From The Bowels Of My Insides

FROM THE BOWELS OF MY INSIDES: THE POETRY BUNCH – ONLY1REVELATION

1. HADIJKA

Hadijka we come from two opposite worlds,

Two distinct worlds with ideologies which are parallel,

Intimate association of people from your world and mine has been drawn as an impossibility,

I've tried so hard to conceal my feelings, but they keep erupting,

I can't seem to think straight, thoughts of you keep interrupting,

I keep growing close to you, these feelings keep evolving,

I'm faced with a brick wall wherever I turn to,

We keep holding ourselves back even though we both know we want to.

Religion is the biggest wall between us,

In a way I feel so helpless and confused,

I'm not sure if I'm mistaking attention for affection,

I'm not sure if I'm mistaking care for love,

I'm not sure if I'm mistaking blurred anger for lust,

Or is it the way our eyes connect sending shock waves like an electric pulse,

Garnished with your smile that gives me excessive goosebumps and butterflies.

I get lost when I look into your eyes,

You're endowed in every way there is, just a glance at you takes me on a journey of a thousand miles,

A touch from you is a touch from heaven, It makes me daydream taking you down the aisle,

Watching your light brown skin being kissed by the sun,

Makes me run wild, causing my body to burn,

Causing me to die in torment of jealously wishing it were my turn.

Its so sad how fate has come between us,

Wishing us the best in ways that seem to hurt us,

Its fascinating how close we've become in months,

How much we ogle at each other with our eyes filled with lust,

Holding each other with our hearts filled with trust,

Keeping up with the sail till the day our ship gets blocked,

Keeping up with living a lie till the doors of reality unlock,

When the time set for our heartbreak hits on the clock.

2. TO MUM

I herald thee, soldier of light; your glow outshines the gorgeous crepusculum light,

There lies beauty at vespers, but she outshines however,

Storms battered and tore,

But it was not the end of the tour,

You came back to us four,

Beautiful still! And more than before getting heavily more gorgeous,

You are redesigned to source and putting in all force, surplus!

Though the path ahead bores you worry a lot right from now,

You find the best way to be for now,

And whenever tears fall on thought of tomorrow,

You lay back to your know beyond all,

Source of course; forever is and never fails,

We are never alone pon the ship, he forever stays,

Forever guides, through whatever ails,

I forever hail and forever sail with all him and only him

My lips resonance are his hymns, I'll forever sing

And I am ever grateful to you for all and whatever,

Through every and however,

I thank source for you and my father,

Us all, our stories, triumphs through trials.

3. GODLY

I am a child of the wild, it's all I know I do not fancy the mild,

I learnt about beauty from the chaos,

I had to be sharpest though started blunt,

Since I had two odd numbers to my age's count I have been lighting blunts,

Making and righting wrongs, pulling stunts,

Getting turnt, getting burnt and in sometimes I've done the burnings.

I have picked and dropped a lot of lifestyles and picked up some more,

I got memories that feel like someone else's from when I was not on my path, but someone else's

I am an armor that shineth even after taking the type of beating they say killeth,

I am a god, I am by God,

I am from God and I am Godly

All checked by his standards, so why'd I care if you judge me?!

4. THE PAIN OF LOSING FRIENDSHIP

It's 20:26 am on a Friday,

It's another weird one as per usual, but so are all my days,

I woke today to some memories I thought I was way past, but they suddenly feel so visceral, like from way back,

I remember having tons of brethens that used to "got my back" that so far still remains,

But the faces each year change and differ like the seasons, for complicated and inexplicable reasons,

It's been hard to make peace with, but I have found that my acquaintances are not just held back by my choice or my voice, every part and phase, every time and place has its unique aesthetics of humans,

I can only pick from the few, hold and reignite bonds when it is due, but I know still that everyone strays off at a point, they or I, it is inevitable, for alone I came, along I live and alone I will return.

5. A MILLION EYES

A million eyes, the same picture with a million sides,

A single spectrum with a million lines,

The same journey, but from a million miles,

The same blue sky seen by a million eyes, from a million different sides,

A single picture seen by a million eyes, interpreted differently by each person's mind,

Everybody is so wrong to each other, but to their selves they're all so right.

A million languages, a million truth,

A single story perceived by a million minds,

What is right or wrong are different in each of our eyes,

A million sources of joy and a million sources to pain,

A million reasons to love and a million reasons to hate,

A million reasons for war cause unity with diversity is uneasy to claim,

A million ideologies at war, believes and cultures too,

Everything is right and wrong, it's all dependent on what and to whom.

A million yesses and a million nos,

A million names for a single crow,

A million arrows for a single bow,

A million ways to perform the same task, we are all right and wrong we know,

There's so much hate, wars, feuds and misunderstandings cause most only see one of a million sides,

The world would be an awesome place if we could look in each other's eyes,

Live through each other's wars, understand each other's cries,

And walk a mile on each other's strides,

Look beyond our horizon cause at the end what we see is a single part of a story that has a million sides.

6. THE NIGERIAN PROBLEM

My domain is riddled with flames and all I can do is watch everywhere burn,

It is sickening and tiring, every single day I say yet another prayer filled with yearn,

To make it worse, I see no end to this horizon, cause more fire keeps being added to the inferno, oh when will we ever learn?

I am now in a toxic relationship with pessimism, and coming out is seemingly impossible even though I know I am worn.

Right about now you think you know what I vent about, but you don't!

You think you see the problem as clear as crystal, but you don't!

And I cry daily whilst being terrified by the fear that you won't,

The nakba is not that everybody is virtually turning to crime,

It is not youths choosing to do nothing else but cyber crime,

It is not young people deciding to take their lives through drugs one step at a time.

The problem is that nobody sees, the actual problem stares at you and you just treat it like a flea,

For every problem you think is the problem, is just a leech birthed and fueled by the problem you have no eyes to,

You see people living in the wrong, they take substances and you conclude, they don't want to live long,

While they are really just trying to survive with the only way they know how,

You judge them for sinning, but you know not the why, and you really have no intention to know why.

When you do not really see the problem and you go around marking everything as a problem, you then become the problem,

And nobody has any joy living in a land where nobody sees,

That's why the Nigerian dream is now to "japa" so now everybody flees,

And to some that is 'the problem'; that everybody runs,

While the perpetrators think they can handle hell, cause their whole life they've always been burnt.

Never get me wrong, I am not saying all these perps are in the right,

But wherever we are right now, and how we got there forcefully affects the way we live our lives,

We all took a journey here, yours might be from close up, while theirs was from a million miles,

And after that long a walk, it is impossible to not be defined a lot by that while,

To some happiness becomes a myth, chasing vanity is all they do in attempt to redeem that smile.

