I slept in a motel that night.
I laid on the couch and turned on the TV to watch the adult channel.
I scratched, pinched, and viciously moaned.
Exhausted and emptied, muscles tense and restless, I fell asleep in the drunken haze of unsatisfied desire and resentment.
The next day I woke up and took a shower, trying to avoid looking at myself in the mirror.
When I returned home, as expected, Miho wasn't around.
Her luggage was gone too.
On the coffee table, I found an envelope, about 25mm thick. Must be the envelope that the old man gave Miho the night before. Unopened and untouched.
There was no note left for me.
I rearranged my bookshelf to have the books in alphabetical order.
Perhaps due to a hangover from the night when I pushed myself a little too far, I suddenly felt nauseous. I puked out my empty stomach. Acid burnt my esophagus as it traveled upward. Reverse motion.
A few days passed as I didn't do much but stay home, reading my books in alphabetical order.
Then I received a call.
"Ms. Han?", a friendly male voice asked from the other end. The ephemeral connection between people traveling as zeros and ones. We live in the digital age. Everything was converted to zeros and ones. Even human interactions.
"Yes?"
"I'm calling from JJ systems. I'm the HR manager Kim Moonsu. You had an interview with us a few days ago."
"Oh, yes, Mr. Kim."
"Do you have a moment to talk?"
"Yes, please go ahead."
"We'd like to offer you the job. Are you still available?"
"Yes. Thank you very much."
"Great. If you could come by tomorrow we can go over the employment contract and sort out the details. Could you do that?"
"Certainly."
"Right. Please arrive at 2:00 PM and ask for me. I will have the papers ready for you."
"Thank you. I'm really grateful."
"My pleasure. We look forward to seeing you again."
"Thank you."
After Mr. Kim hung up, I was going to do a fist pump. But instead, I just clenched my fist, opened it, clenched it again, let go, and watched my hand blush with a rush of blood.
Suddenly feeling hungry, I made two slices of toast and sat down to eat.
Looking at my reflection on the butter knife, I thought to myself that I needed a haircut.
The butter melted on the surface of hot bread, and the lumps of squishy strawberries from the jam added the weight to what I was holding. I looked at the butter knife again, now smeared with grease. I couldn't see my reflection very well now.
Miho said she killed three men with a pencil before. I wondered what great things she could achieve with a butter knife.
But she was gone.
There was no point thinking about her anymore.
I didn't even have her number. It never occurred to me to ask for it as we were always together. But even if I had, I don't think I would have called her. Trying to rebuild a burnt-down bridge was futile. Now I'm on this side of the river and she was on the other side. Too far away to even silhouette, only assuming that she was there because that's where I saw her the last time.
I was alone.
Loneliness was not a feeling I was familiar with. I have been alone for most part of my life after university other than when I was at work, but I did not feel lonely.
It was then I received another call.
Two calls in a day. I certainly wasn't alone.
I was wanted.
I saw that it was Minji. A not so old friend that I used to hang out with back in the university every now and then.
"Hey, how are you, Sohee?"
The voice on the other end asked. I stopped myself from musing about zeros and ones this time.
"Hi, Minji. I'm good. How's things going?"
"Nothing much. I'm still looking for a job. How about you?"
"I just got a job offer today. I'll be signing the contract tomorrow."
"Oh, that's great! Congratulations! We should totally celebrate."
Minji liked to celebrate every remotely positive thing in life. Not only that, she liked to communally share every little negative thing in life too. She was kind of a girl who would feel mortified if found eating alone in a restaurant.
"Sure, why not."
"When are you available?"
"I'd probably be busy this week and next week preparing for the new job. How about next Saturday?"
"Brunch?"
"You know I'd like to sleep till late on weekends."
"Ha, thought you'd have fixed that habit by now."
"Nah. I'm a night person. Always has been and always will be."
"You are such an owl."
I wondered how far I could rotate my neck without snapping it.
I was no owl. Although my Dad used to comment my eyes were so big they reminded him of an owl.
"Saturday dinner will do."
"Are you buying?"
Direct and shameless. That was her charm I suppose.
"Sure. I've just got a job."
"Yipee! Thank you. Should I invite some other friends too?"
"I got a job, but the paycheck won't come in till next month."
"True, true. It will be just you and me then. Is that alright?"
"Better this way."
"Right! See you then! I will call again on Friday to remind you."
Yes, please do remind me that I'm a forgetful person.
"Sure."
After that, we hung up.
Two calls today.
I wasn't lonely.
I looked at the phone in my hand and thought about calling my Mom but then gave up. She will probably just nag nonstop. Sometimes it cheered me up but today wasn't one of them.
I took off my clothes, kicked off the underwear that flew and landed on top of the TV, and went to take shower.
I wanted to wash off the blood stain that wasn't there. I wanted to replace my scent with the fragrance of a shower gel. I wanted to scrub myself to get rid of the dead skin.
Life goes on.