Jake opened his eyes.
But he wasn't lying on the street anymore.
Instead, he stood in a dark, empty void. The kind of emptiness that made his brain itch. His feet were planted on nothing solid, and ahead of him stood two enormous doors, each radiating its own unsettling aura.
One door was shimmering with golden light. Angelic music played softly in the background, as though a choir of celestial beings was singing in the distance. It seemed like the kind of door that should lead to paradise, a place where the air was fresh, the food was endless, and the women… well, let's just say he could probably get a harem of the most beautiful, perfectly sculpted girls ever to walk the Earth.
Then, there was the other door. Dark, ominous, and cracked open just enough for red smoke to curl out from the edges. Faint screams echoed from within—gravelly, pain-filled screams that made Jake shiver.
He didn't have time to contemplate which one he would pick. Not when a bright, glowing figure appeared beside him with a clipboard.
"Welcome, Jake," the angel said, her voice so smooth it could have sold life insurance to an entire nation. She had immaculate, perfectly combed hair, and her pristine white robes shimmered in the dim light. She adjusted her glasses, looked down at the clipboard, then back at him. "Before you proceed, we must review your life."
Jake blinked. "Life? Oh, no, no, no. Listen, lady, I don't care about that. Just take me to the world with a lot of harems, you know, lolis and stuff. I'll be fine. I'll live out my dream. Just get me outta here!"
The angel didn't react, save for a slight raising of her perfectly arched eyebrow. "No, Jake. You're dead. You don't get to just pick any random world. You can only go to Heaven or Hell."
Jake froze, his heart sinking. "Wait, what? I'm dead? How? When? I didn't even… Why didn't Truck kun works."
"I swear I'll dismantle you and pour sand into your engine if I meet you again Truck kun." he cursed out loudly.
The angel sighed, flipping through her clipboard. "You died by a road accident. A rather anticlimactic death, if I'm being honest. But now, you have to decide your fate. Heaven or Hell."
"Seriously? That's it?" Jake groaned. "Ugh, fine, whatever. Let's just get this over with. I've had enough of this nonsense."
The angel straightened. "Very well. Let's review your deeds, both good and bad."
She began reading aloud from her clipboard.
Good Deeds:
1. "Gave your seat to a lady on the bus."
Jake immediately perked up. "Oh, yeah. That was a solid move. Definitely made her day."
The angel raised an eyebrow. "Really? You didn't just do it to stare at her cleavage?"
Jake smirked. "Well, yeah, that too, but she had a nice view from above. Can't blame me for that."
The angel looked unimpressed but continued.
2. "Helped a dog cross the road."
Jake rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable. "Listen, I couldn't just let that dog play Frogger, alright? It's a dog. It's not supposed to be running across roads like that."
The angel wrote it down, her expression neutral. "Alright. And finally…"
3. "Donated fifty cents to charity."
Jake cringed. "Yeah, that one was a stretch. But hey, they offered a free ticket to some event if you donated. And the food was great, so… yeah."
The angel shook her head slightly, then flipped to the next section of her clipboard. "Well, I'm sure you've done your best. Now, let's look at your bad deeds."
Bad Deeds:
1. "Stole candy from a baby."
Jake immediately bristled. "It was Halloween! That kid didn't even have teeth! He didn't need it, and besides, it was free candy!"
The angel raised an eyebrow but said nothing, continuing on.
2. "Got banned from the zoo for releasing a wild animal and causing panic."
Jake groaned. "Look, I was just trying to bond with the lion, okay? I thought it would be like The Lion King or something! But the little jerk bit me instead. That lion was ungrateful."
The angel sighed, writing it down.
3. "Made an OnlyFans girl cry heavily."
Jake's face turned bright red. "Look, it wasn't my fault! She wanted to get popular, and I helped promote her content, alright? I made posters, put them all over campus. It wasn't my fault her dad saw it and disowned her! I was just trying to help."
The angel sighed deeply, the sound almost pitying. She flipped her clipboard shut. "Jake, your good deeds and bad deeds are… perfectly equal. So, I suppose you have a choice. You can choose Heaven or Hell."
Jake grinned. "So, what you're saying is… I get to choose? I get to decide where I go? Hell yeah!" He threw his arms in the air like he'd just won the lottery.
The angel nodded solemnly. "Hell, okay. So shall it be."
"Wait, no!" Jake yelped. "I didn't choose yet!"
Before he could finish his protest, the angel snapped her fingers, and a surge of heavenly energy shot him toward the ominous red door.
"I SAID 'HELL YEAH,' NOT 'HELL,' YOU IDIOT!" Jake screamed, but his words were swallowed by the swirling vortex. He reached out for the shimmering golden door, but it was too late. He was already being sucked into the fiery portal.
As the world around him warped and twisted, he heard the angel mutter under her breath, "Poor guy. Probably should've stuck with reading isekai novels."
---
Jake crash-landed into a fiery cavern, his body crashing against the scorched ground. He coughed, hacking out a mixture of smoke and dirt. As he sat up, he looked around at his new surroundings—red glowing rocks, endless flames, and more than a few familiar screams echoing in the distance.
