Silence stroke my body until I was shivering, everywhere I looked there was darkness and an unsettling feeling.
My guts were telling me to run, however a pull stronger than gravity made me turn around and look into the deepest blue eyes I have ever seen. The face that the eyes were attached to was hiding in the shadows and started to scream
"Run before it's too late".
I couldn't move, I should've been frightened to the core, but all in me did not want to leave. I followed the blue eyes that were pointing to my hand, which I noticed for the first time it was bleeding, filled with cuts and bruises. Pain hit me unexpectedly, pushing my body in convulsions. I crashed onto the ground, searching desperately for the source of the unbelievable pain.
"RUUUN" and just like that the eyes were gone, being replaced with a chest ripping fright.
I crawled my way up to my feet and started to simulate running, the pain was still excruciating and did a number on my motion. All of a sudden a hand aggressively grabbed my neck and turned me around to face a throne tinted with thick red blood.
I let out a scream and before realizing my sister was hugging me while the tears soaked my prominent cheeks.
"It's okay, everything is alright, it was just a bad dream" my sister comforted me and I couldn't be more grateful and relieved.
"Thanks Jess. Don't worry for me, you can go back to sleep. I'm fine"
"You're sure?"
I nodded, and as she walked out of the room an uneasy sentiment creeped up on me. This wasn't the first time I have had this dream. For sure it was the first time I woke up screaming, alerting someone, but I have had the same dream almost every night since my parents have died.
As I kept thinking about it, I was shocked by the memory that even before my parents' passing, I used to dream about those captivating blue eyes. I always taught that these nightmares are just projections of the panic attacks during the day, but now for some reason I am almost positive it is not the case.
I was starring at the ceiling numbness fighting to take over my body. Every morning seemed more aggressive than the other, adding more negative emotions to the bucket. I was barely human juggling a half ass job and my sister's tantrums, while bottling up my own frustrations and to top it all up, I had to be present in court every now and then as the investigation, regarding the plane crash causing my parents' death almost a year ago, ran its course. I quitted this life everyday right before climbing out of bed reminding myself that Jess's future depends on me whether she knows it or not.
Today was my 18th birthday and with that, it was official that I could be the legal guardian for my soon to be 16 years old sister. Just the thought of that pushed me straight into the panic attacks I was recently medicated for. I went through the breathing exercises Dr. Thomas taught me, starting off my day as good as expected.
I rolled my eyes at the coffee machine that decided to stop working, of course today of all days, and as I was ready to leave the house Jess walked out of her room and wished me a washed up 'Happy Birthday' before turning around to go back to bed, but after a second she stopped.
"Oh! And I almost forgot that came through the mail" she said as she pointed to the letter on the floor by the door.
"Thanks, and hey, Jess, can you be home tonight, I would love to spend my birthday with you?"
"Mhm.." was the expected dry reply.
I picked up the letter trying to control my irritation with Jess's attitude. After our parents deaths I gave her a hard pass, since I know first hand how shitty the situation is and how broken she must be, but avoiding each other and being as apart as we are right now is definitely not a healing environment.
I shook off the worries and distract myself by opening the envelope. I understand every word but I had to read them twice in order to wrap my head around the fact that the trial was finally over and they concluded that there was a malfunction and we were about to receive a small fortune as compensation.
Even though these news would be considered good, I was sick to my stomach at the thought that we would become sort of rich at the expense of my parents' deaths.
The anger that I gracefully been bottling up since their passing away was about to burst and the coffee that I was about to grab from the city center became unnecessary as I was riding a wave of adrenaline. I decided to take a cold shower instead, to blow off some steam, before taking a long walk in the nearby forest.