His head aches, as his face lays flat on his car's dashboard. Shards of glass litter in his eyes, I bet I'd be screaming my lungs off right about now if the damn Pain receptors in my brain weren't turned off. Hey, did someone turn the air conditioner on. Why is my body so cold?
I know there was a snowstorm but, it's as cold as a college girls tits at a wet t-shirt contest during a fucking snowstorm. Thick black smoke clogs my throat as it floats to the sky, almost to signal to the whole world about the gigantic fuckup I've made. As red-hot flames surround the once esteemed famous sports car, I'd use to pick up chicks when I don't feel like talking to them.
Have you ever seen one of those YouTube channels that exposed their spouses or girlfriends cheating in 4k. Yeah, that was my fucking life once upon a time. Have you ever seen a guy in a Charger SRT Hellcat pull up on the side of a curb, in a random part of the Hollywood California to pick up girls. Easiest shit of my life. Oh, that's your girlfriend of 4 years, well she's mine now. What? A girl in a committed long-distance relationship, well I guess you'll never know she had the backseat of my charger fogging up while you got on the train to leave for University. Crazy part is you don't even have to own it, my buddy rented it just to show it works.
"Fucking Whores the lot of them."
"Oh Wait what was I talking about again?"
Oh yes my impending death. Trust me I'd love to try escaping but I'm too injured to climb my way out of this one. Why?
I was drunk driving, tripping balls singing the 2000s classic Life is a Highway from the Cars soundtrack.
*Flashback*
"Life is a highway"
"Well, I wanna ride it all night long (all night long!)"
I drove this baby 90 miles per hour on a icy highway, skidded to the side of a Guardrail, broke the rusty bastard the tumbled off the side of a hill. The windows to the car shatter and fly in every direction. Luckily the car broke my fall.
"Fuck."
"Fucvk."
"Fuck god dammit."
"Ouch my eye."
"Fuck one of my lungs, oh come on man I need that."
"Fuck my leg."
Finally as if God has had enough with me, the car stops, and I lay in a pool of my own fluids. Yes, I know what I said. With my eyes glazed over and I do the only thing I can do while my Spotify playlist continues to play in the background.
"Life is a highway"
"Well, I wanna ride it all night long (all night long!)" (I sing in a whimpering tone)
*cough* *cough*
"Ouch. It hurts to sing."
*End of Flashback*
Fuck cocaine is one hell of a drug
At first, I tried to escape as I try to move my neck up, but this is when I notice how much it hurts to move. But I push through the pain to roll to the side. Luckily the car door still allows me to open it and I manage to get up to roll half my body out the car. Why can't I feel my.... everything.
With all my strength I push my body out the car to only go face first in the snow. But this is when I notice half the problem, I roll over to the side to look down to my legs, as their completely crushed. Do you know that scene from Wall-e where he's organizing blocks of trash an puts them in an orderly pile. Well, that's how fucked my legs are. I recommend not thinking about it as its throw up worthy of disgusting.
From that last push I realize I used up all the adrenaline I had left and decide to just accept my death. So to pass the time I look up at the falling snow and scream to the heavens.
"I'm a fucking cripple now!"
I cry as I realize I can't get no more hoes like this. Well not any pretty ones, as I remember that that guy in the wheelchair got married and had three kids. What was his name again? "Oh right!" Stephen Hawking, still I don't even want to imagine how complicated that would be. Like where am I going to find a soundboard that can hook to my wheelchair. Did he make that shit himself, like how did he even do that shit it was like the 50s or something right? "Da Fuck I don't know history." Focus Brain I need to get out of here. Oh, screw it I'm dead anyways, it doesn't matter anymore.
My whole body feels like its going numb and whatever death is supposed to feel like. I feel it. Whatever it is.
I can hear my Spotify playlist in the background from my car as it plays a true classic song from my youth.
"The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time." (I sing in between muffled cries)
One with a collar! (I suck in the snot from my runny nose)
"turtleneck."
I internally nod my head and wiggle my pointer finger as I say "that's the kind."
As if to mock me I somehow start hearing the micky mouse clubhouse theme song. But that's not the mocking part, just listen.
"It's the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Come inside, it's warm inside
It's the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse"
"It's the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Come inside, it's warm inside
It's the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse"
'Those are not the original lyrics!' I say yelling in my head. HAHA I get it, Im cold in the snow. As the song begins to repeat itself, I tune it out.
"God did this just for me I can feel it."
"Okay God, I get it I've sinned a lot, stop being a dingus and help meeeee. I'm dying over here." I say in the whiniest tone.
If you don't think God can be a dick, then you haven't read enough of the bible good sir. How about you pick up a book for a change. Anyways.
A holy light envelops my body as it begins to pull my spirit up and out my body. With me being able to see myself lying dead on the ground. Looking down I see my legs back to normal as all my bodies injuries look as if it never happened.
Hey, have you ever seen that tom and jerry clip where tom dies and goes up the elevator to heaven, that's exactly what happens as I walk up to see the big man upstairs.
Honestly my life sucked for the most part with it only recently becoming fun because of all the money I got, still it's not FAIR!
(Do You Want To Be Reborn)
I blink, "Huh?" Oh shit not the voices again.
"Well off course I want to live again! Who wouldn't?"
(Transmigration Confirmed)
But this was all the time I had to think as in the next second a worm hole warps into a black void. My survival instincts kick in as I try to hold on the rails of the elevator. But alas I'm too scrawny to hold on. As my feet dangle like pool noodles. It reminded me of this girl I knew back in school. But alas that's a tale for another day.
I wake up gasping for air, pushing the covers off my body. My vision is blurry as I try and make sense of where I'm at. I look around to see that I'm in a room.
Wait? Did that shit really work. I don't have to face my creator and explain myself?"
"Oh, thank God."