I jumped the fence just to meet an old sight that I had forgotten. It brought back unwanted memories, I did my best to push them down to the deepest parts of my mind. Following my instincts I stuck close to the wall, doing my best to avoid the height of the windows.
The familiar texture of the wall stopped me, it almost forced me to look at it. So faded. A minute passed. That was too much time spent there, I needed to leave.
In front of me, there was the oh-so-familiar gate. I wasn't thinking clearly and walked into the sight of the windows. At the corner of my eye, I saw the front door open and someone peeking, I pretended that I didn't see it. With a swift, very much repeated motion, I opened the gate and moved to the other side of it.
Not sure what was on my mind, but I stopped there behind the wooden fence, slowly took off my backpack and put it down on the ground. Maybe I just wanted to check something, or maybe I knew what was about to happen. Either way...
I heard a single pair of footsteps approach me at a steady pace. Cold air covered me with waves of regret following right after.
A coarse, calm and defeated voice asks, "When are you coming home?"
My anger came out of my pores, the regret swelled in my throat, and sadness filled my eyes, "Just leave me alone."
The coarse voice expresses its confusion, "What do you mean? Just come back home."
My voice barely pushed past my teeth, "Don't act like any of that matters anymore."
I look up towards the coarse voice. He looks just like I remembered. I hate it. I hate it so much.
His eyes looked down at me with an empty glare, I knew exactly what he was thinking. I could see the pressure he was experiencing as I glared back.
Regret and doubt shrivelled up his lips, "I do care about you. I didn't mean to hurt you..."
I couldn't stop my voice, "Stop! Everything that comes out of your mouth hurts me more than you can imagine. There's not a single thing that you could say that wouldn't cause me pain."
My voice pauses, I don't want to do this, "Please. Just leave me alone."
He grabs onto the fence with all of his strength, "I'm s-"
I feel my voice crack, "Fuck... Shut up!"
His eyes widen, "Please, let m-"
"NO!", I can't take this, "You're dead!"
He weakens his grip on the fence, his facial expression weakens, he's not pretending anymore, "I know..."
My eyes can't look at him anymore, "Then why do you still torture me like this every night?"
There's no response from him, I continue, "This isn't even the 'you' that I remember. Some of the last memories I have of you is about how you said 'oh, son' in such a disappointed voice as the cops took you away."
I'm having difficulty seeing the ground, "What the fuck were you disappointed in? That your son didn't allow you to kill yourself?"
Everything gets blurry, I can hear his sad breath, "The way you acted like you're the victim the whole time while hurting everyone around you. The way you just broke everything apart without so much as an apology. I don't even know what you thought about any of us when you..."
I laugh as tears finally flow down, "And you know what's the worst fucking part? It's that I understand you. I often even question if I'll manage to hit your age. Seems like I have a similar view on life as you."
He falls to the ground on his knees, tears drop next to him.
I calmly stare at the blurry ground, "But even if I understand you and what made you do the things you did, I can't forgive you. I don't think I will ever be able to."
His voice barely escapes his throat before he collapses, "I'm sorry."
"I don't care."