Dear Heavenly Father...
Savannah wasn't sure if she was making a small confession or pleading with her fingers threaded together in front of her. Not that pleading had gotten her very far, but it was all she knew to do anymore; plead and beg down on her knees in the second row of pews in front of the cross as the statue of Jesus bore his unblinking gaze of stone down at her.
Was it stone? Maybe it was a type of metal or plaster.
It didn't really matter what it was made out of, did it? Whether it was wood, metal, stone, or paper mache, it was all a facade. A false front that meant nothing more than an illusion.
There were so many things Savannah wanted to ask. So many questions she wanted to scream up at those beady eyes that she used to stare up at with unwavering loyalty and doubt before everything fell apart.
Why?
Why her?
Why them?
She never would get an answer. Except for the one she heard often from many others who sat in the pews around her on Sundays, 'God has his way of testing those who love him'.
She couldn't remember a day where she questioned the way God worked. The way she had blindly given her faith to him and everything he stood for, believing the path she took was one of righteousness and devotion. Not until her best friend, Arielle, was seemingly ripped from the life she hadn't gotten to live.
Arielle was supposed to make a smooth recovery, one where she would still be by her side, smiling and laughing at the joys of life. Or at least, that was what was supposed to happen before Savannah saw the doctor walk into the waiting room. The deep-rooted expression on their face before the next few words out of the doctors mouth had her world come crashing down around her. She would never forget when they told her how sorry they were, starting the spiral of hating that word.
Sorry. That was a word she was sick of. A word that meant very little after what happened. And it meant very little from their lips when they weren't even the ones who had done the wrong. Yet they were so quick to forgive the one they put all their faith into as if taking her life wasn't murder in itself.
Death was a fleeting thought that no one gave much thought to. Not until it slapped you in the face. It was not kind, gracious, or in some cases, painless-and definitely not gut-wrenching for those who had stood over the caskets that waited to be lowered six feet under the cold hard ground with the ones they loved inside. It was the lingering noose that loomed over your head.
Every breath.
Every heartbeat.
Every touch, sight, smell, word.
They could always be your last. And it was almost always taken for granted, never a second thought on them until you took your last one.
Some came without a warning. Ripping your feet out from under you. And others gave small inclinations, a slight change in the beat of your heart, a dizzy spell, or event the scent of something you couldn't smell before that tried to ease you into what was to come. However, it rarely worked because the second the veil came down, it did nothing to alleviate the acid that ate away at your chest.
Death didn't care how old or young you were. No matter how fast you ran from it. It would tighten its hold on you and before you knew it, it was over.
Every fleeting thought and memory wasn't enough to fill the gaping hole that was left when they were gone. Words didn't stick, no matter how often the same sentence was repeated.
It wouldn't bring them back.
And that was the cold hard truth she had to live with every day. Along with the seed of doubt that everything she had done was for naught.
Her phone buzzed in her purse on the seat beside her. Her gaze swept across the pews that a few people had taken up residence in. Their heads bowed in prayers, and yet she couldn't follow their actions like she normally had. It was an easy action to do; bow her head, close her eyes, and pray. Yet she couldn't bring herself to do it at that moment.
Grabbing her phone, she unlocked it and clicked on the message.
You still coming tonight, right? Cause, woman, I swear if you hide in your apartment after agreeing to Max...
A snort left her mouth and did the one thing she couldn't do before; she bowed her head, trying to hide from any that might have heard it.
God, who was she kidding?
The place was silent enough that they all could hear the creak of someone shifting in their seat. Of course, they'd hear that ungodly noise she made. She blamed it all on her friend, Rachael. The woman had a way with words; you never could expect what she would say next. She had absolutely no filter, which was a stark contrast to Arielle's warm tone that let you down easily. Rachael gave it like a ten-ton brick that was thrown your way. And the threat in her message- albeit mild, was no more truth than the hollow feeling in Savannah's chest that was accompanied by a frigid bitterness. Rachael would haul her ass out of her apartment and to the club that she had agreed to go to. However, it was Max who conned her into going with free coffee in the first place.
Savannah sent a quick reply, reassuring Rachael that she would show be there tonight, and turned her attention back to the alter.
