Why do I cut? I cut because I like the way it feels the brush of the cold metal against my skin. The pain feels like a high, a dopamine rush to my brain, the feeling of being near death but not actually dying. It's like a twisted game I play with myself, a way to discern reality from the nightmares that plague me.
It's become hard to tell lately. I can feel myself gradually losing my mind. But no teenager is sane to begin with, right? I'm not the only one whose mind is playing games with them. One tiny shove would push me over the edge.
I'd been feeling more sensitive and on edge lately. I was reaching for the cutter when I heard my mom's voice. "Alex, you're going to be late for school."
School. Yes, I had to go to school. "I'll be down in a minute."
My mother and I haven't always had the best relationship. Amanda Basset was a woman with a small stature and build, but don't let her size fool you she had a feisty personality and a fierce mouth. Looking at us, you could tell we were mother and son. Same chocolate brown skin, same brown eyes. We both had short dreads, but unlike me, my mother carried herself with an air of confidence.
I hugged my mom before leaving for school. She smelled of vanilla and shea butter. I loved that scent; it calmed me.
"Morning, Mom," I said, hugging her before leaving for school. She smelled of vanilla and shea butter. I loved that scent; it calmed me.
"Morning, Alex. Before I forget, Bill is arriving today," she said, her tone casual but observant.
I let out a low grunt, unable to control myself. "Great," I muttered sarcastically.
My mother had a small frown on her face. "You have to change that attitude of yours. Bill has been nothing but nice to you."
"Yeah, when you're looking," I mumbled under my breath.
"Look," my mother said as she placed her palm on my face, "I know you guys have your differences, but would you try to get along with him for me?" She had that pleading look in her eyes I couldn't say no to. This woman knew her charms and my weaknesses.
"Yes, I'll try," I relented. There was no other way.
"Dinner's by seven. Be back before then, okay? And have a great day at school."
"I'll try," I muttered as I walked out the door.
I would try to get along with Bill, but having a great day at school was one thing I couldn't control.
Preston High School. To others, it might look like a regular high school. To me, it was a battlefield. Hormonal, horny teenagers all in one place isn't that just great? As I walked through the crowded hallway with my head down, trying to make it to class, I felt a shove behind me and went spiraling to the floor, face down. This was not a great way to start my morning.
"Ha ha, very funny," I muttered, picking myself up from the floor.
"What's the matter, Alex? Lose something?" Adam sneered. His goons laughed around him.
"Seems not all of us matured past middle school," I shot back. I knew that would send a punch coming my way, but for some reason, I just couldn't control my anger.
Adam was the school's typical bully. Couldn't bear to see anyone happy for too long. I don't know what he's being fed at home, but he was huge built like a lumberjack. I had become his new target for some reason, even I don't know why. I brushed the dust off my clothes and picked up my backpack.
I could feel a punch coming at me and sidestepped just in time to dodge it. Don't ask me how I can feel a punch coming; I don't know, I just felt it, okay?
I could see the shock in Adam's eyes. He hadn't expected me to dodge. Even I didn't expect myself to, but I had done so somehow, and he wasn't happy about it. I could physically see him turn red with rage. No one was trying to help; they all stood there silently watching. I was saved by the sound of the bell. I had never been more happy to hear the sound of a bell in my life. I quickly hurried over to class. Well, it seems Adam would be the least of my problems today.
Classes dragged on as usual. The teachers droned on about subjects that seemed irrelevant to my life. Math, history, science they all blurred together. I couldn't focus. My mind kept drifting back to the nightmare and the shadows that haunted me.
During one of those particularly boring classes, I fell asleep. I had a strange dream.
In the dream, I saw a beautiful woman, her presence commanding and serene. She began to mold the first humans from clay, each one unique and filled with life. She breathed her essence into them, and they awoke, moving and speaking. She created men and women, each with their roles and purposes. She gave them the land and the sea, the animals and the plants. The world was in perfect harmony, each element connected and thriving.
It was a beautiful sight, the birth of humanity and the world around them. But as the dream continued, I felt a sense of unease. The shadows began to creep in, twisting and distorting the perfect world that she had created. The harmony was disrupted, and the once peaceful people began to fight and struggle.
I woke up with a start, the images of the dream still fresh in my mind. The sound of the bell signaling the end of class brought me back to reality. I looked around, disoriented, trying to shake off the remnants of the dream. It had felt so real, so vivid, and I couldn't help but wonder what it all meant.