Chapter 1: Sakusetsu

I'm 28. No girlfriend. NEET. Gamer brain. I can't even talk to people properly without slipping in a game reference.

My mom warned me—if I don't get a girlfriend soon, she'll kick me out.

So, I'm drafting the ultimate plan to maximize my chances of dating a girl.

"Kuhahahaha!" I laugh like a maniac.

The blueprint is complete.

"Don't treat me like some generic protagonist—I'm different! I have a big brain! I won't test this plan until I've maxed out every required skill to level 99!"

Second night spent training with my waifu, Yuka—the heroine I created back when I was bored with university life.

Depressed, I stay awake all night, determined to convert my accumulated knowledge of romance anime and eroge into real-life skills.

Graduated from an engineering school, yet here I am—not designing mechanical blueprints, but...

Slept through the entire next day, dreaming of successfully taming a real-life female.

"Kehehehehe…" I giggle like a degenerate.

"SETSU!"

"Haaah?? Wanna pick a fight, old grum?"

"WHO are you calling old grum!?"

Barely dodging her incoming broom, I bolt out of the house.

"Wait!"

"Get a job and a girlfriend or NEVER come back!"

SLAM—the door shuts behind me.

Leaning against the doorframe, I ponder whether it's possible to score a girlfriend with zero money, a tank top, and just my boxers.

…Yeah, no. Life ain't an anime.

"Goddamn Baba, have you ever considered your naming sense? Setsu in sakusesu my ass…"

The door suddenly swings open—BAM!—a sharp kick lands right on my ass, launching me forward.

Before I can even recover, my stuff comes flying out after me—thud, thud, thud!

Guess she's serious this time.

Right in front of my face lies my Ultimate Pickup Blueprint… and the suit I only wore once—on graduation day.

"At least give me some money!" I bang on the door.

Silence.

…It's over.

Date or die.

I either bring back a girl or starve to death out here.

Wait. I remember having a friend—Kenji! We used to be close in high school until he dropped out to chase his dream of becoming a barber.

Flashback:

"Remember to call me, Setsu." Sad eyes, barely holding back something unsaid.

—End flashback—

Unquestionably a loser.

I reach into my boxer's pocket, fingers brushing against the cold screen.

Dial.

"Ya, Setsu calling."

Standing in front of the dowdy barbershop, dressed in my suit—undoubtedly superrrr elegant!

"Yo, Setsu!"

"Kenji!"

We laugh like idiots and hug each other. So heartwarming, just like Lucas reuniting with Bella.

I'm Lucas, obviously.

"Yah, Kenji, not bad. Congrats on fulfilling your dream."

"Nah, things aren't going as planned, man. I barely get any customers."

"Don't be so humble, my friend. Soon, I'll be promoted to Chief of Innovation at Big Tech—IBT."

"And suppose I should invest in your potential to be a great barber."

"Wow, really?! As expected of Setsu!" Kenji says with admiration.

[Negotiation Skill: Activated] – a technique I mastered from online games and eroges.

I smirk and sigh dramatically. "Good grief… It's not as glamorous as it looks. They dump endless work on me. I barely have time to catch up with old friends… or even get a haircut."

"Fufufu, I got you, bro! I'll give you the best haircut you've ever had!"

Everything is going according to plan. Kuahahaha! Kuahaha! Maniacal laughter echoes in my mind.

Looking at the mirror, I'm supposed to be happy. But I can't possibly force a smile.

What am I doing with my life?

So young, so full of potential… yet why am I so useless?

"What's wrong? You don't like the haircut...?"

Snap back to reality. No, I can't afford to break the illusion. I must pretend—pretend that reality is just another game.

"Kuahahaha! Good job, Kenji! I'm just speechless at my own handsomeness!"

Laughing out loud, I push the doubts away.

Kenji grins, relieved. "Thank you, I guess."

That smile—genuine, unforced. Maybe… just maybe… this is why he chased this dream, despite everything.

I'm filled with envy.

"Kenji, can I borrow some money? Forgot my wallet. Gotta catch a taxi to an important appointment. I'll return it right after, okay?"

"I got you, bro." He pats my back, like he's giving me some kind of courage.

"Thanks." I take the cash, forcing a grin—trying to hide the bitterness crawling up my throat.

Kenji pulls out some cash—old, crinkled—like he's been saving it for something, maybe to renovate his barbershop.

I try not to think too deeply about it.

He sends me off with a profound smile. "Good luck, Set-chan!" He calls me the way he used to.

For me, though, the guilt crawls up my back like a shadow. I can't bring myself to say "Bye, Ken-chan" like I used to.

I turn away, waving with one hand, while the other stays buried in my pant's pocket, gripping Kenji's money tightly.