For life has more than one view, it is a spectrum with a million lines,

So when we learn to see not on the line, but in between,

And then we see these so called "vile humans" as victims,

And learn not just how to identify and exalt problems, but how to solve them,

That is the only way this inferno can ever dissolve,

For we need to learn to see and listen if anything at all should be resolved,

For the whole thing is like a mathematical problem, so easy to solve,

But we keep missing this single step and so our solution is no solution but further confusion,

Oh well, I know you will still tag me as wrong, brand me as a liar,

And probably kill us all by adding more fuel to the fire.

7. … BEST I EVER HAD.

I used to be your favorite guy,

I used to have a plastered smile and you were the reason why,

I'll die for you used to be our favorite lie,

We always talked about to the moon and back while lighting reefers and drinking rye.

I witnessed you being put to the ground,

But I can't help myself from searching for you up there in every night's sky,

These words wound my heart and sully with blinding tears my eyes,

They say time heals, but I have found that so far to be a lie.

I was your canvas and you were the artist, together we made magic,

But now you are just a memory, one I wish I never had cause it hurts hellishly that having you for a little longer is a wish I never had,

And the fantasy of our forever that'll never be makes me ever mad,

But without a doubt you are the…

8. … GROWN.

I used to be a kid, I used to be used to running to others with my woes,

I'm still that same me, not a kid anymore though, cause that kid was meant to grow and now is grown,

I'm old now, I act oblivious to this reality, but I know,

Cause I can't walk through women without being ogled at,

I can't walk through kids without being greeted at,

And I am now someone who has so many woes and still takes on so much more that I know not the Genesis of,

I hate the reality of having to be perfect,

Cause I have youngins who really want to be like me; "perfect",

If only they knew that even I hate to be like me,

I guess this is what it feels like to be…

9. PUEDES POR FAVOR MIRARME

Am I invisible or do they just choose not to see?

The dude I'm in love with won't even take a glance at me,

It's like nobody sees me but myself,

I wonder, am I not pretty enough?

Was I born to be alone in a world filled with love?

Or maybe they see these other girls because they expose themselves like sluts,

I don't know why I'm not seen, they say everybody has their someone, but is mine dead?

The person I'm in love with is in love with another person who's in love with another person, while I'm single and still lurking, is his mind dead?

I'm going round about the circle of depression,

I possess this wanton obsession of making an impression,

But nobody gives me the time or eyes to find expression,

I know about self love, but I know not how to love myself,

I can't just understand the spectrum, like where do I look from?

I've grown to hate almost everything about me,

All I am and all I ever can be.

I've tried putting hoodies on to see if my face would get any eyes,

A lot of times dudes don't ask my name, all they ask is my bra size,

I've picked up insecurities without knowing, like a gum under my shoe,

I don't know how it got there, but it stops me from doing a lot I want to do,

I take the judgments of people who don't think properly,

Currently in a toxic relationship with myself and I'm searching for a proper me,

Been in the search for a long time, am I not searching properly?

I'm stuck here wondering if there'll ever be a proper me.

I just want to be seen, I just want to be loved,

I want to be looked at with eyes filled with lust , a heart filled with love and not just disgust,

I want to be seen, I want to be treated somewhat special, by a someone special,

By a soul who finds me captivating, finds me special,

Will this ever happen?, I can only imagine and dream,

Cry myself a river, an ocean, a stream,

I possess a variety of nakbas, but this is the beam,

Just maybe one day, I will finally be seen, be someone to ogle at and not just the one left to glean.

10. HELLO STRANGER

Hello stranger you seem quite busy and all on the go,

Sorry for taking up your time I really just had to know,

You look so much like someone that I used to know,

Someone that I haven't seen since so very long ago,

I had this friend with whom I was really close,

The journey of life has so many paths and different paths we chose,

I'm almost certain she is you, but I might not be right,

Cause it's been a long way from the yellow slide, from running around in uniforms of blue and white.

Your face rings a bell, but I'm afraid your name's been lost in this mazy mind of mine,

Sometimes I even forget the day I left my mother's womb, the day I first whined,

But there's this nostalgic feeling I get from hearing you speak,

It's made me really ponder, made me really think,

I was still doubtful, but then I saw you slouch,

And I lost all doubt, because it's exactly the same from back when we shared a class,

It's been quite a while, do you still recall?

You slouched the same way, when you were called to wipe the board.

You left from the second to the last grade,

Took on an entirely different world, a different landscape,

Taking your prizes from that stage on the speech and prize day,

Was the last time and the last day that I saw that face,

That was in a time when after a school day we just went home,

And couldn't communicate till the next day cause we had no phones,

I heard you went off to a different country, a different time zone,

And I thought I'll never see you, I thought our chapter hath met a sad close.

Fast forward nine years, it feels like a trance like a dream,

It's as they always say, the world is smaller than it seems,

Now I have tears coming out of my eyes, I cannot stop the stream,

It was really hard for me back then when you left,

I thought I'll never get to see you again, but oh how wrong I was,

A minute ago you were a stranger I thought I knew,

I was just a little intrigued, but I'm glad I walked up to you,

Now I know you're not a stranger, you are not someone new,

You are my lost friend that I found anew.

11. NO ESTAS SOLO

Hello friend, hope I'm still granted to call you that,

It feels like a thousand years of no word and being all apart,

Life's a journey and it seems we took on different paths,

We used to be really close, but oh how time has severed that,

We live in different worlds, but still are in the same infact,

Both in your world and mine everything been really hard,

We are both clinging and trying to survive, we are preoccupied,

Lacking the luxury of time to think of someone in another life.

It's a mutual condition, we are both not at fault,

Getting through this hell of a life some things are bound to flip by default,

You are so very far away , I wish you never left,

The happiest memories of my life were molded in the little time we used to get,

Now I don't even know who you are nor you know me,

We are like strangers meeting each other with no known sin,

I asked how you were doing, you said "I am all fine",

But from the last selfie you posted you had really teary eyes and a look saying please let me die.

You've always been great at hiding , but I've been way better at deciphering,

But how can I decipher when you won't let me in on the cypher?

The time difference is a rift and sure we barely speak,

I may be intruding, cause I don't know where we are at after our lengthy drift,

I know I don't even know you the way I used to know you,

Heard things that made me question if I ever did know you,

But I know the old you and from the way I used to know you, I know something is wrong.

I won't push, but I will be here if you need to spill,

Our paths might be different but the destination is same, it's okay if you need a little lift,

I'm not so good myself but you know what they say; "life's a gift" and like roses though there's beauty it still has thorns,

We are racing on a slippery floor it is hard not to fall,

I know you're strong, but strength is not the only option there is to mull,

I understand that I probably wouldn't understand, but you just let me see the picture from the point you stand,

If only you would let me in, on what life's taking you through, what you are getting in,

Then just maybe if we try together we could get a win.

