CHAPTER 3I will be the first to admit—my relationship with Jason, for lack of a better word, is complicated. We've known each other for six years, shifting from enemies to friends to rivals, but sometimes, in the spaces between, we could've been something more. My first kiss was with him. We were in our first year of high school—I was fifteen—and I had the biggest crush on a guy named Marc. When things between us started to feel serious, I panicked. What if he kissed me? What if I embarrassed myself? I begged Jason to teach me how to kiss so I wouldn't make a fool of myself. He thought I was insane. But that evening, he took me to the abandoned library on campus. It wasn't a real library—more like an old office filled with dusty shelves—but people called it that anyway. We sat on the floor, face to face, just staring at each other for what felt like forever. Then, he cupped my face and kissed me. It was barely a brush of lips. Soft. Tentative. A single spark before the wildfire. Then, we kissed again—deeper this time. My mind unraveled, and I let it. For a moment, nothing existed but this—his lips, his warmth, the way my body leaned into his like it belonged there. I stopped thinking, stopped analyzing, just let myself feel. When he pulled away, I was dazed. Our foreheads rested together, our breaths tangled in the silence between us. Then, he looked into my eyes and said, "Don't kiss Marc." So I didn't. We never talked about what happened after that. We just went back to normal. Except, I didn't like Marc anymore, which made things awkward between us for a while. Eventually, we settled on friendship. Jason dated other people. I avoided the topic of us whenever he tried to bring it up. We were too young. We were best friends. Best friends kiss all the time, I told myself. He never pushed. Maybe he knew I wasn't ready. And yet, there were so many almosts. Almost kissing. Almost confessing. Almost becoming something more. But the almosts terrified me. I wasn't afraid of loving him—I already did. I was afraid of what would happen if we didn't work out. Who would I be without him? The thought seemed inconceivable, and the answer was simple. Nothing. Jason was my beginning and my end. My safe place, my reason to wake up in the morning. Without him, I wasn't sure I'd even exist. ### Jason leaves tomorrow. As head prefect, he has to arrive early to help settle the first years. The only good thing about being prefects is that we get to live in the prefects' compound—a cluster of beautiful little cottages instead of the regular dorms. I wait until my house is silent, then sneak out. I have a spare key to his house, and his room is on the ground floor, so it's easy. I've been doing this for years. When I step inside, he's still awake, leaning against his headboard. "I was waiting for you," he says, opening his arms. I don't hesitate. I climb into his bed, wrapping myself around him, and he strokes my hair. For a long time, we just exist like this. In silence. In us. I break it first. "I can't believe we're in our last year." "It feels like forever," he says. "And yet, like no time has passed at all." "Are we even growing older, or is time just moving around us?" He looks at me then, something unreadable in his eyes. "I wish time would stop for us." My breath catches. How can he say things like that? How can he look at me like that and expect me to stay sane? I shift, straddling his lap, bringing us closer. Our foreheads touch. We always end up like this. A routine carved so deeply into our bones that I can't imagine anything ever shaking it. "I wish—" I start, but I don't finish. Because I have everything I need right now. As long as I can keep this feeling at bay—the overwhelming, consuming desire for more—we will be fine. But it's getting harder. It's like standing in the ocean, watching the tide pull back, knowing the next wave will be the one that drags me under. Jason closes his eyes. I don't know what he's thinking. What he's trying to hide from me. Then, he closes the gap and presses a featherlight kiss to my lips. "I miss you already," he whispers. I smile. "I'll be there in a week." "The whole week will be excruciating." I nudge him playfully. "How did you ever live without me?" "I honestly don't even know." Silence settles over us again, heavier this time. I don't remember who I was before Jason, and I don't want to. I like to think I created him with my thoughts. But in reality, he brought me to life. Sometimes, I wonder if what I feel isn't normal. If it's too much. Too obsessive. Too possessive. But I don't care. As long as I have him, everything is right in the world. With that thought, I fall asleep in his arms. He will wake me later to send me home. He will hold me tightly, like he's afraid to let go. And once I leave, all the dread I've been suppressing will settle like an anchor in my chest.