I climbed into bed with that same empty feeling in my chest, loneliness. It was etched into my heart and I couldn't feel anything else. I pictured in my head the halls that I walked in school, how every couple held hands down the hallway, every man dropping their girlfriend off to class. Every time I saw this occur, my heart sank. No one looked my way, no one even dare try.
I tried to imagine what my future boyfriend could possibly look like and wondering to myself if he would be kind or smart. Yet each time this thought passed, my heart broke, for I knew that there was no point. No one would love me, no one would kiss me, and no one would hold my hand as they walked me to class. All I wanted were those simple things.
Though my heart yearned for someone to look at me with loving eyes, I knew deep down no one would want me. For I have spent years feeling this way, ever since I was the age of thirteen.
My dream was to get married and be a mother of thirteen children. Thirteen may seem like a lot but I loved children, I loved the way that babies just blankly stared at me whenever I passed by a mother and her baby shopping at the grocery store. Everytime I saw that stare, I knew that I wanted to have a big family of my own, to have many children and enjoy the challenges that children bring.
As I lay here, however, with no boyfriend and no prospect or hope of having this dream, my soul was utterly crushed. Just envisioning having those things for myself, made me yearn for them more.
I fidgeted with my left hand, knowing that my ring finger would probably be left blank. Than I curled up into the fetal position, grabbing my knees for support. Curled up in this position, I began to feel the emptiness in my chest more and how this reflected into my physical life.
Pain began to cascade throughout my whole chest, my heart felt as if it was being torn apart bit by bit, slowly as if it was torture itself. What's worse is I began mumbling to myself, my throat caught in sadness, "I wish someone loved me." My vision soon became blurry from tears, each one I could feel rolling down my face. Soft sobs fell from my lips as my heart and soul continued to torture me with and endless sadness. Some of my tears landed in my mouth, leaving a salty taste upon my lips.
Than I thought to myself how much God must have hated me, for I was stuck in this endless cycle night after night. Feeling as if no one cared and that I was invisible.
Even so, I got out of my fetal position and kneeled down before my window that was just by my bedframe, looking up at the stars and the moon that shined brightly in the sky. With tears continuing to stream down my face, I folded my hands and pleaded before God to let someone love me, "Dear God, I ask you for someone to love me romantically. I yearn for a boyfriend and to be kissed. If you would give me this one wish, I promise I will never leave his side, I will be forever loyal and do anything that he asks of me. I would love it if he were to marry me and have children with me someday. I would be very happy. Though, even if he were to leave me and tell me that I am not good enough, I would never move on. My first kiss will guarantee a lifetime of loyalty, for he would be the only one I'd be with. Please consider this prayer, in Jesus name, Amen." Throughout this whole speech, staring up at the moon and stars, my voice would crack each time my heart sent a painful pang throughout my chest. Even if my voice went dead, I meant every word that I spoke. I made an eternal promise within me that I would keep until my dying breath. Soon after I would return to my fetal position and cry myself to sleep.
Each night I would pray. Each night I would cry. Each night I imagined myself laying next to the man who loved me, envisioning his arms wrapped around me while we slept. Each night I would hate myself, for everyday I got up and walked through my school halls and still no one looked at me. Each night I would write in my journal, projecting my feelings onto the page through stories. Each night my heart would grow colder, dimmer, less life within it.
No matter how hard I seemed to try, more make-up, more dress-up, more smiling, more communicating and saying hello to passing students. I still would recieve nothing, no hello back, no passing glances. I truly felt invisible within the walls of my school. I began to wonder if I truly existed at all.
As time went by, I noticed that less of myself could be seen and felt. My heart once flourished with imagination, life, and love. I could feel every heartbeat echo throughout my chest in a beautiful light. It felt as if I could walk on clouds. But with each passing day, my heart chipped way, leaving an empty carcass to rot and fester. My once life filled eyes grew dark and hazy. The smile that was always plastered on my face drew to a weary thin line of gloom and darkness.
I was the only one who saw this, for I pretended to be fine by faking a smile on my face in front of my family. Making them believe that my life wasn't being torn to pieces. Everyday I put up a facade so they wouldn't see what was actually happening. Surprisingly it worked, which made me feel worse, them not being able to see past my lie and straight into my soul. Sometimes I wished for them to ask me what was wrong, but they never asked.
This routine lasted for seven years straight, day by day praying, wishing, hoping for a boyfriend while my soul slowly tore to pieces.