Those stone-etched eyes met hers, always seeming to stare back at whoever gazed upon the statue, watching their every move-which they very well might have. It never mattered where you sat in the church, the anguish and distressed eyes of Jesus on the cross bore through every person that stared back at him. Whether they were meant to convey a familiarity between him and the people he sacrificed himself for or make whatever small sins they did eat away as they stared at him was a mystery she began to question.
Why was she tormented when she had never done anything to be tossed into the arena and fight for every ounce of normalcy when the one she trusted and loved had done so much worse and walked away unscathed?
It wasn't fair.
Savannah closed her eyes, hands clasped together, and spoke just as she had the many times before. I want to have faith. I really do. It's just...it's hard. Every corner I've rounded there has had a crack that's made me lose footing, just to get back up again and have it happen all over again. I...I don't know what more you expect me to do when I've followed every teaching you have given us. Please, God. Show me the path I should follow and...
Savannah paused.
What would she do if he paved the way and showed it to her? She had thought the one she followed before was the right one. The perfect boyfriend and fiancée. Amazing friends and parents that loved her. A wonderful job that she loved, working with teenagers who kept her on her toes with their quick wit responses. But it didn't seem to matter, not now when she no longer had a loving fiancée or a best friend she called sister.
Death had tore her from her job near the end of the school year and she felt a rift between her other two friends. One she was hoping to mend by going out tonight.
What did she have to lose?
Just... please protect those I love and care for. That's all I'll ask. Amen.
Standing, Savannah rested her hand on the end of the pew in front of her, casting the statue of Jesus one last look, and turned on her heels, making her way to the double doors of the church.
۵
Condensation ran down the side of the glass, pooling in the crevice of her finger. The other droplets clung to the outside of the drink, holding onto something inevitable that would only let them down sooner or later. The ice had long since melted-most likely watering her drink down.
Raising her drink, Savannah took a sip; yup, watery, but still drinkable. Better than the burning taste she knew would scorch her throat if she ordered vodka like Rachael had suggested.
Savannah's eyes went from her cup to the bodies of people that tangled together not far from her. Neon lights cast down in a dance that almost matched the beat of the music that blared throughout the area, slowly deafening those in its range.
There was no way Savannah would have stepped a foot onto that floor. Not when every time she looked, hands groped the person grinding against them or their faces were smashed together with tongues and saliva trying to mold into one. The thought of someone's hands sliding up her sides while her body buzzed with something she couldn't control made her lips purse. It wasn't her cup of tea. She didn't see the appeal of having another person's sweaty body pressed up against hers and their hands roaming her figure over her clothes.
"Come on, V. Let go for once and get out on that floor."
Savannah turned to the empty seat beside her. There was no one there.
How could there have been when the voice that she kept hearing was buried six feet in the ground?
Tension coiled through her muscles, tightening her grip around the cool, damp glass.
She couldn't do it. Confidence was never something something Savannah had in abundance, unlike Arielle.
No matter how much she knew Arielle wasn't there, it didn't stop her from seeing wisps of that bright blonde hair that fell around Arielle's curvy figure with that confident smile Savannah admired. To see those sky blue eyes lit up or the way her mouth held a warm smile. As if God could grant the one wish she had like some genie in a bottle. To reach out and physically touch her. To embrace a physical manifestation that she could feel the warmth under her touch and against her. To talk to and tell Arielle how much she missed her without feeling as if her words died in the wind.
But she'd never get that chance again.
Savannah blinked, trying to ease the sting in her eyes when she noticed Rachael and Max take their seats around the small circular table. Savannah was glad to have kept their spots as more people piled into the ever-growing crowded establishment.
There was no need for questions about whether she watched their drinks before Rachael grabbed her drink, and threw it back, downing it quickly. The glass barely made a noise over the blaring music that resonated underneath her skin when Rachel set it down, her green eyes meeting Savannah's with a crooked, drunk smile. Her dirty brunette hair was up in a messy bun now, strands sticking out at odd ends and framing her face.
Savannah may not care too much to be there, but she wouldn't allow anything to happen to them either. It was one of the many outcomes she could control. Unlike-Savannah shook her head, trying to block out the wave of anguish that clutched at her chest.
Max was slower, nursing his fifth drink after slamming shots back earlier that night. His hazel eyes danced across the room as if he hadn't done it twenty times already. There was a sheen of sweat on his hairline that made his sandy blond hair stick to his skin, yet did nothing to stop the slight bounce in his soft curls with every movement.
