"Holy Shit Luke! You actually managed to…!"
"Wait… hold on—where exactly am I?" I asked out loud, still trying to process the sudden change from portal to jungle.
"In the first stage, obviously," Siri's voice rang in my head with her usual sass. "Though I must say, that was quite the entrance. You actually managed to not face-plant for once."
"What do you mean Saintess? What Luke just achieved was something only discussed in Legend…" Yore said with awe.
"Oh well, oh well Luke did something properly for the first time and now you're trying to suck up to him, I don't think so!" Siri cut him off.
—'What's happening right now?'
"Grrrr", "GRRRR…" They grinned at each other like a couple of lunatics.
"Are you finished now!"
"…" They responded with silence 'fucking embarassing to have such souls, they better feel ashamed'
"More importantly what is the first stage even about?"
"The first stage appears to be some sort of race," Yore mused thoughtfully. "Though we couldn't hear the specifics because SOMEONE was too busy admiring himself in front of his new fans to listen to the announcement."
"Hey, it's not my fault I'm irresistible now!" I protested, then paused. "Though... maybe we should've paid attention to that survival rate thing they mentioned."
"You think?" Siri's voice dripped with sarcasm. "At least we know it's probably a race, since everyone was rushing into that portal like it was Black Friday at a toilet paper factory. Also, where did you loose your shoes again?"
'I wouldn't have lost them if I'd known where they where.'
"Indeed, the way the others transformed into wind suggests—"
"Speaking of which," I interrupted, "how did I do that whole wind thing? That was pretty cool, right? I mean, I basically turned into air! I'm like a fart ninja now!"
I heard what sounded suspiciously like a spiritual face-palm from Yore.
"Luke," Siri's voice had that 'talking to a particularly dim child' tone, "focus. We're in the middle of a deadly trial, and you're making fart jokes?"
"Right, right, sorry. So... any idea which direction we should—"
A distant roar echoed through the jungle, causing several exotic birds to take flight.
"What was that?" I squeaked, my newfound confidence evaporating faster than water in a desert.
"That," Yore said grimly, "is why we should have listened to the announcement."
Gulp
'I should walk with the river to mask my footsteps,' I thought, trying to be strategic for once in my life.
The magical jungle around me was unlike anything I'd ever seen—trees with bark that seemed to shimmer like mother-of-pearl, flowers that glowed with an inner light, and vines that appeared to be... were they actually dancing?
"Those are Whispering Vines," Siri helpfully supplied. "They're gossiping about your terrible fashion choices."
"I don't have shoes! How is that my fault?"
"Shhhh!" Yore's urgent voice cut through our banter. "Keep your voice down. The river is ahead."
The foliage parted to reveal a crystalline river that seemed to sing as it flowed—actual musical notes rising from the water like invisible wind chimes. I followed its path, careful to stay close enough to let the water's melody mask my movements but far enough to avoid any surprise attacks from whatever might be lurking beneath its surface.
'This is actually kind of peaceful,' I thought, admiring how the sunlight filtered through the canopy, creating patterns that looked like dancing butterflies on the forest floor. 'Maybe this trial won't be so bad'
That's when I saw it—a lake spreading out before me like a mirror, and in its center, an island that practically screamed 'TRAP!' to anyone with half a brain cell.
Which, unfortunately, didn't include me.
"Luke, don't even think about—" Siri started.
"TREASURE!" I whisper-shouted, my eyes fixed on the eight ornate chests surrounding what appeared to be some sort of ancient stone in the middle of the island.
"This is clearly a setup," Yore warned. "You'll either find yourself in the middle of a trap or in some kind of 'hunger-game' scenario."
But I was already moving, my feet carrying me forward like a moth to a flame. 'Eight chests! That's like... seven more than I expected! This is definitely where they're keeping the good stuff.'