12. PARLOUS DESIRES

I hate you, as much as you do me, but that's a feeling that lasts only the night,

We always plan and scheme ways to call it quits, but we never seem to get it right,

Since I got my head over heels, I haven't known love without pain, and you're always mad cause there's always something I do that breaks your heart again,

But there's this sparkle that lingers, immediately one sets eyes on the other there's this trigger

The bliss outwits the pain, and it's painless when we hammer away,

It starts from a kiss, then we're naked bare on each other for hours,

It's become an entire routine, on and on, it's been impossible to scour,

We front and front like rangers, but are helpless against each other and these desires, it's as if it takes away all our reasoning and power,

We keep tearing each other bit by bit, we are fully conscious of this, but we're slaved to these desires, it has made us cowards.

13. THE BLUE DEVIL

The blue devil is not a person, but a state of supreme femininity,

Attributed to the most preponderant women on earth,

Women who are preponderant not merely by status, but by self exaltation, and self grit,

The blue devil is a different breed of womankind,

Fierce, limitless, unpredictable and indescribable by mere words,

She is a regularly born woman who has broaden her scope and has refused to be reduced by norms set to stop her kind,

She refuses to conform to the laws and societal standards set in place to stop her kind.

The blue devil is a woman who all men want and all men fear,

She's seen so many nakbas and through all she tears,

She inspires as much as she scares,

She is strong and unmoved by fears,

She is beautiful in every single way,

She is so heavenly endowed a glance at her can turn gay men straight and straight women gay,

She builds herself to levels said to be unattainable every single day,

Fearless and endlessly domineering she is, even though she faces the most unimaginable challenges every day.

The blue devil is a woman of immense wealth,

Her wealth is not necessarily akin to mere sliver nor gold made from geat,

Her wealth comes from her greatest treasures; her mind, determination and resolve,

With which there isn't any nakba she cannot dissolve,

The blue devil is not a woman without a man,

She is a woman who is not defined by the presence or absence of a man,

She is not a super human, but she is a super-woman,

She cries and falls and does wrong like all others, but does not let them define her run,

She uses them as fuel to propel herself to the finish mark.

The blue devil is a woman who has refused to be limited,

She is woman who has refused to be predictable,

She is a woman who refuses to be tamed nor stopped by whatsoever,

She is an unsuppressible entity,

Her self-esteem is second to none,

She does not worship humans just because they possess a member,

She is not stopped by conditions attributed to her gender,

She rules with them and through them while she shows off the true power of femininity,

The blue devil is an inspiration to women, aspiration of men and the worst nightmare to dross-like men.

14. THE SMILE OF THE DARK ROSE

Here I sit in the garden said to behold love,

The scenery is still the same, scattered with pairs of lost flock,

Where there is no feeling, it is all made up, just all talk,

Preys being preyed on, giving up their hearts to vultures.

Here sits I with a group of three,

Seated by the sitting right beside the trees,

I turn around in sporadic motion then I see,

The beautiful black rose seated away from me

Looking familiar, but I know I would never have forgotten a face with so much glee.

Then there is a smile, I know is for the wind and not for me,

But the urge not to ogle was beaten to the strain, till the beauty of the rose is all my eyes could see,

I staggered, but curiosity was all my mind could see,

The black rose is adorned and full of life,

Withers not and stands through the storms of time.

15. BEAUTY THE STONED

They named her rigid, they say her outside is incarnated with Medusa's curse,

They call her beauty the stoned, their eyes only deem her beauty and cold,

They coined a tale and they told, about the doubts of there being a heart in her folds,

They never worried to know,

The things she may have harbored below,

Or why someone as hot as she, could have emittance of snow,

Until she ripped herself open and showed,

All the seedlings of strive that sprout in her soul,

Seedlings turned scrubs, all praise to the rain from the road,

She had the nakbas of shiver and stress, but kept mute and never told,

She was dying on the inside while everyone else saw her as cold.

16. THINKING OUT LOUD

I think about you, your orchestrations and synchronicities and I am never not amazed,

I wake up everyday with a huger smile on my face than the day before,

Crazy complexes spring up daily, but I'm never flinched cause I know you made a way before,

And you will more than do so now,

You have never failed at never failing me! And I'm sure as hell that you won't start now,

As I stride into this new season, I go with you, by you, for you, through you and alongside you,

Your flow is all I know, your will, your purpose, your orchestrations,

Let every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of my entire existence take me into the depths of this journey,

I'm desperate about you, I can't do nothing without you, I am nothing without you, I have everything with you, I lack nothing with you,

I need you more than breathing, I need your more than oxygen, I need you more than food, I need you more than reefer,

I crave the continuity of this relationship daily more and more,

The more I know is just but an insight to the more I could know,

The more I am is just an insight to the more I could become,

The more I see tells more tales about the more I could see,

I want you and nothing else, no one else,

And I know that anything I could ever need for my journey you have fore provided,

I lack nothing, I have everything and more!

17. THE BLISS OF SPIRITUAL INDULGENCE

Scary it is to yield, even though it is to a supposed higher power,

To believe you can actually bloom, with disregard to the natural process like every other flower,

There's been so much implicit proclamations, prayers and reports,

But it all just sounds like far-fetched tales,

Especially when you were born into a family already in the faith,

You believe, mostly because since you were born that is all you have been indoctrinated to believe,

Until you get to a certain point where you get a persona "tale" that inspires a genuine and radical believe.

At this point the myth of always having to be in control becomes foolishness,

And the foolishness of leaving the core aspects, decisions and nakbas of your life to an unknown force becomes reasonable,

Things that caused confusion and made no sense now make perfect sense,

Or maybe not perfect yet, but there's this blind trust and bond beyond covalent,

That enables the faith to be able to walk on scorching coal and not being scared of the burn,

Being fearless to walk on lonely roads cause you know you are really never alone,

You never were, but was only ignorant to the fact that to you is now known.

18. THE TERROR OF THE NOIRS

They say the color black belongs to terror, but for me it is my identity,

The world has therefore always been scared of us, so the bad hand we have always been dealt with fatal intensity,

All but nothing has been set to stop us, it is in all their policies which are like crystals riddled with clarity,

They have always feared the power of the ebony mind so for long they gave us no voice and treated us like nonentities,

But no matter how bright the sun shines the day, darkness still finds its way to the night, my color is all but a suppressible entity.

Having to work twice as hard as persons you know you are better than is what happens when you have a skin like mine,

We are always being suppressed, they brought slavery; forced us to work while being whipped on their plantations and mines,

All that to put out the light that still effortlessly shines,

They brought racism and tried so hard to make us hate how we look,

They tagged our young ones as violent and our mothers their cooks,

All in trying to break our spirits, but we continued to brook,

Took the pain we never deserved, but inherited by the way we look.