Savannah's nose scrunched up at how his throat could possibly handle the burn she knew was sure to follow. Wine was the only thing she could stomach. It was sweet and it didn't make her body ache like she knew Rachael's and Max's would tomorrow.
No way did she need that.
It hurt everywhere as it was. She didn't need to add anything else to that pain. However, the wine had allowed her to feel-even if it was a lie for a while until it wore off. Then she'd find herself back down in the hole she had been slumped into for the past month.
"Dance, Savi. Please?" Rachael begged, glancing at her. Her hand reached across the table and laced Savannah's fingers with hers. Her friend's eyes pleaded while wavering with the same look that hadn't left everyone's since the funeral: sympathy and concern.
Savannah knew they would never force her to do anything she didn't want to. She was the one to turn down every invitation they threw at her until she caved with Max's offer this time. He knew her weakness, and bargaining to bring her coffee for two weeks straight had gotten her out of her small apartment and into the multi-colored dancing lights with music that Arielle loved. They meant well, but she also wanted them to stop thinking she'd break apart at any moment.
It was a nightclub, not an intervention of some sort.
Not that she would blame them if they did that.
Even she knew how far she had fallen, but she was trying. God, was she trying to pick up the pieces and find her way back to the woman she used to be. And maybe that was what they saw, and tried to give her a small push out of it.
But, Savannah didn't think they could. There was more to it than dealing without Arielle everywhere she went.
There was that smallest of cracks in her faith that had been built in a foundation since she was little. The very thing she held dear to her heart that now sat heavy on her chest like a ten ton brick had somehow been shoved inside her chest. The little voices of doubt inside her mind that wedged its way inside, prying apart every little piece of her life that she could have done differently.
Yet, none of it seemed reasonable enough to voice out loud. Not to her parents that had the same deep-rooted faith that she would anything to not disappoint. Nor Rachael or Max to see the familiar pity or grief that had slowly dwindled over the last two months.
"You know I don't dance, Rach. Not like that." Savannah twirled her hand as she gestured to the bodies that tried to mold into one. As if somehow they were trying to feel something other than what was on the surface. To hide the pain and lies that she knew many held underneath.
It won't make it go away.
Rachael's lips pressed into a thin line. Her eyes softened as she continued. "Live a little. Just this once. We don't want you to stay holed up in that apartment forever."
"I won't be forever." Savannah squeezed Rachael's hand to bring forth some reassurance she couldn't feel and let her friends know she would be alright.
She had to be.
I just need more time until the gaping hole goes away.
"Oh, c'mon, Anna," Max added, throwing her his signature smile. It was always bright and cheerful, yet it barely brought the same joy she remembered. There and gone before she could even grasp it. "One dance with me, and you'll be begging me for another."
Savannah's lips twitched. But she couldn't muster the same feelings she once had to laugh at his joke. Not when she had begun to question everything around her. Now, the only irrefutable things in her life were the two sitting beside her, her mother, and her father. Nothing else in life made sense anymore.
Not her feelings, not the future, and not her faith that had waned since that night.
So many questions surrounded everything. All of it was shrouded in questions whose answers she knew she'd never receive. Yet she still waited for some sort of clarification, unable to let go.
"Go on, V. Max is a dork, but he's also right." Arielle's voice was always there when she debated on something. That same bright, cheerful voice in her head said exactly what she thought her friend would say in certain moments. It was like she was still there, without a tangible body and voice of her own.
Why was letting go so hard?
Savannah gave Max a small smile. "And what do you get out of it? I'm not your type."
Max's hazel eyes held the same jest they always had. But they somehow wavered, like his confidence wasn't all there. Or maybe that was because of her. It pained her even more to know that she continued to hurt them when all they wanted was to be there for her and make sure she didn't drown in sorrow. A half smile spread across his face that didn't reach his eyes. "I get to see those beautiful brown eyes light up while I make jokes about how you have two left feet and then tell you about the hot guy who's watching you while I watch him."
It was Savannah's turn to press her lips into a thin line.
Here Max was, doing whatever he thought would cheer her up while trying to get her to feel the rhythm of life once again, but it was gone; dead, severed, cut, torn, whatever you wanted to call it. And Savannah didn't know how to repair it. But she loved them for trying and sticking around to deal with her deteriorating self.
