I find myself in a long line. How long you might be asking? The size of Jiraiya's dick if you got a free show of Tsunade's massive burden. So yeah long. But it's not just any line. A long, endless line that stretches beyond my comprehension. The walls around me are void-like, dark yet somehow shimmering with energy. I look around, and everyone standing in this line is as confused as I am. Some are crying, some are just staring blankly ahead, and some guy is cursing about how this screwed up his damn parley.
"Fucking Donkey Dicks in a Blender!" The one guy crying over his fantasy team.
'Dude chill the fuck out mate.' I think while looking at the broke boy crying.
"Where the hell am I?" I mutter under my breath.
(Welcome to the Line of Transmigration.)
A booming voice echoes in my skull. Oh great, now I have voices in my head again. I squint up ahead and see some kind of massive roulette wheel spinning at the far end of the line. And not just any roulette wheel—it's covered in names. Character names.
Anime characters.
'Oh, you've got to be shitting me.'
I step forward, barely keeping my cool as the line moves. Some poor guy in front of me starts wailing. "No! Please! Not her! Anyone but her!"
DING!
(His reincarnation has been decided. Welcome to the life of Sakura Haruno!)
The guy immediately collapses to his knees, crying like someone stole his PS5. Damn. They really don't hold back. On top of that he has to be a girl too knowing he's a guy at heart. Damn that sucks.
I inch forward, trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Then I hear it.
(You have been sentenced to Transmigration Court due to your morally questionable past life.)
'Uh-huh. Morally questionable. I just wanted to live a little. Is that a crime now?'
(Yes.) The computer voice comments like she gets this question 100 times a day.
'Okay, fair enough.'
I take another step forward, and I finally see the big reveal. The room is dimly lit.
The court rooms layout contains two long tables at ground level, a semicircular podium situated between them, an elevated desk opposite the podium, and seating areas behind the tables. Stanchions connected by ropes are placed on the ends of the tables and around the back of the courtroom to outline specific areas. A large crest depicting the Scales of Justice is displayed above the judge's bench. Just picture the courtroom in Ace Attorney.
A giant jury of what I can only describe as anime fans—yes, full-on basement dwellers, toxic Twitter users, carrying waifu body pillows in public, and elitist manga readers—are seated in some divine courthouse. They're all arguing among themselves, throwing around terms like "mid" "plot" and "peak fiction."
"Yo, is that Gigguk?" I mutter.
Yes, sitting at the head seat for my hearing is Gigguk. A woman's voice can be heard. "Calling for case 05637 of the day."
Gigguk slams a gavel. "Silence! You, my dude, have committed a life full of sin! Objectifying women! Stealing girlfriends from your best mates you've known since kindergarten! Recklessly driving 80 in a school zone! Singing Life is a Highway unironically!"
The jury boos.
"Oh come on its an amazing song. You guys wouldn't know what music people getting pussy even listen too. All of you are damn crotch scratchers who just listen to anime songs, so don't you judge me!" I roar back trying to defend myself.
Gigguk slams his wooden stick again. "Silence! Order! Order!"
This shuts everyone up.
So let me tell you how this is going to work, for one you were a shitty person. But you weren't a serial killer, R-word, corrupt politician, or anything serious. You was just a shitty friend I'd want to see get beaten up by the biggest guy in town. Lucky for you the afterlife being more like a scale of morality rather than a simple evil and good. So you'll play a game, and if you lose, you go to hell. But if you pass then you get transmigrated, reincarnated, or stay here in the afterlife.
Sound Good?
Yes Lord Weeb! I give a mock salute.
Cool. He rolls his eyes at my antics.
Judge Gigguk: leaning forward with a slight smirk "For these crimes, you shall be sentenced to play Defend These Characters."
The computer voice: sounds out in my head again. (You'll be given a list of 7 anime characters and be forced to rank them in the order from easiest you'd defend them to the worst. For context theirs this game on TikTok where seven characters scroll randomly, when you nod your head then the roulette will stop, and you have to add them to a list to defend. You can rank them from 1 to 7, easiest to hardest to defend.)
The list materializes: Sukuna from Jujutsu Kaisen, Doflamingo from One Piece, Zetsu from Naruto, Dante from Black Clover, Meliodas from Seven Deadly Sins, Pitou from Hunter x Hunter, and Stain from My Hero Academia.With me now knowing the rules a nod my head and start to make my selections.
thinking 'Oof, this is going to be hard.'
I look at the list and think about my own morality for a moment before I make my argument. "Alright, Your Honor, here's my defense." I say ready for the challenge.
1 Stain
2 Pitou
3 Dante
4 Zetsu
5 Doflamingo
6 Meliodas
7 Sukuna
As soon as you finish, the jury immediately starts booing. A chorus of voices rise, and you can hear a few members grumbling and shaking their heads.
Jury Member 1: "What?! Stain first?! You can't defend that psycho!"Jury Member 2: "Are you kidding? Doflamingo deserves to be higher!"Jury Member 3: "What about Meliodas, man? How's he that low?!"
Judge Gigguk: chuckling, waving his hand "Alright, settle down, let's hear the defense first before we start tearing this apart. You're all fired up already."