Like the way water flows, we continued to sprout, continued to grow,

We pushed until we made a way, and yes many lives were lost to the process I know,

But we outed ourselves and now we are everywhere we were told not to go,

Fast forward to the present, the world is now at year two thousand and twenty three,

And in every sector of the world, you can't list any achievements done by ten without having six of them who look like me,

They indeed held us by the reins, but now we are free,

Free and better than everything they could ever be,

Take black people from every sector of the world and everywhere but Africa would crumble to nothingness,

This is just the beginning, we are taking over the world and it is evident, it is clear,

We the noirs are indeed a terror, I would say they had every reason to be scared.

19. BURDENED

Firstly today I would start by giving you some context on the word; burdened,

To be burdened means to carry, to bear, it simply is being ladened,

As humans we carry on a shit ton of baggage, a lot of unnecessary luggages if you ask me, that's why our Lord said; Come to me all thou who are heavily burdened and I will give you rest,

But after already gained that rest, why do we still talk today about being burdened?

In Acts 1v8 it says; You will receive power and ability when the Holy Spirit comes upon you; and you will be My witnesses to tell people about Me both in Jerusalem and in all Judea, and Samaria, and even to the ends of the earth, and we all know about the marvelous deeds of Yeshua, he in his little lifetime did wondrous things; so much that the Bible itself could not hold them all, but he told us that we are slated to do even greater deeds than he.

Our salvation has taken away our strains and our burdens, but it has in turn rested on us a burden, but one that doesn't burden,

It is more of a focus, a purpose, an access to one's worth, a mandate, an elevation, a consciousness,

To ensure the betterment of humanity, of existence,

In this world, we were made for living and not surviving, not suffering,

Being in Christ is finding and comprehending this and everything else,

It is understanding, learning unlearning; for not just ourselves, but for every being in existence,

We are on a quest to guide as we have been guided, to forgive as we have been forgiven, to love as we have been loved,

For that is what sums to being a Christian.

20. THE BLISS OF SPIRITUAL REALISATION

Having God is a find that beyonds beautiful,

Stating it in details mirages exaggeration,

The loving yearn breathed on you,

A perfect affection you know is true,

If you perceive beauty as colourful, this is beyond hue,

Beyond great, beyond cool, beyond me, beyond you,

There is no oblivion or talk of not feeling it, it is not true!

Understanding that he is everything and everything happens due the cue of his existence

He is the source, the origin, the beginning,

Through his orchestrations, all happens, the bad, good or ugly,

This plane is a playground, we are meant to merely live and just 'play'

We all know we die, some before others,

But to all of us, we know there is a game over,

So the course of our living record is best when we connect to source,

Cause the source is us and by us the source,

So the best outcomes possible is a reality cause come on you connected with the source,

Most times we mirage a beautiful sync when we think about spiritual orchestrations, not saying that is not fact,

I'm saying it's not factual always, sometimes the symmetry is the completion of the chaos and events so asymmetrical happening symmetrical that usher teachings and lessons to be learnt and understood,

But fret not, as long as you tarry at connection with the source,

Your symmetry is by force, it is existent and documented,

Just calm up and watch it unravel,

You know what is to happen, surely I told you,

But how it does will never not be to you a marvel.

21. … JUST A HUMAN.

My life is a book and I keep trying to write a new chapter on an old page,

There are a lot of ways a person could die, but I pray I get off through old age,

I keep trying to keep my sinning to the minimum, but somehow Lucifer got me paying this wage,

I have road rage, and anger as cold as the ice age,

And I know whenever I do this, it seems magical, but I really am no mage,

I am …

22. THE GOD FEEL

On the instrumental I have absolute control,

From the tempo to the rhythm to every single instrument cued,

I need not even think, it just happens, it's god-like, I can't paint the picture,

If only anyone could know Poseidon feels when he strides on the waves or how Thor feels when he moves through and roars the thunder or how Ares feels moving through all the spears and swords of the ballroom of massacre then and just then will you find understanding to what I tell.

23. LIES AND LOVE

Everywhere I turn, there are gestures of you are mine, I am yours,

And a scant few reminiscings on something that was,

It is supposedly an up sun set aside for love,

But some still encounter happenings that are far aside from love,

It is a beautiful day to some, a loathe to another and there are the ones who practically give no fucks,

It's a marvelous debacle headlined by lies and love,

So whether you are as fascinated or as not, it is still valentine, the air is filled with love.

24. GOODBYE

If you're reading this I might actually be dead,

If you won't remember me, then at least remember the words I said,

The songs I sang and the tears I shed,

When I had to hustle for every drop of tea and every piece of bread,

When living was hard with no peace up in my head,

When no one cared if I was alive or dead.

I really wish I could express myself with the words that we speak,

I built a shield to hide my mind, but its getting really weak,

This pain is eating me up reaching to the peak,

Choking on my neck closing on me deep,

All I can do is hide myself and secretly weep,

I thought they'll be gone, but all they do is stick,

I can't hide my red eyes anytime I cry,

All I can do is bury my pains with the soils of smiles,

I say I'm okay, but you'll see the truth if you look me in the eyes,

I cover the truth, blindfold myself with lies.

Forgive me I had to take my own life,

I already felt dead even when I was alive,

I tried to find my worth, but there really was no purpose to my life,

Every well that sourced my joy suddenly began to run dry,

With so much sorrow it's hard not to cry,

The pain had gotten to me I can't even lie,

So much trauma and I don't just know why,

Instead of taking pills and just getting high,

Its best to overdose and just even die,

There are so many reasons but I can't tell you why,

I know there's not so much to remember me by,

It breaks my heart more than it does to yours, but I'm sorry I just have to die,

I'm sorry but I guess this is goodbye.

25. MOOD SWINGS

One minute I'm happy another minute I'm not,

It really feels like I'm soon going to go nuts,

I can't control how I feel, I can't control how I act,

I used to be a happy kid with no worries,

Always thought my life was going to be like all of these love stories,

But my life is nothing other than a pathetic sad story.

It comes with random thoughts I can't control,

Maybe someone is in my head, just maybe I don't know,

There's so much pain beneath my smile, I just don't show,

There's just so much things you just don't know,

Sometimes I just feel to let go.

I really wish I could express myself with the words that we speak,

I built a shield to hide my mind, but its getting really weak,

This pain is eating me up reaching to the peak,

Choking on my neck closing on me deep,

All I can do is hide myself and secretly weep,

I thought they'll be gone, but all they do is stick.,

26. THE NIGHT OF THE CROSSING

It has been 13 days in, but I still possess a visceral memory of the night of the crossing,

It is was sparkles all around, whether in the sky above or in our hearts below,

Roars, cheers and screeches which would have on any other day attributed to madness,

But at that point, it was all about the madness,

Roars hitting the sky in sporadic files, feet stumping in excitement on the grumpy earth,

Fireworks aiding the stars to brighten the timid sky,

Screams at climax as the clock nears it's mark,

There's a symmetric yell of 5,4,3,2,1 and victorious cheer celebrating the earth's yet another touchdown,

It was a day where reason was to choice,

And the earth blatantly to noise.