Savannah contemplated Max's offer. Actually thought about going out onto that crowded dance floor with him and dance. Her thoughts were cut short by cool air that swept over her, making her arms shiver. Her eyes wandered over to the door that let the night air into the stuffy, warm establishment.
Four looming figures stepped through the threshold of the nightclub, catching the attention of those around them. Their gazes barely soaked in the scene, their gazes casting across the room before they moved further into the club, sliding past people with ease as they made their way to the bar, as if their presence was enough to part the crowds..
"Oh, hell. They are hot."
Savannah leaned away from Rachael, glancing at her friend as the words fell from her mouth in a whisper. Savannah shook her head but didn't offer a response since Rachael was right, not that she would tell her so. There was no telling what her friend would do if she agreed to that statement.
She peered over at the quartet of men, following their figures as they made their way to an empty table as the previous occupants moved to the dance floor.
Doubt they'll get those seats back, Savannah thought, eyeing the men still.
It was odd to see the four men take up a table that seemed too small for their figures. One had angled the chair sideways to have more legroom while another crossed his ankle over his knee. The other two sat nonchalantly, not seeming to care about the attention they got.
Savannah was glad not to have moved at all and lost their spot amongst the swarm of bodies that sought a place to rest their feet.
"Anna!" Max's voice shouted across from her.
Savannah turned to Max, finding her friends already smiling at her, a glint in their eyes.
Rolling her eyes, she ignored their antics, and took another sip of her drink before responding callously, "What? I'm not the only one curious about them."
Way to play that off, Savannah. She mentally cringed at how dumb that sounded. It did nothing to wipe the smirk off her friend's face, eyes brightening at the slight interest she showed.
"True," Rachael stated, raising a shoulder nonchalantly before she continued pointedly. "But, you are the only one that ate them up between us."
Savannah's nose scrunched up at the accusation. "I did not. And who says it like that anyways?"
"Apparently, Rachael does," Max added, rolling his eyes at Rachael who swung lightly at him. "But she's also not wrong. You would have fallen out of your chair if I didn't catch your attention. Though, I might have followed you down too." Max wiggled his eyebrows which made her narrow her eyes at him, trying to put some anger behind it, but failing. His impish grin never left his face.
"Now, that would be something."
"Rachael," Savannah scolded, shooting her friend a pointed look.
"Oh, come on," Rachael said. "Live a little. Just a smidge, Savi. "
"I am living a little," she responded, raising the water downed drink with a raised brow.
Max tilted his head slightly, giving her one of those 'you-know-what-we-mean' looks.
Rachael raised a brow. "You know that's not what we meant. You're hiding away from anything that has to remind you of him. He was a douche and you deserve better. There's nothing wrong with dipping your toes into the water."
Savannah tucked her bottom lip between her teeth, staring at Rachael as if even the thought of stepping near the idea of a relationship was haunting in itself.
Even with their looks, Savannah knew it wasn't the only thing that drew her attention. There was an undeniable pull that lured her toward them with more than just her gaze. It wasn't their looks that drew her attention. They had an undeniably magnetic presence that pulled her in. That scared her more than it should have.
Savannah should have known better than continue entertaining them, but their presence was inescapable.
It made her want to keep looking and soak in everything that she could see. And there was plenty.
One of the men with short brownish hair had a smile that spread across his face while the one next to him scowled over at him. They seemed similar, both brown hair and blue eyes, but that was it.
The other two she could only see from behind. One had short blond hair on a broad frame. The other had a leaner build and bright red hair with curls, similar to Max's, but the sides of his head seemed to be shaved.
Either they were very perceptive or she had been staring longer than she thought when a pair of those blue eyes met hers over the blond's shoulder. It drew the attention of the others seemingly just as quickly when three other pairs turned toward where she sat.
A pain shot through her chest, constricting the organ that kept her going beyond what she thought it was capable of.
Savannah lowered her head, breaking eye contact from the blond's gaze, when she realized he wasn't taking a simple glance at her. Vibrant red eyes seemed to glow against the lights in the club, interchanging from a vibrant red to a seemingly cold brown that stared back at her. It wasn't the questioning of why they looked so unearthly, or the slight shiver that ran down her spine just meeting his gaze. It was his features that got to her. The same man she remembered seeing when Arielle's casket was being lowered six feet into the ground. His face was embedded in her mind; it was all she could see staring back at her from behind that tree. It gnawed at her, bringing everything back to the surface that she barely squashed into the ground.
