It was hard to breathe living in a house of death and sickness, constantly feeling like I was losing myself. Keep the sadness inside; do not let anyone see; keep it all within are the words I grew up with. Always smile. The world does not care. Family will always be there, as if sharing blood meant anything. Throughout the years, I have longed for death, but it simply will not come God only gives what you can handle, is a load of bullshit people says to justify the distorted world we live in. How can I ever be myself when I have always been what others wanted and needed? At no point in time have I ever done what I wanted, let alone what I needed. Supposedly, God will reward me when I am dead as if that made any sense.

Who needs a reward in death who is to say when you die, you do not end up working in the afterlife, being reborn, or simply having your soul extinguished? It is always do this, do that, it is your job, it is your duty. So long as everyone else gets what they want and need fuck my needs fuck my wants.

They take and take, hardly ever giving back, and when you state a fact, it is suddenly throwing it in their face.

Pray they say God will fix it. How can you not believe he exists when he is all around us? It is simple: there is no such thing as a God or Gods. The notion of an omnipotent being is just meant to keep mortals in line. Apparently, without a higher being, mortals lack all morality. All religions are right, and all religions are wrong. Only fools believe their God to be the one true God. Only fools will argue they are the only right ones. The world is vast, and as it is vast, it is whole. If there is one God, then there are many Gods, for there is not one ethnic group but many. As such, the belief in many Gods is far more logical than one true God. Yet they will fight for their God with tooth and nail as if doing so was a grand honor.

You may deem these the ramblings of a mad person, but we are all mad to some extent. If you do not like what you are reading, then move on. This is not for you. After all, these are the ramblings of a mad person. No need to get offended unless, for whatever reason, you care for the thoughts of a mere stranger.

Mortals are the most imperfect creatures, yet the most obsessed with perfection, and the most obsessed with appearances. As you read on, you will find my thoughts scattered, but that is alright. The human mind is not filled with a neatly organized storage compartment, and if you think otherwise, you must be far more mad than I.

The fact society will not humanize you unless you are married or a parent is truly insane. Apparently, without binding yourself to a gilded or un-gilded cage, you lack worth, and if you choose to become a prisoner to please society, you are still unworthy unless you have children because innocent souls need to be brought into this distorted world. Supposedly, an unborn child will change the world. The question is, why can't those who are already in this plane of existence be the change? Why must they insist on procreating as they watch the world burn? Burdening someone who did not choose to be here.

Nothing you do will ever be enough. If you live your life to please others, you will only destroy yourself, but that is alright because at least you are selfless, and at least paradise awaits you. What madness.

There is no paradise, no rainbow at the end of the road. At the end of the day, you will die, and that will be all. Everyone will remember you as they see fit, whether a hero or villain in their story. It will not matter; once you are gone, they can distort your image as they see fit.

If you are reading this and the words I speak strike a cord, ask yourself why that is. I am not saying to live life carelessly; no, that would just be cruel, and the odds are that I would become the villain in your story.

Do not end your life, for it will solve nothing. Do not feel guilty about living the life you want so long as it brings no harm to innocents. Only you can judge yourself. Any who speak of you just want to be you, but wanting to be someone else is a fools' dream. For you are not that person, you do not live in their skin, and appearances can be deceiving. That their life may appear ideal does not make it so.

Do what you will with these words, for I am not your keeper. Love as you see fit, cry when no one is looking, or even when they are looking, and let them think and believe what they want. Be free. For as small as the world may seem, it is also vast. We are all fools to someone.

Ps.

If you choose to marry, do so because you are a fool in love and not simply to please the world. If you decide to be a parent again, do it because you want to, not because it's what's expected of you. Adoption is an option; plenty of orphans would love a home. If you cannot love an orphan, then you are not worthy of having a child, for to feel it growing within you is simply your messed-up version of a God complex. Children do not choose to be born, so do not burden them by living through them, do not neglect them, and do not force them to grow too quickly. Children are not a luxury to flaunt them about. They owe you nothing, especially when you do the minimum.

Again, do what you see fit with my words, for they will fall on deaf ears. Goodbye for now or perhaps forever.

P.p.s

I see you choose not to listen. Well, that is your problem and no one else's. That you are a stubborn fool is not my fault. I did not hand you the poison, and I did not make you drink from the gauntlet. You can only blame yourself. I never claimed to be a good person. That was your misconception, and I am not responsible for your misconceptions.

Blame me all you want. Nothing will change. Goodbye, my love, my hate, my everything, and nothing… Let the world curse me for all I care, it will not change a damned thing… I am no saint and never will be.