do simple words affect me?
i don't have a personality at all, my persona is from everyone I met so far, my real self is yet to be out.
i wonder when will I hit my prime?
I miss when i was watching anime then go and play with salem dbd with no concerns at all.
I miss when my pc wasn't good.
I hate english.
why did I learn this language?
i don't know, to explore perhaps? maybe, but what i'm sure of is that i hate it.
my mind is blank sometimes, it's great when it happens, because there's only emotions but no thoughts, when i was 10, I was going to kms at a certain point, i still remember when I held the knife right next to my throut.
it felt weird, as if i can easily do it, but then I withdrew my hand, i don't why i did that, i could've died without going to ghannam, i could've be one of ganna's birds.
i could've.
now that i'm a big boy, i feel burdened, 2 of my brothers got in and out of jail at the same time and their salary decreaced from 7000 each to 1500 each, the third one is jobless. and here i am, 50% of my salary goes to the family, and i pay for the rest 25% to the rent.
its awful.
burdened.
I hate it.
i despise it.
i hate myself.
i cant help but cry writing this. when will i die.
why am i burdened to this extint, why is it me who was born.
why didn't i kms when i was 10.
today i woke up with a dry throut, and guess what, ITS RAMADAN WHERE I MUST FAST, so now i hate myself again.
I just want to delete all the responspilities that i have. i just want to play dbd with my friends again.
I miss my cringe old self. i remember when I made weird sounds in the voice call so my friends can laugh, they didn't laugh at that time and I cringed. it was funny that I remember it now.
my brothers sold my newly bought ps4 when I was 11, mom bought it from my aunt for me at that time, and they didn't even spare me the time to play and sold it by their own.
i hate it.
it's not like i didn't vent to anyone, i did vent to salem when i was 16, he understood me. i felt warmth at that time, but after 2 years , when i started living alone, everything got on me and I vented to talal.
oh how i didn't want it to happen, and i regreted it. since then I decided to just carry everything on my back. it's not like i don't have friends, i do have online friends and alot, but my antics with them make me feel pathetic.