Using my best friend's hard-earned money, I drift off in the hotel room.

Yuka? Is that you?

A beautiful high school girl—long black hair, large blue eyes, full of expression. Undoubtedly my design, my waifu.

"Set, you are not useless. You brought us to life. You deserve better than this."

"Yuka, but I—I..."

"SO, get your ass up and follow your DAMN plan!"

"AGHHH! You damn old grum!"

I jolt awake. A dream?

Haha, fuck it. There's nothing to lose!

Chapter 2: The Plan

Sugar, spice, and everything nice! ...Oh, wait, wrong show.

Step 1: Flowers

Pock, pock— hehe, easiest flowers of my life. Plucking them straight from the hotel's garden like a boss.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Shit!". Proudly outrunning a weak old security guard.

Step 2: Letters

How do I get paper? Glance around with predator eyes at a nearby park— little kids playing after school, so naive. I shall show them how harsh the world truly is.

Sneaky, sneak— rummaging through a kid's bag.

These poor bastards. Why is there no plain paper? What's with all these shitty drawings? Snap— pages from the middle of the notebook.

"Uncle, what are you doing?" A boy notices.

Quietly snap another page.

"WaaAaAa!!!!" The kid bursts into tears.

Gulp. "Shut up, you brat. Shut up, or I'll call the police."

A girl, taller than the boy, runs straight at me and stomps on my foot.

"Ouch!"

"Do not bully Yuta-kun! Evil uncle! Grown-up but still bullying kids—Yuka hate!" Her eyes well up with tears.

Yuka? This can't be. This isn't anime.

"You think you can fight me? I-I'll call the police!"

A firm hand grips my shoulder.

"Can I help you?"

"Hahahahaha." A deep, rough laugh bursts out from a muscle-headed figure—just arrested me for no reason.

Who would've thought? The girl's dad is a local cop.

Kenji's hard-earned money, traded for ice cream—for the two kids and these corrupt authorities.

You damn government bullies. "Police, my ass."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Yah, it's been a long time since I heard such an interesting story." the old policeman says, rubbing his bald head.

"You sure you don't want an ice cream?" His eyes are gentle—like he's talking to a kid or an old friend from the past.

Like I have money for it?. "Nah, I'm good. I'm not a child." I reply, trying to suppress my irritation.

"Oh, c'mon! Who says an adult can't enjoy ice cream? Even this old man loves it—Gyahahaha!" He laughs like it's something to be proud of.

"Don't worry, my treat." He hands me a chocolate ice cream.

Pay for yourself and your damn kid too, you old grump.

"You remind me of my younger self—young and ruthless, stealing, breaking rules. How ironic, huh? A guy like me still managed to become a cop, marry a beautiful wife, and have a cute daughter." The man spoke with emotion, pressing a finger under his nose.

If this is true, then I'm living in an anime.

"It's never too late to change, son. I got detained so many times just to see her. She got so frustrated that she made a deal—if I stopped doing stupid things, she'd be my girlfriend."

"Never thought that would actually work out. I just wanted someone to talk to." He smirk.

Go to hell, you lucky bastard.

"Don't worry, you're handsome and bright. You'll get a good one." He smacks my back—hard.

"Alright, old man. I got a plan to execute." I stand up and leave in haste

"Hahaha! You can come by anytime and tell me more stories, son—Gyakakaka!"

Not in a million years.

Chapter 3: Operation: Get Girl (OGG)

All things prepared.

Having stolen a pen from the police station, I finish writing my love letters—no, my ultimate Level 99 rizz literature, carefully crafted from my extensive romantic experiences… from eroge and romance anime, of course.

Now, I need a target. But where?

I stand in the middle of the sidewalk, deep in thought.

"Tap, tap, tap."

That familiar sound—no way!

Big boobs. Short hair. Business attire.

More importantly—this is the legend, the myth…

Event A: The Fateful Encounter.

"Kyaa! My ankle!"

I glance at her.

…Why is she looking at me like that? Those are the eyes of someone staring at a scammer.

"Uh, yeah, I totally just tripped on my own. Sorry for bothering you. Here, take this flower and letter. You've been working hard, haven't you? You deserve more acknowledgment. Yup. Okay. Bye-bye."

I flee immediately, rambling nonsense like an absolute fool.

"W-wait—"

Nope. I'm gone.

…God, real life is so much harder than anime. I almost shit myself from embarrassment.

3 More Tries

Ahh, the atmosphere is so nice.

I can't even remember the last time I went to the park.

I crouch down, touching the grass. "Sala sala."

Wait… no way.

Big boobs. Long hair. Long dress.