27. FALLING ANGEL

Your deceptive curves have arced my straight ways, your inciting mirage has swayed my straight gaze,

I am but a silent dove, not so silent anymore you got me on a straight blaze,

I whom has long abandoned the chase of infatuation and the sorts, I'm back on a straight hail,

The way that gloss brings out your lips,

The way I urge to path your cliffs,

The way my morals and emotions mix, I'm caught up in a jinx.

But I will never say a not truth, I will never lie;

Saying lewd thoughts haven't had my mind,

An imagined occurrence you birthed with that skin tone,

Listening to your recited pieces like my ringtone,

I'm falling as an angel to an angel whom I would, no! Scratch that; whom I desire to do upon some theatrics, non angelic.

This is a vain attempt at being visibly obvious and in the same breath scarcely explicit,

You have tickled my mating instincts, oh sheesh! That's purely explicit,

My allure has matured lust, it craves contact as much as feelings,

From a look, piece by piece I strip you naked to visions of vicious dealings in the between of your thighs.

If only words could sail me through this route that actions should,

If only mutuality is the case how much actions due,

I'm not flimsily searching for hole, behest your aura is a feel that has me whole,

I am merely telling you that my thoughts of you spin me out of control,

I know I indeed might cause a stir if I share this,

But I need you to know an Angel is falling all the way down for you.

28. STOIC

As a kid I used to jitter at the sound of the thunder,

Smiled and was happy in a life filled with wonder,

It's so funny there was a time without all these sittings and ponders,

Good times those were before all these asunders,

When joy was not a myth, but a bridge I lived under.

Now I'm walking in the rain not bothered if it wets me,

Living a life where nobody just gets me,

Not yet in shroud, but everybody tends to forget me,

Doctor said I got insomnia, so I can't even get sleep,

It used to be a paper cut, little pain to torment me,

But now I can't fall asleep without me and my demons wrestling.

Now there's just a pain cycle from this, to another one,

These days I am not even phased by the thunderclap,

There's nothing to me, my life's like a tundra now,

Fire to my skin, but I watch it burn and burn, till I hurt and I smile,

Not out of joy, I smile with tears in my eyes.

29. THE PAIN CHAIN

It begins from a single person to another and then the next,

It is a line so long it'll be impossible to uncover its place of birth,

Hurt keeps being passed down in more folds than received,

After feeling that much agony, it's only natural to pass it on till a sense of justice is perceived.

Some tag practitioners of this as evil and vile,

But are unaware of the source of the problem, the rile,

If they were to walk the same shoes of pain, they likely would be twice as vile,

For a broken heart is not a heart that sees,

When pain is all you've known, pain is all you'll have to give,

For it is an impossibility to source an ocean when you're nothing but just a stream.

The pain chain is impossible to understand from the outside, except you've been within,

It's perpetrators may be guilty of evil, but not wanting to sin,

It's just too hard to create a scene, without adding the knowledge of what you've seen,

Instead of throwing more fuel to their lives already on fire and damaged in flames,

Show them a little love, a little kindness to arouse the conscience and discernment fast asleep.

30. IS IT ALL WORTH IT?!

It's said that the strength of a man is how long he can endure the ridiculous processing and phases of life with his sanity intact,

It's really amusing how muscles don't count to real strength,

How people strong enough to snap the knotted rope at ease are killed by it,

But most times I sit and wonder if all this is worth it,

We visit hospitals when sick, eat healthy to avoid sickness, and tread cautious to avoid calamities, even turn to higher forces we serve to seek a long life,

We go through so much to court the inevitable, to avoid the unavoidable

We can't escape death, we go through so much turmoil to earn money to buy food to feed a body that'll one day perish,

Why not just end it all now ?

We're all trying to create memories and legacies that'll will one day be forgotten, even though it last through centuries one day it'll die and so will those who've heard about it,

Why trying so hard to achieve things we can't carry to the ground?

It's a question even I can't answer myself, why do we do all what we do?

Why do people get in messed up situations and cry out loud "I don't want to die!"

I look around me all I see are endless problems and endless problems possibilities,

So much evil, so much hurt, yet so much love and so much affection,

It's purely clear that our affection to certain things in this world, be it topics, people, materials and possessions are the reasons why we cling on this world so badly,

Why each day we pray so hard for more time to court death, for more time to live and act like it'll exist forever,

More time to build steadily a house that'll one day be washed away,

We advance technology, medicine, science just to court death,

It's a really funny, stupid and beautiful thing at the same time,

It feels stupid to fall in love and act like it'll last forever when we do know that one day one of us will forcefully have to leave another, but also why bug about what you can't evade?

It's way better to live In the moment and face whatever happens later, it's way better to laugh at every funny moment like it'll last forever, love whom your heart yearns like you'll last forever, cause nothing last forever, not hurt nor love, but we might as well drown in the waters of negligence and wake up wherever it washes us off to.

31. FOUND ANCHOR

I have transversed through these waters that mirror skies so dark they shame any raven,

I am used to an open path, I stay then I run, I have never been save enough to call nowhere a haven,

My vessel has been riddled with downpours upon downpours,

I have had encounters, but none inspired no pause,

I've had no cause except mine,

I've had no road except that ahead, been moving in a straight line.

Up until I gazed this human that intrigued me till I suddenly found halt,

Riddled me she did with a cause with which I absolutely found no fault,

And she gets me riled in ways my mind would never have wandered to,

It is a serene feel from a human unlike most,

I am a nomad, but safe I say I've found my goldilocks coast,

This is for the anchor and the bearer,

I was mused by the anchor, but my anchor is the bearer.

32. THE TALE OF A FOOL

They say love is a thing for fools and I am not ashamed to say I am one,

When I say I can do anything for you, to everyone else it sounds like foolishness but to me; I know you are the one,

You craft smiles out of my woes and inspire peace to my storms,

You pick the symphony in my vague caw, you stick around from the draught till it starts to pour,

You decipher the slightest mishap in my mood no matter how quickly it is clawed,

You are present for the highest of the highs and when my ass besits the floor.

You are the other side of the coin that consist of I, you are the wings I possess and why I say I am fly, the apple pie piece after a long day chaotic,

You are the lace that binds my shoes and mind,

You collect the fountain waters of my tears,

And to every yammer you yield your ears,

I fore was used to barricading, but you have showed me the bliss of its tear,

It is known that this much yield is frown upon in this age, in this year,

A fool's title I surely will receive, but for thou, that and more I will more than candidly bear.

33. ...I AM BLESSED.

