Chapter 13: I Value You
I once had tea time with my girls as was our tradition every last Saturday of the month when one of my besties Linda told us a short story about her husband that sent me laughing with tears rolling down my cheeks. Now I never thought I'd put this into writing someday, but here we are…
The first time Tommy said, "I value you," Linda nearly flipped the house.
"What did you just say?" she asked, stabilising the tray of muffins that had almost slipped from her hands.
Tommy, her husband of five years, sighed dramatically, and said "I said… I value you."
Linda narrowed her eyes. "You mean, you love me?"
Tommy adjusted his glasses and shook his head. "No, darling, How could just loving you be enough? I VALUE you."
Now, don't get me wrong, Linda is a catch. She possesses an executive MBA from one of those International Business Schools and is currently one of the top investment bankers at her firm. She is also one of those girls that guys will not hesitate to make theirs. But as fate will have it, Tommy got her first and she will forever be taken. Perhaps Linda let the pride get into her head too much.
It all started six months ago when Linda had realised that the universal trump card in any marital disagreement was a single, devastating phrase: "It's because you don't value me. You don't know what you have" It worked like magic and would leave the opposition speechless. I bet the person who posted this statement on Instagram probably didn't know she would almost crash a loving relationship by doing this.
The strategic nuclear weapon of words was detonated whenever Tommy forgot to take the trash out, left his socks and shoes lying around the house, or—God forbid—ate the last piece of drumstick without offering it to his dear wife.
Poor Tommy, at first responded with all the usual defenses. "I'm sorry darling!", "It won't happen again honey", "Of course, I love you, Linda." "You know you mean the world to me." "How could you even think that?"
But every time, Linda would cross her arms, shake her head solemnly, and say, "No, Tommy. If you truly valued me, you wouldn't have stayed out late with your female colleagues" Or, "If you valued me, you wouldn't have yelled at me just because I spent money on a new bag." To make things worse, she even cries sometimes.
Being a software engineer who approached problems with logical solutions, Tommy was at his wit's end and decided to change tactics. He created a spreadsheet titled "Ways to Show Value" and derived data points. His colleagues at work became unwitting relationship counsellors. He decided to express his value to Linda in a language she would definitely understand.
One morning, as Linda was getting ready for work, Tommy knelt on the bed and cleared his throat ceremoniously. "Linda," he said, looking all serious, "There's something I need to tell you."
"What?" she asked, distracted by her mascara application.
He inhaled deeply and what followed next were words that will stay with Linda forever "I value you."
The mascara applicator froze midair. "You what?"
"I value you," he repeated, now gaining confidence. "Your market value in my life portfolio is consistently high. You're basically my blue-chip stock."
Linda stared at him, mascara forgotten. "Did you just compare me to the stock market?"
"Yes," he said proudly. "You're a high-yield investment with excellent returns."
"Well," Linda said, once she could breathe again, "Thank you, Honey,"
"Darling! From now on, I'll always tell you how much I value you." He smiled like a baby who had just got his favourite toy back.
Linda smiled amidst the tears and waved him off. She picked her bag and ran out of the room like it was on fire.
That evening, Linda called her best friend Maryam, who had the misfortune of answering while drinking wine. "He said I'm his blue-chip stock!" Linda wailed as Maryam choked on her Chardonnay. She told Maryam about the entire story which made her spiral out of control with laughter.
"Well," Maryam said, once she could breathe again, "at least he's… trying?"
"What do you mean he's trying?" Linda queried, surprised that her friend was siding with her husband. "He won't say 'I love you' anymore. He just keeps saying he values me. Like I'm some kind of investment portfolio."
"Linda, this is your fault!
"You're the one who kept saying he didn't value you. Now, he's going out of his way to tell you how valuable you are" Maryam said while barely holding her laughter in.
The "I value you" declarations continued. Tommy started texting and calling her during work hours "Your coffee-making skills have increased in value by 23% this quarter." "Your existence adds significant value to my life metrics." "Your smile has a higher ROI than cryptocurrency."
At lunch, he texted her: Hope you're having a great day, my most valuable asset.
Linda stared at her phone, confused.
Linda's coworkers started a betting pool on what financial term he would use next. The office favorite was "You're my hedge against loneliness."
Linda had gotten tired of hearing about her value. Perhaps Maryam was right. Had she… overused the phrase? Had she, in her quest for ultimate emotional leverage, accidentally rebranded her marriage into a corporate merger?
That night, she decided to test her theory.
As Tommy climbed into bed, she turned to him with big, round eyes. "Tommy?"
"Yes, my esteemed shareholder?"
Linda groaned. "Can you just… say it? Just once?"
Tommy smirked. "Say what?"
"You know."
He tapped his chin, pretending to think. "Hmm. Do you mean… 'Linda, my dearest, I recognize and appreciate your unparalleled contributions to this household?"
Linda threw a pillow at him.
Tommy caught it mid-air. "Oh, you mean I love you?"
Linda nodded eagerly.
Tommy pulled her close, landed a kiss on her lips, and whispered, "No. But I do value you very, very much."
Linda swore she could hear a tiny part of her soul scream. She went to bed with a belly full of anger.
The moment it hit her, was during their anniversary dinner when Tommy prepared a candlelight dinner and the terrace was decorated with flowers and dim light. He also arranged a projector and a screen for the night. She was so excited thinking it would be a throwback memory of their pictures and happy times. Only for her to see the mind-gripping title: "A Five-Year Valuation of Our Relationship."
Tommy began his presentation, "And as you can see," he said, pointing to a particularly colorful graph, "your value has shown remarkable growth since…"
"Tommy" Linda interrupted, trying not to laugh, "what are you doing?". She had finally confirmed that her husband was not just emotionally inept but was a complete cute nerd.
"Showing you that I value you," he said, blinking at her in confusion. "I even included a SWOT analysis of our marriage."
Linda looked at her husband—this ridiculous, wonderful man who had created an entire presentation because she'd made him think 'I love you" wasn't enough—and she burst out laughing.
"You know what I value about you?" she said, wiping tears from her eyes as she got up from her seat. "The fact that you'd make a PowerPoint about our marriage just to make me happy."
Tommy beamed. "I can show you the projected value trends for our happiness metrics…"
"How about you just kiss me instead?" Linda mused
"That would be an efficient use of resources," he shook his head. "But okay"
From that day forward, "I value you" became their private joke, their unique way of saying "I love you." Linda stopped using the phrase as a weapon, and Tommy kept leaving his ridiculous financial-themed messages, each one more absurd than the last. Turns out he deliberately did all of that and what started as a joke for him became a major turning point for their relationship.
After hearing this story, I believe that "Sometimes love needs a little rebranding. And if your husband starts comparing you to stocks, just remember… at least he didn't call you his cryptocurrency investment. Those are way too volatile."
Hope you had a good laugh too. Linda is way too cute. P.S Linda and her husband have the best relationship amongst our friend group.