Isn't this… the rich girl type? She's even feeding the ducks.

Rich shy type.

[Cool mode: Activated.]

Sneak, sneak—

"Huh?"

She shifts to the far end of the bench, away from me. Perhaps my strategy is working. Time to push harder.

Slide—

Clink.

I hit the bench's armrest.

Before I can recover, she moves to another bench.

With the ducks...

Challenge accepted!.

"What do you want?" she asks as I move to her bench.

I turn my head, flashing a cool, handsome smil—

…Eh?

She's looking at me like I'm garbage. A pervert. A lolicon.

"Ahaha, I was just wondering if I could have some bread, but, uh, I see it's for the ducks! Thank you for taking care of nature! Here's a gift!"

Can't handle the hatred in her eyes.

I flee with all my might.

All my experience in love… and I still misidentified the wrong type. Sitting on a public toilet seat, I doubted myself.

As I thought. Reality is peak difficulty. Beautiful girls are always defensive and evil.

2 More Tries

I return to my old university.

"Ahhh, why is it so hard to get a girl?" I say, sitting on a bench, blaming life itself.

Hmm… Glasses. Reading a book. Small bo—

Secondary school??

"Hey, what are you doing here this late? Go home, kid." I criticize with the pride of adult privilege.

"I'm 22, not a kid, uncle." She pouts.

Ahh, typical tsundere. The type I hate most.

"I'm not an uncle. I'm only 28. Take this gift and get lost, kid."

"Eh? Who even uses letters nowadays? As I thought, you really are an uncle." She giggles, looking at the letter.

Uncle. Uncle. Uncle.

The word echoes in my head.

"I'M NOT AN UNCLE!"

I flee in defeat.

1 More Try…

…Who am I kidding?

It's midnight.

I'm sitting here, alone in the park.

Homeless. No girlfriend.

So cold…

Sniff, sniff. I'm hungry…

Mother…

Chapter 4: Result

"Urghh…"

What a fresh experience—waking up with the sun shining straight into my eyes.

If everything had gone according to plan, I'd be standing outside my house, basking in my victory.

If I were lucky, I should have gotten at least one…

But—

"Ahhh…"

They're all here.

Last step: my ultimate ending.

A lifetime of sacrifice, all for this moment—

"My hare—"

I freeze.

From a distance, they're talking to each other, their expressions bitter.

"All those words in the letter… the flowers… He even praised me for my hard work—something I've never experienced before." The office girl bites her nail. "Goddamn scammer."

"Acting all goofy… I actually fell for it. Thought he was a nice guy." The wolf-in-sheep's-clothing girl clenches her fist.

Abort mission. ABORT MISSION.

All my cells scream at me to escape from this death flag. I slowly turn around and walk away.

Yup, I'm just an innocent bystander.

"Ah! There he is!"

The damn small-boobed tsundere just gave me up.

There's only one solution—embrace their love.

[Handsome mode: Activated.]

"Ahh, my angelllllls—" approaching with wide welcoming arms

POW!

A tiny fist smashes into my nose.

"Why are men always screwing around like this?" The violent girl storms off, fuming.

"Die. Die a million times. What a waste of air."

"Tch." The office lady glares at me like I'm literal trash and walks away.

"Uncle, you're an interesting man. Uncle."

The tsundere smirks, dabbing at my bleeding nose with her handkerchief before waving and walking away.

"Kuhmnkuhu..."

I sniffle.

"Oawaawawa—" I break down, sobbing like a damn kid.

"Ara, Setsu! Where the hell have you been for the last 2 days, you stupid child?!"

An old figure... It feels like years since I last saw her.

"Mother!" I wail, throwing myself into her arms.

I shove the last remaining gift into her hands, still crying.

Chapter 5: Failure

Returning home, I realized too late… giving Mom that gift was a mistake.

Flashback:

"Mah, SETSU! How could you write this to your own mother?!"

"Huh?! Wait, you weren't supposed to read the letter—"

WHIP.

"GRAHHhh! TSUNDERE OLD GRUMP!"

—End flashback—

"Pfft… hahahaha."

It's been a long time since I could laugh to the point of tears.

I used to think reality was nothing but suffering, but it's a damn comedy.

I got a part-time job.

Told Kenji the truth—he understood, though he still wants me to pay the damn debt.

Besides binge-watching anime and playing visual novels in my very generous amount of free time, I decided to pick up writing.

Maybe I'll even get back into drawing… making a game… who knows?

Living isn't about finding the meaning of life—

It's about creating meaning for yourself.

Today, I used reality to describe comedy.

And comedy to describe reality.

"Tch, damn mosquitoes… If only they were anime girls."

What about you?

What did you do today?