Hey, stop. Guys, what? No, what's happening? What's going on? Someone tell me! Stop it, this is scaring me. Mom!? What's going on? What's happening? Never before had I ever been more terrified. Every time it happened, it left me terrified, my heart pounding through my chest, the air always snatched from my lungs, and my legs trembling.
Aeshi, Aeshi, wake up, AESHI!
"Huh, yes, Mom?" I muttered, my vision hazy from exhaustion.
"Your father," she said, her voice clipping.
"Oh, damn it," I said under my breath. Those words sent a spike through my heart.
"He wants you to go speak to him. He's in the living room."
"really...What does he want?" My voice quivered, pulling the blanket over my head.
"Aeshi, please,"her voice cracked, pleading.
"Okay," I said begrudgingly.
"hey…Honey,he loves you… he really does," she was trying to ease me.
"Honestly, Wish He didn't even care," I mumbled with my voice cracking.
My mother's lips trembled, and her eyes clouded with guilt. I could tell—she was blaming herself again.
How could she blame herself? What could she have done? We were both just victims.
I wish she could recognize that…I wish she could forgive herself.
"Aeshi," she whispered, breaking the silence.
"Please, honey"
"please. I just…I just want my baby to know her father " "I just want you to know he loves you," her face crumpled, "so please…just humor me, honey. Just this once… please."
I could see the sorrow when my mom spoke, it shattered me.
"Okay, Mom, I'll be down in a bit, and I love you."
"I love you too honey," her smile wasn't one that quite reached her eyes.
She was so sweet, but oh, Mom, you don't even know half of it, and I couldn't bear to tell you. Where would I even start? How would someone even go about confessing that? It doesn't even matter anymore. It's not like I'm planning on telling anyone anytime soon anyway. Now, what should I wear? A few ideas popped into my head. I could wear my red sundress—I love the elegant vibe—or maybe just some jeans and a crop top. Dressing up always made me so happy. It's one of the few times when I get to focus on myself. It's liberating. It's the only time I get to make a decision for myself, and nobody can say anything about it. Yet all of that joy was stolen when I remembered why I was getting ready. I'm going to meet that…man. My teeth were gritting just thinking about it. It gave me a cottonmouth.
"How could he?"
BANG! AUGH!
"fuck!" I winced, my hand throbbing. Dammit… I guess I'll just have to settle for a hoodie. I stood there getting dressed to see him, memories of the past began to creep back in, they left scars deeper than anything I could ever see.Years ago I had asked myself the same questions…why me? My eyes filled with tears again, I collapsed to my knees, my body shaking with the weight of it all.
"Why me? God, tell me why?" my voice broke, barley a whisper, carrying years of pain
I wanted to weep on that floor forever. but I've never had that luxury so I pushed it down, and buried it like always. After finishing my shower, I reached for the handle slowly. I could feel the anxiety churning in my chest, my hands trembling. I grasped the cold metal and turned.
At the top of the stairs, the pressure hit me like a wave. I could already feel it—nerve-wracking, suffocating. My breath grew heavy, as if I were inhaling smog. The wood creaked with every step as I descended, the stench of cigarettes growing unbearably strong, until I met his gaze.
My heart spiked, and my skin flushed white, as if it were frostbitten. The only word I could muster was a stifled "hey."
My father grinned, his eyes squinted in amusement.
"Ahhh, Aeshiii," he said, his arms splayed wide. He reached me before I even realized it. "Ahh, Aeshi, why so awkward? I just want to see you,"
I flinched as he ensnared me in his arms.
"I love you, darling," he whispered in my ear.
He put his hand on my shoulder, and my chest grew tighter with every second. My hoodie started to feel like a straightjacket.
"How are you doing, dear?" he asked, his hand still latched on my shoulder.
All I could muster was a choked wisp of air.
The pressure was crushing, boiling over—burning me with each passing second.
SHUFFLE* suddenly he flinched letting go.
My body jolted in terror as something grabbed my leg. It was my little brother, Na-seong, my little star.
"Aeshi, I missed you so much sis!" he said in excitement. His joy has always been contagious, I couldn't help but let out a gleaming smile.
"I miss you too little man, you're growing up on me aren't you."
"Yea sis I grew a uhh this much!" he said proudly while holding up three fingers.
"Wow a whole three centimeters, you better tell mister yang dong-geun you're coming for his trophies," I said with a smile.
"Woah you really think so sis, you think I could be like him, like really really?"
"For sure little man you could be whoever you want to be my little rock star."
"So I could be like you too sis?! I wanna be like sis."
"Of course you could, you are my little brother after all," she said ruffling my hair.
Big sis is always so strong. Could I really be like her?
I'm going to be like sis one day!
Na-seong hugged me tighter.
"Hey!" The moment stuttered I glanced back up to him "I'm going to leave…" he said reluctantly "...and your brother can stay."
I glanced down to see Na-seong beaming with excitement.
"Let's get out of here lil man, lets go have some fun"
The breath my brother gives, his light, his flame, i'll protect it before it's too late, i swear it…
The light innocent giggles, the rhythmic clatter of heels. The shimmering blue light. The cold glass against my palm. Nothing could compare, and my brother seemed to agree, his cheek pressed against the glass, entranced by their beauty.
"Aeshi…do you think I could be one of them one day?" His voice was small, almost like he was afraid that I'd laugh.
I giggled, but it was weak, fragile.
Sometimes I wonder how that life would be—how it would feel for them to delicately float there, embraced by water, bathed by light.
In truth, I envy them. They float weightlessly, tranquilly, with no worries, no threats, no pressure—just existence.
I want to give him that type of life.
Even if it's already too late for me.
But one thought seeped into my mind as I gazed at the joy and amusement on my little brother's face.
Could I really protect him?