"Well, well, well. Another one joins the club," came a voice. Jake looked up to see a figure standing in front of him—someone in a tight red suit, with small horns sticking out from his head and a crooked tie. The Devil himself.
The Devil clapped slowly. "You're late. I've been lonely."
Jake groaned, wiping the dust off his clothes. "Of course I'm late. My life was a mess, and now my afterlife is too. Just… I just want to go to a world with some harems, man. I'll do whatever it takes."
The Devil chuckled darkly. "Oh, it's gonna be a lot worse than your life, kid. Welcome to Hell, idiot."
Jake didn't know whether to scream or laugh. This was definitely not how he imagined his afterlife.
In the quarters of the angels, a low murmur filled the air. Seraphim and cherubim alike whispered about the ridiculous decision made by Jake, the man who had been offered Heaven or Hell and had somehow ended up in the fiery pit.
"Did you hear him?" one angel snorted, adjusting her glasses. "He said, 'Hell yeah.' Who in their right mind says that?"
Another angel, leaning on her golden harp, shook her head in disbelief. "And to think he thought there would be harems in Heaven. Honestly, I hope Lucifer gives him the welcome he deserves."
The angel with the clipboard, the one who had escorted Jake to the doors, sighed. "Lucifer will take great pleasure in this one. He'll ensure Jake is properly educated about his choice. Poor fool…"
The room erupted in soft chuckles, their celestial glow dimming slightly as they returned to their duties.
---
Meanwhile, in Hell, Jake stood awkwardly in front of the Devil himself. Lucifer, in his tight red suit, crooked tie, and small horns, radiated an air of authority and malice. His fiery eyes gleamed as he studied Jake like a cat eyeing a particularly dumb mouse.
"So," Jake said, his voice shaky. "What now? Do I just, like, get thrown into the fire or something? Is there a line for that?"
The Devil smirked, his sharp teeth glinting in the hellish glow. "Oh, yes. But first, we must determine the level of your punishment. You see, Hell isn't just fire and brimstone—it's tailored torment. And for that, I'll need to review your life."
Without waiting for Jake's response, the Devil placed a clawed hand on Jake's forehead and closed his eyes. A deep hum echoed through the cavern as Lucifer's expression shifted from mild curiosity to utter disgust.
His lip curled. "You stole candy… from a baby? Seriously?"
Jake winced. "It was Halloween!"
Lucifer continued, his face contorting further. "And that OnlyFans girl? You made posters?"
"Hey, I was trying to help!" Jake protested weakly.
The Devil's disgust deepened. He removed his hand, opened his eyes, and then—much to Jake's confusion—burst into loud, roaring laughter.
"You fool!" Lucifer pointed at him, tears of mirth practically streaming from his fiery eyes. "They gave you a choice—a choice—between eternal bliss and torment, and you chose Hell?!"
Jake's face turned red. "I didn't pick Hell! I said 'Hell yeah!' It's a figure of speech!"
Lucifer laughed harder, his voice echoing off the cavern walls. "Oh, this is rich. You humans are truly something else."
Finally, Lucifer's laughter subsided. He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye and put on a thoughtful expression. "Hmm. This is frustrating."
Jake blinked. "What's frustrating?"
The Devil sighed, rubbing his temples. "Your punishment level… is zero."
Jake tilted his head. "Zero? What does that mean?"
"It means," Lucifer explained, his tone irritated, "that your good deeds and bad deeds are perfectly balanced. I can't punish you. You're a waste of fire, chains, and demons."
Jake stared at him, bewildered. "So… what? I just stay here? No burning? No eternal suffering?"
"Exactly," the Devil said, annoyance creeping into his voice. "You're stuck here, but you won't be punished. Congratulations, you've managed to be the most boring soul I've ever received."
Jake's face lit up. "Wait, does that mean I can just hang out? Like, no pain or anything? Maybe find a nice little corner with decent Wi-Fi?"
Lucifer groaned and walked to his imposing, obsidian throne. Sitting down, he gestured for Jake to approach. Jake hesitated but eventually shuffled forward, sitting cross-legged in front of the throne like a nervous schoolboy.
The Devil leaned forward, his fiery gaze locking onto Jake's eyes. Jake felt a shiver run down his spine. For a moment, the Devil's face was unreadable—serious, calculating, almost… curious.
"I couldn't help but notice," Lucifer began slowly, his voice dripping with malice, "something peculiar while I was reviewing your life. Two things seemed to dominate your thoughts and actions."
Jake gulped. "Uh… yeah? Like what?"
The Devil's eyes narrowed. "What is the meaning of 'netori' and 'harem'?"
Jake's face turned beet red. "Oh, uh, you see, it's kind of hard to explain—"
"Explain it in full detail," the Devil interrupted, his tone brooking no argument. "Every. Last. Detail."
Jake swallowed hard, his palms sweating as he tried to figure out how to explain his questionable internet history to the literal Devil. "Well, uh… you see, netori is, um, this thing where—"
Lucifer's fiery eyes burned brighter. "Speak clearly, mortal. I have all eternity, but I hate wasting time."
Jake took a deep breath and braced himself. This was going to be a long conversation.