Franco Pato thought that joining the mafia would mean a life full of money, fancy cars, and beautiful women. But after last night, he realized that the real mafia was just a bureaucratic nightmare, with an extra dose of violence and disastrous misunderstandings.
He woke up in his squalid apartment one morning, feeling like he had been run over by a train. He wasn't just tired from the botched robbery, but from the strange nightmare he had, where the old shopkeeper was chasing him through the streets of Milan, waving a wedding ring and shouting, "I accept your offer, Franco!"
"I can't believe it… even in my dreams, my life is a disaster." He muttered, rubbing his eyes.
Before he could get up, his new phone, the one he had gotten from the gang, rang. He looked at the screen, and saw Marco's name.
"Man, I didn't even get to sleep—"
"Get up right away! You have a new mission!"
"Can I at least have breakfast this time?"
"No time for this nonsense, we'll be waiting for you at the café in 15 minutes!"
Then he hung up.
Franco sighed, then looked at the fridge… nothing but an old bottle of water.
"It seems hunger will be my constant friend."
He quickly got dressed, then headed to the café where he found Marco sitting with a new man, one he had never seen before. The man was elegant, wearing a fancy suit, and his hair was carefully styled like he had stepped out of a perfume ad.
"Franco, this is Salvo, the man in charge of collecting money from the merchants who owe us." Marco said.
Salvo smiled and extended his hand, but Franco hesitated to shake his hand.
"Are you going to cut off my hand after shaking hands, or is this just a normal greeting?"
Salvo laughed and said,
"I like your sense of humor. Don't worry, I won't cut off your hands… today."
Franco wasn't comfortable with this answer, but he shook his hand anyway.
"Well, what's the mission?"
Marco threw him a small bag containing a notebook, a pen, and a small piece of paper with a list of names on it.
"Today, you're going with Salvo to collect money from these people."
Franco raised an eyebrow.
"Wait a minute… have you suddenly become the mafia's tax collector?"
"Think of it as community service, but with threats of violence."
Franco looked at Salvo, who was slowly stirring his coffee cup as if he didn't care about anything.
"You know, when I joined the gang, I expected to start shooting, not recording debts."
Marco laughed.
"Be patient, soon you'll learn everything… or die, whichever comes first."
Franco swallowed, then got up and headed with Salvo toward a luxury black car waiting outside.
Collection… Franco's way
The mission was simple on the surface: go to the merchants, remind them that they owe the gang, and take the money from them, with some "violent hints" if necessary.
The first stop was a butcher shop. Franco and Salvo walked in, and the fat butcher greeted them with a fake smile.
"Mr. Salvo! I haven't seen you in a while!"
Salvo didn't smile, just said calmly,
"You know why we're here."
The butcher swallowed, then took some money out of the cash drawer, but he was looking at Franco nervously.
Franco wasn't sure what to do, so he tried to look scary... but ended up with a weird smile that made him look like a madman.
"What are you doing?" Salvo muttered.
"I'm trying to look scary!" Franco whispered.
"You look like a hungry cat."
The butcher couldn't help but laugh, but stopped when Salvo stared at him coldly.
"You're lucky I'm in a good mood today." Salvo said as he took the money.
They walked out of the shop, but Franco was feeling down.
"Man, I wasn't scary enough."
"Because you're not fit for this job."
"I'll prove you wrong!"
The fatal mistake
They reached the second stop: a flower shop.
Franco entered confidently, heading towards the old man who was watering the flowers.
"Hey, we're here for the money." Franco said in a fake mafia accent.
The old man smiled and said:
"Ah, you're the gangsters, right? Well, I have something for you."
Then he turned back, as if looking for money... but instead, he grabbed a gun and fired!
Franco jumped behind the table, shouting:
"What is this?! I thought flower sellers were the nicest people!"
Salvo quickly pulled out his gun and fired a single shot that hit the wall near the old man, causing him to drop the gun and raise his hands.
"I thought you weren't coming today!" the man said, trembling.
"What? Were you waiting for us?"
"Yes! I've been practicing my reaction for weeks!"
Franco was shocked.
"Wait a minute… Are you saying you were planning this attack?"
"Yes! But I didn't expect it to fail so quickly…"
Franco looked at Salvo, then burst out laughing.
"Man, he failed an ambush of his own!"
Salvo wasn't amused, but took the money and then motioned for Franco to get out.
"Well, we're done for today. Let's get back to Marco."
An Unexpected Return
When they returned to the gang's headquarters, they found Marco bursting into laughter as he listened to a phone call.
"Oh my god, Franco, you've become famous!"
"What? Why?"
"The guy with the jewelry store… The story got out that you were trying to flirt with him before the robbery! Everyone's talking about it now!"
Franco gasped.
"What?!"
"And even worse… the other gangs have started calling you a new nickname: Franco the Lover!"
Franco buried his face in his hands.
"My life is over."
Marco continued to laugh, while Salvo patted Franco on the shoulder and said:
"Welcome to the Mafia, Franco the Lover."
And so, Franco's first day as a debt collector ended… with a nickname he would never be able to escape.