Off the bat Stain is the easiest to defend as we just say a guy like that in public be the real life stain and everyone freaking loved him. That being Luigi Mangione, both did a terrible crime of murder, but both felt justified. He's a guy who murdered some 'heroes,' but honestly, these so-called heroes weren't heroes at all. They were fame-seeking, profit-making phonies who cared more about being celebrities than actually doing their jobs. Just like the big wigs in the health care industry that make a profit in the 900 billion rage but cozy up to the government and refuse to give people affordable or free health care when we know they have the money. But even worse neglect their job and won't give you good service unless your rich. Easy.
Jury Member 2: shouting "That's ridiculous! Stain's a murderer!"Jury Member 4: "I could do better than that defense!"
Next is Pitou. All bro did was merk the main characters day one. If gon wasn't the main character, people wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Compared to stain both of them are killers but Pitou just killed a person we liked.
Okay next Dante, well to be honest bro was decent person who just got turned into a demon. Its like if boruto got turned into momoshiki. Is boruto a bad character? Yes, but a bad guy? No. So because of that your honor I rule that my client claim insanity and to have all charges dropped and him sent to crazy jail.
Okay next, Zetsu. To be honest your honor Zetsu is just a boy tryna see his mom that's been locked up for 1000 years. Can we really be mad at him. I mean if anything it was Madara and Obito who did all the work. If anything by boy Zetsu is hall of fame level instigation skills.
As for Doffy, my boy should be let free of all charges on the fact that he's rich and he could hire a much better lawyer than myself. Not to mention, I've seen rich people do way more evil stuff with more money. Have you seen Diddy, R-Kelly, Harvey Weinstein, The entire production staff on the hit kids show All that back in the 90s, Karl Malone, trust me I could do this all day. Doffy is no saint your honor but technically if you think about it he was an informant for the government since he was a child, a child not raised in a stable home your honor. I call for my client to be let out on a 5 million dollar bail.
Okay Last is Meliodas, to be real he saved a lot of people. Was the main character of his own show. And taught us the value of friendship and fighting our own demons. I'm talking trauma. On the other note he touches kids. But he saves more lives than the one kid he touched. I say he goes to cell block one to think about the mistakes he's made along the way. 'Personally, I can't bring myself to defend the guy.'
Gigguk then leans forward to ask a multitude of questions but first out of confusion reminds me that I have one more person I need to defend in court.
No I don't
Yeah you do mate
No I don't so
Im talking about Sukuna. You have to defend Sukuna before we can move on.
You mean the guy who's been sealed for like 1,000 years and the first thing out his mouth and I quote was asking where the woman and children were at? I don't know about you, but I know that man had nothing good planned for them. He needs to be under the jail, theirs no defending him. You talking about the man that would kill you for breathing wrong, oh hell nah man, what if I have Asthma , do I deserve to die coz I got Asthma. I'm pretty sure if we had a real court case the man would kill me for trying to defend him, or if we have an argument. He'd kill everyone in the court room on reflex, no matter fact he'd let yall talk, make a sentence then kill you right after. Sukuna is evil for the sake of being evil, he don't need a reason.
Still you seem to overestimate the circumstances people go through. So for that your soul can't be yet called purified to be allowed to roam in the land of the dead. So you will be brought back to life. Next is Transmigration Roulette, featuring all the characters you either hate the most or find overrated!"
'Oh, for f—'
A massive and the roulette wheel spins violently. With a lever for me to pull when I feel ready. The names flash before my eyes: Shinji Ikari, Jiraiya, Boruto, Subaro from Re:Zero—hell, Itachi, Kakashi Hatake, Izuku Midoriya, Yotsuba Nakano, Jellal Fernandez.
I cringe as this is a list of characters I hate, think are overrated, or overall suck.
Judge Gigguk smiles as he continues, you will pull the lever and whoever you get is the character that you will be forced to live as until you die. When you die you'll be judged, if you die too soon, then straight to hell, if you live long but live a crooked life, you go straight to hell, if you make the same choices as the character you have to apologize for being wrong and mis judging them.
I look at him a little surprised about the last one, then I decide its better to ask and have him clarify. Wait so I'll just apologize, and I'll be fine.
The Judge blinks twice before saying, "no you still go to hell." Then he smiles.
'Damn psychotic weebs, you give them a little bit of power and they get all fucking sadistic.' I curse the man in my head.
I gulp once then decide to pull the lever like I'm kronk.
(Spinning… Spinning…)
I brace myself.
(Your new life has been decided… Congratulations, you are now Itachi Uchiha!)
The room falls dead silent.
One of the jury members stands up. "Damn it why'd he get such a cool character."
"Lucky bastard!" Shouts another man.
As my body changes into the character some woman faint on the spot calling me their husbando.
"Wait, hold up. Why does he look so sad about this?" The last guys says while pointing at me.
I try to suppress my frown. "Oh, no reason." Its not like I have to kill everyone I've ever known and or loved for a shitty old man and his village.
Before anyone can object, the floor beneath me gives out, and I'm yeeted straight into the abyss, falling headfirst into my brand-new life.
And just like that, I'm Itachi fucking Uchiha. Time to speedrun fixing his whole damn life.