[TED and KEVIN walk in the train, seated beside each other while exchanging deadpan looks to one another, scaring others off to seat somewhere else. KEVIN has an EYEPATCH covering his right eye. TED has crutches beside him.]
TED: "Damn."
KEVIN: "Damn."
TED: (TED looks over to KEVIN with a raised eyebrow) "What happened to your eye?"
KEVIN: "Eh…" (KEVIN shrugs and touches his eyepatch) "...Long story."
TED: "I bet."
KEVIN: "Yeah... I was chopping up some onions at my job and the knife slipped out my hands and stabbed into my eye."
TED: "Oh, damn, for real?"
KEVIN: "Yeah."
TED: "Oof... Yeah man, I know how that feels. I remember when my dad tried to cut his sandwich in half and he managed to stab both his eyes somehow with the same knife in one swift motion."
KEVIN: "Damn. For real?"
TED: "Yeah. I saw it. Think I was 7."
KEVIN: "Damn."
TED: "Indeed."
[Awkard silence occurs]
KEVIN: "Well... What happened to you?"
TED: "Huh? Oh, I just got run over by the ice cream truck again."
KEVIN: "Damn. How did that happen?"
TED: "Well, I tried to order a SpongeBob Popsicle like always but the guy misheard me and gave me a Superman popsicle. I'm a Dragon Ball fan so of course I didn't want it so I tried to chase him down."
KEVIN: "Then he pressed brakes and hit you by accident?"
TED: "No. He thought I was trying to rob him so he made a U-Turn and ran me over at full speed. My ears were burning after that."
KEVIN: "Damn."
TED: "Yeah. Apparently he still sells ice cream."
KEVIN: "Yeah. I saw him yesterday actually. I ordered a SpongeBob Popsicle but he gave me a Superman popsicle too."
TED: "Damn."
[Awkard silence occurs]
KEVIN: "You know? That actually reminds me of a story."
TED: "Oh really? Please share."
KEVIN: (KEVIN ponders) "I remember when my grandma tried to make ice cream but my grandpa told her that it was made by the Chinese."
TED: "China? What do they got to do with ice cream?"
KEVIN: "Well... My grandpa thought the Chinese were making ice cream that, if consumed, will change your genetics into being Chinese and you'll have to serve under China for life."
TED: "Huh... Damn. Is that true?"
KEVIN: "Shii, I don't know but what I do know my grandma and grandpa argued all night."
TED: "Damn. What happened next?"
KEVIN: "Then the Chinese spies came through our windows and started fighting my grandpa. I still don't know how he managed to take on five military trained spies at once till this day."
TED: "Damn. When did this all happen?"
KEVIN: "Exactly a year ago."
TED: "Damn."
KEVIN: "Indeed."
[Awkward silence occurs.]
TED: "Heh. It's funny you mention spies."
KEVIN: "Why is that?"
TED: "Because apparently my mother works as a Russian spy."
KEVIN: "Damn. For real?"
TED: "Yeah. She was just acting about loving my father but she ended up actually loving him and almost forgetting her mission."
KEVIN: "A-almost?"
TED: "Yeah. She got mind controlled by the Russians again and she had to return."
KEVIN: "Damn."
TED: "Yeah. I still remember when the Russians chokeslammed my father through the glass tables and it shattered everywhere."
KEVIN: "Damn. That sucks man."
TED: "Yeah. He's still in the hospital although he keeps saying the Russians go there to laugh at his condition and leave."
KEVIN: "Damn. Can never trust Russia."
TED: "Indeed."
[Awkward silence occurs.]
KEVIN: "That reminds me of a story of how the police threw a grenade at my dad's chest and he exploded into a million pieces."
TED: "Damn. That actually happened to your dad?"
KEVIN: "Yeah. My grandpa was the one who threw it."
TED: "Oh damn. Why?"
KEVIN: "My dad was chasing down that ice cream truck guy because he gave him a SpongeBob Popsicle instead of a Superman popsicle like he asked but the ice cream truck thought he was robbing him and tried to run him over."
TED: "D-did it work?"
KEVIN: "HA, No. My dad backflipped over the truck and threw his ice cream cone precisely at his tires."
TED: "Damn..."
KEVIN: "Yeah so the cops were called and since we're black, they teleported there and tried to shoot him but apparently HE was working for the Chinese government and he managed to dodge all their bullets with his Kung-Fu and knocked all of them out."
TED: "Oh, so that's why your grandpa threw the grenade because he was a Chinese conspirator?"
KEVIN: "Well... No. He didn't know he was a Chinese spy until after he died. He said he always wanted to do that and wished he wore a condom. But him knowing he was Chinese afterwards was the bonus points."
TED: "Damn man. When did this all go down?"
KEVIN: "Yesterday."
TED: "Damn. Sorry for you being black I guess."
KEVIN: "Yeah. Thank you very much... Wait."
[Awkward silence occurs. TED's phone begins ringing]
TED: (Picks up phone.) "Hello?"
KEVIN: "Who's that on the phone?"
TED: "My father. He says my mother arrived with blood covered over her."
KEVIN: "Damn. What happened?"
TED: "She killed the Russian spies mind controlling her and is sobbing right now."
KEVIN: "Damn. How did she break out of mind control?"
TED: "Good question." (To the phone:) "Hey, dad. Ask how she broke out of mind control."
KEVIN: "Well...?"
TED: "Oh... Apparently she was never mind controlled. She just lied."
KEVIN: "Why?!"
TED: "Because she was mad at my father that day. It was just a coincidence that the Russian spies decided to raid our house that day."
KEVIN: "Damn. I, too, hate coincidences."
TED: "Damn, indeed." (Hangs up phone.)
[A large THUD crashes onto the train. The train blacks out for a second before coming back on.]
KEVIN: (Gets a text message and looks at his phone.) "Damn."
TED: "What happened?"
KEVIN: "I think there's Chinese, Russian, and American spies on this train."
TED: "How... How do you know-"
KEVIN: "My grandpa just crashed down. He says he is going to take care of them by throwing grenades at their foreheads."
TED: "... Damn. For real?"
KEVIN: "Yeah..."
TED: "Damn."
KEVIN: "Yeah. Also I remember the time I crossed up my grandma in basketball and her head dribbled on the concrete."
TED: "Damn. Sad that happened. Wish her the best."
KEVIN: "Nah. She was a Russian Spy, too."
TED: "Oh. Then fuck her then."
KEVIN: "Yeah."
[The train stops. Explosions can be heard throughout the train nearby.]
Train Operator: "EVERYONE OFF THE TRAIN! THERE'S A CRAZY OLD MAN FIGHTING CHINESE, RUSSIAN, AND AMERICAN SPIES!"
KEVIN: "Bruh!"
TED: "That sucks."
[KEVIN and TED walk out of the train.]
KEVIN: "Well... That happened. Guess we got to walk."
TED: "Damn."
KEVIN: "Damn. Indeed."
---
The End.