They say the best days are ahead, so hopefully I pray for less reasons to pray,

For less reasons to wail,

To days where life is a ship and I enjoy the sail,

Where I'm married to peace, when I have undone the veil,

When I'm treated royally by perpetual royalties,

I'm tired acting my role in my life's movie with my hands on my head,

I'm tired of flimsies I pray for you to butter my bread,

To incite my stead, and where I fall short; please long my legs,

I'm wary enough from my enemies, protect me from my friends,

And like the Bible days, I seek you oil my head

Amen, Amen, to every word I've said,

Even when the feels is cursed I know...

34. SURVIVOR'S GUILT

Survivor's guilt, I guess it's just the way we survivors are built,

We like showmen who can take the blade of a sword stress free down their throats, but still fail to take in the hilt,

We made it to the top, but still feel like we are walking just on stilts,

Scared of any tremor down below cause there's always the feeling a little seism would destroy all we've built.

Happy with the success and all that it has availed,

But the smile on the face is always covered by a veil,

Memories of all those who drowned off the same ship we sailed,

Of all those on the vessel with huge dreams, but couldn't stand the waves,

All the crewmen braver than even we, that the sea put away.

It is what it is, life is a ballroom so we still dance continua,

Happy for the life we have, but still wish others has a chance,

There's too much drinks and merry for only we few to jaunce,

It is hard not to have these tears in my eyes as I keep up with the dance,

How I got up here, the whole journey till now all feels like a whole damn trance.

35. LOS CAMINOS DEL DESTINO

I want to go across the waters of expression, I hope the boat of poetry sails me,

I hope my heart and head sync up, I hope that words don't fail me,

For what began as a feud now has my senses failing,

My heart palpitating and my soul outright wailing,

Even though the gate was locked, you somehow made it past my heart's railing,

You have to had cast a spell on me, cause you got a good girl lewdly craving,

Love is beautiful and outright crazy, but being in love with you is beautifully crazy.

What is meant to be is really always going to be,

The hands of fate set the path for you and for me,

It couldn't be stopped even when the nakba was infact me,

It really is funny that what got me enamored was the same thing that put on my heart's armor,

That's smile, that charm and that candor,

That flies me away and drowns me down like Namor.

If only I knew then like I know now, I wouldn't have said no,

But it was so meant to be that my nos did nothing to make you go,

After spending that much time with you, it all connects it all meets,

Our meeting wasn't a happening of chance, it was fate by all means,

When I walked through that door and of all humans, you were just the one I had to see,

It was all clear that you were the one I was meant to see, the one that was meant for me.

36. ENAMORED

For a long while I had a lot to say, but my feelings turned fears and have done nothing but held me,

It is funny how one of the only things that gives me bliss also really scares me,

I am a born timid, not cut out for confrontations or approaches, but this silence has gotten my lone heart weary,

I tried organizing my feelings in writing, but even words yet again have failed me,

So I once again set my eyes on Apollo and hope the boat of poetry sails me.

My heart has made you part of me, I don't know why it has so much trust,

It has become an impossibility not to look at you with eyes filled with lust,

I have been shutting out this feeling for too long,

I have been scared my heart's getting everything all wrong,

I have been scared you might not return my heart's long song.

This is me putting myself out there and letting you know,

That these days all I do is think of you, it feels like you're the only thing my brain has ever really known,

All I want to do is to give my heart peace and make it's cry known,

I just wish that words won't stand so still,

I'm going to speak directly incase my words have not been out bold,

There is not a day since the first day where I don't spend every second of an entire day thinking of you.

I am not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together, forever,

I just hope it doesn't take forever, or never,

My anxiety is through the roof thinking you may not feel the same,

But my dopamine's feed these days is you, yes your name,

Please tell me if by any chance you feel same,

Cause If you don't then it means my heart's been beating in vain.

37. DECEIVER

I tried your number, but no avail,

I climbed on your ship, but you refused to sail,

I tried my best, but you said I failed,

I saw a future in you and I,

I had a dream, I saw us walk down the aisle,

I saw myself taking up your veil,

Gulping in satisfaction at the girl I waled,

I saw us kiss in front of your sisters,

Kissing so wild our lips got blisters,

Why spoil that dream with what you were unsure,

The love I had for you truly was pure.

You decided to break me and I know not why,

Thinking about it draws tears from my eyes,

At least I know I tried,

I was true to you, but all you did was lie,

You're the best thing that has happened to me and at the same time you're the worst,

I gave you my love, soul, body and trust,

But all u ever left me with was a curse,

You robbed me of all the happiness that I ever had,

Smiles and joy are absent in me, I'm endlessly sad,

My heart's in pain, it hurts really bad.

Indeed the best and worst things in life come free,

I thought you'll source my happiness, saw you as my best guarantee,

But now I doubt if you ever were in love with me,

I'm wallowing in pain, thinking if you cared,

Or if you just faked it through all the moments we shared,

I'm on an endless rollercoaster of emotions,

Realizing that your love for me was only a delusion,

Realizing that you're really awesome at illuding emotions,

You've left me in an ocean of pain,

Making me wish you'll come back while at the same time regretting you came.

My soul is aggrieved, my heart shattered to bits,

My mind is traumatized, I'm getting out of my wits,

Your face and memories of you keep stalking my mind,

Feasting on my shattered heart and running me wild,

To think you're the one I so desired to get,

But you now are the one I'm dying to forget,

You're the devil in his feminine form,

You're a wolf disguised as a sheep,

I carelessly fell in love with a monster, she bailed on me when I was in too deep,

My eyes can no longer bore enough tears,

My mind can't get over all these fears,

The thought of love is now followed with an ocean of tears.

38. THE DEVIL'S PAWNS

Born to a generation in bondage, yet we dared to be free,

We opposed the upper echelons, yes the rebels are we,

We refused to change who we are, we dared to be we,

I know life is like is a movie, but that doesn't mean you are scriptwriting my scenes,

It's too bad I will never be who you want me to be.

We made our own path, declined the one that was laid,

Refused normality, chose to be aberrant, the devil's pawns is what they gave us as names,

The world's eyes are blind to the line separating self worth and narcissism,

When you show you know your worth, you get labeled as a narcissist.

It is insanely quick how humans take a stand,

Going against things they do not see clearly, things they do not understand,

Those who have chosen unapologetically to be their selves even though they are different are said to be pawns in Lucifer's hands,

If only humans are willing to see the picture not only from the point that they stand.

39. A STOP TO PROBING?!

I met this girl that I really really like,

I mean I like a lot of girls, but really really like?

I know that don't happen as much as I would like,

I didn't want the convo to stop, I wanted more and more, it was impossible not to like,

She was everything, brains! Smiles! About God! About life! Real!

I had desires, not lust! They were right,

I wrote this more like talking than poetry cause I need you to really know what it was like,

It was a bliss filled ride I didn't ever want to stop paddling the bike,

Is this love again? Cause this really feels more than a like.

40. A STOP TO WALKING

Pick a side, you cannot dangle the middle,

Each faction has their solves to these riddles,

But when you can be a storm why settle for a drizzle?

