It was the most normal afternoon for a typical, bottom of a barrel, kind of guy like me. Inside a compacted room I call my prison cell, I sat on a thin foam bed placed on the floor. Large scratches, holes, craters in the foam, clearly the thing has seen better days. In front is a foldable desk I took from someone's pile of trash. And resting on it was my notebook filled with my thoughts for my next stand up tomorrow.
My room, though small, is my safe space where I could think and revise these notes of jokes I pulled from my asshole. If only I could focus and not watch the growing ecosystem in the place. I've already spent half an hour watching the spider in the corner catch a small cockroach and slurp its insides like I would a woman's you know what, well only if I could, and if I was given consent. I'm no savage beast.
I know what you're thinking, didn't you just say that it's your prison cell? How could it be your safe space? Well, guess what, you privileged bastard, I would want to be in a prison cell of your first world country. If not for the fact that the place I live is a fifth world (of course it's a joke), and I ain't no criminal, or at least not yet. Some of the audience who paid for my last stand up filed stupid lawsuits saying that it was a scam and one fat guy among them said that the only funny thing about me is my own existence.
Peak comedy right there. I should've asked that man to do comedy with me, but I bet his fat ass couldn't reach the next step of the stairs to the stage of the club where I perform. It was uneven, I tripped on that piece of great engineering more times than I heard someone laugh after hearing my jokes.
You know what? I think my jokes were just too smart for their feeble minds. And I get it. I'm like the modern-day Shakespeare of comedy. To be, or not to be, baby. Didn't make any sense, but you get the point.
Then, as I was staring at the combination of words and phrases I tried to make into something funny, my phone lit up and let out a bell sound. Who am I kidding? The main reason I couldn't focus was because I kept glancing at my phone.
Like anyone would, I jumped as if I was possessed to get the phone and look at the notification. It was something I was waiting for since earlier. You see, I left a great review for an online novel. Every word that I typed was picked with utmost care. I wrote,
"Youre novel could've ben good... if it weren't a load of trash. Another clichie about third son of a strong clan but she is trash or has no tslent then becom op out of nowhere so many trash storys online nowadays SMH!"
To those who aren't accustomed to the rules of online arguments yet, those typos and bad grammar were deliberate. It's to create the illusion that I typed my review in less than a minute and to attract those that work at the global grammar police agency (English division) like flies rushing to the smell of shit, even though I revised it a couple of times. In other words, I laid a trap card for the author, and for stupid people that would either defend the story or correct my grammar. Who wouldn't want to have some fun online altercation, am I right?
And a rain of dopamine poured over me soon as I saw that the one who replied was the author. His reply went,
"I apologize if the story wasn't to your liking. But, I think you're just directing your rage towards my work. Which only trash people do by the way. Do a proper review, write the parts you didn't like after you actually give the story a try and not look at the synopsis and title to reach your conclusion."
A decent human being might've rethought their life and apologized while also removing their review. Don't get me wrong, I could say with confidence that I am fairly decent in real life. Maybe, at least more decent than you.
With that out of the way, let's proceed with more honesty, shall we? Here's the truth; almost every single person in this wretched world only acts decently in fear of repercussions or to be seen as a good person. Give them the ability to say bullshit to one another – like how fat each other's mother is – without getting punched in the face and they will talk trash with each other like it's the best breakfast-lunch-dinner combo meal ever.
I bet if God had a social media account, he would've flamed the shit out of you for not attending church (or attending the "wrong" one), or because you weren't worshipping him more than you should. Hell, he might even tell you to stop beating your junior because he could see you, with your legs stretched and your pupils pulled back from your eyes. I agree with him though, your thing needs rest, don't abuse it, get some help.
There are even some people who can't hide their nasty thoughts and Karen minds while offline, no offense to people with the name, but it has to be said.
So in conclusion, in a place where you could hide behind emojis and anime character pictures, who wouldn't want to stop the act? Yeah, let's release our hidden aggression and trash fetishes we needed to hide to blend in society.
I'll try to understand if you don't agree, fucking saint. Just show me your unhidden browsing history. Show me your chats with your cheating partner you named after a fast food restaurant or your google searches that should send you to jail, and we'll see. And this goes without saying but, your points for heaven will not increase by acting all goody-two-shoes. That's something you should live by, dingus. To be kind because that's what you feel was right and not because some ancient book told you to. And there might even be no heaven. I'm still not sold with that concept.
So, where were we? Right. Again, to those unaware of the nature of online arguments, the author's reply might seem inoffensive. But, within it are subtle attacks towards me. I got the dumbass, and with a bigger grin on my face, I replied,
"Just frm the tite and synopsis i can alredy tell hiw trash it is! Fcking 'the talentless third son of the mount hua sect' DAFAQ? I already know that its gonna to be about a stpd pink flower fcker that sudenly gets OP and hansome getting to clap all the buttcheeks in town. SEEN THIS A MILLIONTH TIME!"
