Prologue: saving me isn't enough
You're nothing, you will always be nothing. You are forever worthless, you are forever weak and powerless,
...because you're a girl.
You'll never be strong enough, you'll never be wise or cool, you'll never change anything, no one will ever look up to you. You'll never be able to stand on your own two feet. You'll spend your entire life depending on others,
because you're a girl.
Because you are useless. You were born to be used and thrown away.
The heavens made you as an afterthought, you were never worth anything to begin with, and you will never have the strength needed to change anything.
A woman can never hold a dagger, or a crown, or sit upon a throne, because she is weak, desperate, and useless, the only use they have is to sit in a seat lazily and look beautiful. If you are ugly, then you can't even do that right and should quietly hide yourself away, serving the greater gender until the last of your days.
Why? Why do these thoughts always cloud my mind? Who is speaking these things to me? Who is saying such words? No one says them to my face, so why must my mind be so cruel? Why do I always instinctively look up to men anyway? Why must I always think of myself as worthless?
Because you are.
No.
Haven't you seen it before? Has there ever been a time when a woman could triumph over a man in strength without the man being vastly underqualified? Was there ever a time when a woman could sit on a throne and make her own empire? Women are made to live in the shadow of another, to serve another. Being a woman has always been a mar on your otherwise perfect body.
Why? Why do you say these things to me?
At the end of her days, Yinsu could only argue out her hate for her own body, rather than change anything, because she'd never had the chance to change anything. Never had she the chance to learn great martial arts, nor had she been able to pick up a blade. Her life had always been in the hands of others, just like it was at this moment.
Men surrounded her. They already started with a strong base from being men, and add onto that martial arts, she wasn't their match in any way. And yet, she fought them. She'd taken out more than either side had expected. But now, she, the great princess of Kengfeng, was going to die by the hands of third rate warriors. The one at the front stepped out, brandishing his blade, nervous from her biting her previous opponent's finger clean off.
"Just give up nicely, and we'll make sure to only go one round with you before you die."
He licked his lips, looking down on her as if she were a piece of steak. She hated it. She hated this world, she hated that her own mind was so disgusted with her own existence. This hate was knotted in her heart. But she wouldn't die this way. If she were to die, she might as well die a virgin. She took the blade that she carried and held it at her neck, ready to end it all.
Only, it wouldn't come to that. She knew this, looking up, a handsome man fell through the roof tiles, grabbing her wrist away from her neck and pulling her into his arms.
"No need to take it so far." He joked about the most traumatic moment of her life. His arm was strong, and fit around her thin waist well. His large hand could hold the whole of her hip, and Yinsu hated it. She hated how small she was, how large his hand was. Men often complained that their large size scared women, Yinsu complained that their large size made her feel so inferior. She knew it was just her mind playing tricks on her, however, lies told to you daily become truths before you know it.
She looked up at the man, he was unafraid of the men around him, like they were ants. She always respected this about men, their unabashed confidence, even if they were bound to lose, they could always believe that they'd win. She, however, she was always bound to lose, even before she began. He looked down at her, seeing her fawning eyes, smiled back, kindly, and bravely, like nothing was wrong. It was a nice smile. Yinsu almost wanted to cuddle up in his arms and pretend nothing was wrong with the world, only, something was wrong with her heart, and instead of wanting to cuddle up in them, she wanted to throw them off and pick him up instead and save him, so that he might look at her with the same respect she felt inclined to give him. Only, she'd never get that respect. Because you don't deserve it. Shut up! She shouted at herself, even as the man slaughtered everyone around.
Effortlessly slaughtering everyone that had sneered at her earlier, he held her without worry, close to his body, folding in and out, so that he would block the blood splatter from landing on her soft, unbroken skin.
So beautiful, he couldn't help but admire it. And to think it had almost been ruined by such low class men!
Only, the more he looked at her, with her eyes fast shut, her lashes down, and her face at peace, he began to notice something was wrong. Since when was it? Since when was she so limp in his arms? How had he not noticed? Since when had that bloody scar appeared on her sallow neck? Since when had the blood on his arm not been from his enemies, but from the one he wished to protect?
Yes, Yinsu had done it. Unable to handle the self-loathing any longer, she'd taken her life, and torn away her ties to the world. Why? Why did she have to be born a woman? From the moment she was born till now, she had never been given an answer. When she was young she was able to brush it off, but now, now that she was older, she couldn't deal with it anymore. In the end, she hadn't changed anything, not even herself, before she'd given up on everything, and claimed defeat, choosing death rather than living on in the weak body of a woman. Afterall, her entire existence had been a mistake.
Only, it seemed the heavens wanted to laugh on her yet, because she wasn't allowed to give up, and was reborn. Into the body of a woman. Again.
And now a three year old held tears in her eyes, as the same hate plagued a new child under the eaves of an old house, meanwhile her older brothers starved to death, and her mother lay on her deathbed, and her father had long since abandoned them. However, with this new child, came a new heart, a heart that didn't care anymore. If the heavens were bound to keep her as a woman, then let them, she'll prove the whole world wrong. She'll show them. She'll show them what she can do, even as a measly woman. Perhaps this time, she'd become masculine enough to get respect! Or, perhaps, if she was to be a woman, she could live as a woman to her fullest, finding a strength that surpasses what a man could ever hold? No, that wouldn't happen. But either way, she was going to live as someone that others respected, not as one they protected.
The wind blew hard that day, smacking dust into the child's tearful eyes, but the child didn't blink.
----author's note----
Before I begin this story, let me explain,
Everyone has something they hate about themselves, everyone has lies they feed their brain, consciously, and subconsciously. Yinsu has but one of those issues, but i'd hope this story would be about someone overcoming any of those issues, any of those things that make them feel worthless.