"Luke, you absolute potato, stop!" Siri's voice held a note of panic. "Remember the roar we heard? Maybe we should—"
"Time for some strategic thinking," I announced proudly, cutting her off. "If I go really fast, nothing bad can happen, right?"
I heard what sounded like both souls trying to face-palm simultaneously.
'Here goes nothing!' I thought, breaking into a run toward the island.
Suddenly, a dark figure lunged at me out of nowhere, knocking me to the ground with a force that made my teeth rattle. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, I found myself pinned, the figure's boot pressing uncomfortably against my neck.
"Who are you?" the figure demanded, voice sharp and demanding. "And how do you know the elf prince?"
I squinted up at the shadowy face, realizing with a jolt that this was the shady cloak character who'd been staring me down earlier. 'Oh great, is this what happens when you're a celebrity?—a personal stalker with a vendetta.'
"Elf prince? What are you talking about?" I gasped, trying to breathe through the pressure on my throat.
"Don't play dumb with me!" The figure leaned closer, eyes glinting dangerously. "How did you—"
"Listen, buddy," I interrupted, my voice strained. "I don't even know what I'm having for dinner, let alone who your elf prince is. If you wanted an autograph, you can forget it."
The argument quickly escalated into a shouting match, creative insults flying back and forth.
"You shadowy wannabe ninja!" I blurted. "You look like you shop exclusively at the discount cloak store!"
"And you look like you lost a fight with a wardrobe!" the figure shot back, pressing down harder.
I gasped with a faul expression "So it has come to this, I didn't think that I would need to resort to such methods, mumble… mumble"
"What are you talking about!?" He changed his tone slightly
'The cue I've been waiting for.'
"YO MAMA—"
Just as I was about to unleash a truly epic retort involving his mom, a couple genosides and a potato sack, noone would believe it but a random bird, out of nowhere, swooped down from above, colliding directly with the shithead's face.
'Out of fucking nowhere.' I thought.
The surprise attack was enough to knock him off balance, and he tumbled to the side, momentarily stunned.
'Luck's really on my side these days.'—"Uh... thanks?" I said to the bird, which chirped once and flew off like it had more important heroics to do elsewhere.
I quickly scrambled to my feet, heart still pounding, and noticed that my assailant was out cold. 'Well, that was unexpected, but I'm not complaining.'
"Looks like you got a new pair of shoes," Siri noted with dry amusement as I eyed the cloaked figure's boots. "Might want to grab anything else useful too."
"Don't mind if I do," I muttered, quickly slipping into the boots and pocketing a few items I found on the dark elf. 'Well, that's what he gets for trying to choke me out.'
"On that note, if you guys are here, then where is that Ruby—"
"Hellllo"
"UH, fuck you scared me!" My soul jumped in my chest at the sudden noise.
"Was she always there? Yore, Siri??"
In that moment they probably made faces expressing their opinion which I UNFORTUNATELY could not see cause they were only voices in my head!
"Right… So will you guys ever be able to appear in the material world with me or will you remain my free-trial schizophrenia?"
"I couldn't answer you even if I knew the answer"—"Same here." The souls muttered.
'That's unfortunate, but I'm sure I'll find a way for it later. Now I should quickly scout the chests before anyone else gets here.'
"Luke," Yore's voice came through. "I sense three people approaching from the right side of the lake and five from the left. You need to retreat, now."
"But the treasure!" I protested, glancing longingly at the island.
"Now," Yore insisted, his tone brooking no argument.
"No I'm not leaving without my precious!" I said as if I were Gollum
As my words left my mouth, as quick as lightning, an arrow mushed my cheek and stuck itself in a nearby tree.
"Shit! At least let me take that." I said while grabbing a sword in the sheeth of the cloaked figure who was still unconscious.
With a sigh of resignation, I turned away from the chests and run for my life, my new shoes squishing slightly with each step. 'Well, at least I got something out of this mess,' I thought, trying to console myself as I melted back into the jungle's cover.