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Chapter 1: The Worst Isekai Start Ever
What a wonderful way to start a story. Cliché and beautiful—it really resonates with the reader.
I love isekai. I imagine going to another world filled with beautiful women and powerful monsters. You get to be the hero everyone looks up to. Even in those "I became an extra" stories, the protagonist always has some kind of cheat-like ability.
So why would anyone think this would be an entertaining story?
I'm old. My skin is thin, my bones are visible, and bruises cover my body. My back aches, my joints pop when I move, and I swear my breath smells like fermented cabbage. Is that why I feel like absolute garbage? I could live with this if I were some "ancient elder of the demon blah blah clan," but no—I'm just some decrepit old man. I don't know where I am, who I am, or what the fuck is going on.
It appears I'm in a thatched-roof mud hut in the middle of a forest. The air is damp, and the walls look like they're one strong breeze away from collapsing. Inside, there's a small bed made of rough cloth and wool, along with what looks like a sharpened spade—maybe usable as a sword.
I move to sit up—bad idea. Pain shoots through my back like a lightning bolt, and I collapse back onto the lumpy mattress.
I take a deep breath and gather my thoughts.
The worst part? There was no lead-up.
No truck-kun. No mysterious magic circle. No summoning ritual. One moment, I was walking to my soul-sucking salary job, starting another web novel—then BOOM. I blink, and I'm suddenly an old man in bed. Instantaneous. Brutal.
Maybe I got isekai'd into the novel I was reading? But that wouldn't help much—I was only on the first chapter. With a start this bad, there probably won't be pretty ladies or a convenient status window, right?
[Hello.]
Oh, thank god—I spoke too soon.
"Status window, display inventory."
[The hell you on about, old man? I don't appreciate your tone.]
...What?
Who the hell is this idiot running my status window? Can he not see that I've been isekai'd and desperately need a cheat skill? Maybe one of those harem-maker abilities or max stats.
"Sorry, it's just… aren't you supposed to help me?"
[I can read your thoughts, you creepy old bastard. "Harem-maker skill", have you no shame?.]
"So... no skill?" I muttered weakly, my hopes already crumbling.
[I was considering it, but now I'm not sure I wanna give you anything.]
'No! Please! I can be respectful! See? I'm using my thoughts instead of speaking! Just give me something!'
I fall to my hands and knees and kowtow at the empty air. My back screams in pain—clearly, these old bones haven't bent this much in decades.
[...You know what? Fine. I feel generous. I'll grant you an innate talent due to the immense pity I feel for your pathetic ass.]
'Oh, thank you, great system!'
Finally, my time has come. This is it—the moment I receive my unmatched immortal dragon technique!
[Ooooooooh, yeah, no. Not that kinda talent. But hey, it's sure to impress the ladies… well, the ones your age.]
'...What do you mean, "not that kinda talent"? Surely, you're joking?'
I silently prayed he was downplaying some god-tier ability.
[New Skill Acquired: Handstands – Lv. 1]
[New Skill Acquired: Flicking – Lv. 2]
[You're welcome. A "thank you" would be nice, but being a hero is a thankless job.]
'...You're fucking with me, right?'
[What? Not grateful yet? How about this?]
[Flicking skill upgraded – Lv. 3]
'...'
[Really? You're blind to the majesty of these gifts? YOU'RE AN OLD MAN WHO CAN DO HANDSTANDS NOW!?! WHERE IS YOUR GRATITUDE?!]
"…Go fuck yourself," I muttered.
[...]
[Wow. This is how you repay me? I even leveled up your flicking skill! You're a lost cause. I hope they dump you in a medieval nursing home. No—rather, just die and save me the time.]
'How cruel! At least have enough decency to respect your elders! Whatever happened to Confucian values?'
[Once again, if you haven't realized yet, this is not your world's pre-classical China. This is the continent of Gandor—an arguably beautiful shithole where famine and wealth coexist. You, my friend, are way out of your element. Especially because I'd reckon you're about to kick the bucket.]
"No. I refuse," I said adamantly.
[What? You refuse to die? You do realize that death is inevitable, right? How arrogant can you be?]
"If dying means making you happy, then I'll find the fountain of immortality before heaven claims me."
DING!
[Declaration Made]
I will not let this condescending dipshit talk to me like this.
[I think hell might be a more likely destination, considering your personality.]
"Hmph!"
'Shut up and show me my stats.'
[Fine. One last dying wish.]
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Status Window
Name:
Age: Unknown (Old)
Level: 0
Location: Somewhere in Gandor
Skills: Flicking (Lv. 3), Handstands (Lv. 1), Declaration to the Gods (Lv. 0)
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'...Really? That's it?'
[What did you expect? You don't even know your own name, age, or location. What the hell do you think it's supposed to say?]
The system is right—no matter how hard I try, I can't remember my name. It's as if a thick fog blocks my memories.
Fine. Then I'll create a name. One the entire continent will soon fear.
'I am Luozi!'
[Good on you. Fits your stubborn personality.]
But I'm not done. If my status is blank, then maybe… just maybe… I can rewrite it myself.
'I'm also 23 years old, and my level is ONE BILLION.'
[...]
DING!
[Status Window Updated]
Name: Luozi
Age: Unknown (Old)
Level: 0
Skills: Flicking (Lv. 3), Handstands (Lv. 1), Declaration to the Gods (Lv. 0)
Temporary Status: Delusional
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[HAHAHAHAHA! THE STATUS WINDOW NEVER LIES.]
'...Worth a shot.'
Still, that skill—Declaration to the Gods—even at level 0, it has to be overpowered, right?
[Yeah, about that…]
'You're scaring me. What does it do?'
[Well… let's just say… you directly challenged the authority of the gods. Specifically, the god of death.]
[As long as you don't insult the god of death anymore you should be fine]
'...'
What a dumbass god, can't believe he is such a petty bitch
DING!
[Declaration to the Gods skill upgraded – Lv. 1]
[You dumb fuck. I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO INSULT HIM. We are so screwed.]
"I DON'T FUCKING CARE, GOD OF DEATH BE DAMNED I WILL NOT DIE!"
I dramatically waved my fist at the air. Truly the demonstration would have struck fear into their minds.
[...]
[This is not going to end well.]