I kept my fingers inside my pants after giving them a thorough wash in the ocean.
A surprise that it wasn't lost, sinking down the ocean floor or getting digested inside some fish belly. My crippled hands has stopped bleeding which was a surprise. I thought for sure that it would be bleeding so much that I would die of blood loss even before I got killed.
The wounds hurt a lot though. Maybe because it was cut of by teeth or maybe it was soaked in the salty water after being directly cut or maybe I don't know how to bandage a bleeding hand with just a T-shirt or all of the above.
And when I felt my hand hurt. My adrenaline wore off at once. All of the accumulated exhaustion hit me like a car at 90 kph. I couldn't even move my arms properly. The biggest action I did after getting hit by the effect by the adrenaline dropping off was lying on my back watching the sun with my dinner's organ, blood splattered on my bed.
Fuck! Even moving my arms were a pain. My both leg has to have muscle tears. Every small movement from them almost made me cry like a bitch. My arms they needed rest a long rest before I could even use them properly.
My left arm was bitten by the bastard dinosaur and it almost did a death roll. Surprisingly it's still in one piece and no broken bone. While it did have bite marks and muscle tear, it was still functional with pain. Gotta do some treatment for it asap.
My right arm. My crippled arm. The dinosaur bastard did a solid number to it. Now my finger's can't even count past three here. The shirt was a makeshift bandage and it being soaked in salt water, Yea it doesn't make the wound much cleaner. The three fingers somehow work just fine.
While using the middle finger, the ring finger also moves cause of the connected bones. And boy does it hurt. The remaining ring finger muscles and bones move touching the T-shirt and it's not a feeling I wanna feel again.
The pinky finger is completely gone. I can't even feel that area of the palm.
So my arms condition are one crippled but can be used after rest and another with muscle tear with long lasting effects.
My legs both have muscle tear at least that's what I believe. They don't give pain of 'I am tired' feeling but pain of 'Muscles torn' type.
My chest, neck are somehow fine. I expected at least some whiplash from jumping in the ocean while the raft played see saw.
My head has been disoriented with all the jumping between ocean and raft, lack of oxygen when diving, my instinct fighting logic.
So all in all. My dominant hand is crippled with only three fingers remaining. My left hand has a muscle tear but not broken bone. I have a feeling if left unchecked it might affect me in future. My both legs are well in a deep state of pain suspected from muscle tear and not just from one place. They might need a long time to heal naturally. No harm to my chest. The neck might need a little time to heal from the whiplash even if it got no harm. The head disoriented from all the no breath underwater fight I did, lack of oxygen when I needed it most. Even if the head was hurt I could do nothing to heal it. But god I hope it is not suffering from injuries.
So all in all. All I need is rest. And food. And water. And professional healthcare.
Yea the only thing I can do for my body and me is rest and food.
Looking at the dinner parts in which I was laying and the dinner I was gonna have later. Guess I will be having you later.
Looking at the sunny sky and the salty breeze mixed with the blood and organs.
I slept.
The waters are truly fickle and treacherous aren't they?
I woke up with a slap on my face with a wave of water. And I tell you all it isn't a good way to wake up.
So my disoriented mind and eyes hardly open, I see my dinner at the edge of the raft almost falling in the light of the thunder. I jumped towards it and caught it just in time to get another smack from the wave.
If the previous action was me all subconscious. Then this wave smack made all the action conscious. And when a man is fully conscious with a injured body, boy oh boy the pain is fully experienced. I was half a mind away from leaving my dinner to the mercy of the waves.
I didn't give up my dinner subconsciously no way I am gonna do it consciously. I held it tight as I was battered wave after wave. I could even hear my muscles tear little by little.
Then the rain came with more waves and winds threatening to throw me of the raft. My crippled hand clutching the fish while my left hand held the side of the raft I hung for dear life.
I felt the raft getting a bit higher like it was getting lifted up. The waves lifted up the raft higher and higher. And then the raft dropped.
Me, following the law of inertia, flew for a second like a looney toon character as I saw the almighty weather with its thunder crackling and the howling winds. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. It was beautiful. One thought ran my mind. One thought. How do I make it mine?
And then bam! I made contact with the raft. My chest made contact with the cold, wet and hard wood. I swear I heard my ribs crack.
Even if they didn't, I was vomiting out blood and bits of organs.
Death. It never felt so near in my whole life. Yet my desire of conquering the ocean remained at an all time high. Death was close. My desire even closer. My instinct told me the next second, the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next wave, the next wind any of them could give me what I desire. I just have to take it with my own hands.
Till then I am at her mercy.
I turned myself on my back.
The sky looked dark with thunder crackling as to witness of zeus, indra and thor's power, their anger, their arrogance. The howling winds reminded me of pack of wolves trailing their target in the cold frigid weather. The waters as unforgiving as life.
Are the winds waiting for my death? Is the thunder the anger you show when a mortal dares to dream? Is the ocean showing what my life is worth?
Nothing!
