I snorted. That was the most I did the whole day long.
I sat inside the big classroom, together with the rest of my class.
The teacher was in front of us, talking about some sort of "important advice" which we would need for the upcoming test.
No one really feared the test though, hence no one really listened all too well. However, it's not like any of us really had anything better to do right now. So while some of us listened, some of us just sat there and pretended to listen.
Matter of fact, not only did none of us feel fear, none of us really felt anything. Feeling wasn't really something you'd still do. It has grown out of shape a long time ago. So, since no one is feeling anything, no one has to start to feel again.
So I just sat there. It's not like I was "bored" or anything. I once read those words in a book. "Bored", "Annoyed" and things like that. Despite that, I never felt them. I just sat there, neutral of everything happening with me and around me.
And it was probably the same for everyone around me.
All of us sat there, white uniforms and all. Not like that really mattered. Just thought I'd mention that.
Well, all of us but one.
Felix sat there behind all us, at the window. She had her feet up on the table, her one hand on the table, the other behind her head. She also didn't bother to wear the white school uniform. She just wore whatever she wanted. Today she wore a yellow sweater with a big, poorly drawn, face. And while everyone was aware of her doing this, no one really cared at all. No one was bothered by it; The teacher just kept teaching and we just kept listening (or not listening in some cases).
Class ended and everyone just kinda went their way. Felix went outside pretty late. She had some sort of book which she held close to her.
Why I noticed this and even remembered such a detail? I don't know. I was always a bit slow when it comes to leaving the classroom so I just noticed it.
During break I stood down there, on the courtyard. Around me, people started to speak louder. Then they pointed. They pointed up there, to the roof.
We all looked at it indifferent. Up there, on the roof, stood a girl. Felix, to be precise. Who else should it be? After all, it's not like I mentioned anyone else up until this point.
So, she stands up there, looking at the sky. And we all looked up to her, hence we also looked at the sky. Her lips formed some words, however I had no idea what it was. So I just kept on staring at her.
And then she tilted forward
and
fell
down.
I don't remember much of what happened afterwards. All I did remember was seeing her lifeless body lying there. A corpse. I never saw so much blood at one place. And that was a moment, in which I let my guard down. I felt... unsure. I wasn't sure how I should feel... No, that was not it. I wasn't sure if I should feel.
Class was dismissed for the day, I think. The next thing I remembered was lying in bed, at home. I just... lied there. But I wasn't indifferent. The last few moments which I could remember, those of Felix's suicide, kept on replaying in my mind.
And so I thought over and over again. And I went even further back. Just what kind of person was Felix back when she was alive? And with every moment in which I lied there, I remembered more about her. She always was odd. She stood out. She stood out whenever possible, to be exact.
She dressed differently. She didn't talk to anyone. She sat differently. She even spoke differently. Heck, she didn't only act different; She really was different.
But why?
This was the question which tormented my mind.
Why would someone want to stand out? Why would someone drift off from any common sense just to stand out more? And, most importantly perhaps, why was I asking myself all of those questions? It's not like answering them in any way would change anything.
"Wassup." I opened my eyes, which were closed due to them replaying any sort of memory I had of Felix, and starred right into Felix eyes again.
"...huh?"
What left my mouth and pierced my emotionless mind at that time was nothing but a bit of confusion.
"Aren't you dead?"
The next thing that left my mouth was a more direct question. Well, not only that. It was also made to reassure myself of what I knew.
Felix died. She killed herself. Her corpse was probably taken away. Therefore, she couldn't suddenly pop up inside my room and talk with my, right? Despite that... She was. I closed and reopened my eyes a few times. Despite that, I always saw her when I tried to look at the ceiling of my room. And on her face was-
"What you lookin so stupid for, yo!" Her voice echoed through the room. Listening to the words of someone who shouldn't speak right now is a pretty... Non-Neutral experience.
"You neva seen a ghost, huh? Be proud, be jolly, be just anythin but that blank ahh look on yah face!" She spoke in the same unusual way she always spoke.