Ah. I was filled with bliss after writing those words. The fully capitalized sentence at the end gives me tickles and I could imagine a chef's kiss blowing towards me. My stupid magnum opus for the day, if only it was with the jokes I was working on.
This time, I didn't let go of my phone. I knew that the author was staring at his computer, refreshing the page, and was ready to combat my reply. And only a minute after my comment, he replied.
"So, I was right that you didn't even read a chapter and made a review with your biased judgement solely through the title and synopsis. Then, please suggest a better title. Or better yet, try and read the story first, even just the first volume, before saying the story is bad."
It was a reply that I anticipated. Although I wanted him to curse me and appear madder, I guess his reply will do. Maybe, he toned it down as he feared his readers would find him as an asshole like me. Anyway, it's still fun. So, I replied,
"How about you come up with somethimg original? you want a title? Here: 'I am the son of the friend of the owner of the neighbors dog and I am the third born who cant do shit.' there create a story with that and ill pay for your chapters HAHAHA."
In case it wasn't apparent with the repetitive and capitalized ha's, I was having a blast. I didn't know I could come up with such a funny title on a whim. Maybe, I should be a writer instead of digging deeper into my asshole to pull out a joke.
Only mere seconds after my reply, my phone's notification blurted out.
"That title won't even be allowed by the site, it's too long. And if I'm right, isn't that a story about normal people? I apologize but I only write fantasy," the author replied.
"Oh your right you want some cultivation bullshit? Okay use this: 'I am the third son of the friend of our neighbor's dog's owner and I am a useless shit but the dog is the strongest cultivator and now became my master' there you go you got your cultivation crap in there, now go write! be sure to pay me later for that title and story!"
The moment I placed my phone at the table, it lit up. I was excited to see the author's reply, but it was a worker from the GGPA (Global Grammar Police Agency), telling me to check my grammar, spellings, and ending his reply with, "Learn English!" I ignored the dumbass. How could someone be so stupid he couldn't read between the lines, nor even see the lines to begin with. Maybe I should've told him that it was deliberate, and that the world isn't flat. Nah, we need stupid people like him, for us to make fun off and be the subjects of - I will learn to have an open mind and not end up like that - if they're gone, how else would we improve our thinking? Who else would give us entertainment for saying or doing ludicrous bullshit?
Surprise, surprise, he wasn't the only worker from GGPA. God, they're multiplying fast. Should I get my common-sense blaster, and sarcasm whip to eradicate this growing stupidity? Yes? But, they're kinda cute and hilarious though. And, I bet my weapons won't even manage to scratch the thick surface of their - I'm stupid and I'm proud - barrier.
Some other people left replies that I couldn't help but roll my eyes. One wrote, "Is there NTR?" Another one commented, "Yuri?" Can't they tell that I didn't read the story? If my ugly face improves even the slightest every time I see these comments, I would've been the handsomest man in existence. To the point where women's underwear would drop at the sight of it. Also, are they toddlers? What? Their diapers gonna be filled with shit if they read those? How about just skip through it like an adult.
Another poor soul made a comment, "Is there romance? Please no romance," he said. My empathy was at its peak. I couldn't even comment back to him. He must've been someone like me - devoid of any romance in his life. But, unlike me who feels that tingly sensation reading or watching others have the romance that I don't and hope to someday experience it myself, this guy went deep into the dark side, he loathes romance. After thinking about what to say to make him feel a bit better, I wrote, "RIP."
Minutes passed and the author hadn't replied yet. It was fun while it lasted. Should I find a different stupid story to leave my great reviews? As I thought about it, the author replied again as if he heard my thoughts.
"I admit that your title is quite funny. But again, I can't use it. Maybe I could write something about that plot. Wait for it. Anyway, if you don't want to read my story, maybe you could experience it yourself. Click this link and you will come to love the world that I have built."
Below his words was a weird URL. He must've encrypted it or something, well I am no programmer so I have no clue. But, it felt ominous. I could feel my heartbeat going faster. It's the kind of feeling when your body tells you that something either great or shitty is about to go down. Well, most of the time it's just literal shit that needs to go down the toilet by clawing its way out of your asshole. Yet, this time, it feels a bit different.
As an avid reader, I have read multiple online novels that started in such a way - clicking a link that transported them to another world. The only thing that's keeping me in this world is my desire to make that fat bastard laugh his heart out. I mean cough the entire thing while it's still pumping, if that's possible. I'll also settle with giving him a heart attack because of too much laughter. But, I guess I'll just let his poor diet do the work. And so, with my own heart pounding, I decided to click the link.