Even if I did my best to survive to survive. A strong wind will push me down. The thunder would strike me dead. The water would drown me, huh.
Was it denial to my desire to conquer you or an outright refusal to my claims? Are you denying me the chance to live in death or hoping I die before I lived?
The ocean and your elements. Is this a challenge from you to me? A challenge to be worthy of you? A challenge for the lordship? A challenge to rule you? A challenge to gain your acknowledgment? Or a game to you?
Anger surged in me.
I refuse to acknowledge it. I refuse to acknowledge your anger. I refuse to acknowledge your power. I refuse you being the superior to me. I refuse you deciding what my life is worth. I refuse you staring me like I am just food for you. I refuse you marking me as prey. I refuse to be at your mercy.
Anger and Emotions surged more and more till the beaker couldn't contain no more.
So what! If you can kill me. So what! If you are superior to me. So what! If you drown me. So what! If the fishes feast on my corpse. So what! If the waves leaves me battered beyond recognition. So what! So WHAT! If you win.
I refuse to acknowledge you nor your power.
So what! If you stand as someone almighty. So what! If you are almighty. So what! If you decide death with your iron fist.
I refuse YOU!
Even in death I shall refuse YOU.
YOU are nothing more than my aim. I refuse to acknowledge you anything more than that.
YOU are nothing more than a step, a pivot for me to complete my regret.
Nothing more. You are what I desire not what I need.
Even if you were to claim me as a number in your death list. A name to be ignored. I shall go out with pride unheard to all but myself.
I shall go out with no regret because my decision brought me to this pedestal.
I opened my eyes wide to feel the cold howling wind blow in my face, the waves splashing, the dark and cold sky too high to reach and the thunder crackling so as to bend my pride to it's desire.
I opened it wide open despite the salty water burning my eyes, the wind triggering my instincts, the thunder roaring at me.
I opened it wide open despite my ribs penetrating my organs from my shattered bones.
I opened it wide open despite the waves making me gasp for air.
My eyes. My sign that I will see it to the end.
My heart was beating. Beat after beat. Loudly. Loud enough to mask the thunders. Loud enough to make me point my only functional hands to the sky and show it a middle finger as a sign of my defiance.
My heartbeat is my sign. My defiance to this world.
Waves started to batter me even more. Winds grew even faster. Thunders grew in size and frequency.
My defiance made you angry, didn't it?
Come waves batter me even more. I shall keep my eyes open.
Even if death claims me. I shall see it with my very own eyes.
COME! COME! SHOW ME YOUR ANGER!
SHOW ME! HOW MY DEFIANCE MADE YOU ANGRY!
SHOW ME! THAT I ACHIEVED FREEDOM EVEN IF IT'S IN DEATH!
SHOW ME! THAT I WON AFTER LOSING!
SHOW ME! THAT MY CHOICES AFTER COMING HERE WERE BECAUSE OF MY OWN DESIRE!
SHOW ME! THAT I ACHIEVED FREEDOM!
SHOW ME! THAT I LOST!
SHOW ME! THAT I LIVED WITHOUT REGRETS!
SHOW ME! SHOW ME!
MY REGRETS!
MY UNRESOLVED REGRETS!
My eyes were heavy but I still watched. My unresolved regrets!
I didn't want to die not before I completed that regret. That one unresolved regret.
Even if my soul is the sacrifice, let me complete that one unresolved regret. Let me with my own eyes watch the regret resolve with my own hands.
Even if I die, let me complete that one unresolved regret.
Let me complete that unresolved regret.
Let me complete thAT UNRESOLVED REGRET.
LET ME COMPLETE THAT UNRESOLVED REGRET.
LET ME COMPLETE THAT UNRESOLVED REGRET.
LET ME COMPLETE THAT UNRESOLVED REGRET.
LET ME COMPLETE THAT UNRESOLVED REGRET.
LET ME COMPLETE THAT UNRESOLVED REGRET.
LET ME COMPLETE THAT UNRESOLVED REGRET.
LET ME COMplete that regret.
My regret can they be considered filial? Is the thought before death filial piety for me? Have anything I done for them in my whole life enough? Is my only unresolved regret family?
Countless thoughts galloped my mind all of them about my unresolved regret. Regrets. They linger like shadows haunting the soul with what might have been.
So what!
So what if it's unresolved. I shall resolve it even at the cost of life and death.
I will complete my unresolved regret.
I WILL COMPLETE MY UNRESOLVED REGRET.
I WILL COMPLETE MY UNRESOLVED REGRET.
I WILL COMPLETE MY UNRESOLVED REGRET.
I WILL COMPLETE MY UNRESOLVED REGRET.
I WILL COMPLETE MY UNRESOLVED REGRET.
I WILL COMPLETE MY UNRESOLVED REGRET.
I listened to the howling winds, saw the pitch dark sky, smelt the waves, tasted the salty waves, felt the thunder in my veins.
A spark grew in me and ignited into an ember.
Regardless of the cost.