"So... You are a ghost now?" When I looked at her closer, it was kind of obvious from the start. Her skin was kind of translucent. Her bright hair was still hanging down the same way, however it appeared to be even brighter than it normally was. It also seemed a bit more dull. And on her lips-
"Sure are, buddy! And now I be spookin round all day long, doin just what I wanna do! 'Tis so much fun, you wouldn't believe it, bud."
"...Huh."
"What you makin those sounds fo, huh? Be blessed, bud! When you get the chance to talk with a ghost, huh? Not often, I tell ya!"
"That may be true. But..."
"What you "but"-ing for, huh?"
"But why did you decide to visit me? It's not like we were close or anything like that."
She pointed her finger at me and waved it from side to side. Her face had the same, old look she was wearing all the time. The corners of her mouth were twisted up in some sort of weird way. I couldn't help but ask myself what that was.
"No real reason, duh. You just was makin the most ordinary face outta the bunch, ya know?"
"Back then, when your corpse was discovered you mean?"
"Yeah, duh. The look on ya face was all twisted and such. Just what I wanted to see, ya know? You see some dead body and your face gets all twisted up, ya get it?"
I remembered in that moment. Yeah, during that time I really was perplexed. I didn't know what I should do.
"But you were already dead at that point, weren't you? How did you notice it?"
"Well, I'm still here right now, ain't I, stupid? Stop tryna explain everythin, ya just gotta accept it, ya know?"
I kept quiet. She was kind of right, to be honest. So I just shrugged it off and looked at her.
"So, you came to me just because I had some look on my face?"
"Now ya get it, bud. So, tell me. When ya saw my bloody corpse, what feelin were you feelin, huh?"
"Feeling?"
"Ye, ya face was all twisted up and clunky. Ya gotta know what a feelin is, dontcha?"
"Of course I know what a feeling is! I read all about them in a book once!"
"So, ya even know the names and allat. So, tell me. What was ya feelin?"
"I... I don't know. I was... uh... unsure."
"Unsure, huh..."
"You could even say confused!"
"Unsure and confused, huh... Well, ain't that a shame!"
"A shame?"
"I was tryna provoke some stronger feelins. Somethin like sadness. Or happiness. either would have been nice."
"That thing you are doing right now..." I finally pointed at her twisted face expression.
"Oh, this? Ya don't know jack, dontcha? This a smile, bud."
"A smile?"
"Ye, it shows that you're happy-"
"You are... happy?" Happy was another one of those emotions I read about. It's kind of hard to explain it, but it's a pretty positive emotion.
"Sure are!"
"But you died... Isn't dying genuinely a bad thing?"
"Might be, ain't in this case. I never felt such a thing; But I'm so damn happy right now, I can't believe it! Somethin bout being like this, havin seen ya reaction and just doin whatever is a bust, ya know? Don't know what the happiness those old folks talked bout is, but I'm pretty damn sure it ain't comin close to this one!"
" Huh." I couldn't think of a good response to that one. So I just kept quiet.
Keeping quiet once in a while wasn't bad either. She seemed to think the same, as we merely looked into each other's faces. I couldn't describe her face. Still can't when I recall it now. 'Funny' or 'plumb' would start to describe it, but never finish the thought.
My face seemed to look the same. She suddenly began twichting her face, nose, mouth, her whole face. And each time she twitched, an indescribable sound echoed through the room. And each indivual sound was chained to the own before and the one which followed. And so the chain of sounds, similar to a mystic song, flew through the room.
"What... are you doing?" I cannot lie, I was... amazed. And confused. Things I have never really felt up until this point. I probably was amazed, confused and inquisitive a whole lot in my life. But I never truly acknowledged it. I never really realized it as such.
This was different. While she was singing a sound which I was unable to replicate, heck, which I didn't even know in the slightest up until this point, I was merely staring at her. It really was just like a song. She was a vocalist, presenting her abilities. And I was merely part of the audience, watching her.
I wanted to know what that was. I wanted to understand it. I even wanted to do it myself.
After a bit of time she calmed herself, and thus, stopped the sounds.
"That right now? That was laughter. It's fun. Not once have I felt more alive."
Laughter, huh.
"I want that too."
"You want to laugh as well?"
"Not just laugh. I want to feel all those feelings as well."
She let out a very short version of the chain of sounds which identified itself as laughter.
"Sure, let's do it."