When you can have all why settle for little?

Why be a chicken when you can be an eagle?

41. …BY I AND FOR I.

These are my penned and papered thoughts,

My curious mind has always sought,

Seeked, dabbled about and always got,

Even though I sit still to the ground, I am always nuts,

I have always thought about thoughts I was never taught,

I have always got about plots; like an open loft.

It is 11:48 on a Friday, the sun is on a mission to fry ye,

Amidst the cold breezes that blows our mind ways,

Amidst the clear path and the haze days,

Through the settled in and the troubled days,

I will always be I,…

42. …FALL OR RUN OR ACT STOIC TILL IT BLEEDS MY SOUL.

My soul craves a taste of that which wearies my heart and burdens my mind,

I am conflicted cause different parts of me war over their priorities, compromise is seemingly impossible to find,

My eyes sees and wants, but heart gets triggered and binds,

Memories of past disasters plague through my mind,

It's not worth it! It might be…, If you don't try you'll never know,

Three different voices sing to me from 3 pathways and I am perplexed at which is the one for me to heed,

Should I…

43. CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

It is love, it is lust, it is something in between,

It is absurd, it is thrilling, it got me feeling like a teen

It is annoying, it is pleasant, it inspires my smiles, as much as it takes away my sleep,

I love you, but you act up again and I feel like I hate you, different emotions coming out the stream.

I need you, I crave some closure, I abstain because you make me lose composure,

You are the reason I am going at it and feeling like I am running out of time, until you do you and make me cast a wish, wishing it is the last tick of my time,

You are the glitter that resonate to my shine, you are the source of my gloom all the time,

I am caught between the fence unable to pick a side.

44. WORK OF ART

I've been having sleepless nights,

Even when I sleep, I sleep less right,

These days everything been crazy bumpy, but graciously I got God held tight,

So even in all the commotions;

Stage to stage been bursting bars open,

Gradual steps talking linear motion,

Got steady flows man

I'm talking the ocean,

Yeah in the world of art;

I'll probably be pinned up on the wall cause I am definitely a work of art,

Man even the way that I walk is art,

I'm in the likeness of my pops upstairs,

They locked elevator but he helped me up the whole damn stairs,

The journey here man e choke with mockery and stares.

All the pressure shaped me diamond so man they can't compare,

They think this my prime but I'm far from there

They can't compare; I never slack on a session,

I ain't got love for this shit, it's an obsession,

Looking for greatness, but all I see is my reflection,

If my life was a book, it'll be in the 'miracle section',

Damn! Yes! I'm a lyrical menace, don't say I didn't tell ya,

Brown skin tasty looking like Nutella,

My mum named a saint on me;

I was born to give the bars on the spree,

Hope to build a legacy like Saint Obi,

If you perceive the glory of God; that's the scent on me

Big shout out to those who have believe that they spend on me,

All the love and hate that went on me.

45. LONGING FOR LONGER

Lately man my life has been a mess,

I've been dealing with anxiety and stress,

I really got a lot going on right now, but somehow you're still stuck up in my head,

Even though we barely talk, we barely fucking text,

Whether I'm sober or my eyes are fucking red,

You know I always hit you up with a "Heyyy" right now,

Even though I got paragraphs of things I want to say right now,

I'm not good with emotions;

I get lost in the motions,

But I'm striking a notion;

I can't use spells, wordings are my potion,

It's like I'm stuck in an ocean of this fucking delusion,

I get lost in the motions,

And you having fun playing with my emotions.

You keep playing games with the organ that beats in the left side of my chest,

I'm used to checkers, but you're playing chess,

I'm losing sleep and I'm gaining stress,

Tired from school, trying to ace this tests!

Fired for you, trying to get abreast,

Figure out, what move you playing next,

These days you do most the talking with your eyes,

And most the touching from a mile,

I see you walking having fun all the while,

You got me so tensed whilst wearing that smug ass smile.

46. SAD BOY

The education system failed me so I had to self educate,

Born where nobody believes in antidepressants, yeah so I had to self medicate,

Was working along the line of good and bad till life blurred the line a way,

Told my problems to Mary the mother of God,

But now I tell them all to Mary Jane,

Yeah just trying to find a way, like Juice and X, hop up and away,

Used to be that nigga with great manners, but pain took it all away,

After breaking all these hearts I know I don't deserve love,

And all they saints at church make me feel like I don't deserve God.

So I've been straying off, straying off from the herd,

A lot of SOSs but I'm always never heard,

I'm just trying to find peace and it's still in hiding,

So just hit me up if you happen to find it,

I am a sad boy, but they twist it really; saying I'm a bad boy,

I really am just that boy, a good kid trying to make it in a bad world.

It's hard not to break nothing when you live in a glass house,

Trying to find peace, I don't know why she stays away from me like a mad spouse,

Still searching and downing bottles on replay

They say life's a movie, and I'm like; okay!

So I just sit back and press play,

It's like the transition from after your ex to your next bae,

If I don't find peace today, I'm probably going to find it by the next day.

47. THAT STREET BOY

I was born in the ghetto,

I was born in the streets,

Like a lot of these bitches; I belong to the street,

It's been a very long walk here, man I can't feel my feet,

A lot of nights slept with a growl, I had no food to eat,

You see me with the shines, but there's a story to it.

Life fucked a nigga up like a cray bitch in heat,

So much pain, my therapy was hoping on beats,

I poured myself up on tracks and it happened to be hits,

Started putting them out, praying that someday it'll hit.

A lot of times I rose and fell, but I'm still here at it,

I'mma do it till it works, cause I don't know how to quit,

Manic depression stepped in; that's why blunts getting lit,

I'm not trying to be cool, I'm just dealing with my shit,

I can't let it lose so I got to keep taming my beast,

Everybody trying piss me off, but all I'm really after is just a little bit of that peace.

48. WHY I WRITE

A lot of people have asked me the question;

"Why do you write?"

"You're not an art major, why is writing so important to you? You're always writing something! Poetry, songs, articles

Why do you do it?"

I have always been writing since from primary school that I forgot you need a reason to,

To me it's just like breathing,

It's essential for my living,

I write because it's an extension of my being,

I write because it's my therapy,

It's my escape, I have a lot I want to say but who will listen?

If you knew half of what I think you'll say I'm insane.

I write because the paper is not repulsive,

It doesn't judge no matter what I say,

It takes it in, it listens to me without calling madness on my ideals,

I write because I have to keep my emotions in check, because bottling them up is not so easy anymore,

Most times I feel like the bottle will pop any second,

So I have to take out the eruptive emotions,

And put them to good use before I erupt like a volcano and get my lava all over the place,

I write because I look like I'm calm, but deep down my thoughts are violent,

I write to keep myself from doing and saying all the hurtful things I'm thinking.

