Have you ever wondered what it would be like, if you could just change a few things about yourself? How different would I be? How would people see me?
I have never truly adored loved and cherished myself. I was uncomfortable in my own skin seventy percent of the time. There were the days I wished I was not 6ft 3 but 5ft 10; just a bit shorter. The days I would rather be a size large rather than a double extra large; just a bit smaller. The days I wish my ass was not just wide but a bit plumper. Then there were the days I wish my back folds were just a little less obvious.To me, these were the small things I wished I could change about myself.
If I were to hit the gym, eat in a calorie deficit, ate less buldak carbonara noodles, Alfredo and cheesy fries, I could probably loose a lot of weight and grant myself all these wishes. But it was not that easy. I was a lazy sack of potatoes, and all these things I wished to change about myself were not because I truly had a problem with how I looked, but rather people had a problem with how I looked. Most people were kind enough to not be direct with it, but they still implied it in many ways they were sometimes clueless about.
Thirty percent of the time, I thought of myself as a tall cute and chubby princess, until people pointed out how my back folds looked in a dress, or how flabby my arms were, or how tight the dress was, and it displayed how curvy my body was for a seventeen year old.I hated how if I had to go to the mall, it was a norm for me to get preyed on by men who were old enough to be my father, all in the name of "You don't look like a teen, you look like a woman, age is just a number, and you are almost eighteen anyway."
It was disgusting and it made me feel disgusted with myself, why did I have to look this way. Why could I not attract guys my age, but attract weird old men. I wished I could change myself so bad but I obviously really could not make such wishes. This was because then I was just the fat insecure girl, who could not love herself or get others to love her for her.