How many drops of water are there in the ocean? How many stars are there in the sky?
Have you had these sorts of questions?
I doubt it. Such erratic inquiries with no solid, or comprehensible, answers aren't worth entertaining.
Trying to answer the first question would take countless lifetimes since the number varies with evaporation and rain.
Trying to answer the second question like the first would take countless lifetimes since the number also varies with supernovas and more stars forming.
Such nonsensical questions have such nonsensical answers.
Something that we, feeble humans, would never be able to fully understand.
But what if we were?
Or should I say, what if someone were?
If someone were to be able to exist for all of eternity, would they be able to obtain the answers to these questions?
Or would they be driven to madness and attempt to stop their pitiful existence?
What a sad existence an eternal being must have.
But, there has to be an upside to existing forever, right?
They'd be able to do countless things.
They'd lose countless things.
They'd be able to experience countless emotions.
They'd be forced to suffer with countless negative emotions.
I wouldn't want to be forced to exist forever. That's why I'm glad that my life is ephemeral rather than eternal.
I already hate living as it is. The monotony of my everyday life isn't something that I'd want to experience for another year, let alone all of eternity.
But if I were to exist forever, or perhaps become eternal, what would I do with my time?
I'd probably use my time trying to be a more friendly person and talk to more people than I do now. The only people I talk to nowadays are my family.
I wouldn't say that I hate my family, but I do hate the distance between us. Family to me are just strangers I happen to be related to.
This doesn't apply fully to my little sister, though.
My little sister can be a pain in the ass, at times, but I appreciate her trying to interact with me.
Without her, I'd be waking up in the middle of the day and skipping school. She's the reason why my attendance is decent. But the days I'm not at school I'm either watching shows or movies, reading, or playing video games.
My life is rather dull if you couldn't already tell.
If I were eternal, I'd also try to get out of my comfort zone.
I'd make friends.
I'd go out with my friends; I'd watch movies and eat at restaurants with them.
I'd live my life, rather than indulge myself in the hikikomori lifestyle that I've adopted. And I wonder why people aren't interested in me.
When I watch my little sister interact with her friends, she always seems so happy. Would I also feel happy if I were to make some friends?
To say I've never had a single friend in my entire life would be a lie. I have had a friend before. But I don't want to talk about her, quite yet. I will say one thing about her though. She wasn't nice to me. She was kind. Even though everything that came out of her mouth was complete and utter nonsense, it felt nice lending her my ear and listening to all of her problems. How could someone in middle school have so many interesting things to talk about? I didn't talk much about myself, but when I did, I bet she was bored. But whenever I spoke, she always seemed interested. Some people are good liars.
I digress.
I apologize for boring you with my whining. All I've done is complain about my boring life and wonder how I can become happy.
Happiness—
Would an eternally existing person be able to always be in a state of happiness?
Of course not—
Eternal happiness isn't possible.
It's impossible—
Is God happy?
People say that God is an all-powerful, all-mighty, and all-good being.
But would He be happy?
Would he be able to love us?
I doubt it.
Perfect people are incapable of loving. Only flawed people can understand others and love them.
Yet, I'm flawed. I'd argue that I'm the most flawed person that has existed, exists, and will exist. And yet, I don't love.
Of course, I tell my family that I love them, but that's the sort of love that's mandatory because we're family.
Would I love or even care about them if we weren't related?
Of course not.
I would walk across them on the road and would forget about them as soon as we passed each other.
What a shallow, despicable human being I am. Can you even call me a human?
If I were God, and I could exist forever, what type of world would I desire? One where interhuman conflicts didn't exist? A world where people have a perfect understanding of one another? How about a world where people didn't exist? A world where only I exist.
What a hell that must be.
It would, quite literally, be hell.
Would I prefer that over what I have right now?
It pains me to see how easily my sister can talk to her friends.
It pains me how difficult it is for me to make and retain friends.
It pains me to lose the only friend I've ever had.
If I were God, I'd—
No—
I shouldn't think like that.
I apologize.
I apologize for never trying to make friends after losing my first one.
I apologize for being jealous of my sisters for being able to ever so easily make friends.
I apologize for thinking of my family as "strangers I happen to be related to."
I apologize for being a pitiful piece of trash who's aware of how shitty he is, yet refuses to take action.
I, Kiyomi Otonashi, have never and will never love—
I, Kiyomi Otonashi, have never and will never experience happiness—
I, Kiyomi Otonashi, wonder:
How many seconds in eternity?