I write because my mind is a maze,

And every idea can set me or someone else ablaze,

I write because my anger is filled with craze,

That's why I don't want nobody but the paper around me when I'm filled with rage,

I don't write just because my pieces are great,

And every single one will get you amazed,

I write because it's the air I need to chill,

If I don't write a lot people will be killed,

You might think I'm overstretching it,

But trust me this is not an issue of over zeal,

Every single word and expressions of this piece is as real,

As my rage, my pain, my shame, my insecurities,

I write because I have to keep myself sane,

I write because I have to keep my beast tamed.

49. CONSEQUENCE OF SIN

Iniquities upon iniquities we indulge in, and we think ourselves clever,

To every action we make consequences await, but we jape and say nothing is happening, not never,

After all to we, we pulled them all with stealth,

These days we do anything for the root of all evil, it is mortifying the lengths and breadths we venture for this wealth,

Souls get let go, damnable acts are followed with; 'let's go'

Sinning is the variable we elect, Walking down this path doom is the only thing to expect,

For what you sow shall be your reap is what the scripture said,

So as you sin, bear in mind; the wages of sin is none than death.

But this is a variable that doesn't have to be met,

For there is a he that gives life, the kind that strays away from destruction,

He knocks at the door, in he will be if only we let,

Even when everything fails his words has always been kept,

Sin tried to claim my soul and to save me he bleed and wept,

Lucifer had my heart, but he reversed the theft,

He said he came for us sinners, so don't run off cause of the picture these "saints" paint to taint,

I know it sounds too good I know!

But I care not how scarlet red your sins may make you be, for he will make them white as snow!

50. SWORN ENEMY

I've been at war with an entity unknown to me,

It has been causing me a lot of harm, it has taken a lot from me,

It has made happiness an oddity in my life, it constantly reminds me of my hurt,

Both those I've brought on myself, alongside those forced on me,

It has taken me to the lowest point of my existence,

And for a while I have been struggling to find out who this devil is,

I've come up with so many failed theories and it has misled me in my search,

It has blinded me for a long time now, but I see the light of the story now,

I know what mean personality I'm up against,

It's no demons, not a devil, not God, not anyone around me,

But it is I, I am my own sworn enemy.

I cherish so much in seeing me hurt that every single day I come up with unique ways to cause harm to my body and soul,

I've gotten in a number of bike accidents in the last months but I don't have PTSD from them it makes me want to use bikes more,

To possible inflict more pain and suffering on myself,

Hell I don't fancy working out, but I do it a lot, not to get fit but to feel pain, to feel out of breath,

To put my body is so much pain that it restrains my movement,

I smoke a lot also not just to get numb and forget my worries, but also to hurt myself from the inside.

Hell! I've even set myself on fire while on my thickest jacket,

Not to burn to death, but just to inflict pain on myself,

And now I got in the accident that dislocated my hip, my entire body burns,

But I don't cry out of pain, hell I love the feeling, I don't feel I deserve happiness so I push it the moment it gets close to me,

It's easier to do that than have it taken from me by fate after some useless make believe,

I've lost so much people that I love that at this point, I push away anyone else that tries to get close,

I lost About 8 of my closest friends through 2020/21 and then I lost my girlfriend.

God made my life hell and made it clear to me that happiness was not my path,

I begged him to take me too and end my shit of a life, but he refused,

I pushed "Deeja" away cause she got too close and I fell in love with her,

Now I'm trying to do the same thing with Ife, cause God knows I'm all down for her,

But I can't let myself go down this road again, it's either I mess it up or she breaks me or God does it, either way something goes wrong at the end.

At the end of the day I've made peace with the fact that not every story has an ending leaving smiles on faces,

At this point reaching an ending will be sufficient,

I am my own sworn enemy, I tell myself secrets and then conspire against myself with myself to hurt myself, to save myself or whatever reason I do all that shit for

I don't know what I'm trying to say or why I'm writing all this shit down, but I just wished someone would understand my shit.

51. DEAR RAR

Your wicked beams tell more tales than words can ever profess,

They show how you want to shower love, but it's neigh impossible not to reflect the energy you've tholed,

Even though all I see are the fires you ignite, the constant fire in your eyes,

I feel the unseen moving butterflies,

The tears through your rays,

I see you, everything between the lines.

52. DEAR GOD

Dear God, are you still really up there?

I'm just trying to understand what's really going on here,

Tables turn? But these tables ain't turn yet!

I might be saying a couple of things out of context,

I don't mean none, you know me; I'm just upset!

Tired of earth been really thinking of coming up there,

But you know you got to make the call, and you ain't call yet!

You said joy cometh in the morning, but it ain't come yet!

It's hard to hope when I'm still stuck up in the sunset.

So I pray me strength whenever I feel weak,

Humble me whenever I am everything but meek,

And shut me up whenever I do not really need to speak,

They laugh at me cause I love Do Re Mi, purely I am music freak,

I don't need 3 crowns, I really just want to reach the peak,

I'm a crooked nigga, never said I was ever sleek,

They want to peek and boo! They run off when they get a peek,

Trying to find success, but she's still inclined to playing hide and seek.

53. ANTISOCIAL?!

Humans, it's really hard not to hate them,

Most times I feel like I'm not one myself, I am just so different from them all,

When you see what humans do, you understand why there's the saying; "Thank God! God is not a man"

Heck! I don't need the power of a God, gun in my hand and my rationality taken away, there will be murder in mass,

But nothing is ever truly good is it?

There's always an imperfection, a flaw lurking around no matter how well it's hidden, it is present.

So I can't blame humans for being humans, for displaying a flaw that wasn't so obvious to the eyes, I can only blame myself for being different and finding faults in a lot that they do,

Some days I pinch my skin so hard to see if it'll come off and reveal me as some sort of alien or creature hiding behind this human tegument,

Yet what results is a stream of red liquid that screams; "you are built same as them!" and then I see that I am human even though I don't feel like I am, I am,

I have emotions, tears, snot, lust, I'm just a different breed, a very uncommon one, whether that's a good or a bad thing I still can't figure out, I'm still trying to figure it all out.

54. … BECAUSE IT DOES.

Tik, tok, time sprints to flight, it could more than easily leave me behind,

I open my eyes, all three of them so I shall see cause ignorance is not a yardstick, it is no excuse to blame being blind,

They say life is a race, I am not intent on being the fastest, but yet still I am running for my life,

I do not intend to be fallen anytime near and with no japery as a cause,

So I take heed his guide, put my all on the line like everything depends on it…

55. …IT'S NOT I.

I shouldn't be having these feelings, I should have learnt from lessons experience has taught me,

I already have my head over heels and from everything you're doing I know you're going to hurt me,

It's like you don't want me, but want to taunt me,

And these delusional thoughts always haunt me,

You cut me cold and leave me angry,

But then I see you and my soul grows hungry,

My heart sees a future, but my mind tells me you have a someone and…