I tried to decipher what his face said as he stood on the other side of the courtroom swearing to say the truth and nothing but the truth as he recounted reasons and seasons of their Marriage,ss he nodded along to what his lawyer was saying, as the judge begun the final hearing
This was it .
I was desperate to find some...any bit of emotion as his dark eyes moved over to mom's.
There was none, not a single sign of all the emotions i hoped to see, no sign of guilt, shame,sadness,or even anger,it baffled me how blank his face was in that moment, it scared me even.
There were no tears welling up in his eyes, he wasn't sniffling blowing his nose messily into a tissue that had already been used,tears weren't steaming down his eyes uncontrollably like mom's was.
He was composed, his back was straight, chin up, eyes void of emotion as he glanced at his lawyer, looking like this was as normal as paying for your things you bought at the grocery store like it was some mundane task he did every other day, his responses were short and concise leaving no room for sentiments, unnecessary pauses or emotional sighs, it was like he was saying the answers to questions he already knew.
Seeing him like that…that day did something to me something I couldn't quite fully grasp the weight of.
The family he built was getting dissolved yet he looked like he was completely fine with it, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but I knew I would only be lying to my self.
I had slipped out while the hearing was going on.
I needed a break, to catch my breath even though I had been sitting for over an hour listening to strangers resolve the only unit I had ever truly fit into it felt as though i had been running and hadn't stopped to rest in a while, with the way my heart hammered against my ribcage, with the way my hands shook and sweat gathered at my eyebrows I knew if I sat there for another second i would pass out.
I stood up with shaky legs walked briskly towards the exit,tears welled in my eyes as I walked towards the only double doors in the hot courtroom.
I didn't know if you were allowed to go use the bathroom during a hearing or if it was against the rules
But I honestly didn't care or understand how the judge and lawyers could sit there talking with serious words wearing that huge black coat and stiff ugly white wig that looked itchy.
I made it out the door and it closed behind me.
Nobody followed me, so i guess it was fine
My mind was hazy,my head hurt,this was too much for me this was all too much, how could I possibly handle this kind of change?
I felt weak,I was weak.
So I did the only thing that made sense for me to do… I walked to the side or back of the building i wasn't quite sure what it was, I sat on the dirty,sandy floor because dirty floors were the least of my worries and cried, i cried and cried and cried until my head hurt,until my face was hot and I was gasping for air and was pretty sure I looked like a brown tomato.
I cried because I didn't know what else to do, I cried because I was so sad and I couldn't understand why all this was happening to me, I cried because I never sure i have thought about my parents eventually getting a divorce but i never really thought about how it would feel how i would feel, i never thought I would be the one sitting in a hot court room filled with sweaty over heated bodies listening to strangers divide my family "Amicably" let alone balling my eyes out sitting on dirty floor somewhere behind a courthouse, I never once thought it would be me, i cried because I truly was helpless,and I knew there was nothing I could do, there was no reversing this I cried because it felt like the end of the fucking world
But…the world didn't end.
Mine was just Beginning.