Thanatos groaned again, dragging a hand down his face. "This is a nightmare."
Zhuxen, still beaming, clasped her hands together. "A fateful journey to retrieve your scythe! Bound by destiny, side by side!"
Thanatos shot her a blank look. "We are not bound by anything."
A few steps away, Lian was having an existential crisis.
On one hand, her lady was talking to absolutely no one. On the other, she seemed very confident in her delusions, which made things worse.
Lian took a deep breath and rubbed her temples. "My lady, just… just answer me this. How did you even 'die'?"
Zhuxen turned to her with a dramatic sigh. "Oh, Lian. It was a tragic and untimely demise."
Thanatos scoffed. "No, it wasn't."
Zhuxen ignored him. "You see, earlier today, when I was at the fountain—"
"You tripped, hit your head, and drowned."
Zhuxen gasped so hard she nearly swallowed the afterlife. "Excuse me?! That is NOT how I remember it!"
Thanatos folded his arms. "Oh, really? Because I remember arriving late—by literal minutes—because I was busy dealing with another soul who actually died on time. When I finally showed up to collect you, imagine my surprise when you weren't a corpse floating in the water but a very alive idiot gasping on the ground."
Zhuxen blinked.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
She wasn't supposed to be alive?
Her death had already been scheduled?!
Meanwhile, Lian—who was still standing a respectable five feet away, just in case insanity was contagious—was watching her lady argue with the air.
Zhuxen turned back to Thanatos, gripping his cloak with newfound urgency. "Are you saying I should have died earlier?!"
Thanatos exhaled sharply. "Yes, you should have, but I was late, so you survived. And now I'm here because your soul is basically glitching between life and death."
Zhuxen processed this.
And promptly decided that it was the most romantic thing she had ever heard in her life.
He had arrived late—not because he didn't care, but because he was overworked. Because he had so many souls to collect, but he still remembered her.
This was fate.
This was destiny.
This was love.
Zhuxen's eyes sparkled. "So what you're saying is, I cheated death because of you?"
Thanatos pinched the bridge of his nose. "No, what I'm saying is—"
"I was meant to die, but you couldn't bear to take me!"
"That's not—"
"Because I am special to you!"
Thanatos groaned so loudly that birds in the distance probably dropped dead from secondhand exhaustion. Lian, who had slowly started inching forward to better assess whether or not to call for a physician, immediately took a step back.
"You are not special! You are an ERROR!"
Zhuxen gasped, clutching her chest as if he had personally stabbed her with a celestial sword. "You wound me, my love."
Thanatos looked about two seconds away from self-destructing. "I swear to the gods—"
Lian, now visibly concerned, took a slow, cautious step forward. "My lady, are you… crying?"
Zhuxen wiped away an imaginary tear. "I just—it's so romantic. He remembers me. He spared me."
"I forgot you existed the second I left that fountain," Thanatos deadpanned.
Zhuxen ignored him entirely.
"Listen," Thanatos said, exhaling the breath of a man who had lost the will to live. "I don't have time for this. My scythe is missing. You technically should be dead. And until I find my scythe, I can't fix this mess."
Zhuxen's eyes glowed with excitement. "So, what you're saying is—"
"Do not say it."
"—we're stuck together?"
Thanatos groaned.
Zhuxen squealed.
Lian, who had abandoned all hope of reasoning with reality, buried her face in her hands and muttered something about needing several cups of tea.
Thanatos sighed, rubbing his temples as if that would make this entire situation disappear.
Unfortunately, Zhuxen was still there, grinning like a woman who had just won the romance lottery, and Lian was still staring at her like she had finally lost every last marble in her skull.
Zhuxen Mingzhu, the only child of the Song family is a well-behaved and elegant woman. She's intellectual, talented, and extremely blessed with milk, but what kind of insanity is unfolding in front of Lian now? Who knows. Even the gods might question this insanity themselves.
"Alright," Thanatos muttered. "Let's make one thing clear: I am not your romantic hero. I am a very tired entity who just wants to do his job without celestial bureaucracy breathing down his neck."
Zhuxen nodded solemnly. "Of course."
Thanatos narrowed his eyes. "You're not listening, are you?"
"Nope!"
He groaned, dragging a hand down his face. "Why me?"
Lian, who had been quietly observing this fever dream unfold, finally decided to step in. She cleared her throat, stepping cautiously beside Zhuxen—but not too close, in case this madness was contagious.
"My lady, if I may…" she began carefully, glancing at the empty air Zhuxen kept talking to. "Let's say, hypothetically, that this… person actually exists."
"He does exist," Zhuxen corrected cheerfully.
Lian's polite smile twitched. "Right," she said, clearly choosing her words as if she were defusing a bomb. "Then what exactly does he want from you?"
Zhuxen turned to Thanatos expectantly.
Thanatos, for the briefest moment, considered lying. He considered saying something so terrifyingly complicated that maybe—just maybe—Zhuxen would decide this was too much trouble and move on with her ghostly existence elsewhere.
But no.
Knowing her, she would probably take it as a challenge.
"I just need to find my scythe, fix your soul, and be done with this mess," he said flatly.
Zhuxen turned to Lian and smiled. "He said he just wanted to find his scythe."
Lian frowned. "That's it?"
"That's it," Thanatos confirmed.
Zhuxen gasped. "So you want to fix my soul?!"
"Yes."
"Because it's broken?"
"Yes."
"And because you care?"
"No."
Zhuxen placed a hand over her heart. "He cares," she whispered to Lian, who looked increasingly distressed.
"I don't care," Thanatos corrected.
Zhuxen ignored him completely.
Lian exhaled. "Let's say I go along with this madness. Where exactly is his scythe, my lady?"
Thanatos crossed his arms. "If I knew that, I wouldn't be standing here arguing with a delusional woman who thinks I have feelings."
Zhuxen gasped. "You do have feelings!"
"I don't!"
"Then why are you yelling?"
"BECAUSE YOU WON'T LISTEN!"
Lian subtly took another step back.
Zhuxen tapped her chin, looking completely unbothered. "Alright, Mr. Death, let's say your scythe is missing. What's stopping you from finding it?"
Thanatos clenched his jaw. "Because," he ground out, "I must have dropped it somewhere between realms, and now I have no where to start looking. If I go back, they'll find out about this mess."
Zhuxen blinked.
Lian blinked.
There was a long silence.
Then, slowly, impossibly, a grin spread across Zhuxen's face.
"So what you're saying is…"
"Oh, no."
"We're not just going on a journey."
"Please don't."
"We're going on a scavenger hunt?"
Thanatos clenched his fists so hard they nearly snapped off. At least she didn't say they'd be stuck together.
Zhuxen turned to Lian excitedly. "Lian! We need a map! A plan! And possibly explosives—"
"NO EXPLOSIVES!" Thanatos barked.
Zhuxen huffed. "Fine. But only because you said it."
Thanatos groaned.
Lian, who had somehow been dragged into this ridiculous afterlife catastrophe, could only stare at the sky and wonder where exactly her life had gone wrong.