Ozpin had done it.
He had survived a spar against Yang Xiao Long without getting punched into next week. Not only that, but she bought it. She thought he was some kind of effortless counter-fighter with decades of experience, instead of a desperate fraud winging it at terminal velocity.
Step Sixty-Four: Do not ruin the illusion.
Which meant the next logical step was—
A knock at the door.
Oh no.
He barely had time to adjust his posture before Glynda stepped in, expression unreadable.
"You sparred with a student."
It wasn't a question.
Ozpin took a slow sip of coffee. "Indeed."
She folded her arms. "Without informing me."
"Spontaneity can be valuable, Professor Goodwitch."
Her eye twitched. "Sir."
Ozpin hummed, setting his coffee down. "Was there something you needed, Glynda?"
She exhaled slowly, rubbing her temple. "Just informing you that General Ironwood has arrived."
Pause.
...Oh no.
Step Sixty-Five: Survive James Ironwood.
---
Step Sixty-Six: The Ironwood Situation
Ozpin sat in his office, watching as James Ironwood walked through the door, all rigid posture and military precision.
"James," Ozpin greeted, offering a small nod.
"Ozpin," Ironwood said, stepping forward, his usual serious expression fixed in place. "Good to see you."
Ozpin gestured toward the chair. "Likewise. Have a seat."
Ironwood did not sit.
Instead, he studied Ozpin for a long moment.
Too long.
Ozpin took a sip of coffee to stall.
Step Sixty-Seven: Do not blink first.
Finally, Ironwood spoke. "I heard you've been taking a more hands-on approach lately."
Oh?
Ozpin raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?"
The General nodded. "Word is, you've been more active around the students. Combat demonstrations. Sparring sessions."
Pause.
Oh no.
Ironwood leaned forward slightly. "In fact, I was hoping to see it for myself."
Ozpin froze.
Step Sixty-Eight: DO NOT ACCEPT.
Ironwood smiled. "A friendly spar, perhaps?"
Oh no oh no oh no—
Ozpin steepled his fingers. "James, are you challenging me?"
Ironwood shrugged, casual but very much not casual. "I just want to see how much the great Ozpin has left in him."
...Crap.
He needed a way out.
Step Sixty-Nine: Deflect With Cryptic Bullsh*t.
Ozpin sighed, shaking his head. "James, James, James…"
Ironwood raised an eyebrow.
"You already know how this would end."
A pause.
Ironwood blinked. "…Do I?"
Ozpin leaned back, mystical wizard energy engaged. "You and I both know the outcome, my friend. It is already decided."
Ironwood frowned slightly. "Is it?"
Ozpin took a slow sip of coffee.
Step Seventy: Let Him Make His Own Assumptions.
Finally, Ironwood chuckled. "I suppose you always were unpredictable."
Ozpin inclined his head, as if he had just imparted great wisdom.
Ironwood sighed. "Very well. Another time, perhaps."
Step Seventy-One: ESCAPE SUCCESSFUL.
---
Step Seventy-Two: The Bigger Problem
Ironwood sat down at last, shifting into business mode.
"We need to talk about security," he said.
Ah.
Here we go.
"The White Fang," Ironwood continued, "has become more aggressive. We suspect they may attempt to interfere with the Vytal Festival."
Ozpin nodded slowly. "Not unexpected."
Ironwood studied him. "You seem remarkably calm about this."
Step Seventy-Three: Pretend You Have A Plan.
He took a sip of coffee. "I anticipated this possibility."
"Did you?" Ironwood asked, suspicious.
Ozpin smiled mysteriously. "Of course."
Ironwood did not look convinced.
"You do have a countermeasure in place, right?"
Pause.
Ozpin took another sip of coffee.
Ironwood's frown deepened. "…Oz?"
Ozpin nodded sagely. "James."
A long pause.
Ironwood narrowed his eyes. "…You don't actually have a plan, do you?"
Step Seventy-Four: Lie. Lie Like Your Life Depends On It.
"James," Ozpin said, adjusting his glasses. "Would you like a cookie?"
Ironwood stared at him.
Ozpin slid a plate across the desk.
Ironwood sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I am going to regret this, aren't I?"
"Absolutely," Ozpin said pleasantly.
Step Seventy-Five: Stall Until This Becomes Future You's Problem.
---
Step Seventy-Six: The Aftermath
After Ironwood finally left, Glynda stepped back in.
"You dodged a spar with General Ironwood," she said, unimpressed.
"I did."
"You did not provide him with a concrete security plan."
"Correct."
She folded her arms. "And you gave him a cookie."
Ozpin smiled. "Everyone likes cookies, Glynda."
She exhaled, rubbing her temple. "…You are impossible."
Ozpin sipped his coffee. "Why, thank you."
Step Seventy-Seven: Survive Another Day.