He wasn't anyone she knew. And no matter how much she told herself that Arielle wouldn't have ever kept someone a secret from her, the mystery of his identity stuck to the corner of her mind like a leech. One that sunk its teeth into her and wouldn't let go, no matter how much trust she had in Arielle. It was the haze of mist from all the doubt that clouded her judgment.
What do you know, though? Nothing has been the same.
Warmth spread up her neck and to her cheeks. She hadn't meant to stare at him, or them, openly for so long.
"You okay, Anna?"
Savannah turned to Max, catching his softened gaze. Rachael sipped her drink slowly, peering at her over the rim of her glass.
"Yeah."
"You looked like you wanted to walk over to that table and hop onto one of their laps for a second," Rachael added. "I wouldn't blame you 'cause they're fine as fu-"
"Rachael!" She hissed, reaching her arm over and smacking her friend.
"What? I'm not wrong. I'm not saying you have to sleep with him...or them. Though I would tell you to go for it, all of them. You're not tied down and there's nothing wrong with looking."
"That's not fair, Rae, and you know that," Max defended, narrowing his eyes at Rachael.
Rachael glared right back at Max. The same heated expression Arielle used to have whenever the topic of Savannah's ex-fiancèe, David came up. "So isn't letting him get away with what he did." Rachael's expression softened as she turned to her. Savannah saw the silent plea in her friend's gazes. "You deserve to see who's out there without fear of them being like him. There are plenty of men out there that would love to have what he fucked up. And he fucked up, Savi."
She didn't want to remember that night. Not tonight, tomorrow, or ever. If she could burn it out of her mind, she would, but that meant forgetting it. And it was a lesson learned, even if it had broken her trust in relationships.
"Rachael," she groaned out, resting her forehead on her fingers.
"I'm sorry. I know, but honestly. It's like the lowest sin you could do. If David is still breathing after what he did, I'm sure you'll be fine." Rachael waved her arm, casually dismissing the topic. "I'm not saying you have to jump into bed with them in one night, but you could try something casual."
"I hate to say it, but she's not wrong, Anna."
Groaning at their insistence, she glanced over at the table occupied by the ethereal men. They were too good to be true. No one was that eye-catching without some sort of flaw. At least not in her mind. There was bound to be something that should deter her.
If she didn't back out before that.
The same pair of blue eyes met hers again, as if he somehow knew she was talking about them. His brown hair gleamed in the lights that danced around, brightening the blues in his eyes.
She quickly turned her gaze away when she realized she stared too long. She couldn't tell the shade of blue, but they held a depth to them like the darkest parts of the ocean, visible every time the lights hit them, pulling her in like a rip current.
"Just go," Rachael said, dragging out the ending.
Savannah raised a brow, responding firmly. "Why don't you go?"
"Psh." Rachael waved her hand. "They may be hot, but they're not my type. Besides, I'd rather see you get out there again. There's no harm in talking to them. Who knows, they might not be in town long enough for it to matter."
She hated it when Rachael had a point. It would be different if it were someone she knew.
What was the harm in going over there to ask the blond's relationship to Arielle? It wasn't as if she was asking them out for coffee or anything.
Savannah took a sip of her glass, wishing the watered-down substance would give another burst of confidence on top of the adrenaline shooting through her. She ignored the glances Rachael and Max gave each other, though she could see the curve of a smile appear on Rachael's.
"Yo-"
"Don't ruin it, Rae. Let her go quietly," Max quickly cut Rachael off, slapping his hand over her mouth.
Giving Max a small smile, Savannah stood from the table, straightened her back, and took a deep breath. The first step was the hardest. Her body felt weighted as she faced their table, quickly squashing the nerves that crawled up her body. The rest were like a haze, muddled and fused as if she was submerged under dense water. She had to ignore the one that followed her every move. His stare, which had not left her once since she stood up and began to make her way over, ignited her skin underneath her clothes where he stared.
You can do this, Savannah. Ignore the others.
Savannah rolled her eyes with a huff. As if.
Savannah wanted to scold herself and turn back, but she didn't still she was a foot from the table. Her gaze lowered onto the tabletop before she mustered the courage to peer up at the man.